Then I kissed Tod.
15
Tods arms slid around me like they were always meant to be there, and that sense of belonging was so strong that it took me a second to realize what I was doing. And to remember I wasnt supposed to be doing it.
I stepped back and stared up at him, and one hand went to my mouth automatically, like covering it up would erase what Id just done.
Im so sorry I took another step back, drowning in confusion and guilt, and in the giddy, reckless joy that threatened to overwhelm them both, in spite of my best effort to deny it. I shouldnt have done that.
What the hell am I doing? And why didnt it feel wrong? Vaguely I was aware that we were both fully visible, in the middle of the school, and those were just two of the many problems with what had just happened.
Did you mean it? His eyes churned urgently now, a collision of hunger and uncertainty. Was that real, or were you just granting my last wish?
That was your last wish? A kiss? Most guys would have wished formore.
I could have kissed you months ago, but it wouldnt have meant anything. I wished for you to see me. And want me. Sodid you mean it? Fragile hope peeked out at me from behind the smug self-assurance I now recognized as his mask. As armor, against a world that no longer claimed or understood him, and suddenly I realized he wasnt breathing. He was just waiting. For me.
Yes, I said, and some unnamed tension inside me eased. I see you, Tod.
And in that moment, I saw nothing else in the world.
Tod kissed me, and I fell into that kiss like Alice into Wonderland, headfirst and flailing, heart pounding the whole time. The world spun around me and still I fell, and I only crashed down to earth again when someone called my name.
Kaylee? Nash said, and I jerked away from Tod so fast I nearly tripped over the rubber gloves at my feet.
Nash stood at the end of the hall with Sabine, his phone in hand, like he was about to dial. Or like he just had. And before I could even complete that thought, my phone buzzed with a text message, probably a check-in from Nash, whod thought I was watching Emma and Beck.
Shit! Emma!
Nash stared at me, his expression cycling through pain and anger so fast I could see the tempest churning in his eyes from down the hall. You said you werent You said there was nothing Then he stopped, like the words had gotten tangled up in his mouth, and he couldnt spit them out straight.
There wasnt, I said, struggling for a deep breath against the tightening in my chest. It just happened. Im so sorry. Tod had risked his afterlife to give me peace, and suddenly I saw what had been there all along. But the timing could not have been worse.
I told you hed do this. Nash turned his fury on Tod.How could you do this? he shouted, storming toward us without waiting for an answer, and a door squealed open around the corner as some after-school club heard the very public fallout of my not-so-private life.
I stepped into his path, trying to hold him back from Tod with both hands on his chest. But Nash just kept coming, and I had to walk backward with him.
Sabine, a little help? I called over his shoulder, but she only crossed her arms.
Nah, I think Im gonna sit this one out. Blatant satisfaction glittered in her black eyes, like shed known about Tod the whole time. Like shed been waiting for this.
Nash, please calm down, I begged softly, mortified to realize the Mathletes could hear us now. They wouldnt know exactly what had happened, or who Tod was, but rumors would fly the next dayWednesday. Not that it would matter. With any luck, by Thursday my death would eclipse even the worst of the gossip. Lets go outside and talk.
Its okay, Kaylee, Tod said from behind me, and I could hear the strain in his voice. You can let him go. He has a right to be mad.
Nash finally stopped trying to push past me and glared at his brother over my head. Dont tell me what I have a right to feel. And dont talk to her like she should listen to you. You dont get to talk to her, and you damn sure dont get to kiss my girlfriend!
My cheeks burned. So much for no one knowing what had happened
Nash I said again, trying to get his attention. We didnt plan this.
You might not have, but he did, Nash whispered fiercely through clenched teeth, either because hed realized people were listening, or because he couldnt manage any more volume. He hates me, because I lived and he died.
You dont know what youre talking about, Tod said softly behind me, and I turned to look at him, drawn by the complex threads of emotion woven through his voice. Id seen Tod mad, and Id recently started seeing something else when he looked at me. But this was neither of those. Or maybe it was both. It was guilt, and loyalty, and anger, and fierce, protective love, all so tangled up I couldnt tell them apart, and I doubted he could, either.
Tod was wrestling with more human emotion than Id ever seen from him or any other reaper, and for one horrifying moment, I was afraid that it was too much for him. That after only two years dead, hed lost the ability to process so much at once.
I wasnt sure I could process it all.
The hell I dont! Nash shouted, and my focus volleyed between them. And vaguely I was aware of the spectators inching closer, trying to hear. Youre trying to take Kaylee so Ill be as miserable as you are.
15
Tods arms slid around me like they were always meant to be there, and that sense of belonging was so strong that it took me a second to realize what I was doing. And to remember I wasnt supposed to be doing it.
I stepped back and stared up at him, and one hand went to my mouth automatically, like covering it up would erase what Id just done.
Im so sorry I took another step back, drowning in confusion and guilt, and in the giddy, reckless joy that threatened to overwhelm them both, in spite of my best effort to deny it. I shouldnt have done that.
What the hell am I doing? And why didnt it feel wrong? Vaguely I was aware that we were both fully visible, in the middle of the school, and those were just two of the many problems with what had just happened.
Did you mean it? His eyes churned urgently now, a collision of hunger and uncertainty. Was that real, or were you just granting my last wish?
That was your last wish? A kiss? Most guys would have wished formore.
I could have kissed you months ago, but it wouldnt have meant anything. I wished for you to see me. And want me. Sodid you mean it? Fragile hope peeked out at me from behind the smug self-assurance I now recognized as his mask. As armor, against a world that no longer claimed or understood him, and suddenly I realized he wasnt breathing. He was just waiting. For me.
Yes, I said, and some unnamed tension inside me eased. I see you, Tod.
And in that moment, I saw nothing else in the world.
Tod kissed me, and I fell into that kiss like Alice into Wonderland, headfirst and flailing, heart pounding the whole time. The world spun around me and still I fell, and I only crashed down to earth again when someone called my name.
Kaylee? Nash said, and I jerked away from Tod so fast I nearly tripped over the rubber gloves at my feet.
Nash stood at the end of the hall with Sabine, his phone in hand, like he was about to dial. Or like he just had. And before I could even complete that thought, my phone buzzed with a text message, probably a check-in from Nash, whod thought I was watching Emma and Beck.
Shit! Emma!
Nash stared at me, his expression cycling through pain and anger so fast I could see the tempest churning in his eyes from down the hall. You said you werent You said there was nothing Then he stopped, like the words had gotten tangled up in his mouth, and he couldnt spit them out straight.
There wasnt, I said, struggling for a deep breath against the tightening in my chest. It just happened. Im so sorry. Tod had risked his afterlife to give me peace, and suddenly I saw what had been there all along. But the timing could not have been worse.
I told you hed do this. Nash turned his fury on Tod.How could you do this? he shouted, storming toward us without waiting for an answer, and a door squealed open around the corner as some after-school club heard the very public fallout of my not-so-private life.
I stepped into his path, trying to hold him back from Tod with both hands on his chest. But Nash just kept coming, and I had to walk backward with him.
Sabine, a little help? I called over his shoulder, but she only crossed her arms.
Nah, I think Im gonna sit this one out. Blatant satisfaction glittered in her black eyes, like shed known about Tod the whole time. Like shed been waiting for this.
Nash, please calm down, I begged softly, mortified to realize the Mathletes could hear us now. They wouldnt know exactly what had happened, or who Tod was, but rumors would fly the next dayWednesday. Not that it would matter. With any luck, by Thursday my death would eclipse even the worst of the gossip. Lets go outside and talk.
Its okay, Kaylee, Tod said from behind me, and I could hear the strain in his voice. You can let him go. He has a right to be mad.
Nash finally stopped trying to push past me and glared at his brother over my head. Dont tell me what I have a right to feel. And dont talk to her like she should listen to you. You dont get to talk to her, and you damn sure dont get to kiss my girlfriend!
My cheeks burned. So much for no one knowing what had happened
Nash I said again, trying to get his attention. We didnt plan this.
You might not have, but he did, Nash whispered fiercely through clenched teeth, either because hed realized people were listening, or because he couldnt manage any more volume. He hates me, because I lived and he died.
You dont know what youre talking about, Tod said softly behind me, and I turned to look at him, drawn by the complex threads of emotion woven through his voice. Id seen Tod mad, and Id recently started seeing something else when he looked at me. But this was neither of those. Or maybe it was both. It was guilt, and loyalty, and anger, and fierce, protective love, all so tangled up I couldnt tell them apart, and I doubted he could, either.
Tod was wrestling with more human emotion than Id ever seen from him or any other reaper, and for one horrifying moment, I was afraid that it was too much for him. That after only two years dead, hed lost the ability to process so much at once.
I wasnt sure I could process it all.
The hell I dont! Nash shouted, and my focus volleyed between them. And vaguely I was aware of the spectators inching closer, trying to hear. Youre trying to take Kaylee so Ill be as miserable as you are.
