How to Ruin Your Boyfriend's Reputation
Page 7

I'm mentally drained and want this day to end. Sergeant B-S disappears while Ronit and I walk to the barracks. When we get inside, I notice that everyone has two sets of military olive green uniforms lying on their bunk, matching floppy hats, and a canteen with a strap. Liron is passing out towels.
"Shower time," Ronit informs me. "Each of you has seven minutes to shower."
I stand next to my bunk and receive my towel. Quickly collecting my papaya-scented bath gel, my poofy sponge, my shampoo, conditioner, and other essentials, I follow everyone to the showers.
Thank goodness the showers are next to, not in, the same room as the stinky bathrooms. There are six curtained stalls on either side. "When it's our turn, I take the one next to Jessica.
The cement floor of the shower stall doesn't look blatantly dirty, but it's old and cracked. I can just imagine the amount of bacteria lurking on it, ready to attack bare skin and cause a foot fungus. Thank goodness for my shower shoes.
Foot fungus is not an option.
I hang my toiletries and PJs on the only hook in the stall. Getting undressed is not easy to do while you're wearing shower shoes. I balance on one foot as I slip out of my dirty shorts, but unfortunately my ballet skills aren't translating to shower balance.
Like a movie in slow motion, my naked body slips on the cement.
I make a huge noise that comes out as "Whoooaaa!" but it really sounds like that big ape-looking guy from Star Wars that Mitch made me watch when we dated. He made me come over to his house one Saturday and watch all six episodes. That's over twelve hours of movies in one day, if you include the deleted scenes. Once, in the middle of making out during Episode 5, Mitch asked if I wanted to see his Wookie. I sat up and slapped him. I mean, we'd only been going out for a few weeks and the thought of his "thingie" being a short, hairy thing grossed me out.
Mitch said later, after putting ice on his cheek to reduce the swelling from the hand-shaped red mark of my slap, that he only wanted to show me his set of Wookie figurines. As if.
"You okay?" I hear Jessica's voice echo in the other stall.
Okay, so now that I slipped/fell, I'm on all fours on the floor. I guarantee that no matter how fast I get up, the five-second rule doesn't count. I've for sure got things that grow in petri dishes on my hands, knees, and butt.
I turn the water on, refusing to be bacteria-ridden for even one more second. I'm ready to wash off the dirt and dust and bacteria and stress from my first day as an IDF trainee.
I stick my hand in the water to test the temperature. It's cold.
I turn the crank in the opposite direction, then test again.
It's still cold.
Maybe it needs time to warm up. So I wait a minute, then test again.
Still cold.
Now I'm starting to shiver, because I'm naked and the temperature has definitely dropped at least twenty degrees from this afternoon.
"Three more minutes!" Ronit yells from the door.
I pull the curtain aside and stick my head out. "Ronit, I think there's something wrong with my shower. There's no hot water."
"There's no hot water in mine either," Jessica cries out from her stall. "Brrr!"
"None of us have hot water," one of the girls from New York says as she gathers up her stuff and exits the shower. Seriously, she took an entire shower in less than four minutes ... how clean can she be?
Ronit chuckles and says with a big smile, "Welcome to the IDF! You have two minutes left!"
With that warning, I quickly dip into the cold water. Wet and freezing, I quickly lather my hair with shampoo and squirt liquid soap on my poofy sponge. My teeth chatter as I soap myself and quickly plunge under the sprinkling showerhead.
As I'm rinsing, Ronit yells out, "One minute!"
I have to admit, my bottles of shampoo and liquid soap are scattered at my feet. I'm not thinking about bacteria anymore. I'm thinking about my hair conditioner, and how crappy my hair is going to look if I don't put it on. On top of that, I think I just bit my tongue because of my chattering teeth.
Halfway through squirting conditioner on my hair, I hear Ronit give us a "thirty seconds!" warning.
Oh, crap.
I don't even have my conditioner spread, and already I have to rinse it off. Does Ronit know how much Aveda minty-smelling conditioner costs? Not that she would care, but still.
"Amy, come on," Jessica whispers to me. "You have, like, ten seconds. Are you done?"
I pull my dirty clothes off the hook to get to my PJs from behind them. Unfortunately, my PJs fall onto the wet ground because the hook is too small. Taking a deep breath and pulling on my yellow polka-dot pajama bottoms (now wet in spots) and matching yellow top, I grab everything and run out.
"Tomorrow you'll have to do ten pushups for each minute you're late," Ronit informs me.
While we walk back to our barracks, Jessica blows hot air on her hands. "I'm freezing."
My teeth are still chattering as I look down at my thin nightshirt. "I think I'm going to be permanently nippy." I can't help but notice, again, that I have the biggest boobs out of our entire unit by far. I got my blue eyes from my Israeli grandmother, my black curly hair from my father, and my huge saggy boobs from my mom. Okay, so they're not as saggy as my mom's are... she's pregnant.
Did I mention that soon I'm not going to be an only child anymore? Yep, my mom and stepdad Marc "with a c" decided to have a baby. So now I'm going to have a brother or sister young enough to be my kid.
Back in the barracks, I open my suitcase and slip a University of Illinois sweatshirt over my wet, shivering head. Then I open my makeup case and do my nightly routine: take residue makeup off, put toner and moisturizer on, then spritz refresher spray for that extra misty-sparkle to make my skin look radiant (I know I sound like a commercial, but I did model once and my mom is in the advertising business).
After flat-ironing my hair, I pull out my favorite pillow from home. It's completely encased in a hot pink silk pillowcase. I set it on my bed. One of the New York girls, Victoria (aka Vic), is on my top bunk. Vic climbs up and the springs squeak as her weight presses down on the thin mattress.
I look up at the exposed springs. I hadn't noticed them before, but now I see why Jessica (who shall now be deemed the "manipulative traitor") wanted to switch bunks with me. The small springs keeping the mattress (and Vic) from falling on my face are attached with an S-type looking metal thingy. The problem is that almost every other spring is broken, missing, or super worn-out.
I'm not the claustrophobic type normally, but watching the mattress sink lower every time Vic moves makes me nervous.
I mean, seriously, what if Vic overstresses the one spring that's keeping all the rest from snapping off. It's like the game Jenga or that ice-breaking game. One wrong move and it's all over--SPLAT!
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jess waving to get my attention. I narrow my eyes at my best friend. She puts her hand to her heart and mouths the word sorry, although she looks more amused than sorry. I think sometimes her brother Ben, aka the demon from hell (even though I'm Jewish and don't believe there's a hell), has rubbed off on her. One of his regular stunts is tossing chunks of challah bread across the Shabbat table with the purpose of getting one stuck in my cleavage. When he's successful, he grins and offers to take it out.
"Lights out in four minutes!" Ronit calls.
I wave to Miranda, who's on the bottom bunk two away from mine, across the aisle. I pull up my painfully thin blanket and try to get comfortable. It's not easy to relax with stretched-out springs squeaking overhead every time my bunkmate moves. I should watch all the food that goes into Vic's mouth during the next ten days. I can't risk her gaining weight while we're here, that's for sure... my life may depend on it.
Seriously, if the springs do give out in the middle of the night and she falls on me, will I suffocate and die? And if I do, will anyone care? Maybe I should sleep on my side, so if the springs collapse and the mattress and Vic fall on me, I might still have a little air pocket and live.
I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself tonight, but then I think of the Israeli soldiers who have to sleep on a bottom bunk staring up at missing and broken springs every night for years. I'm only here for a little over a week.
When Ronit flips off the lights, I turn on my side (partially because I like sleeping on my side) and think about Avi lying in his bunk.
Is he in pain from the pushups?
Is he lying on the top bunk, or bottom?
Is he thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him?
"When Avi stayed at my house back in January, he never wore a shirt to bed. I loved staring at his abs and biceps. I would kiss him good night and he'd flash me one of his rare smiles as he pulled me close (of course this was when my dad wasn't hawking us and ordering me back to my room).
I don't have my cell phone with me to listen to his old voicemail messages. He left them when we broke up during his visit and he was as desperate as I was to get back together. I know those messages by heart, and repeat them in my head...
Did I tell you your eyes remind me of blown glass? I can see your soul through those eyes, Amy. They get darker when you're trying to be sexy and they shine when you smile. And when you think you're in trouble you blink double the amount that you usually do. And when you're sad, the corners of your eyes turn down. I miss your eyes.
I want to say something to you. Not because I want you to say it back, either, (insert deep breath here) /... I love you. It's not that kind of conditional love... it's the kind that'll be around forever. Even if you don't call. Even if you like Nathan or any other guy. We can befriends. We can be more. Just... call me back.
Did I mention when I first met you I was so attracted to you it scared me? Me, scared. I still am when I'm around you, because now I want you in my life forever. How long is forever, Amy?"
I wish his arms were around me right now, assuring me that this is just another bump in the road of our rocky but passionate relationship.
I fall asleep, thinking of the day when Avi will hold me all night long without parental (or military) interference.
Chapter 10
Lack of sleep has many, many negative consequences.
I'm dreaming that someone is turning on the lights and yelling in my ear.
"You have seven minutes to be dressed and outside! Bring your canteens!"
No, this isn't a dream. It's a nightmare. And I'm living it.
"I'm tired, Ronit. I just got to sleep," I hear Tori moan.
Her complaint is met by a "Yala, zooz!"
I hear some of the other girls talking, but instead of waking me up, the sound lulls me back to sleep.
"Amy, wake up!" Miranda says, shaking me like I'm the lulav branch during Sukkot.
"I'm up," I murmur.
"No, you're not. Come on! The guys from our unit are already outside."
I pull my pink silky pillow over my head. "I'm taking a mental health day."
"There are no mental health days in the military. Avi's there, too," she whispers in my ear.
I jump out of bed and give myself a nasty head rush. I strip off my PJs, strap on a bra, and get in my military uniform (which consists of an olive green button-down shirt and matching pants). I toss the matching floppy hat into my cubby because there's no way I'm wearing it, and slip on my new red high-tops. Opening my makeup case, I know I only have time for minimal application.