Nononono, you cant talk because youre not here, and I cant see you, and I cant hear you, cause if I can then Im crazy, but Im not crazy. Right? he demanded, looking at that same spot again. Whatever he heard must have made him happy because he nodded decisively, then turned to stare down at his desktop.
And my heart broke for him.
Scott Carter and I had never been close. In fact, before too much frost had cracked his sanity, Id thought him shallow, rude, arrogant, spoiled and selfish. But hed been my boyfriends best friend and my cousins boyfriend, so our paths had crossed fairly often.
But now, watching him try to convince himself that I was no more real than whoever else he was seeing and hearing, it was hard to feel anything other than pity and sympathy for the boy whod been one-third of the social power trifecta at Eastlake High.
Im real, Scott. And Im really here.
He shook his head again and this time covered his ears with both hands, like a stubborn toddler. Thats exactly what a hallucination would say. You think Im gonna fall for that just because you look like Kaylee and sound like Kaylee? I see Kaylee Cavanaugh every day, and shes not real, and youre not real, either. Youre just another one of his tricks. So why are you talking?
What? He saw me every day?
I wasnt sure how to feel about being a regularly featured guest star in Scott Carters hallucinogenic existence. But it wasnt his fault. Because of their hardwired connection, Avari could make Scott see or hear whatever he wanted, and the more Scott suffered, the better Avari fed.
And considering how messed up Lakesides newest resident obviously was, the psychotic hellion bastard was probably glutted on his energy alone.
Shut up, Scott said to the wall. How can I freak her out if shes not really here? He moved one finger over the surface of his empty desk, like he was finger painting. Or trying to write something. And suddenly I realized why he had no pens, pencils, or anything else that could be used as a weaponhed tried to stab me the day he was arrested and he was later declared mentally incompetent. But surely theyd keep him somewhere elsesomewhere more secureif he was still considered dangerous. Would he try to hurt a hallucination?
Maybe I shouldnt have come without Tod.
I dont know why, he said without looking up, and I was starting to feel like a Peeping Tom, watching uninvited as he spoke to himself. Or Avari. Her cousins hotter, but its always Kaylee Cavanaugh. Scott stopped for a second, listening to something I couldnt hear, his fingertip still on the desktop. Then he shook his head. Nothin. She doesnt do a damn thing but stand there and watch me. Orshell sit on the toilet when I need to go. Or lie on the bed when Im tired, knowin Im not gonna lay down next to some ghost, or hallucination, or whatever the hell she is. Kept me up till three in the morning last time. But she never says a damn word. And suddenly he turned to me. Youre not supposed to talk!
I could only stare at him. I dont know what I expected, knowing some of what hed been through, but this wasnt it. And I didnt know what to say to him. So I started with the most basic question, and one he was probably tired of hearing. Scott? Are you okay? I asked, my palms pressed against the door at my back. I wished I could melt through it, like Tod could, then wander around, invisible, until he came back.
Im crazy, how do you think I am? Scott snapped. Were you this crazy when you were in here? Did I come and stare at you all day, watching you sleep, and eat, and piss?
I shook my head, and he stood, shoving his chair out with the backs of his legs.
No. Because that wouldnt make any sense, would it? So why the hell are you always here? Why does he put you here dayafterday? Because I couldnt take you to him? Thats it, right? He wanted you, and I couldnt deliver you, so now he rubs my face in you alldamnday. His words ended in a whimper, punctuated by three more blows to his own head, and when he came closer, fists still clenched, I inched away, desperately wishing Id stayed with Farrah.
Then he glanced at the wall again, and his eyes narrowed.
I cant hurt her. Shes not here. I stared at the wall, trying to see what he saw. Avari had messed with the shadows before, making Scott see and hear things in them, until hed started screaming and cowering away from at the slightest shade. But the only shadows here were beneath the bed and dresser. Just like in the hospital, the staff at Lakeside kept his room lit from all four corners to chase away as many shadows as possible. Just to keep him functional.
He was staring at the wall again, his head slightly tilted. Like he was listening. Why should he? Scott asked no one. He wants to know whats in it for him.
For who? I asked, and Scott glanced at me.
For Avari. Pay attention!
Crap! Did Avari know I was there? Could he see what Scott saw? Is that who Scott was talking to?
No, it couldnt be. He was talking about Avari. Or maybe for him. But who was he talking to? Or was he completely imagining the other half of the conversationnot beyond the realm of possibility for someone who regularly saw people who werent there.
Scott, I cant hear whatever youre hearing. I cant see your hallucinations.
And my heart broke for him.
Scott Carter and I had never been close. In fact, before too much frost had cracked his sanity, Id thought him shallow, rude, arrogant, spoiled and selfish. But hed been my boyfriends best friend and my cousins boyfriend, so our paths had crossed fairly often.
But now, watching him try to convince himself that I was no more real than whoever else he was seeing and hearing, it was hard to feel anything other than pity and sympathy for the boy whod been one-third of the social power trifecta at Eastlake High.
Im real, Scott. And Im really here.
He shook his head again and this time covered his ears with both hands, like a stubborn toddler. Thats exactly what a hallucination would say. You think Im gonna fall for that just because you look like Kaylee and sound like Kaylee? I see Kaylee Cavanaugh every day, and shes not real, and youre not real, either. Youre just another one of his tricks. So why are you talking?
What? He saw me every day?
I wasnt sure how to feel about being a regularly featured guest star in Scott Carters hallucinogenic existence. But it wasnt his fault. Because of their hardwired connection, Avari could make Scott see or hear whatever he wanted, and the more Scott suffered, the better Avari fed.
And considering how messed up Lakesides newest resident obviously was, the psychotic hellion bastard was probably glutted on his energy alone.
Shut up, Scott said to the wall. How can I freak her out if shes not really here? He moved one finger over the surface of his empty desk, like he was finger painting. Or trying to write something. And suddenly I realized why he had no pens, pencils, or anything else that could be used as a weaponhed tried to stab me the day he was arrested and he was later declared mentally incompetent. But surely theyd keep him somewhere elsesomewhere more secureif he was still considered dangerous. Would he try to hurt a hallucination?
Maybe I shouldnt have come without Tod.
I dont know why, he said without looking up, and I was starting to feel like a Peeping Tom, watching uninvited as he spoke to himself. Or Avari. Her cousins hotter, but its always Kaylee Cavanaugh. Scott stopped for a second, listening to something I couldnt hear, his fingertip still on the desktop. Then he shook his head. Nothin. She doesnt do a damn thing but stand there and watch me. Orshell sit on the toilet when I need to go. Or lie on the bed when Im tired, knowin Im not gonna lay down next to some ghost, or hallucination, or whatever the hell she is. Kept me up till three in the morning last time. But she never says a damn word. And suddenly he turned to me. Youre not supposed to talk!
I could only stare at him. I dont know what I expected, knowing some of what hed been through, but this wasnt it. And I didnt know what to say to him. So I started with the most basic question, and one he was probably tired of hearing. Scott? Are you okay? I asked, my palms pressed against the door at my back. I wished I could melt through it, like Tod could, then wander around, invisible, until he came back.
Im crazy, how do you think I am? Scott snapped. Were you this crazy when you were in here? Did I come and stare at you all day, watching you sleep, and eat, and piss?
I shook my head, and he stood, shoving his chair out with the backs of his legs.
No. Because that wouldnt make any sense, would it? So why the hell are you always here? Why does he put you here dayafterday? Because I couldnt take you to him? Thats it, right? He wanted you, and I couldnt deliver you, so now he rubs my face in you alldamnday. His words ended in a whimper, punctuated by three more blows to his own head, and when he came closer, fists still clenched, I inched away, desperately wishing Id stayed with Farrah.
Then he glanced at the wall again, and his eyes narrowed.
I cant hurt her. Shes not here. I stared at the wall, trying to see what he saw. Avari had messed with the shadows before, making Scott see and hear things in them, until hed started screaming and cowering away from at the slightest shade. But the only shadows here were beneath the bed and dresser. Just like in the hospital, the staff at Lakeside kept his room lit from all four corners to chase away as many shadows as possible. Just to keep him functional.
He was staring at the wall again, his head slightly tilted. Like he was listening. Why should he? Scott asked no one. He wants to know whats in it for him.
For who? I asked, and Scott glanced at me.
For Avari. Pay attention!
Crap! Did Avari know I was there? Could he see what Scott saw? Is that who Scott was talking to?
No, it couldnt be. He was talking about Avari. Or maybe for him. But who was he talking to? Or was he completely imagining the other half of the conversationnot beyond the realm of possibility for someone who regularly saw people who werent there.
Scott, I cant hear whatever youre hearing. I cant see your hallucinations.
