We smile together. It’s the closest we can come at the moment to joking around. The ache is still here inside me, like an open, raging hole in the middle of my chest. I catch myself touching that spot, right in the center of my sternum, like one of these times I’ll actually be able to put my fist in there.
Billy looks at me. “Why don’t you go upstairs? You don’t have to be here for these people. I’ll take care of it.”
“Okay.” Except that I can’t think what I’m going to do with myself upstairs.
When I get to my room I find Christian sitting on the eaves. This might appear strange to visitors, it occurs to me, but I decide I don’t care. The ache is becoming an ugly hollowness that is in some ways worse than the original ache. But at least I can’t feel Christian’s emotions on the other side of the window. Or his memory of our kiss.
When did you get here? I send to him.
Earlier. Around nine.
I don’t feel my own surprise. My mother died at a few minutes to ten.
I told you I’d be here, he says. You can ignore me, though. Whatever you want.
I want to take a nap.
Okay. I’ll be here.
I lie down on top of the covers, not bothering to slip under the sheets. I turn my face to the wall. Christian’s not looking at me now, but still.
I should cry, I think. I haven’t cried yet. Why haven’t I cried yet? I’ve been crying for months now at every little thing, boo-hoo-hoo, poor me, but today, on the day that my mother actually dies, nothing. Not one tear.
Jeffrey cried. Billy wept using the entire sky. But not me. With me there’s just the ache.
I close my eyes. When I open them again I see that two hours have passed, although I don’t feel like I’ve slept. The sun is lower in the sky.
Christian’s still on the roof.
I get the sudden urge to call him, to ask him to come in and lay down with me. Just like before, the night I found out about the hundred-and-twenty-years rule. Except this time, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or anything. Or talk. But maybe if he got close to me I could feel something. Maybe I could cry and the ache would go away.
He turns his head, meets my eyes. He can hear me.
But I don’t ask him in.
It’s late afternoon when suddenly Christian stands up without a word, and flies away.
Then there’s a light knock at my door, and Tucker sticks his head in.
“Hey.”
I shoot out of bed, hurl myself into his arms. He hugs me close, presses my head into his chest, says something I don’t hear into my hair.
Why can’t I cry?
He pulls back. “I came as soon as I found out.”
I would have called Tucker right after it happened, of course, but he was at school, and I didn’t have the energy to have him pulled out, find him a ride, all that. “Does everyone at school know?”
“Pretty much. Are you all right?”
I don’t know how to answer this. “I was sleeping.”
I disentangle myself from his arms and go over to the bed and sit down. It’s hard to look at him while he’s staring so intently right into my face, trying to meet my eyes. I pick at the stitching on the quilt.
Tucker seems to be at a loss for something to say. He glances around my room. “I’ve never been in here before,” he says. “It’s nice. It fits you.” He clears his throat. “Wendy’s downstairs. We brought you a chocolate cream pie my mom wanted to send over. And a roast chicken and some green-bean thing.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“It’s a good pie. Do you want me to get Wendy?”
“Not yet.” I dare to look at him. “Could you just . . . hold me, for a while?” He looks relieved. Finally, something he can do. He drops onto the bed behind me and I stretch out and we spoon, his hand resting on my hip.
I don’t feel anything. I don’t think anything. I just breathe. In and out. In and out.
Tucker strokes my hair. There’s something so tender about the gesture. It might as well have been him whispering I love you.
I love you too, I send to him, even though he won’t hear it.
But I don’t feel love. I say it because I know it to be true, but I don’t feel it. I’m too numb for that. I don’t deserve his love, I think. Even now, that moment with Christian in the cemetery is like a dark cloud in my mind.
Three days pass. That’s something you don’t expect, either. You think, death, then funeral, then graveside and all that, then done. But between the death and the funeral there’s a million small events nobody ever thinks about. Writing obituaries. Choosing flowers. Picking out what my mom will wear as she lies in the casket, and what clothes I will wear to her funeral, which for me is a no-brainer: black dress, Mom’s sensible pumps, her silver charm bracelet. I even tell Jeffrey which tie he should wear, the striped silver one, but when I say that he gives me this cold look, and tells me he’s going to wear a black tie.
I don’t know what this means. It’s like my purple corduroy jacket the day of the fire.
Could the balance of the universe be affected by the color of a tie?
Tucker skips school the first day to stay with me. Mostly this entails him sitting in the chair next to mine while I sit and do nothing, trying to talk to me, occasionally asking me if I need anything, and I almost always say no, until later that night, when I say, “Can you go home?
No offense, but I want to be alone right now.” It’s true. I want to be alone. But I also specifically don’t want to be around Tucker right now, because there are things I’m not telling him, big things, and I don’t want to think about those things.
He says yes, of course, sure, he understands, but he’s offended. I don’t need my empathy to see the hurt on his face.
Every day I sense Christian somewhere nearby. Not trying to talk to me. Not pushing anything on me, any kind of response. Just near. He lets me be alone, but he’s also there, on the edges, in case I don’t want to be.
How does he understand to do that? He was only a kid when his mom died, but still, he gets it. Is it the same for everybody, I wonder, or is Christian so in tune with me that he understands what I need on some other level?
On the third day, Tucker confronts me, not in a mean sort of way, but in a please-let-me-help-you-why-won’t-you-let-me-help-you sort of way. I’m lying in bed, not sleeping, not doing anything, and he suddenly comes into my room.
“I want to be here for you,” he says, no hello or anything. “It’s that simple.” My eyes dart to the window. No Christian.
Billy looks at me. “Why don’t you go upstairs? You don’t have to be here for these people. I’ll take care of it.”
“Okay.” Except that I can’t think what I’m going to do with myself upstairs.
When I get to my room I find Christian sitting on the eaves. This might appear strange to visitors, it occurs to me, but I decide I don’t care. The ache is becoming an ugly hollowness that is in some ways worse than the original ache. But at least I can’t feel Christian’s emotions on the other side of the window. Or his memory of our kiss.
When did you get here? I send to him.
Earlier. Around nine.
I don’t feel my own surprise. My mother died at a few minutes to ten.
I told you I’d be here, he says. You can ignore me, though. Whatever you want.
I want to take a nap.
Okay. I’ll be here.
I lie down on top of the covers, not bothering to slip under the sheets. I turn my face to the wall. Christian’s not looking at me now, but still.
I should cry, I think. I haven’t cried yet. Why haven’t I cried yet? I’ve been crying for months now at every little thing, boo-hoo-hoo, poor me, but today, on the day that my mother actually dies, nothing. Not one tear.
Jeffrey cried. Billy wept using the entire sky. But not me. With me there’s just the ache.
I close my eyes. When I open them again I see that two hours have passed, although I don’t feel like I’ve slept. The sun is lower in the sky.
Christian’s still on the roof.
I get the sudden urge to call him, to ask him to come in and lay down with me. Just like before, the night I found out about the hundred-and-twenty-years rule. Except this time, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or anything. Or talk. But maybe if he got close to me I could feel something. Maybe I could cry and the ache would go away.
He turns his head, meets my eyes. He can hear me.
But I don’t ask him in.
It’s late afternoon when suddenly Christian stands up without a word, and flies away.
Then there’s a light knock at my door, and Tucker sticks his head in.
“Hey.”
I shoot out of bed, hurl myself into his arms. He hugs me close, presses my head into his chest, says something I don’t hear into my hair.
Why can’t I cry?
He pulls back. “I came as soon as I found out.”
I would have called Tucker right after it happened, of course, but he was at school, and I didn’t have the energy to have him pulled out, find him a ride, all that. “Does everyone at school know?”
“Pretty much. Are you all right?”
I don’t know how to answer this. “I was sleeping.”
I disentangle myself from his arms and go over to the bed and sit down. It’s hard to look at him while he’s staring so intently right into my face, trying to meet my eyes. I pick at the stitching on the quilt.
Tucker seems to be at a loss for something to say. He glances around my room. “I’ve never been in here before,” he says. “It’s nice. It fits you.” He clears his throat. “Wendy’s downstairs. We brought you a chocolate cream pie my mom wanted to send over. And a roast chicken and some green-bean thing.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“It’s a good pie. Do you want me to get Wendy?”
“Not yet.” I dare to look at him. “Could you just . . . hold me, for a while?” He looks relieved. Finally, something he can do. He drops onto the bed behind me and I stretch out and we spoon, his hand resting on my hip.
I don’t feel anything. I don’t think anything. I just breathe. In and out. In and out.
Tucker strokes my hair. There’s something so tender about the gesture. It might as well have been him whispering I love you.
I love you too, I send to him, even though he won’t hear it.
But I don’t feel love. I say it because I know it to be true, but I don’t feel it. I’m too numb for that. I don’t deserve his love, I think. Even now, that moment with Christian in the cemetery is like a dark cloud in my mind.
Three days pass. That’s something you don’t expect, either. You think, death, then funeral, then graveside and all that, then done. But between the death and the funeral there’s a million small events nobody ever thinks about. Writing obituaries. Choosing flowers. Picking out what my mom will wear as she lies in the casket, and what clothes I will wear to her funeral, which for me is a no-brainer: black dress, Mom’s sensible pumps, her silver charm bracelet. I even tell Jeffrey which tie he should wear, the striped silver one, but when I say that he gives me this cold look, and tells me he’s going to wear a black tie.
I don’t know what this means. It’s like my purple corduroy jacket the day of the fire.
Could the balance of the universe be affected by the color of a tie?
Tucker skips school the first day to stay with me. Mostly this entails him sitting in the chair next to mine while I sit and do nothing, trying to talk to me, occasionally asking me if I need anything, and I almost always say no, until later that night, when I say, “Can you go home?
No offense, but I want to be alone right now.” It’s true. I want to be alone. But I also specifically don’t want to be around Tucker right now, because there are things I’m not telling him, big things, and I don’t want to think about those things.
He says yes, of course, sure, he understands, but he’s offended. I don’t need my empathy to see the hurt on his face.
Every day I sense Christian somewhere nearby. Not trying to talk to me. Not pushing anything on me, any kind of response. Just near. He lets me be alone, but he’s also there, on the edges, in case I don’t want to be.
How does he understand to do that? He was only a kid when his mom died, but still, he gets it. Is it the same for everybody, I wonder, or is Christian so in tune with me that he understands what I need on some other level?
On the third day, Tucker confronts me, not in a mean sort of way, but in a please-let-me-help-you-why-won’t-you-let-me-help-you sort of way. I’m lying in bed, not sleeping, not doing anything, and he suddenly comes into my room.
“I want to be here for you,” he says, no hello or anything. “It’s that simple.” My eyes dart to the window. No Christian.
