How to Ruin Your Boyfriend's Reputation
Page 15

"You're thorry? Amy, thath's the lasth thime I'm pinthing your assth."
"Stop talking, Nathan. Your throat might swell up so bad it'll stop the oxygen."
Nathan opens his mouth wide and breathes in and out, proving his throat is letting enough air through.
"Close your mouth, Nathan," Tori says. "You look like a damn fish gasping for air, you dork."
"Uthually I'm thexy," Nathan tells her, then nudges me to intervene.
"The sexiest," I agree, but I don't think Tori is buying it.
Noah leads Nathan, who's now screaming unintelligible obscenities, all the way to the infirmary. Great. Now I've ruined my fake boyfriend's reputation, too.
Tori finishes the task of piling plastic coffee mugs on a tray.
"Hey, Tori. I thought you said these were worker bees that don't sting," I say to her.
"I didn't say they won't sting if you eat them," she responds, then walks back out into the dining area with the tray of coffee mugs.
I follow her with a tray of jam-filled bowls. "It's too bad my boyfriend won't be able to kiss me because of his bee sting."
"Your problem, not mine," she says, attitude dripping from each word.
I set two bowls on each table, wondering how I'm going to make her go out with Nathan after we "break up" and I'm supposedly devastated. "Who do you like?"
"As if I'm gonna tell you."
Seriously, this girl is so one-dimensional you'd think when she turns sideways she'd be as flat as a piece of paper. She belongs on another planet. "You know, it wouldn't hurt if you acted a little nicer."
"Why should I? Acting nice didn't get me anywhere. It sure didn't keep my parents together, that's for sure."
"Are they divorced?"
"That's none of your business. Just leave me alone."
I'm shocked. Tori actually opened up to me. The good part is that I now know what her deal is. She's not mad at me, per se. Okay, so I'm sure I annoy her 10 percent of the time. But the real issue behind her pissy face and bitchy attitude is a daughter who wants her parents to get together and doesn't see it happening any time soon.
"Not that you care, but I know how you feel," I tell her.
"I doubt it. Are your parents divorced?"
"No, worse. My parents were never married. How would you like growing up knowing you were the result of a one-night stand? That's my reality. And no matter how much attitude I have, that will never change."
"But you have friends. I have nobody."
"If you'd act a little nicer maybe we could be friends. If you stop calling me a spaz every two minutes, that might be a start."
""What makes you think even if I wanted a friend, I'd pick you? Besides, you are a spaz." Tori tosses her hair with a flick of her wrist, showing me a flash of dark hair underneath her blond locks, and stomps back to the kitchen.
She ignores me the rest of the time as she busies herself with one task or another. I guess now is not the time to become buddy-buddy with her, especially when she's in charge of the hot coffee. It's not a level playing field.
Avi walks in the door and I almost drop a bowl of jam. I wish I could forget the long talks we'd have on the phone when he was on military leave. Or that his hands are strong enough to dig ditches in record time and gentle enough to caress my skin and make me beg for more.
"Where's Noah?" he asks in a businesslike tone, as if I'm someone he just met.
"He took Nathan to the infirmary," I answer back, just as businesslike.
"Why?"
"Nathan kind of ate a live bee."
"Kind of? How does someone kind of cat a bee?"
"It's a long story," I say, not wanting to get into it.
Tori appears by Avi s side. "He licked it off her. You know, with his tongue." As if Avi cant get the visual, Tori sticks her tongue out and wiggles it up and down.
So much for the conversation staying businesslike. I have a vindictive urge to pull her tongue until it comes out of her mouth.
Avi looks as if he's about to be ill. "I get the picture. No need to demonstrate."
Avi and I meet up again at the tray full of bread baskets. I figure I need to explain, so I tap him on the arm. "When his dark gaze meets mine, I step back. I can't think straight when I'm looking directly into his eyes.
"Um, yeah. The way Tori told you what happened isn't really how it went down."
"I don't need details."
"But I want to explain." I pretend to be busy picking up baskets of bread to set on the tables as I talk, sparing myself from looking directly at him. "So, um, there were bees stuck in the jam. And when Nathan pinched my butt by accident, I twirled around and jam landed on my sleeve. He licked it off, not knowing there was a bee stuck in it."
"He didn't do anything by accident, Amy. Tell Nathan to keep his hands off your tachat. And while he's at it, tell him to keep his tongue away from you, too."
"You jealous?"
"Why should I be? I have Liron, right?"
"Right. And I have Nathan, right?"
He shrugs. "I don't know, you tell me. You've obviously had his tongue down your throat multiple times."
Oh, that was low. How dare he turn this around and make me the bad person, when he's probably been playing "battling tongues" with Liron! "Yeah, well, he might be tongue-challenged at the moment, but normally he's the best." I emphasize the last two words for effect. If Avis tight, white knuckles are any indication, I think I've accomplished my goal.
"Amy?" He says, his voice laced with frustration.
I cross my arms on my chest (actually under my chest, because my boobs are so big). "What?" I know we're about to have it out, right here in the middle of the IDF cafeteria.
The door between the kitchen and dining area opens. It's Jess and Ethan, bringing out the baskets of bread. Both stop in their tracks, obviously sensing the massive amount of tension in the room.
"Everything okay in here?" Jess asks.
I narrow my eyes at Avi. "It's all peachy. Avi and I were just discussing the art of a good kiss."
"While that might be fascinating at another time, we have baskets of bread we need to put out. Help us," Jess says.
I see something, out of the corner of my eye, on one of the pieces of bread in the basket Jess is holding. "There are a couple of ants crawling on the bread."
Jess shrugs. "Noah said to consider them spices."
Chapter 15
Insects, whether they're bees or ants, should not be eaten alive.
Breakfast is half over when Nathan reappears.
"How's your tongue?" Miranda asks once he reaches our table.
Nathan shrugs. Noah is standing behind him. "He says it hurts to talk. The nurse told him the swelling should go down in a few hours."
"That's what you get for pinching my butt. God was punishing you."
He gives me the finger as he takes a seat beside me.
"God's gonna punish you for that, too."
Across the table, Miranda slams down her cup of milk. It splashes all over her uniform, but I don't think she notices.
"Amy, leave him alone. Don't you think he's dealing with enough without you making him feel worse?"
"I was just kidding, Miranda."
"Yeah, well..." Miranda looks around, realizing she's causing a scene. Miranda's not used to creating drama. Her voice shakes as she says, "Maybe Nathan doesn't know you're kidding."
"Nathan and I joke around all the time. We always do."
Nathan puts his arm around me, nods, and smiles.
"Oh," Miranda says, slowly sitting back down. She doesn't look up until we're done eating and dismissed from breakfast.
On the way back to the barracks, I catch up to Miranda. "I know why you're pissed with me. You have the hots for Nathan."
She glances sideways at me. "So?"
Wow, I'm right. I mean, I got the idea when she went all ballistic on me, milk splattered on her face during breakfast. But I still can't believe it.
"I'm not really dating him, you know."
Miranda stops and turns to me. "Then who are you dating, Amy? Because you seem to be dating guys you hate, and hating guys you date, and hating girls who like the guys you date, or hate, and--"
My brain is on overload. "You lost me. I'm confused."
"That makes two of us." She stomps away from me.
I hurry to catch up. "What do you want me to do? I hate you being mad at me."
"I don't know. I have no claim to Nathan. He doesn't even like me."
"Are you double-jointed?"
"What?"
"Are you double-jointed?"
"No. In case you haven't noticed, I'm fat and had to step on people's backs in order to complete the monkey bars at the obstacle course."
"So did I. And you're not fat, Miranda."
She picks up her shirt and grabs her bulging stomach. "What do you call this?" To be honest, I've seen people way bigger.
Umm... Umm... "I call it extra.'"
"Extra what?"
Oh, I hate being put in a corner I can't get out of gracefully. "Just extra'."
She pulls her shirt down. "Well, I call it fat. Nathan isn't going to like me. Did you see his last girlfriend, Bicky? She was rail thin."
"Miranda, she was a druggie. That kind of thin is not attractive."
"Neither is this extra thirty pounds I carry around. And no matter how much I try to get rid of it, I cant. Because I crave sweets, and once I start eating I can't stop. Do you know what it's like not to be able to stop doing something you know isn't good for you?"
"Sure I do."
She puts her hand on her hip, totally unconvinced.
"Well, I know I do and say things that hurt other people," I tell her. "I can't stop it sometimes. It's a protective thing. You know, so I hurt people before they have a chance to hurt me. Don't let anyone else know, but I've got issues."
"Everybody has issues, Amy." She sighs.
I guess she's right. Tori has issues from her parents' divorce, Miranda has weight/image issues, I have emotional protection/ego issues, Jess has hypochondriac issues...
Is anyone human actually normal?
I'm beginning to think being normal is actually abnormal.
Chapter 16
Zits are God's way of making sure we know we're only human and far from perfect.
I'd just like him to remind me a little less often.
Looking at my face in the bathroom mirror the next morning, I'm horrified. I stare at the small zit I noticed last night after I took a shower. The small red bump appeared above my left eyebrow. It's not small anymore.
Jessica is brushing her teeth at the sink next to me. "Don't touch it," she says as she wipes her mouth with a towel and places her toothbrush in a plastic tube she brought from home. "If you do, it'll just get worse and take longer to go away. Use cover-up and forget about it. Give it two or three days, and it'll be gone."
She walks out of the bathroom and I take another look in the mirror. Two or three days? Ugh. I tentatively touch it. It hurts. And it's so big it deserves its own name.
George the Zit.
George is being stubborn. "Well, I'm stubborn too. I don't listen to Jess and I try and get rid of George myself by squeezing him away. But now George looks worse and has started to throb. It looks like a bright red radish has imbedded itself on my forehead.