How to Ruin My Teenage Life
Page 21

My dad watches us as in he's a guard in the Israeli military.
"Lyla tov, Amy," Avi says, then winks at me.
I guess my night is over, whether I want it to be or not. "Goodnight," I say, then go back to my room and text Jessica.
Me: You there?
Jess: Yep, was waiting 4 u to text me. How's the hottie?
Me: Kewl
Jess: What, no details?
Me: There are none
Jess: Liar. U kiss him yet?
Me: Yes Jess: And?
Me:
Jess: What's wrong?
Me: Wasn't the same.
Jess: Can I have him, then?
Me: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jess: Just kidding. Gee, Amy, no need 2 yell. Didn't know u were so territorial.
Me: I'm not. OK I am.
Jess: U confuse me.
Me: I confuse myself. And I'm tired.
Jess: Me, 2
Me: I'm going to bed. C u tomorrow.
Jess: Bye, chica
Me: Lyla tov
21
***
Oil production of Saudi Arabia: 9.475 million barrels per day
Oil production of Iran: 3.979 million barrels per day
Oil production of Iraq: 2.093 million barrels per day
Oil production of Egypt: 700,000 barrels per day
Oil production of Syria: 403,800 barrels per day
Oil production of Israel: 2,740 barrels per day
Do you think Moses made a wrong turn somewhere?
***
The next day I leave Avi with a map of Chicago and a key to our condo before I catch the bus to school. No amount of begging my dad to stay home and ditch the algebra/trig test today so I can stay home with Avi worked. Nathan isn't at the bus stop, so I'm standing alone. On the bus, Jess is eager to grill me.
"So? How was it last night after we texted each other?" she asks before I even sit down.
"Uneventful. I went to bed." And neglected to do my homework, but I'm hoping to ignore that issue until I'm forced to deal with it. A person can only handle so much at one time.
"And this morning?"
"I took a shower, ate breakfast with Avi and my dad, and left for school."
Jess looks disappointed there isn't more to the story. I am, too. I wish I had more exciting news to tell her, but I'm not about to make anything up.
"I hear you're going to be a mom," Kyle says from the seat behind us.
"Don't know yet," I say, playing along so no one realizes how freaked out I am about Mutt's little escapade yesterday.
Mitch, who has been hiding in the back row of the public CTA bus in an obvious attempt to avoid being confronted by a jilted Jessica, says, "Dude, that dog is an animal."
Yes, he is. And yes, he's mine. "Where's Nathan, Amy?" Roxanne asks. "How would I know?"
"He's your boyfriend, isn't he? Or are you just going to the Valentine's Dance with him out of pity?"
Pity? Nathan doesn't need pity from me. Okay, so he needs a new wardrobe... but not pity.
"For your information," Jess says, turning around, "Amy has a boyfriend, and he's in town visiting her. Nathan was just a...a brain fart."
Oh, I'm sure Nathan will definitely appreciate being described as a fart. Sometimes Jess gets me in more trouble than I'm already in and has no clue she's done it.
"You guys should come to my place tonight," Kyle says.
"My p's are out of town. A bunch of us are gonna hang out.
Jessica says, "I can't."
"What about you, Amy? You can even pick one of the guys in your harem to bring," Kyle says.
It is Friday, and I am committed to showing Avi a great time while he's here. It wouldn't hurt to stop by Kyle's and hang out. Avi might actually like it. In the dark recesses of my mind, I'm a little excited to show Avi off to Roxanne, who'll inevitably show her face. She's always hanging on Kyle and his friends like one of those disgusting neck skin tags.
I find myself promising I'll be at the party with Avi. I turn back around and lean in to Jessica. "Where are you going tonight?"
"Youth group meeting."
Oops. I forgot I was supposed to go with her and Miranda again. "Are you upset if I don't go with you guys? I mean, Avi is here and all..."
"That's cool," she says. "We're supposed to do a scavenger hunt together, but Miranda and I can do it without you."
I think Avi would think a scavenger hunt with the teen youth group would be lame. I'm convinced he'll have a better time at a party where everyone is dancing and hanging out. Besides, I think he's had enough organized activities in Israel lately; he doesn't need another one while he's on vacation.
During lunch, Jess is sitting at Miranda's table and not at our usual spot. Nathan is sitting next to Miranda. They're all in a deep conversation.
I take my tray of the Chef's Pizza Special and sit next to Jessica. "What's so interesting?"
Miranda glances up and then back down at the paper she was writing on. She mumbles, "We're figuring out strategy for tonight."
"For the youth group thing?"
Jess looks up. "Yeah. We're dividing the city up into monuments, parks, and sports arenas."
I look up at Nathan. "Are you going?"
He puts his arm around Miranda and smiles at her. "Miranda invited me."
The poor girl looks nervous. "You don't mind, do you, Amy?"
"Why would I mind?"
"Well, you guys seem pretty close and everyone thinks you two have something going on." She says it as a statement and a question.
"Nathan has a girlfriend," I inform her.
"And Amy has a boyfriend," Nathan blurts out.
"Wait, I don't get it. If you have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend, why are you going to the Valentine's Dance together?"
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
Nathan takes his arm from Miranda's shoulder. "Now that is a great question."
"So what's the answer?" Jess asks impatiently.
"Well, since Avi will be back in Israel, and Bicky... well, I'm not convinced she's real but if she's not a figment of Nathan's imagination she's, nonetheless, not in Chicago. So we're going together...as friends. Right?"
Nathan puts his hands up. "That pretty much sums it up, except for the part about my girlfriend being a figment of my imagination. She's real."
"What school does she go to?" Miranda asks.
Instead of answering, Nathan gathers his lunch, shoves it into his bag, and stands up. "I just remembered I forgot to study for my chem exam. I'll catch you guys after school."
"Sure thing," Jessica says. "What's his issue?" she asks when he's out of earshot.
Looking at the door Nathan just bolted out of, I say, "No clue. But if you guys find out, you gotta tell me. He lives with his aunt and uncle, he doesn't talk about his past or his parents, and never talks about any brothers or sisters. Something's off."
"Maybe he's an undercover police officer investigating something illegal at school. Or maybe he's a reporter doing an expose on private schools."
I roll my eyes. "Miranda, I think you've been watching too much television." Nathan is definitely a teenager, as messed up and confused as I am.
I catch up to that messed up kid at his locker after school. "Miranda thinks you're an undercover reporter doing an expose on private schools... or a cop." With those glasses and skinny frame you'd think he was Clark Kent. Nah, he's too skinny and wouldn't be able to fill out any Superman outfit.
"Cool."
"So, what's your deal? Why are you living out of a suitcase? Why do you bring flowers to someone every week? Why do you say you have a girlfriend but she's never around?"
Nathan shoves his books into his backpack. "Why do you care?"
"I don't know."
He slings the backpack around his back and glares at me. "Well, when you do know maybe then I'll tell you."
22
***
I was preparing for conversion class today and read the Bible scenario if a man suspects his wife was not a virgin when they got married The woman, if found guilty, gets stoned to death by the men in her village. If the man is found to be proven wrong he gets fined and flogged(Deuteronomy 22:18). I seriously need to have a talk with Rabbi Glassman about this. Because there are just so many things wrong with this scenario.
***
I take Avi to Kyle's party in the evening, ready to show my boyfriend off to all my school friends (besides Jessica, Miranda, and Nathan, who are doing the temple youth group scavenger hunt). With a huge smile on my face, I take Avi's hand and lead him through Kyle's condo. It's bigger than my dad's--Kyle's dad owns one of the best steak houses in Chicago and likes to show off his wealth with big cars, big condos, and big boats.
In the kitchen, Kyle passes out cans of beer. "Dude, you must be Amy's boyfriend," Kyle says with a slurred voice. He's plastered.
Avi declines the beer and Kyle tosses the can to me.
"You're not drinking, are you?" Avi asks.
To be honest, I think beer is gross. "Nope," I say, and toss the can back to Kyle, who mumbles something under his breath about sober people being boring.
Leading Avi to the back of the house where most of the crowd has gathered, we find an unoccupied chair. Avi sits on it and I park myself on his lap.
The music is loud in the back room, almost to the point that my ears are pounding to the bass of the song. While everyone else is either drinking or making out or trying to talk above the music, I lean into Avi's chest while he holds me close.
When I catch sight of Roxanne arriving, I quickly turn my head toward Avi and start to kiss him. Our lips touch first, then I slide my tongue over his while I slip my arms up his chest and around his neck. As I pull back, I lick my lips and give him a sexy, knowing smile.
He nuzzles his mouth close to my ear and says, "Why the big show?"
I turn my head and try to say to him so only he can hear me above the blaring song, "Don't you want to kiss me?"
"Yeah. But not with a bunch of drunk kids watching us.
"Are you saying I'm a kid?"
Before he answers, I hear Roxanne's squeaky voice saying, "Hi, Amy. Hi, Nathan."
I look up. Roxanne is standing next to us, her fingers over her open mouth while she gasps. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Nathan."
I'm in trouble. Avi is expressionless, but his arm loosens from around my waist.
"Why would she think you were kissing Nathan?" he asks me.
I clear my throat. "I can explain." Roxanne is still standing over us, a wicked smirk painted on her face. "Do you mind?"
Ignoring me, Roxanne holds out her hand. "I'm Roxanne."
"I'm Avi," he tells her in his slow, sexy Israeli accent as he shakes her hand. I swear she turns her hand as if she expects him to kiss the back of it. "I'm Amy's boyfriend from Israel."
Roxanne bursts out laughing. "Oh, I heard about you. So glad you and Amy decided to see other people. You're such an understanding guy."
When he releases her hand, I wave my fingers at her and say, "Shoo, go away." She's like an annoying gnat that I wish I could squash.
Roxanne moves away when Kyle walks in the room with a bottle of champagne.
"Did you kiss Nathan?" Avi asks.
Umm..."No. Roxanne is the enemy, Avi. Don't listen to her. She just likes spreading lies about me."
He stands (I have to pretend not to have fallen off his lap) and walks over to Roxanne. She cocks her head to the side and says, "Wanna play Spin the Bottle? You can, you know, switch partners. Amy likes switching partners, right?"