He laughed. “I don’t know about that. There are a lot of working actresses out there way older than you. And a lot of them win those fancy awards, don’t they?”
“I guess you’re right. But this business will make a person paranoid. So will the people we work with, like our agents and publicists and casting agents and all the media who will wonder if I’m a washout if I don’t sign on for the next big movie, you know?”
“What does your heart tell you? If you’re not happy, then maybe there’s something else you want to be doing.”
“Honestly, Logan? I haven’t taken a breath long enough to even listen to my heart. So I don’t have any idea what I really want to do.”
He rubbed her legs. “Maybe that’s your answer.”
“Maybe it is.”
He slid her legs off his lap and stood, then held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
She walked upstairs with him and took off her clothes. He gave her an unopened toothbrush for her to brush her teeth, then she climbed into bed next to him, and Logan turned off the light.
“Thanks,” he said as he pulled her against his chest.
“For what?”
“For letting me watch one of your movies.”
“Oh. You’re welcome. It wasn’t as painful as I thought it was going to be.”
She felt the deep rumble of his laugh.
“Logan?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“For listening to me.”
“Always. I don’t know that I solved any of your problems, Des, but I’m always willing to listen.”
Her heart squeezed. She tried not to open her heart any more to him than it already was, but she couldn’t help it.
She was in love with him, and she was never one to deny the truth. There it was, and she was just going to have to deal with it.
Chapter 20
DES STOOD IN Colt’s trailer with him.
“Are you sure you want me here with you?” she asked, sitting next to him on his sofa. “Are you sure they’re going to want me here?”
“They’re not going to want you here. But I do.”
“Okay. But if at any time you want me to leave, just tell me and I’m gone.”
Colt grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “I need your support, Des. Tony’s shooting an indie movie in Colorado right now and can’t be here. He didn’t want me to do this alone, so I promised him you’d be here with me.”
She nodded. “I’m here for you, honey. You know that.”
At the knock on the door, she read the panic on Colt’s face and reached down to squeeze his hand. “It’s going to be all right. Just be firm. You know this is what you want.”
“You’re right. I know exactly what I want.”
Colt went over and opened the door to his agent, Nora Pantere, and his PR rep, Stan Balleu. They weren’t the same people who represented Des, but they were reputable, and they’d done a great job with Colt’s career.
“Oh, hi, Des,” Nora said, shaking her hand. “We didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Hello, Desiree,” Stan said. “I’ve seen some of the dailies for the movie. You and Colt look dyn**ite together.”
“Thanks, Stan.”
“Would either of you like a drink?” Colt asked.
“Mineral water for me,” Nora said. “Lord, but it’s hot out here. How are you two holding up?”
“Same for me,” Stan said.
While Colt went to grab their drinks, Des answered. “We’re handling it just fine. And the shoot’s going well. Why don’t you two come in and sit down?”
She led them into the living space and they grabbed a seat.
“I hope this is some announcement that the two of you are either dating or engaged,” Stan said. “That would be such a stellar PR move in advance of the release of this movie.”
Colt handed them both drinks. “You know that’s not going to happen, Stan.”
Stan, a short, stocky bald man in his late forties, sighed. “A man can dream, can’t he?”
Nora laughed. “So why are we here, Colt?”
Colt took a seat on the chair next to them. Des took up position behind him.
“I’m going to come out.”
Dead. Silence. Des chewed on her lower lip.
“No,” Nora said.
“Absolutely not,” Stan added. “It’ll be the death of your career as a lead actor and you know it.”
“Stan’s right,” Nora said. “We’ve discussed this before, Colt. Many actors are gay. Closeted gay. And highly successful. Some are even married. To women. You can make this work, Colt, and have years ahead of you making profitable movies. Maybe even win an Academy Award.”
“But if you come out as a g*y man,” Stan said, taking over for Nora, “your leading man days are over. No actress will want to work with you, no studio will cast you in a leading role, and no women will fork over money to come see you. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The American buying public is just not ready for a g*y man to be a leading role in a movie.”
It took everything within Des not to speak out in rebuttal. But this wasn’t her show to lead. It was Colt’s. And if he backed down now, he’d likely never stand up to them again.
“Sorry, but I think that’s bullshit,” Colt finally said.
And Des exhaled.
“I’m a bankable leading man, and you both know it. My sexual orientation notwithstanding, I can open a movie. I’ve been doing it for ten years, and after I come out, I’ll continue to do it. I’m tired of hiding in the shadows with the person I love. I want to be able to live freely, and love the same way. It shouldn’t matter who I live with, or who I love. That makes no difference in my performance as an actor.”
“No, it shouldn’t,” Nora said. “But it will. Mark my words, Colt, it will make a difference.”
Stan stood. “You’re going to take a hit. A serious one. In the media as well as at the box office.”
“I might take a small one. But I don’t think in the grand scheme of my overall career that it’ll suffer. And I don’t intend to come out in a major way. I’m not going to make a major announcement. But Tony and I are going to live together, and he’s going to attend the premiere of Lost Objectives with me.”
Nora cocked a brow. “And you know with everything that’s in me as your agent, I’m going to try and change your mind.”
“You can try, but it won’t happen. I’m committed.”
Stan rubbed his temple. “You should be committed. This is a mistake. It’ll ruin you.”
“I don’t believe that,” Colt said. “I have confidence in my bankability, and in the public. In the end, it’s not going to matter.”
Nora sighed. “Colt, I don’t like this at all. But I’ll support you, and our team will do whatever damage control is necessary.”
They stayed through dinner, and Des didn’t leave Colt’s side the entire time. The biggest thing was, neither his agent nor his PR team abandoned him, which she knew had been Colt’s biggest fear. Of course they spent the entire time trying to talk him out of his decision, which Des had expected them to do, but in the end, they offered their support. She was so glad.
When Nora and Stan left around eight to catch their flight back, Colt and Des walked them to the entrance gate and waved good-bye as their SUV pulled away.
Colt turned to her and Des wrapped her arms around him.
He sagged against her, and she knew the emotional turmoil he’d been through that day had to have exhausted him.
“Jesus, that was draining,” he whispered against her neck.
She brushed her hands through his hair. “I know, honey. And you can still change your mind if you want to.”
He pulled back and held her hands. “I don’t want to change my mind. I’m tired of being afraid that someone is going to see me with Tony, that some paparazzi are going to snap a picture of the two of us together, then blow up our relationship in the tabloids like it’s some big sleazy secret. It’s not sleazy. We’re in love and we have been for three years. It’s about time I stop living like it’s a secret that I’m too ashamed to have out. I have to live honestly.”
“Yes, you do. And your fans will appreciate that honesty. They love you, Colt. They love the kinds of movies you make. You’re not going to be any different because you’re gay.”
“I know that. But will everyone else?”
“I believe they will.”
He leaned in and wrapped his arms tightly around her. “I love you, Des.”
“I love you, too.” She lifted up and gave him a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth.
“Am I interrupting?”
Des turned to find Logan at the entrance to the gate. She smiled at him, then turned to Colt.
“Are you going to be all right, or do you need me to hang out with you?”
“I’m fine. I need a hot shower, then a hard drink. Then I’m going to make a phone call.”
He kissed her cheek. “Hey, Logan. I’ll see you later.”
“Colt.”
After Colt walked away, Des went up to Logan. “What brings you by?”
“Just wanted to see you. Was I interrupting?”
“Oh. With Colt? No.”
“Looked like a pretty intense moment between the two of you.”
Was he still jealous over the Colt thing? “Colt had a rough day.”
“And you kiss your friends who had rough days like that all the time?”
She looped her arm in his. “Are you jealous?”
He pulled back. “Seriously, Des. Is there something going on with you and Colt?”
“Seriously, Logan. There isn’t. We’re friends. I’ve told you that before.”
“I don’t kiss my friends like that.”
She laughed. “I would imagine you don’t, since most of your friends are guys.”
“I’m not kidding here.”
He wasn’t. He was pissed.
“Logan. There’s nothing going on with Colt and me. We’re friends.”
“So what was going on just now?”
“I told you. He had a rough day. I was offering him some comfort.”
“And you’re not going to elaborate.”
She lifted her chin, irritated that he would ask. “No. I’m not.”
“Whatever. I’m going to head back to the ranch.” He turned and walked toward the gate.
“Are you kidding me with this Neanderthal macho jealousy thing? You really don’t trust me?”
He stopped and pivoted to face her. “No, it’s that you don’t trust me.”
“Because I won’t tell you every detail of what Colt and I were talking about?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Some things I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Because your friendship with Colt is more important than what you and I have.”
“Now you’re being petty and childish.” And she was frustrated because she held Colt’s confidence.
“And now it’s time for me to leave. Good night, Des.”
She couldn’t believe he was leaving, that he’d seen what he wanted to see, and without justification, was angry about it.
Fine. He could just leave. She wasn’t going to ask him to stay. She walked back toward her trailer, determined to forget all about Logan. She had more important things to think about. Like Colt, who was her best friend and needed her and loved her unconditionally.
And her movie, which she should spend more time concentrating on instead of pigheaded, provincial, idiotic males who had their heads stuck so far up their own asses their brains were leaking out in the last century.
LOGAN SAT IN his truck, steaming mad over his encounter with Des. He popped open the top of his can of pop and drank it down in about four swallows.
It had been a brutally hot, miserable day of work on the ranch. He’d gone back to the house, ate dinner, took a shower, and the only thing on his mind after that—hell, the only thing on his mind the entire day—had been to see Des. She’d been a balm to his tortured senses from day one. Even when she teased him, she relaxed him.
Except he’d walked through the gate and had seen her in one hell of romantic clinch with Colt. And then they’d kissed, and it sure had looked a lot more than a “just friends” kind of kiss to him. The heat that had cooked his blood all damn day long had begun to boil over with a jealous rage that had taken even him by surprise.
By nature he wasn’t a jealous type of guy, mainly because he never really cared all that much about any of the women he’d been with before. They’d all been casual acquaintances or occasional bed partners. So if they wanted to see other guys, that had been fine with him. He had never cared one way or another.
Except Des. Des did something to his brain or his heart or his something, because even knowing she and Colt were just friends, seeing her touching him and kissing him and being affectionate with him made him goddamn crazy.
And then he’d acted like an asshole—something he seemed to do regularly where she was concerned.
He took a deep breath and let it out. Yeah, he’d said stupid things to her and had accused her of having some kind of intimate relationship with Colt and lying to him about it.
He could lay the blame on his mother for this, but essentially, the fault was with him. Somewhere deep inside him, he was broken, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
“I guess you’re right. But this business will make a person paranoid. So will the people we work with, like our agents and publicists and casting agents and all the media who will wonder if I’m a washout if I don’t sign on for the next big movie, you know?”
“What does your heart tell you? If you’re not happy, then maybe there’s something else you want to be doing.”
“Honestly, Logan? I haven’t taken a breath long enough to even listen to my heart. So I don’t have any idea what I really want to do.”
He rubbed her legs. “Maybe that’s your answer.”
“Maybe it is.”
He slid her legs off his lap and stood, then held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
She walked upstairs with him and took off her clothes. He gave her an unopened toothbrush for her to brush her teeth, then she climbed into bed next to him, and Logan turned off the light.
“Thanks,” he said as he pulled her against his chest.
“For what?”
“For letting me watch one of your movies.”
“Oh. You’re welcome. It wasn’t as painful as I thought it was going to be.”
She felt the deep rumble of his laugh.
“Logan?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“For listening to me.”
“Always. I don’t know that I solved any of your problems, Des, but I’m always willing to listen.”
Her heart squeezed. She tried not to open her heart any more to him than it already was, but she couldn’t help it.
She was in love with him, and she was never one to deny the truth. There it was, and she was just going to have to deal with it.
Chapter 20
DES STOOD IN Colt’s trailer with him.
“Are you sure you want me here with you?” she asked, sitting next to him on his sofa. “Are you sure they’re going to want me here?”
“They’re not going to want you here. But I do.”
“Okay. But if at any time you want me to leave, just tell me and I’m gone.”
Colt grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “I need your support, Des. Tony’s shooting an indie movie in Colorado right now and can’t be here. He didn’t want me to do this alone, so I promised him you’d be here with me.”
She nodded. “I’m here for you, honey. You know that.”
At the knock on the door, she read the panic on Colt’s face and reached down to squeeze his hand. “It’s going to be all right. Just be firm. You know this is what you want.”
“You’re right. I know exactly what I want.”
Colt went over and opened the door to his agent, Nora Pantere, and his PR rep, Stan Balleu. They weren’t the same people who represented Des, but they were reputable, and they’d done a great job with Colt’s career.
“Oh, hi, Des,” Nora said, shaking her hand. “We didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Hello, Desiree,” Stan said. “I’ve seen some of the dailies for the movie. You and Colt look dyn**ite together.”
“Thanks, Stan.”
“Would either of you like a drink?” Colt asked.
“Mineral water for me,” Nora said. “Lord, but it’s hot out here. How are you two holding up?”
“Same for me,” Stan said.
While Colt went to grab their drinks, Des answered. “We’re handling it just fine. And the shoot’s going well. Why don’t you two come in and sit down?”
She led them into the living space and they grabbed a seat.
“I hope this is some announcement that the two of you are either dating or engaged,” Stan said. “That would be such a stellar PR move in advance of the release of this movie.”
Colt handed them both drinks. “You know that’s not going to happen, Stan.”
Stan, a short, stocky bald man in his late forties, sighed. “A man can dream, can’t he?”
Nora laughed. “So why are we here, Colt?”
Colt took a seat on the chair next to them. Des took up position behind him.
“I’m going to come out.”
Dead. Silence. Des chewed on her lower lip.
“No,” Nora said.
“Absolutely not,” Stan added. “It’ll be the death of your career as a lead actor and you know it.”
“Stan’s right,” Nora said. “We’ve discussed this before, Colt. Many actors are gay. Closeted gay. And highly successful. Some are even married. To women. You can make this work, Colt, and have years ahead of you making profitable movies. Maybe even win an Academy Award.”
“But if you come out as a g*y man,” Stan said, taking over for Nora, “your leading man days are over. No actress will want to work with you, no studio will cast you in a leading role, and no women will fork over money to come see you. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The American buying public is just not ready for a g*y man to be a leading role in a movie.”
It took everything within Des not to speak out in rebuttal. But this wasn’t her show to lead. It was Colt’s. And if he backed down now, he’d likely never stand up to them again.
“Sorry, but I think that’s bullshit,” Colt finally said.
And Des exhaled.
“I’m a bankable leading man, and you both know it. My sexual orientation notwithstanding, I can open a movie. I’ve been doing it for ten years, and after I come out, I’ll continue to do it. I’m tired of hiding in the shadows with the person I love. I want to be able to live freely, and love the same way. It shouldn’t matter who I live with, or who I love. That makes no difference in my performance as an actor.”
“No, it shouldn’t,” Nora said. “But it will. Mark my words, Colt, it will make a difference.”
Stan stood. “You’re going to take a hit. A serious one. In the media as well as at the box office.”
“I might take a small one. But I don’t think in the grand scheme of my overall career that it’ll suffer. And I don’t intend to come out in a major way. I’m not going to make a major announcement. But Tony and I are going to live together, and he’s going to attend the premiere of Lost Objectives with me.”
Nora cocked a brow. “And you know with everything that’s in me as your agent, I’m going to try and change your mind.”
“You can try, but it won’t happen. I’m committed.”
Stan rubbed his temple. “You should be committed. This is a mistake. It’ll ruin you.”
“I don’t believe that,” Colt said. “I have confidence in my bankability, and in the public. In the end, it’s not going to matter.”
Nora sighed. “Colt, I don’t like this at all. But I’ll support you, and our team will do whatever damage control is necessary.”
They stayed through dinner, and Des didn’t leave Colt’s side the entire time. The biggest thing was, neither his agent nor his PR team abandoned him, which she knew had been Colt’s biggest fear. Of course they spent the entire time trying to talk him out of his decision, which Des had expected them to do, but in the end, they offered their support. She was so glad.
When Nora and Stan left around eight to catch their flight back, Colt and Des walked them to the entrance gate and waved good-bye as their SUV pulled away.
Colt turned to her and Des wrapped her arms around him.
He sagged against her, and she knew the emotional turmoil he’d been through that day had to have exhausted him.
“Jesus, that was draining,” he whispered against her neck.
She brushed her hands through his hair. “I know, honey. And you can still change your mind if you want to.”
He pulled back and held her hands. “I don’t want to change my mind. I’m tired of being afraid that someone is going to see me with Tony, that some paparazzi are going to snap a picture of the two of us together, then blow up our relationship in the tabloids like it’s some big sleazy secret. It’s not sleazy. We’re in love and we have been for three years. It’s about time I stop living like it’s a secret that I’m too ashamed to have out. I have to live honestly.”
“Yes, you do. And your fans will appreciate that honesty. They love you, Colt. They love the kinds of movies you make. You’re not going to be any different because you’re gay.”
“I know that. But will everyone else?”
“I believe they will.”
He leaned in and wrapped his arms tightly around her. “I love you, Des.”
“I love you, too.” She lifted up and gave him a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth.
“Am I interrupting?”
Des turned to find Logan at the entrance to the gate. She smiled at him, then turned to Colt.
“Are you going to be all right, or do you need me to hang out with you?”
“I’m fine. I need a hot shower, then a hard drink. Then I’m going to make a phone call.”
He kissed her cheek. “Hey, Logan. I’ll see you later.”
“Colt.”
After Colt walked away, Des went up to Logan. “What brings you by?”
“Just wanted to see you. Was I interrupting?”
“Oh. With Colt? No.”
“Looked like a pretty intense moment between the two of you.”
Was he still jealous over the Colt thing? “Colt had a rough day.”
“And you kiss your friends who had rough days like that all the time?”
She looped her arm in his. “Are you jealous?”
He pulled back. “Seriously, Des. Is there something going on with you and Colt?”
“Seriously, Logan. There isn’t. We’re friends. I’ve told you that before.”
“I don’t kiss my friends like that.”
She laughed. “I would imagine you don’t, since most of your friends are guys.”
“I’m not kidding here.”
He wasn’t. He was pissed.
“Logan. There’s nothing going on with Colt and me. We’re friends.”
“So what was going on just now?”
“I told you. He had a rough day. I was offering him some comfort.”
“And you’re not going to elaborate.”
She lifted her chin, irritated that he would ask. “No. I’m not.”
“Whatever. I’m going to head back to the ranch.” He turned and walked toward the gate.
“Are you kidding me with this Neanderthal macho jealousy thing? You really don’t trust me?”
He stopped and pivoted to face her. “No, it’s that you don’t trust me.”
“Because I won’t tell you every detail of what Colt and I were talking about?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Some things I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Because your friendship with Colt is more important than what you and I have.”
“Now you’re being petty and childish.” And she was frustrated because she held Colt’s confidence.
“And now it’s time for me to leave. Good night, Des.”
She couldn’t believe he was leaving, that he’d seen what he wanted to see, and without justification, was angry about it.
Fine. He could just leave. She wasn’t going to ask him to stay. She walked back toward her trailer, determined to forget all about Logan. She had more important things to think about. Like Colt, who was her best friend and needed her and loved her unconditionally.
And her movie, which she should spend more time concentrating on instead of pigheaded, provincial, idiotic males who had their heads stuck so far up their own asses their brains were leaking out in the last century.
LOGAN SAT IN his truck, steaming mad over his encounter with Des. He popped open the top of his can of pop and drank it down in about four swallows.
It had been a brutally hot, miserable day of work on the ranch. He’d gone back to the house, ate dinner, took a shower, and the only thing on his mind after that—hell, the only thing on his mind the entire day—had been to see Des. She’d been a balm to his tortured senses from day one. Even when she teased him, she relaxed him.
Except he’d walked through the gate and had seen her in one hell of romantic clinch with Colt. And then they’d kissed, and it sure had looked a lot more than a “just friends” kind of kiss to him. The heat that had cooked his blood all damn day long had begun to boil over with a jealous rage that had taken even him by surprise.
By nature he wasn’t a jealous type of guy, mainly because he never really cared all that much about any of the women he’d been with before. They’d all been casual acquaintances or occasional bed partners. So if they wanted to see other guys, that had been fine with him. He had never cared one way or another.
Except Des. Des did something to his brain or his heart or his something, because even knowing she and Colt were just friends, seeing her touching him and kissing him and being affectionate with him made him goddamn crazy.
And then he’d acted like an asshole—something he seemed to do regularly where she was concerned.
He took a deep breath and let it out. Yeah, he’d said stupid things to her and had accused her of having some kind of intimate relationship with Colt and lying to him about it.
He could lay the blame on his mother for this, but essentially, the fault was with him. Somewhere deep inside him, he was broken, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
