“That’s why you were in a mood that whole day and at the party …” I stood up slowly and he watched me warily. “That’s why you ended it with me.”
“It could never work between us.”
“Because of this?”
“Lexie, I practically sold my soul to get where I am today. I’m a selfish bastard … and you …” His eyes washed over my face. “You’ve already lost everything to keep your soul intact.”
“Caine.” I couldn’t say anything for a minute. I was strangled by emotion.
He abruptly started to walk away.
“Don’t go,” I cried out.
He stopped, turning slightly to look back at me.
“I love you,” I said through my tears. “I love you so much. Nothing changes that. Nothing.”
He huffed in irritated disbelief. “Not even the fact that I was a whore?”
I flinched at the word. It wasn’t an easy truth to swallow, and if I didn’t know him, know how life had cheated him from the start, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to see the big picture. But I could. I didn’t blame Caine for what had happened. I blamed them. “They used you,” I argued.
If anything, this seemed to piss Caine off even more.
“No, they used you,” I repeated. “Yes, you used them, but they used you too. You were just a kid.”
“I stopped being a kid at thirteen, Lexie.”
“You were just a kid to them. And you were a kid, whether you want to admit it or not, and you were hurting. You got through what happened to you because you had ambition to focus on. So you did something you’re ashamed of now … but it got you where you are. Do I wish it were different? Yes. I wish that wasn’t your past. I’m pretty sure right now you do too. But we can’t change it. It was years ago. You’re not the same person now. We just have to leave it where it belongs. In the past.”
“It’s not part of the past,” he snarled, seeming enraged by my understanding. “It’s who I am—it’s what I’m capable of! I use any means to get what I want and I don’t give a shit who I hurt in the process.”
“No.” I shook my head, not believing that for a second. “It’s not who you are. Not with me.” I reached for him, my fingers stroking through his hair as I curled my hand around the nape of his neck, trying to draw him closer. “You’re lying to yourself. You’re holding this up as a way to keep me locked out. But it’s too late. I’m in. You love me.” I smiled softly as he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth against my words. “You love me,” I repeated, “and you’ll never hurt me. And I will never hurt you. I will never use you like they did, like they all did. Because I want you. Just you.” I pressed my forehead against his jaw and held on tighter to him. “No one will ever understand like I do. You’re so different with me, baby. You take care of me. You make me feel safe. You’re not who you think you are. Didn’t you once tell me that people aren’t just one thing? You’re so much more to me than anything you might have done in the past.”
“Lexie,” he said, his voice guttural, “I told you this to wake you up. A man like me isn’t capable of being your fucking white knight.” His fingers peeled my hand from his neck and he gently pressed me away.
I felt the anger boil up inside me. “I’m not looking for a hero!”
He flinched at the emotion cracking my words.
“I never asked for that.” I shook, my hands curling into fists at my side. “I just wanted you, because despite what you might think, I see you. And no, you’re no fucking white knight, but you’re what I want.”
When he said nothing I felt my whole body turn cold.
“I won’t stay,” I warned him. “I won’t try to fight for you anymore. This is it. If you walk away it’s not for me. I won’t ever think that. I will always, always blame you for this. For ruining us.”
The silence of the apartment around us seemed to stretch, expand, and thicken like a monster in the dark. For a while we just stood there facing each other as the monster destroyed any chance of the connection that would stop us from breaking apart for good. Finally Caine wrenched his gaze from mine and turned his back on me.
I walked out of the room, suturing up the gaping wound in my chest with the last of my mental and emotional strength. I made it to the guest room, wound temporarily sealed. I was determined it would stay sealed just long enough for me to get the hell out of Boston.
CHAPTER 30
Caine,
After last night I’m sure you understand why I can’t be here anymore. For a while I held on to the hope that if I could just get you to open up to me, to tell me your secrets, then everything would work out for us. Since you’re determined to keep us apart, I’m determined to move on with my life.
I’m heading to Connecticut now to see my dad. The attack brought back a lot of those issues, and I need to try to resolve them before I leave for Paris.
I want to thank you for taking care of me these last few weeks, and I want you to know that I appreciate all you’ve done to try and find the moron who did this. I truly believe he’s lost in the wind, but it doesn’t matter now since I won’t be around long enough for his possible reappearance. When I return to Boston I’m going to fly out to Paris as soon as possible to look at places to rent, etc. Although I truly am grateful for what you’ve done, I would appreciate it if you’d stay away when I return to Boston. I don’t want to see you again. I want a fresh start. You owe me that.
“It could never work between us.”
“Because of this?”
“Lexie, I practically sold my soul to get where I am today. I’m a selfish bastard … and you …” His eyes washed over my face. “You’ve already lost everything to keep your soul intact.”
“Caine.” I couldn’t say anything for a minute. I was strangled by emotion.
He abruptly started to walk away.
“Don’t go,” I cried out.
He stopped, turning slightly to look back at me.
“I love you,” I said through my tears. “I love you so much. Nothing changes that. Nothing.”
He huffed in irritated disbelief. “Not even the fact that I was a whore?”
I flinched at the word. It wasn’t an easy truth to swallow, and if I didn’t know him, know how life had cheated him from the start, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to see the big picture. But I could. I didn’t blame Caine for what had happened. I blamed them. “They used you,” I argued.
If anything, this seemed to piss Caine off even more.
“No, they used you,” I repeated. “Yes, you used them, but they used you too. You were just a kid.”
“I stopped being a kid at thirteen, Lexie.”
“You were just a kid to them. And you were a kid, whether you want to admit it or not, and you were hurting. You got through what happened to you because you had ambition to focus on. So you did something you’re ashamed of now … but it got you where you are. Do I wish it were different? Yes. I wish that wasn’t your past. I’m pretty sure right now you do too. But we can’t change it. It was years ago. You’re not the same person now. We just have to leave it where it belongs. In the past.”
“It’s not part of the past,” he snarled, seeming enraged by my understanding. “It’s who I am—it’s what I’m capable of! I use any means to get what I want and I don’t give a shit who I hurt in the process.”
“No.” I shook my head, not believing that for a second. “It’s not who you are. Not with me.” I reached for him, my fingers stroking through his hair as I curled my hand around the nape of his neck, trying to draw him closer. “You’re lying to yourself. You’re holding this up as a way to keep me locked out. But it’s too late. I’m in. You love me.” I smiled softly as he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth against my words. “You love me,” I repeated, “and you’ll never hurt me. And I will never hurt you. I will never use you like they did, like they all did. Because I want you. Just you.” I pressed my forehead against his jaw and held on tighter to him. “No one will ever understand like I do. You’re so different with me, baby. You take care of me. You make me feel safe. You’re not who you think you are. Didn’t you once tell me that people aren’t just one thing? You’re so much more to me than anything you might have done in the past.”
“Lexie,” he said, his voice guttural, “I told you this to wake you up. A man like me isn’t capable of being your fucking white knight.” His fingers peeled my hand from his neck and he gently pressed me away.
I felt the anger boil up inside me. “I’m not looking for a hero!”
He flinched at the emotion cracking my words.
“I never asked for that.” I shook, my hands curling into fists at my side. “I just wanted you, because despite what you might think, I see you. And no, you’re no fucking white knight, but you’re what I want.”
When he said nothing I felt my whole body turn cold.
“I won’t stay,” I warned him. “I won’t try to fight for you anymore. This is it. If you walk away it’s not for me. I won’t ever think that. I will always, always blame you for this. For ruining us.”
The silence of the apartment around us seemed to stretch, expand, and thicken like a monster in the dark. For a while we just stood there facing each other as the monster destroyed any chance of the connection that would stop us from breaking apart for good. Finally Caine wrenched his gaze from mine and turned his back on me.
I walked out of the room, suturing up the gaping wound in my chest with the last of my mental and emotional strength. I made it to the guest room, wound temporarily sealed. I was determined it would stay sealed just long enough for me to get the hell out of Boston.
CHAPTER 30
Caine,
After last night I’m sure you understand why I can’t be here anymore. For a while I held on to the hope that if I could just get you to open up to me, to tell me your secrets, then everything would work out for us. Since you’re determined to keep us apart, I’m determined to move on with my life.
I’m heading to Connecticut now to see my dad. The attack brought back a lot of those issues, and I need to try to resolve them before I leave for Paris.
I want to thank you for taking care of me these last few weeks, and I want you to know that I appreciate all you’ve done to try and find the moron who did this. I truly believe he’s lost in the wind, but it doesn’t matter now since I won’t be around long enough for his possible reappearance. When I return to Boston I’m going to fly out to Paris as soon as possible to look at places to rent, etc. Although I truly am grateful for what you’ve done, I would appreciate it if you’d stay away when I return to Boston. I don’t want to see you again. I want a fresh start. You owe me that.
