I need to go inside.
Yeah, I need to go inside.
Throwing the car door open, I walk inside, pushing back my tears.
Because I just want to be done with this.
I want to be strong.
When I get to Lucy’s design office, I actually feel better. Dr. Glasscoy isn’t Dr. Perry, but today he was good. I think he knew when I walked in that I was on the verge of having a panic attack or that I was two seconds from finding something sharp, and he talked me through it. He suggested upping my meds and plans on calling Dr. Perry to get her opinion. I don’t know, I just wish it would go away, that I can be normal. But apparently, I wasn’t handed that hand, and I have to play with the cards I have.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just have to believe in myself.
And not get overwhelmed.
Drawing in a breath through my nose, I let it out through my mouth and then push the door open. When Lucy asked me to come by, I was excited to spend time with Angie and even Lucy. But now, I’m nervous. What if she decides she doesn’t like me and tells Jace to break up with me? He’d do it. I know he would because his family is everything to him. I’m just the girlfriend, the one who has a wall up. He may be committed to me, but he doesn’t love me like he loves them. Hell, he probably doesn’t even love me. How could he? I’m no one special.
“No. Stop,” I say to myself as I slam the door shut. “This isn’t you.”
It isn’t. Did I forget my meds today? I did since I slept at Jace’s. No wonder I’m so messed up. Looking up at the sign that reads, “Let Lucy Design You,” I wonder if I should just go back home. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to hang with everyone when I’m so fucked in the head. But before I can even try to get away, Angie is barreling out of the building and crashing into me, her little arms hugging me tightly as she grins up at me.
“You’re here!”
I put on a smile, the tears still burning my eyes as I look down at her sweet face. She looks just like Lucy, dark hair with bright green eyes and pale skin. She’s a beautiful child, and I do want to spend some time with her. I just really don’t know if I’m in a good place.
But I can’t let her down.
Swallowing hard, I say, “I am. Are you ready?”
“Yup! Come on, Mommy got us all kinds of stuff. So much glitter!”
“I do love glitter,” I say and she grins.
“Me too!” She pulls me along. Looking up, I see that Lucy is at the entryway, a smile on her face as she holds the door for us.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I say as we pass through. When the door shuts, she locks it. “You done for today?”
“I am. I didn’t want to ask you to drive all the way out to the house. Plus, my mom has Jude and Claire there right now visiting, so I figured we could hang here and do the posters.”
“Cool,” I say as Angie drags me into a conference room that is full of posters and art supplies.
“You okay?”
Looking back at Lucy, I nod. “I’m fine.” She eyes me, though, and nervousness eats me alive as I redirect my gaze to Angie. Can she tell I’m fucked up? “Ready?”
“Yeah!”
We get to work. Even Lucy helps and I start to feel so much better being with them. Angie is energetic and funny, reminding me so much of Jace that I start to miss him desperately. Unlike how she usually is when Jace is around, Lucy is great. I mean, she is with Jace too, but usually, all her attention is on him, tormenting him. It’s nice just us, but what I love most is that, like her brother, she looks me square in the eye as she talks to me.
“So where is my brother?”
I smile as I draw a very elaborate hockey scene for Angie to color. “He’s sleeping. He needs it.”
“Running himself into the ground?”
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “He gets up at like four and goes into the coffee shop, then goes to practice at eight, and has classes till four most days. He doesn’t sleep much.”
“Yeah, he can do that sometimes. You should have seen him at Worlds. Jesus, I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack, she was so worried about him. But he was so excited and nervous, he didn’t sleep. It showed so much in the first game that his coach at the time told my mom to drug him. It was funny.”
“Yeah, he told me today that he is declining as a player.”
She shakes her head with a laugh. “Yeah, he must need sleep if he doesn’t think he’s amazing or awesome every second of the day.”
I grin because she is very right, but her earlier comment is still bothering me. “So, you went to Worlds with him?”
She nods. “Oh, yeah. I go to everything for all of them. We are very supportive when it comes to our dreams. I was even pregnant during Worlds with little butt here.”
Angie flashes her a grin as I watch her. “So you like hockey?”
“I love it,” Lucy says with a grin. “It’s a huge part of my family.”
“Yeah, mine too. But I don’t like it,” I admit. I immediately wish I hadn’t. Why does it matter? We are obviously two different people. She wouldn’t understand.
“Why’s that?”
Swallowing hard, I look away. “It always came first; what I wanted was never given a thought.”
When she doesn’t say anything, I look up at her and her face is scrunched up in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I have three brothers, two older and a twin. They all play and so we were all over the place. No one ever had time for anything I wanted to do.”
“So you didn’t do anything? Just travel with them?”
Like I thought, she doesn’t understand. Who could? I mean, what family alienates their child and doesn’t consider what they want? Her family isn’t like that. They all stand behind each other, cheering them on. I’ve never been told that my family was proud of me. Disappointed, though, I got that on lock.
“Yup, I was the official stick-carrier and popcorn-getter, though. So I guess I did big things.”
Reaching out, she cups my shoulder. “That blows, Avery. I’m sorry.”
“Eh, it’s whatever. I’m happier now that I’m doing what I want.”
“Good, you should be. I know I am. I’m living my dreams, and I couldn’t be happier.”
Yeah, I need to go inside.
Throwing the car door open, I walk inside, pushing back my tears.
Because I just want to be done with this.
I want to be strong.
When I get to Lucy’s design office, I actually feel better. Dr. Glasscoy isn’t Dr. Perry, but today he was good. I think he knew when I walked in that I was on the verge of having a panic attack or that I was two seconds from finding something sharp, and he talked me through it. He suggested upping my meds and plans on calling Dr. Perry to get her opinion. I don’t know, I just wish it would go away, that I can be normal. But apparently, I wasn’t handed that hand, and I have to play with the cards I have.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just have to believe in myself.
And not get overwhelmed.
Drawing in a breath through my nose, I let it out through my mouth and then push the door open. When Lucy asked me to come by, I was excited to spend time with Angie and even Lucy. But now, I’m nervous. What if she decides she doesn’t like me and tells Jace to break up with me? He’d do it. I know he would because his family is everything to him. I’m just the girlfriend, the one who has a wall up. He may be committed to me, but he doesn’t love me like he loves them. Hell, he probably doesn’t even love me. How could he? I’m no one special.
“No. Stop,” I say to myself as I slam the door shut. “This isn’t you.”
It isn’t. Did I forget my meds today? I did since I slept at Jace’s. No wonder I’m so messed up. Looking up at the sign that reads, “Let Lucy Design You,” I wonder if I should just go back home. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to hang with everyone when I’m so fucked in the head. But before I can even try to get away, Angie is barreling out of the building and crashing into me, her little arms hugging me tightly as she grins up at me.
“You’re here!”
I put on a smile, the tears still burning my eyes as I look down at her sweet face. She looks just like Lucy, dark hair with bright green eyes and pale skin. She’s a beautiful child, and I do want to spend some time with her. I just really don’t know if I’m in a good place.
But I can’t let her down.
Swallowing hard, I say, “I am. Are you ready?”
“Yup! Come on, Mommy got us all kinds of stuff. So much glitter!”
“I do love glitter,” I say and she grins.
“Me too!” She pulls me along. Looking up, I see that Lucy is at the entryway, a smile on her face as she holds the door for us.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I say as we pass through. When the door shuts, she locks it. “You done for today?”
“I am. I didn’t want to ask you to drive all the way out to the house. Plus, my mom has Jude and Claire there right now visiting, so I figured we could hang here and do the posters.”
“Cool,” I say as Angie drags me into a conference room that is full of posters and art supplies.
“You okay?”
Looking back at Lucy, I nod. “I’m fine.” She eyes me, though, and nervousness eats me alive as I redirect my gaze to Angie. Can she tell I’m fucked up? “Ready?”
“Yeah!”
We get to work. Even Lucy helps and I start to feel so much better being with them. Angie is energetic and funny, reminding me so much of Jace that I start to miss him desperately. Unlike how she usually is when Jace is around, Lucy is great. I mean, she is with Jace too, but usually, all her attention is on him, tormenting him. It’s nice just us, but what I love most is that, like her brother, she looks me square in the eye as she talks to me.
“So where is my brother?”
I smile as I draw a very elaborate hockey scene for Angie to color. “He’s sleeping. He needs it.”
“Running himself into the ground?”
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “He gets up at like four and goes into the coffee shop, then goes to practice at eight, and has classes till four most days. He doesn’t sleep much.”
“Yeah, he can do that sometimes. You should have seen him at Worlds. Jesus, I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack, she was so worried about him. But he was so excited and nervous, he didn’t sleep. It showed so much in the first game that his coach at the time told my mom to drug him. It was funny.”
“Yeah, he told me today that he is declining as a player.”
She shakes her head with a laugh. “Yeah, he must need sleep if he doesn’t think he’s amazing or awesome every second of the day.”
I grin because she is very right, but her earlier comment is still bothering me. “So, you went to Worlds with him?”
She nods. “Oh, yeah. I go to everything for all of them. We are very supportive when it comes to our dreams. I was even pregnant during Worlds with little butt here.”
Angie flashes her a grin as I watch her. “So you like hockey?”
“I love it,” Lucy says with a grin. “It’s a huge part of my family.”
“Yeah, mine too. But I don’t like it,” I admit. I immediately wish I hadn’t. Why does it matter? We are obviously two different people. She wouldn’t understand.
“Why’s that?”
Swallowing hard, I look away. “It always came first; what I wanted was never given a thought.”
When she doesn’t say anything, I look up at her and her face is scrunched up in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I have three brothers, two older and a twin. They all play and so we were all over the place. No one ever had time for anything I wanted to do.”
“So you didn’t do anything? Just travel with them?”
Like I thought, she doesn’t understand. Who could? I mean, what family alienates their child and doesn’t consider what they want? Her family isn’t like that. They all stand behind each other, cheering them on. I’ve never been told that my family was proud of me. Disappointed, though, I got that on lock.
“Yup, I was the official stick-carrier and popcorn-getter, though. So I guess I did big things.”
Reaching out, she cups my shoulder. “That blows, Avery. I’m sorry.”
“Eh, it’s whatever. I’m happier now that I’m doing what I want.”
“Good, you should be. I know I am. I’m living my dreams, and I couldn’t be happier.”
