After all, what was the worst that could happen? Id babble like an idiot and get tossed out of her room? The embarrassment could only last six days, max, and after that, nothing would matter anyway.
The hospital room smelled sterile and felt cold, and it was lit only by a horizontal strip of light over the head of the bed. Danica was asleep on her right side, facing me. She looked pale and small beneath the thin covers. Too young to have been a mother. Not that that mattered now.
I watched her sleep for several minutes, thinking about how very different our lives must be. Shed obviously done at least one thing I hadnt, and that had led to pregnancyanother experience I would never haveand to a loss I could never personally understand.
But Danica would live. If she wanted another baby, shed have time for that, whenever she was ready.
I would not. I wouldnt have time for anything. No more firsts, and only one more last. My time was up.
What the hell am I doing here? I couldnt help Danica. It was none of my business who her babys father was, even if he was a teacher, on the odd chance that Sabine was right. Even if that teacher wasnt human. I was just using Danica and her problems to distract myself from my own, and that wasnt fair for either of us.
Half ashamed of myself and half irrationally irritated, I had one hand on the door handle when the bed creaked behind me.
Youre not a nurse.
I turned slowly, suddenly nervous. I had no idea what to say to her. How to explain my presence. We werent friends. I didnt have any similar personal experience or wisdom to share with her. I was just snooping. And now Id been caught.
Kaylee Cavanaugh? Danica squinted into the shadows beyond her bed, and I nodded.
Yeah. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I wasvisiting a friend. Then I remembered you were here, and thought you might like some company.
She didnt smile and wave me over. But she didnt yell for security, either. Isnt it kinda late for visitors?
I shrugged and came forward slowly, my hands in my pockets. Yeah, but I can hang till I get caught, if you want.
Danica stared at the hands she was twisting together, and I knew she was going to tell me to get lost. But then she looked up, and there were tears standing in her eyes, and I realized that maybe her problems were as rough as mine. Maybe even rougherafter all, mine would soon be over. Thatd be cool. If you want.
I sat in the armchair by the window, and we avoided looking at each other, neither of us sure what to say. But finally Danica sighed and pressed the button to raise the back of her bed, then she leaned against the pillow and rolled her head to face me. So, I guesseveryones talking about what happened?
Well, its probably safe to say that the girls quarter-final basketball loss is no longer big news.
Danica nodded slowly. What are they saying?
The most extreme theory Ive heard so far is that youre dying of colon cancer. Another shrug. But most people think you had a miscarriage. Which I knew for sure.
Danica rubbed tears from her eyes with the heels of both hands. Everythings so messed up.
Messed up seems to be my natural state of being. But if it makes you feel any better, Max has your back. Hes telling everyone you couldnt be pregnant, cause you guys never I let my words trail off toward the obvious conclusion, and Danicas eyes overflowed again.
I felt bad about manipulating her. I really did. But I couldnt tell her I knew the rumors were true, because shed ask how I knew. So I needed her to tell me herself.
Yeah. Max doesnt have my back anymore, she sniffled. He came to see me after school, and I had to tell him the truth. Another sniffle, and this time she reached for a tissue from the rolling tray table.
The truth? I held my breath. She wouldnt tell me. I mean, I wouldnt tell me, if I were Danica. She didnt owe me any answers.
I was pregnant. But it wasnt his.
I actually glanced around the room in surprise, looking for evidence of medical malpractice in the form of unregulated, judgment-impairing pain medication. But then I saw her watching me, looking for something in my expression, and I realized that she wasnt overmedicated. She just needed a friend.
Wow. And suddenly I felt guilty for pumping her for information just to distract myself from my own encroaching expiration date, when all she wanted was a friendly ear. Sohowd he take it?
I can do this. It didnt have to be either-or, right? I could listen like a friend and still dig for answers likeuman ill-fated amateur detective trying to solve one last case before she kicks the proverbial bucket. Right?
Danica wadded her tissue in one hand, then dropped it onto her lap. At first he just looked at me, like he wasnt sure hed heard me right. Then he got this awful heartbroken look, like Id told him I murdered his puppy. Then he just turned around and walked right out the door without a word. She sighed and tossed the tissue toward the can, where it landed a foot and a half shy. The only visitor Ive had, until you, and he leaves hating me. But I guess I deserve that.
Her only visitor? Your parents didnt come?
The hospital room smelled sterile and felt cold, and it was lit only by a horizontal strip of light over the head of the bed. Danica was asleep on her right side, facing me. She looked pale and small beneath the thin covers. Too young to have been a mother. Not that that mattered now.
I watched her sleep for several minutes, thinking about how very different our lives must be. Shed obviously done at least one thing I hadnt, and that had led to pregnancyanother experience I would never haveand to a loss I could never personally understand.
But Danica would live. If she wanted another baby, shed have time for that, whenever she was ready.
I would not. I wouldnt have time for anything. No more firsts, and only one more last. My time was up.
What the hell am I doing here? I couldnt help Danica. It was none of my business who her babys father was, even if he was a teacher, on the odd chance that Sabine was right. Even if that teacher wasnt human. I was just using Danica and her problems to distract myself from my own, and that wasnt fair for either of us.
Half ashamed of myself and half irrationally irritated, I had one hand on the door handle when the bed creaked behind me.
Youre not a nurse.
I turned slowly, suddenly nervous. I had no idea what to say to her. How to explain my presence. We werent friends. I didnt have any similar personal experience or wisdom to share with her. I was just snooping. And now Id been caught.
Kaylee Cavanaugh? Danica squinted into the shadows beyond her bed, and I nodded.
Yeah. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I wasvisiting a friend. Then I remembered you were here, and thought you might like some company.
She didnt smile and wave me over. But she didnt yell for security, either. Isnt it kinda late for visitors?
I shrugged and came forward slowly, my hands in my pockets. Yeah, but I can hang till I get caught, if you want.
Danica stared at the hands she was twisting together, and I knew she was going to tell me to get lost. But then she looked up, and there were tears standing in her eyes, and I realized that maybe her problems were as rough as mine. Maybe even rougherafter all, mine would soon be over. Thatd be cool. If you want.
I sat in the armchair by the window, and we avoided looking at each other, neither of us sure what to say. But finally Danica sighed and pressed the button to raise the back of her bed, then she leaned against the pillow and rolled her head to face me. So, I guesseveryones talking about what happened?
Well, its probably safe to say that the girls quarter-final basketball loss is no longer big news.
Danica nodded slowly. What are they saying?
The most extreme theory Ive heard so far is that youre dying of colon cancer. Another shrug. But most people think you had a miscarriage. Which I knew for sure.
Danica rubbed tears from her eyes with the heels of both hands. Everythings so messed up.
Messed up seems to be my natural state of being. But if it makes you feel any better, Max has your back. Hes telling everyone you couldnt be pregnant, cause you guys never I let my words trail off toward the obvious conclusion, and Danicas eyes overflowed again.
I felt bad about manipulating her. I really did. But I couldnt tell her I knew the rumors were true, because shed ask how I knew. So I needed her to tell me herself.
Yeah. Max doesnt have my back anymore, she sniffled. He came to see me after school, and I had to tell him the truth. Another sniffle, and this time she reached for a tissue from the rolling tray table.
The truth? I held my breath. She wouldnt tell me. I mean, I wouldnt tell me, if I were Danica. She didnt owe me any answers.
I was pregnant. But it wasnt his.
I actually glanced around the room in surprise, looking for evidence of medical malpractice in the form of unregulated, judgment-impairing pain medication. But then I saw her watching me, looking for something in my expression, and I realized that she wasnt overmedicated. She just needed a friend.
Wow. And suddenly I felt guilty for pumping her for information just to distract myself from my own encroaching expiration date, when all she wanted was a friendly ear. Sohowd he take it?
I can do this. It didnt have to be either-or, right? I could listen like a friend and still dig for answers likeuman ill-fated amateur detective trying to solve one last case before she kicks the proverbial bucket. Right?
Danica wadded her tissue in one hand, then dropped it onto her lap. At first he just looked at me, like he wasnt sure hed heard me right. Then he got this awful heartbroken look, like Id told him I murdered his puppy. Then he just turned around and walked right out the door without a word. She sighed and tossed the tissue toward the can, where it landed a foot and a half shy. The only visitor Ive had, until you, and he leaves hating me. But I guess I deserve that.
Her only visitor? Your parents didnt come?
