Hold on Tight
Page 42
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Dewayne was standing in the living room with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the pictures of Micah and me I had lining the mantel. One was from the day he learned to take his first steps. Another was from his third birthday. The last one was taken the day I graduated from beauty school.
“You were just a kid here,” he said, picking up the photo of me and Micah when he’d taken his first steps.
“I was almost eighteen,” I said. But I had been a kid.
“You look so proud of him. You don’t look tired or bitter. Just happy.”
“I was happy. My baby boy was walking, and I was the only person he would walk to. He was trying to follow me around the house. That’s how he started walking. Crawling wasn’t fast enough.”
Dewayne set it back down. “Do you have extras? I’d like photos of him and you. My mom and dad would too.”
I had taken so many photos and sent them with the missing letters. I’d also been keeping a scrapbook for my parents up until he was three and I realized they were never going to reach out and get to know Micah. So I’d stopped making it. But I still had it.
“I have a scrapbook of his first three years that y’all can have. I can get you copies of photos from the past two years to add to it.”
Dewayne smiled. “That would be great. I want to see him as he grows. I want to see you with him. I love watching the way he looks at you. It says a lot about you and what kind of mother you are. That kid thinks you can do no wrong. He tells my mom and dad all about the things you’ve taken him to do and the things you cook that he loves. I think Momma may love you more than she loves me these days.”
He grinned when he said it. That was the only reason I knew he was kidding. I didn’t want to make him feel like I was trying to walk into his life and change it. I just wanted Micah to get to be a part of his life. Micah already loved him.
“Your mother loves you,” I said, assuring him.
He chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, she does. Don’t know why.”
Because you’re lovable and kind. Because you make everyone around you smile. Because you have a really big heart. I remember you taking the time to make a scared little fourteen-year-old girl feel safe in high school. I didn’t say any of those things, though. I couldn’t. Not now. Not after last night.
“You’re blushing. You thinking about last night?” he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
I covered my warm cheeks with my hands, hating my tendency to blush.
“It’s okay. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it either.”
Oh my. The silly flip my heart always did around him turned into a wild flutter.
“Problem is, I got to stop thinking about it. You do too. We can’t go there. We have Micah to think about, and I don’t do relationships, Sienna. It’s not me. I’m my own man. I don’t like to be tied down. I don’t even want to think of settling down. Being the man you deserve. It’s not me. You need the settling-down type. You need a Cam Dodge in your life. Not me. Us,” he said, motioning his hand between the two of us, “we’re friends. Hell, we’re family. That boy in there is what’s important, and we both love him. Let’s not mess up what he needs with something that won’t end well.”
The fluttering stopped. It sank to my stomach and made a tight, painful knot. He was making sure I got that he wasn’t interested in something with me. Just some phone sex and he was ready to move on. That hurt way more than the “average” comment he’d said he hadn’t meant.
“You understand, right? It ain’t that you aren’t gorgeous. You’ll make a man a really lucky sonuvabitch one day. I’m just not the man you settle down with. I’m the bad boy girls sew their wild oats with. But I’ll be the best damn uncle in the world. And if you need anything, you come to me. I’ll take care of it. Always.”
He would do anything for me because of Micah. That was it. If it weren’t for Micah, he wouldn’t care that I was back. That I existed. I was a young single mom with a job that got me by from week to week. I didn’t have a lot to offer someone. I got that. But hearing Dewayne say I wasn’t enough hit me hard. Really hard.
I just nodded. I couldn’t speak.
He smiled, walked over, and pressed a kiss to my forehead like I was a kid. Then he turned and left.
I stood there for a long time. Letting it all sink in. Tomorrow I would move on. Tomorrow I would find a way to forget Dewayne Falco. But right now I wasn’t ready.
DEWAYNE
By Thursday I had stayed away from Sienna’s for a week. I had texted Sienna and told her to take Micah to my parents’ Saturday morning, that I would pick him up there. I had spent the day with him, then left him with my parents minutes before Sienna got back, using my job as an excuse for running off.
I was trying to give myself time to forget how much I wanted her. She had been so accepting of my reasons for not being able to be with her that it had been painful. I wasn’t sure what I had wanted her to do. Argue with me? Maybe. Maybe I wanted a reason to kiss her lips again. Touch her in places I’d dreamed about. Fuck. Who was I kidding? I loved being near her. Watching her move. She had this way about her. Even when she was doing something simple, I was completely fascinated by her.
She had listened to my reasons and then nodded. That was it. Nothing else. So I’d run out of there and hadn’t been back. I couldn’t face her. Because I was pretty damn sure I’d grab her and kiss her until we both forgot what a bad idea that all was.
“You were just a kid here,” he said, picking up the photo of me and Micah when he’d taken his first steps.
“I was almost eighteen,” I said. But I had been a kid.
“You look so proud of him. You don’t look tired or bitter. Just happy.”
“I was happy. My baby boy was walking, and I was the only person he would walk to. He was trying to follow me around the house. That’s how he started walking. Crawling wasn’t fast enough.”
Dewayne set it back down. “Do you have extras? I’d like photos of him and you. My mom and dad would too.”
I had taken so many photos and sent them with the missing letters. I’d also been keeping a scrapbook for my parents up until he was three and I realized they were never going to reach out and get to know Micah. So I’d stopped making it. But I still had it.
“I have a scrapbook of his first three years that y’all can have. I can get you copies of photos from the past two years to add to it.”
Dewayne smiled. “That would be great. I want to see him as he grows. I want to see you with him. I love watching the way he looks at you. It says a lot about you and what kind of mother you are. That kid thinks you can do no wrong. He tells my mom and dad all about the things you’ve taken him to do and the things you cook that he loves. I think Momma may love you more than she loves me these days.”
He grinned when he said it. That was the only reason I knew he was kidding. I didn’t want to make him feel like I was trying to walk into his life and change it. I just wanted Micah to get to be a part of his life. Micah already loved him.
“Your mother loves you,” I said, assuring him.
He chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, she does. Don’t know why.”
Because you’re lovable and kind. Because you make everyone around you smile. Because you have a really big heart. I remember you taking the time to make a scared little fourteen-year-old girl feel safe in high school. I didn’t say any of those things, though. I couldn’t. Not now. Not after last night.
“You’re blushing. You thinking about last night?” he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
I covered my warm cheeks with my hands, hating my tendency to blush.
“It’s okay. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it either.”
Oh my. The silly flip my heart always did around him turned into a wild flutter.
“Problem is, I got to stop thinking about it. You do too. We can’t go there. We have Micah to think about, and I don’t do relationships, Sienna. It’s not me. I’m my own man. I don’t like to be tied down. I don’t even want to think of settling down. Being the man you deserve. It’s not me. You need the settling-down type. You need a Cam Dodge in your life. Not me. Us,” he said, motioning his hand between the two of us, “we’re friends. Hell, we’re family. That boy in there is what’s important, and we both love him. Let’s not mess up what he needs with something that won’t end well.”
The fluttering stopped. It sank to my stomach and made a tight, painful knot. He was making sure I got that he wasn’t interested in something with me. Just some phone sex and he was ready to move on. That hurt way more than the “average” comment he’d said he hadn’t meant.
“You understand, right? It ain’t that you aren’t gorgeous. You’ll make a man a really lucky sonuvabitch one day. I’m just not the man you settle down with. I’m the bad boy girls sew their wild oats with. But I’ll be the best damn uncle in the world. And if you need anything, you come to me. I’ll take care of it. Always.”
He would do anything for me because of Micah. That was it. If it weren’t for Micah, he wouldn’t care that I was back. That I existed. I was a young single mom with a job that got me by from week to week. I didn’t have a lot to offer someone. I got that. But hearing Dewayne say I wasn’t enough hit me hard. Really hard.
I just nodded. I couldn’t speak.
He smiled, walked over, and pressed a kiss to my forehead like I was a kid. Then he turned and left.
I stood there for a long time. Letting it all sink in. Tomorrow I would move on. Tomorrow I would find a way to forget Dewayne Falco. But right now I wasn’t ready.
DEWAYNE
By Thursday I had stayed away from Sienna’s for a week. I had texted Sienna and told her to take Micah to my parents’ Saturday morning, that I would pick him up there. I had spent the day with him, then left him with my parents minutes before Sienna got back, using my job as an excuse for running off.
I was trying to give myself time to forget how much I wanted her. She had been so accepting of my reasons for not being able to be with her that it had been painful. I wasn’t sure what I had wanted her to do. Argue with me? Maybe. Maybe I wanted a reason to kiss her lips again. Touch her in places I’d dreamed about. Fuck. Who was I kidding? I loved being near her. Watching her move. She had this way about her. Even when she was doing something simple, I was completely fascinated by her.
She had listened to my reasons and then nodded. That was it. Nothing else. So I’d run out of there and hadn’t been back. I couldn’t face her. Because I was pretty damn sure I’d grab her and kiss her until we both forgot what a bad idea that all was.
