Heaven's Sinners
Page 50
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“Ciara?” Spike asks.
“I...um, yeah, it’s fine.”
“Fuck,” he hisses. “Fuck, Ciara! Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t on it? I fucked you bareback.”
I see the look on his face, and it hits me hard and fierce. Spike doesn’t want babies. I can see it all over his face, his eyes are wide and alert, and his jaw is tense with emotion. My heart dies a little, and I’m so hurt. God, it burns. Not because he doesn’t want it, just that he’s looking at me like I’m about to rip his heart out again. I swallow, and force my face to become impassive.
“It’s fine, I’m on an injection. I just had an STD freak attack then, that’s all.”
Relief washes over him. Fuck. Shit. What am I going to do? I’m going to go home and make sure I’m up-to-date, but something deep down inside me is making me think I’m no longer protected. I try to do the math in my head, and as far as I know, I haven’t updated it. God, I feel sick.
“I don’t have STDs babe, I use condoms.”
Well, that’s one less thing to worry about.
“Ciara?” he asks.
I turn my eyes to his. “I’m fine, sorry. I just can’t believe I didn’t ask you that.”
He reaches across and touches my face. “I wouldn’t fuck you without protection if I knew I wasn’t careful in the past. Cheyenne is the only woman.”
I swallow, nodding.
“You’re not okay,” he points out.
“I am, sorry, I just had a mild panic attack,” I say softly.
“Because of the STDs or because of the fact I said I didn’t want babies?”
I flinch.
“Fuck, Ciara.”
“It’s okay,” I say, my voice wobbling. “I understand. We shouldn’t even be talking about this right now, we’re not even together.”
He looks hurt now. Fuck.
“Then what are we?”
“We’re trying, remember?”
“I’m sorry if my words hurt, Ciara, but there ain’t no way in hell I ever want kids...not after Cheyenne died, carryin’ my baby. I just don’t wanna ever feel that again.”
I’m crushed. My soul, it burns. I force myself to nod and smile, but inside I feel like I am being ripped to pieces.
“I’m really tired, can we go?”
His face tightens. “Ciara, fuck, if there’s going to be a problem...”
“It’s okay,” I say, smiling even though I’m hurting inside. “I’m okay with that, I know how you feel. I’m sorry, it all just came as a shock. We’re okay.”
He narrows his eyes again, but nods. “All right, let’s go.”
We both stand and dress ourselves. My heart is throbbing, and my body feels wobbly. What if I’m already pregnant?
Shit.
What do I do then?
CHAPTER 16
PRESENT – CIARA
I tell Spike I need to get something back to Addi, and I ask him if he can drop me off to their hotel room. He agrees, saying he needs to speak with Cade anyway. The entire ride is silent, and my head is spinning.
When we arrive at the hotel, I jump off the bike and rush through the gates. Spike follows me, his boots crunching heavily on the rocks. Cade, Jackson, and Addison are all standing outside near the pool, just under the bright, blue light that shines down onto the water. Cade nods at Spike, and smiles at me. Addi notices my expression and walks over quickly. I grip her arm, flashing Cade, Jackson and Spike a fake smile.
“I just need to borrow Addi, real quick.”
They all watch me, confused. Spike’s eyes narrow, and he crosses his arms. I spin Addi around and we walk off. When we get around the side of the building, I burst into a fit of uncontrollable tears.
“Hey, whoa, Ciara...what’s wrong,” Addi says, pulling me into her arms.
“I think I have a massive problem.”
“What happened?”
I tell her what went down between Spike and I, then I step back, swiping my eyes to gauge her reaction.
“Shit,” she says, sighing deeply.
“I don’t know what to do, Addi. I know I could be jumping ahead, but we’ve had a lot of sex and...well...most of it’s been unprotected. I’m such an idiot, at the time I didn’t even think.”
“Hey, it’s not just you who didn’t think, honey.”
“He won’t stick around. If I’m pregnant, he’s going to run.”
“All right, all right, let’s think about this. You two haven’t been together more than a few days, yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Well, there is the option of the morning after pill.”
I swallow, and begin crying even harder. “God, Addi, this sucks.”
“You might not even be pregnant, but if it’s something you are really worried about, you might want to consider your options. The morning after stops it before it happens, and right now I think it’s the best choice. You and Spike are rocky, you haven’t been together long enough to deal with something like that, even if there’s only a small chance. You have to think about what you want more.”
“It’s him,” I whisper. “It’s always been him.”
“Then we’ll go for a drive, yeah?”
I nod, swallowing.
“Come here,” she says, pulling me into her arms. We hug for a long moment, before she pulls back and wipes my face with a tissue she pulls from her purse.
“I...um, yeah, it’s fine.”
“Fuck,” he hisses. “Fuck, Ciara! Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t on it? I fucked you bareback.”
I see the look on his face, and it hits me hard and fierce. Spike doesn’t want babies. I can see it all over his face, his eyes are wide and alert, and his jaw is tense with emotion. My heart dies a little, and I’m so hurt. God, it burns. Not because he doesn’t want it, just that he’s looking at me like I’m about to rip his heart out again. I swallow, and force my face to become impassive.
“It’s fine, I’m on an injection. I just had an STD freak attack then, that’s all.”
Relief washes over him. Fuck. Shit. What am I going to do? I’m going to go home and make sure I’m up-to-date, but something deep down inside me is making me think I’m no longer protected. I try to do the math in my head, and as far as I know, I haven’t updated it. God, I feel sick.
“I don’t have STDs babe, I use condoms.”
Well, that’s one less thing to worry about.
“Ciara?” he asks.
I turn my eyes to his. “I’m fine, sorry. I just can’t believe I didn’t ask you that.”
He reaches across and touches my face. “I wouldn’t fuck you without protection if I knew I wasn’t careful in the past. Cheyenne is the only woman.”
I swallow, nodding.
“You’re not okay,” he points out.
“I am, sorry, I just had a mild panic attack,” I say softly.
“Because of the STDs or because of the fact I said I didn’t want babies?”
I flinch.
“Fuck, Ciara.”
“It’s okay,” I say, my voice wobbling. “I understand. We shouldn’t even be talking about this right now, we’re not even together.”
He looks hurt now. Fuck.
“Then what are we?”
“We’re trying, remember?”
“I’m sorry if my words hurt, Ciara, but there ain’t no way in hell I ever want kids...not after Cheyenne died, carryin’ my baby. I just don’t wanna ever feel that again.”
I’m crushed. My soul, it burns. I force myself to nod and smile, but inside I feel like I am being ripped to pieces.
“I’m really tired, can we go?”
His face tightens. “Ciara, fuck, if there’s going to be a problem...”
“It’s okay,” I say, smiling even though I’m hurting inside. “I’m okay with that, I know how you feel. I’m sorry, it all just came as a shock. We’re okay.”
He narrows his eyes again, but nods. “All right, let’s go.”
We both stand and dress ourselves. My heart is throbbing, and my body feels wobbly. What if I’m already pregnant?
Shit.
What do I do then?
CHAPTER 16
PRESENT – CIARA
I tell Spike I need to get something back to Addi, and I ask him if he can drop me off to their hotel room. He agrees, saying he needs to speak with Cade anyway. The entire ride is silent, and my head is spinning.
When we arrive at the hotel, I jump off the bike and rush through the gates. Spike follows me, his boots crunching heavily on the rocks. Cade, Jackson, and Addison are all standing outside near the pool, just under the bright, blue light that shines down onto the water. Cade nods at Spike, and smiles at me. Addi notices my expression and walks over quickly. I grip her arm, flashing Cade, Jackson and Spike a fake smile.
“I just need to borrow Addi, real quick.”
They all watch me, confused. Spike’s eyes narrow, and he crosses his arms. I spin Addi around and we walk off. When we get around the side of the building, I burst into a fit of uncontrollable tears.
“Hey, whoa, Ciara...what’s wrong,” Addi says, pulling me into her arms.
“I think I have a massive problem.”
“What happened?”
I tell her what went down between Spike and I, then I step back, swiping my eyes to gauge her reaction.
“Shit,” she says, sighing deeply.
“I don’t know what to do, Addi. I know I could be jumping ahead, but we’ve had a lot of sex and...well...most of it’s been unprotected. I’m such an idiot, at the time I didn’t even think.”
“Hey, it’s not just you who didn’t think, honey.”
“He won’t stick around. If I’m pregnant, he’s going to run.”
“All right, all right, let’s think about this. You two haven’t been together more than a few days, yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Well, there is the option of the morning after pill.”
I swallow, and begin crying even harder. “God, Addi, this sucks.”
“You might not even be pregnant, but if it’s something you are really worried about, you might want to consider your options. The morning after stops it before it happens, and right now I think it’s the best choice. You and Spike are rocky, you haven’t been together long enough to deal with something like that, even if there’s only a small chance. You have to think about what you want more.”
“It’s him,” I whisper. “It’s always been him.”
“Then we’ll go for a drive, yeah?”
I nod, swallowing.
“Come here,” she says, pulling me into her arms. We hug for a long moment, before she pulls back and wipes my face with a tissue she pulls from her purse.
