Should I admit that I mightmightlike Tod back, when that would wreck everything between me and Nash for no reason at all?
It would be different if I werent dying. If I was going to have a chance to decide how I felt and think about the long-term consequences. But since that wasnt going to happen
Nash, why would I be with you, if I liked him?
Instead of answering, Nash pulled me closer, staring into my eyes, and for a moment, panic consumed me. Then I swallowed my panic and steadied my breathing, focusing on how desperately I didnt want to hurt Nash.
So, were okay? he asked, and I realized Id controlled the telltale swirling in my eyes, possibly for the first time in my life.
Yes, were fine.
Well then, Nash said, brows arched in challenge, like he wasnt sure he completely believed me. I cant help noticing that were all alone here. He squeezed me tighter and whispered into my ear, though there was no one else to hear him. I say we go to your room and start granting wishes
A couple of hours earlier, I would have led him to my room with my head spinning, the rest of me on fire with anticipation. But now, it didnt feel right. Tod was rightI did want to sleep with Nash just to say Id done it. To know what it felt like. But Nash would think it meant more than that.
Lying to avoid hurting him felt bad enough, and I was only doing it because Id be gone in a few days, but Tod wouldnt, and three hundred years was a long time to hate your own brother.
But sleeping with Nash for the wrong reason was something else entirely. I couldnt use him like that. So I lied again.
Its been a really long day, and Im kind of starving. Why dont we order Chinese and watch a movie? Your choice.
Nash frowned. I thought you wanted to.
I did. I do. Justnot tonight. Not that there were many nights left, but Id deal with those as they came.
Are you still mad because I asked about Tod?
No. Nash, this has nothing to do with Tod, and Im not mad at you. Everythings fine. Surely the biggest lie Id ever told.
He looked unconvinced, but dropped a kiss on my forehead anyway and tried to hide his disappointment. You order the food, Ill find a movie. It doesnt matter what we do. Just being with you is enough for me.
My guilt was like the ocean, swallowing me whole.
When you were little, you used to call those pop hearts, my dad said, and I looked up from my blueberry toaster pastry to find him standing in the kitchen doorway.
Hey. Where were you last night? He looked like hell. Bloodshot eyes, darkcircles, pale skin.
Out looking for a miracle. My dad sighed and trudged toward the coffeepot.
Okay then, I said as he poured. Where were you all day yesterday? Mr. Ryan left a message on the machine. He says if you dont come in today, youre fired. Have you even been to work this week?
He took the first sip of black coffee without bothering to replace the pot. I have more important things to worry about right now, Kaylee. But the universe seems adamant that you are the only miracle Im going to get.
I nodded slowly, fighting to keep my eyes from watering. The universe is always right, Dad. Theres nothing you can do.
He just looked at me over his steaming mug, refusing to admit defeat. Then, finally, he sighed and leaned against the counter. You wanna skip school today and hang out? Just the two of us? Theres an Alien marathon on all day, all the way through Alien vs Predator: Requiem. We could order pizza and revel in the carnage.
I wanted to cry. He wouldnt admit he couldnt save me, but an offer to play hooky for father-daughter time spoke volumes. And I really wanted to say yes. To stay in my pjs and watch TV with my dad all day, for the last time in my life. But Cant, I said around the last bite of blueberry filling. You have to go to work. And I had to go to school and plot the destruction of a Netherworld monster posing as my math teacher.
Tonight, then? He tried to hide his disappointment, but the rare swirl of color in his eyes spoke the truth. I can set it to record.
No you cant. Wed had the DVR on the living room TV for a month, and he still hadnt figured out how to change the channel. But I can. Come home with pizza, and Im all yours. I wouldnt be doing any more homework anyway. For the rest of my life.
Deal. My father smiled and looked a little less than exhausted for a couple of seconds. But then he sipped from his mug again and I could see how tired he was and how hard the past few days had been for him, and for the first time, it occurred to me that I may have gotten the good end of the deal. In a couple of days, my troubles would be over. But my dad would have to live with my deathwith failing to save mefor the rest of his life.
I started to say something elseto try to put into words how much I loved himbut the doorbell rang before I could come up with the first word.
My dad frowned, his mouth already open to ask who was at the door, but I jogged past him to open it before he could speak. Nash and Sabine stood on the front porch, her car parked at the curb. I stepped back to let them in while my dad poured the rest of his coffee into a travel mug.
It would be different if I werent dying. If I was going to have a chance to decide how I felt and think about the long-term consequences. But since that wasnt going to happen
Nash, why would I be with you, if I liked him?
Instead of answering, Nash pulled me closer, staring into my eyes, and for a moment, panic consumed me. Then I swallowed my panic and steadied my breathing, focusing on how desperately I didnt want to hurt Nash.
So, were okay? he asked, and I realized Id controlled the telltale swirling in my eyes, possibly for the first time in my life.
Yes, were fine.
Well then, Nash said, brows arched in challenge, like he wasnt sure he completely believed me. I cant help noticing that were all alone here. He squeezed me tighter and whispered into my ear, though there was no one else to hear him. I say we go to your room and start granting wishes
A couple of hours earlier, I would have led him to my room with my head spinning, the rest of me on fire with anticipation. But now, it didnt feel right. Tod was rightI did want to sleep with Nash just to say Id done it. To know what it felt like. But Nash would think it meant more than that.
Lying to avoid hurting him felt bad enough, and I was only doing it because Id be gone in a few days, but Tod wouldnt, and three hundred years was a long time to hate your own brother.
But sleeping with Nash for the wrong reason was something else entirely. I couldnt use him like that. So I lied again.
Its been a really long day, and Im kind of starving. Why dont we order Chinese and watch a movie? Your choice.
Nash frowned. I thought you wanted to.
I did. I do. Justnot tonight. Not that there were many nights left, but Id deal with those as they came.
Are you still mad because I asked about Tod?
No. Nash, this has nothing to do with Tod, and Im not mad at you. Everythings fine. Surely the biggest lie Id ever told.
He looked unconvinced, but dropped a kiss on my forehead anyway and tried to hide his disappointment. You order the food, Ill find a movie. It doesnt matter what we do. Just being with you is enough for me.
My guilt was like the ocean, swallowing me whole.
When you were little, you used to call those pop hearts, my dad said, and I looked up from my blueberry toaster pastry to find him standing in the kitchen doorway.
Hey. Where were you last night? He looked like hell. Bloodshot eyes, darkcircles, pale skin.
Out looking for a miracle. My dad sighed and trudged toward the coffeepot.
Okay then, I said as he poured. Where were you all day yesterday? Mr. Ryan left a message on the machine. He says if you dont come in today, youre fired. Have you even been to work this week?
He took the first sip of black coffee without bothering to replace the pot. I have more important things to worry about right now, Kaylee. But the universe seems adamant that you are the only miracle Im going to get.
I nodded slowly, fighting to keep my eyes from watering. The universe is always right, Dad. Theres nothing you can do.
He just looked at me over his steaming mug, refusing to admit defeat. Then, finally, he sighed and leaned against the counter. You wanna skip school today and hang out? Just the two of us? Theres an Alien marathon on all day, all the way through Alien vs Predator: Requiem. We could order pizza and revel in the carnage.
I wanted to cry. He wouldnt admit he couldnt save me, but an offer to play hooky for father-daughter time spoke volumes. And I really wanted to say yes. To stay in my pjs and watch TV with my dad all day, for the last time in my life. But Cant, I said around the last bite of blueberry filling. You have to go to work. And I had to go to school and plot the destruction of a Netherworld monster posing as my math teacher.
Tonight, then? He tried to hide his disappointment, but the rare swirl of color in his eyes spoke the truth. I can set it to record.
No you cant. Wed had the DVR on the living room TV for a month, and he still hadnt figured out how to change the channel. But I can. Come home with pizza, and Im all yours. I wouldnt be doing any more homework anyway. For the rest of my life.
Deal. My father smiled and looked a little less than exhausted for a couple of seconds. But then he sipped from his mug again and I could see how tired he was and how hard the past few days had been for him, and for the first time, it occurred to me that I may have gotten the good end of the deal. In a couple of days, my troubles would be over. But my dad would have to live with my deathwith failing to save mefor the rest of his life.
I started to say something elseto try to put into words how much I loved himbut the doorbell rang before I could come up with the first word.
My dad frowned, his mouth already open to ask who was at the door, but I jogged past him to open it before he could speak. Nash and Sabine stood on the front porch, her car parked at the curb. I stepped back to let them in while my dad poured the rest of his coffee into a travel mug.
