I freeze-frame in behind her hard and fast, causing a wicked breeze in the subclub and nearly knocking the tray from her hands. She has to work hard to catch it. Almost doesnt. Ryodans not the only one that can screw with people and things.
Dont walk away from me. Im not done yet.
Yes, you are.
I hiss in her ear, Dont you get it? Dudes never going to love you. Hes not wired that way. Hes just using you and hes going to throw you away, and then there youre going to be like a dirty piece of toilet paper he doesnt want anymore.
She sucks in a breath and gives me a look over her shoulder that just fecking slays me.
I drown in instant self-hate for saying what I just said. And I hate him because I know its true. Jo will never be able to keep Ryodans interest. Shes too good. Clean and nice inside. She doesnt have an ounce of malice or deceit or unkind feelings or anything bad in her. Shes not complicated enough for him. Hes twisted like that. I chose the wrong person to chew out. I should have chosen him. Hes going to hurt her and Im never going to forgive him. So, here I am, hurting her first. Dude, stupid much?
Do you really think I dont know that? If we werent in Chesters, Im pretty sure the wet in her eyes would start to slide down her cheeks.
All the sudden Im miserable I said anything about any of it. I want to hug her. I want to run away. I dont want Jo to hurt. I should have kept my mouth shut. I cant keep my mouth shut. Grown-ups are so strange. But I dont understand! Then why? Why would you do something that you know is going to end up bad? Why would anyone ever do something they know is going to hurt them?
Youre too young to be talking about this kind of stuff.
Aw, cmon, Jo, its me. I was never young. Life didnt happen that way in my world. Tell me.
Its complicated.
Like everything isnt. Try.
She doesnt say anything so I just stand and wait. A long silence usually makes people fill it up with something.
It stretches. Finally she looks away like shes embarrassed and, so soft its almost like shes talking to herself, not me at all, she says, Every morning he comes to the top of the stairs and looks down over the club and he stands there, so big and powerful and beautiful and She swallows hard like her mouth just went totally dry. Sexy. God, so unbelievably sexy. Her eyes get a weird, intense look like shes remembering something, then she makes a soft noise and doesnt say anything for a second. And hes funny. Do you know hes funny? You must know that. You spend a lot of time with him.
I fist myhands. Sure I do. I didnt know she did. What do they do? Crack jokes with each other like Dancer and me?
Her expression is far off, seeing a memory. Every morning when the night shift ends, he singles out a woman in the crowd and he nods at her. She goes upstairs and when she eventually shows up in the club again she looks like She shivers like she just got goose bumps. And you wonder what he did that made her look like that. You watch her walking around, smiling, moving different than she moved before she went to him, and you know something happened up there that made her feel more alive than she ever felt before, that she got to be the way you hope youll get to be with a man, even if its just once in your life. A man has to see women a certain way for it to be that way. You try not to think about him, but it doesnt work. I swore if he ever gave me that nod, I wouldnt go.
Dude, wake-up call. You went.
I know.
Shes glowing again like she won some kind of prize instead of got picked by a class-A sociopath to be his disposable lube.
Why him? I dont understand and I want to. I dont want to feel like Jos a traitor. I lost Mac. I dont want to lose Jo, too. You know what hes like!
Hes not a bad man, Dani.
Bullshit.
Everything isnt black and white like you want it to be.
Some things are, and Ryodans blacker than black. Hes one of the bad guys, period, end of subject. Im pissed. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee burning before the whole fecking coffeemaker goes up in flames. And when he comes to those stairs tomorrow and chooses someone else? I say. Its only a matter of time, Jo. You know he will. Youll be standing here looking all dreamy like you do right now and itll be the waitress next to you that he chooses and youll never go upstairs again because a dude like that dont press the replay button. When hes done hes done. How are you going to feel then?
She turns away.
I go after her, grab her elbow, make her stop. Well? What do you think, Jo? That youre special? That youll be the one that changes him? Give me a fecking break! You think you and him are going to go pick out china patterns together? Register for flatware?
She inhales like she forgot to breathe, then when she remembered couldnt get air fast enough. I know what Im doing, Dani.
Good, then you can explain it to me! Cause it sure looks like every shade of stupid from where Im standing!
Shes distant again, talking soft, like Im not even here. Even with my superhearing I lean in to catch it.
Dont walk away from me. Im not done yet.
Yes, you are.
I hiss in her ear, Dont you get it? Dudes never going to love you. Hes not wired that way. Hes just using you and hes going to throw you away, and then there youre going to be like a dirty piece of toilet paper he doesnt want anymore.
She sucks in a breath and gives me a look over her shoulder that just fecking slays me.
I drown in instant self-hate for saying what I just said. And I hate him because I know its true. Jo will never be able to keep Ryodans interest. Shes too good. Clean and nice inside. She doesnt have an ounce of malice or deceit or unkind feelings or anything bad in her. Shes not complicated enough for him. Hes twisted like that. I chose the wrong person to chew out. I should have chosen him. Hes going to hurt her and Im never going to forgive him. So, here I am, hurting her first. Dude, stupid much?
Do you really think I dont know that? If we werent in Chesters, Im pretty sure the wet in her eyes would start to slide down her cheeks.
All the sudden Im miserable I said anything about any of it. I want to hug her. I want to run away. I dont want Jo to hurt. I should have kept my mouth shut. I cant keep my mouth shut. Grown-ups are so strange. But I dont understand! Then why? Why would you do something that you know is going to end up bad? Why would anyone ever do something they know is going to hurt them?
Youre too young to be talking about this kind of stuff.
Aw, cmon, Jo, its me. I was never young. Life didnt happen that way in my world. Tell me.
Its complicated.
Like everything isnt. Try.
She doesnt say anything so I just stand and wait. A long silence usually makes people fill it up with something.
It stretches. Finally she looks away like shes embarrassed and, so soft its almost like shes talking to herself, not me at all, she says, Every morning he comes to the top of the stairs and looks down over the club and he stands there, so big and powerful and beautiful and She swallows hard like her mouth just went totally dry. Sexy. God, so unbelievably sexy. Her eyes get a weird, intense look like shes remembering something, then she makes a soft noise and doesnt say anything for a second. And hes funny. Do you know hes funny? You must know that. You spend a lot of time with him.
I fist myhands. Sure I do. I didnt know she did. What do they do? Crack jokes with each other like Dancer and me?
Her expression is far off, seeing a memory. Every morning when the night shift ends, he singles out a woman in the crowd and he nods at her. She goes upstairs and when she eventually shows up in the club again she looks like She shivers like she just got goose bumps. And you wonder what he did that made her look like that. You watch her walking around, smiling, moving different than she moved before she went to him, and you know something happened up there that made her feel more alive than she ever felt before, that she got to be the way you hope youll get to be with a man, even if its just once in your life. A man has to see women a certain way for it to be that way. You try not to think about him, but it doesnt work. I swore if he ever gave me that nod, I wouldnt go.
Dude, wake-up call. You went.
I know.
Shes glowing again like she won some kind of prize instead of got picked by a class-A sociopath to be his disposable lube.
Why him? I dont understand and I want to. I dont want to feel like Jos a traitor. I lost Mac. I dont want to lose Jo, too. You know what hes like!
Hes not a bad man, Dani.
Bullshit.
Everything isnt black and white like you want it to be.
Some things are, and Ryodans blacker than black. Hes one of the bad guys, period, end of subject. Im pissed. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee burning before the whole fecking coffeemaker goes up in flames. And when he comes to those stairs tomorrow and chooses someone else? I say. Its only a matter of time, Jo. You know he will. Youll be standing here looking all dreamy like you do right now and itll be the waitress next to you that he chooses and youll never go upstairs again because a dude like that dont press the replay button. When hes done hes done. How are you going to feel then?
She turns away.
I go after her, grab her elbow, make her stop. Well? What do you think, Jo? That youre special? That youll be the one that changes him? Give me a fecking break! You think you and him are going to go pick out china patterns together? Register for flatware?
She inhales like she forgot to breathe, then when she remembered couldnt get air fast enough. I know what Im doing, Dani.
Good, then you can explain it to me! Cause it sure looks like every shade of stupid from where Im standing!
Shes distant again, talking soft, like Im not even here. Even with my superhearing I lean in to catch it.
