He shook his head. “You were vulnerable, Sara, and you probably weren’t in the right frame of mind, and he took advantage of that. Fuck’s sake, he knew you were taken, did he not?” When I didn’t respond, he glared. “Did he not?”
“Well, yeah, but–”
“So you were attacked by a low life drunk, you were scared and vulnerable, seeking safety, not in the right frame of mind, wanted to be comforted and then you made the move because you regarded him as your rescuer. Instead of being a man with some good fucking manners, he took advantage of that, and what does the asshole do? Doesn’t even care to pleasure you in the process. All the while knowing you had a guy waiting for you at home.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kept shaking my head at his words, completely disagreeing at everything he was saying. Yeah, I needed to be comforted. Yeah, I felt safe in Jaxon’s arms, but I felt desire for him too. It wasn’t because I was vulnerable and had some kind of sudden sexual fixation with my rescuer. Daniel was making excuses for me because he cared and didn’t want to think the worst of me, which made this entire situation even harder.
And the sex? Well, Jaxon was angry at me and he was expressing that anger, but although there was no personal connection there, I still enjoyed it. I didn’t even regret it as bad as that might make me sound.
“Don’t be angry at him,” I said quietly. “I’m the one that did it, Daniel, and you have every right to hate me and leave me. I don’t deserve you.”
He didn’t speak for several minutes, but as every minute ticked by, his face softened more and more.
To be honest, I thought this was going be uglier than it turned out. I underestimated him. Daniel Hale was truly a remarkable guy.
“I can’t hate you,” he finally spoke, softly. “We’ve been doing this for two years now and I haven’t once bridged the gap between us. I can’t even call what we have a relationship. You have needs too, you know? And yeah, we’ve been burned before, but it was wrong to withhold the emotional element in our… weird arrangement. I should have tended to you more, and stopped being such a coward about wanting you as more. Ironically, it’s partly why I decided to come here. I’ve been missing you like fucking crazy. You’re in my head all day long, and I’d been going nuts without you. I came here to initiate the start of a real relationship. Leaving you to come here alone was such a foolish mistake. What the fuck was I thinking sending someone I deeply care about to tend to her dead mother’s affairs all by herself? To boot you’ve got yourself a Scorpion on your back wanting you. I’ve been an absolute asshole. Fuck!”
He raked both hands through his messy black hair and exhaled loudly. “If I’d come here and been the moral support you’d needed, and not just as your lover, but as your boyfriend, then we would have avoided all this shit. That whole altercation, and its… aftermath, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve you. I can’t…I can’t think that after last night I deserve you.”
“I still want you, Sara. I still want all those things.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t deserve you.”
He exhaled in frustration. “See, that’s the problem. You believe in your own bullshit. You believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you reject it, and then it costs you happiness. It’s wrong.”
“But I don’t know if…” If what? I wanted him? I paused then and closed my mouth shut.
“You don’t know what? Just say it.”
I couldn’t say it because even I was confused with myself.
“Look, I can see you need some time to yourself. Maybe you should stick around for a couple more days and get your head sorted out. Lucinda’s a lovely woman, and you’re here in your hometown. Maybe you should visit your mother’s grave and then figure out this shit with… him.” He wouldn’t say Jaxon’s name, but his nostrils flared as he thought of him.
I nodded in agreement, knowing that was the right route to take for now. He stood up and made his way over to me. Then he plopped down and brought me into his chest, stroking my hair as I rested my cheek against him. This was the exact position I’d been in with Jaxon, I realized. Only… it was all wrong somehow. Daniel gave me comfort, but the desire wasn’t there.
The rest of the day went by quietly. I was ninety percent done by the time it started to darken outside. The only things I hadn’t touched were those boxes.
“Are you going to open them?” Daniel asked.
“Not yet. I’ll… do it tomorrow.” I kept knocking this stupid chore for “tomorrow.” I couldn’t admit that I was terrified of how personal it was going to be sorting through them. I just knew that they would be if she’d placed them so securely in boxes in this room. It had to be something important, and I wasn’t up for that yet.
“Did you want me to drop you back off at Lucinda’s house?” Daniel said as we walked back to the car.
I looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t you staying the night?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” There was apprehension in his demeanour as the thought crossed his mind.
“Where are you going to go, then? We can find a room–”
“I think I’ll drive back home. I sort of cancelled a whole bunch of appointments today, and to do that again tomorrow would be unwise.”
I didn’t reply as I got into the car. Despite everything, he was still affectionate on our way back. He stroked my hand and held it in his as he drove.
When we got to the house, he stopped at the driveway and brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “I meant it when I said I still want you,” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting for you at home, okay?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry for everything, Daniel.”
“Get the answers you need and come back to me. We’ll sort it out.”
“I will.”
“Promise me you’ll come back.”
I looked at him in the dark. He was anxiously staring at me with parted lips. I stroked his cheek, trying to keep the hesitation at bay. “I promise.”
He watched me climb out and make my way to the front door. I looked over at him once and waved, and then he waved back and backed out of the driveway.
When he was gone, I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. I opened my purse and pulled out the house key. I went to put it in when a hand touched my arm.
“Hey.” I nearly jumped out of my skin, screaming before recognizing the voice. I looked up at Jaxon who’d come out of… just where, exactly?
“What the hell!” I yelled furiously.
“Didn’t mean to scare you.” There was a faint smile on his lips.
“What are you doing out here?”
“I was walking.”
I lifted a brow sceptically at him. “Of course you were.”
I unlocked the door and stepped into the house. I could vaguely smell this morning’s bacon in the air as I made my way across the foyer and to the stairs, ignoring the figure walking behind me. He was following me. I stopped midway up the staircase and turned around.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, looking down at him.
“Nope,” he answered casually.
I sighed and continued up the stairs to my bedroom. He followed, of course.
“Does your mom usually work so late?” It was quarter to eight and she wasn’t home.
“She teaches a sewing class Thursday nights,” he said, entering after me and shutting the door. I tried not to pretend I wasn’t nervous as hell being alone in the same room as him. After all, we did sleep in the same room last night.
I set my purse on the dresser and grabbed my bum clothes from my suit case. I changed in the bathroom, making sure the door was locked and took my time while I wondered what he wanted.
When I walked out, he was seated on the edge of the bed. He was in the same clothes from this morning, and under the direct bedroom light I noticed stubble growing in. Absentmindedly I thought he’d look damn good with a beard.
“You should be in better clothes for bed than that,” he remarked, eyeing my oversized sweater and baggy pants.
I shrugged. “They’re comfortable.”
“You used to sleep in hardly anything at all.”
“That’s because I had you pressed up against me to keep me warm all night.” I closed my eyes and winced at my words. Did I just say that? When I opened them again, he looked irritated.
“What is it, Jaxon?”
“Did you tell him?” I didn’t have to wonder what he was referring to.
I nodded. “Yeah, I told him.”
With a look that was bordering hopeful, he asked, “And because he isn’t here, does that mean he left you?”
Now it was my turn to be irritated. “Is that what you’d like to happen?”
“Fuck yes,” he said adamantly.
“You wanted him to break up with me?”
“Absolutely.”
“Did you sleep with me on purpose then? To break us up?”
“No, that just happened.”
“Do you regret doing it?”
He looked at me bewilderedly. “No, I don’t. I’m assuming because you’re asking then you must regret it. Is it because he left you?”
“He didn’t leave me.” My whole body was exhausted, but I didn’t want to be on the same bed as him. I relaxed my back against the wall beside the bathroom instead.
“So I was right. He’s so pussy whipped he’ll take you no matter what–”
“Stop being an asshole. Daniel’s not pussy whipped. He just cares about me and what we have is complicated and–”
“And you want him that badly, huh?” His eyes went dark with anger. “Is it the status? ‘Oh, I’m with a lawyer. We’re a power couple.’”
“Don’t mock me! I’m not like that.”
“You were like that five years ago–”
“Yes, was! As in past tense, Jaxon. As in I’m not like that anymore and haven’t been for years!”
“What, have you changed for this Daniel guy?”
“No!”
“Then what’s so fucking special about him? What’s he doing for you?” The questions were flooding out of his mouth heatedly, and both his fists clenched together as his anger steadily rose. “What part of you have you reserved for him that you couldn’t reserve for me–”
“I haven’t reserved any part of me for him!” I interrupted, feeling my own face heat up.
“Then what’s so great about him that you easily threw away over a mindless, regrettable root?”
I grimaced. “He helped me! He… made me feel less lonely, alright?”
“How?” he growled.
“By fucking, alright? That’s how!” When his face paled, I couldn’t understand why those words would even get to him. “What do you care anyway? You’re out rooting around all you want. Like you said, you can find hotter girls than me that’ll do whatever the hell you want. Voyeuristic, you said, and that’s all after you told me I hit my peak. So why don’t you just get up and go find yourself some slut to slide into?”
He did get up, and that sent daggers to my heart that he was actually going to do what I told him to. But he just stood there, glaring down at me.
“Well go on then!” I goaded him.
“That desperate to get rid me again, huh?” His words were pained and tormented by a heavy sadness that made my chest tighten.
“I wasn’t desperate to get rid of you–”
“You left me!” he shouted, pointing at me as his face reddened. “So fucking desperate to get away that you were too much of a fucking coward to tell it to my face!”
“That’s not why!” I hollered back, feeling hot tears fall down my face. My whole body shook as remorse flood me.
“Why should I believe you? Your word’s shit to me! You left me! You said you never would–”
“I would have destroyed us if I’d stayed! You know it too! I wouldn’t have had the strength to tell it to your face. You wouldn’t have let me go if I did!”
“And what’s so fucking wrong with that?”
“Because I was a monster, Jaxon! I was evil. You deserved better!”
“That wasn’t for you to decide.” His voice broke and he turned away from me, looking in the opposite direction with hands raking through his hair. His chest heaved up and down, and I could hear the heavy breaths escape his mouth as he kept his back to me.
I crossed my arms, suddenly frozen to the core. “I did what was best for you. Look at what became of you. You got what you dreamed of.”
“At what cost?” He looked over at me, fiery eyes and curled lips. “You think you can have it your way all the fucking time. You didn’t give me a better life by walking away.”
“Look at you–”
“I look at me every fucking day!” He interrupted, raising his voice again at a deafening rate. “You killed me more than you saved me!”
“You’re a liar!” I snapped back, tears blurring my vision. “You were happy after I left!”
“Well, yeah, but–”
“So you were attacked by a low life drunk, you were scared and vulnerable, seeking safety, not in the right frame of mind, wanted to be comforted and then you made the move because you regarded him as your rescuer. Instead of being a man with some good fucking manners, he took advantage of that, and what does the asshole do? Doesn’t even care to pleasure you in the process. All the while knowing you had a guy waiting for you at home.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kept shaking my head at his words, completely disagreeing at everything he was saying. Yeah, I needed to be comforted. Yeah, I felt safe in Jaxon’s arms, but I felt desire for him too. It wasn’t because I was vulnerable and had some kind of sudden sexual fixation with my rescuer. Daniel was making excuses for me because he cared and didn’t want to think the worst of me, which made this entire situation even harder.
And the sex? Well, Jaxon was angry at me and he was expressing that anger, but although there was no personal connection there, I still enjoyed it. I didn’t even regret it as bad as that might make me sound.
“Don’t be angry at him,” I said quietly. “I’m the one that did it, Daniel, and you have every right to hate me and leave me. I don’t deserve you.”
He didn’t speak for several minutes, but as every minute ticked by, his face softened more and more.
To be honest, I thought this was going be uglier than it turned out. I underestimated him. Daniel Hale was truly a remarkable guy.
“I can’t hate you,” he finally spoke, softly. “We’ve been doing this for two years now and I haven’t once bridged the gap between us. I can’t even call what we have a relationship. You have needs too, you know? And yeah, we’ve been burned before, but it was wrong to withhold the emotional element in our… weird arrangement. I should have tended to you more, and stopped being such a coward about wanting you as more. Ironically, it’s partly why I decided to come here. I’ve been missing you like fucking crazy. You’re in my head all day long, and I’d been going nuts without you. I came here to initiate the start of a real relationship. Leaving you to come here alone was such a foolish mistake. What the fuck was I thinking sending someone I deeply care about to tend to her dead mother’s affairs all by herself? To boot you’ve got yourself a Scorpion on your back wanting you. I’ve been an absolute asshole. Fuck!”
He raked both hands through his messy black hair and exhaled loudly. “If I’d come here and been the moral support you’d needed, and not just as your lover, but as your boyfriend, then we would have avoided all this shit. That whole altercation, and its… aftermath, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve you. I can’t…I can’t think that after last night I deserve you.”
“I still want you, Sara. I still want all those things.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t deserve you.”
He exhaled in frustration. “See, that’s the problem. You believe in your own bullshit. You believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you reject it, and then it costs you happiness. It’s wrong.”
“But I don’t know if…” If what? I wanted him? I paused then and closed my mouth shut.
“You don’t know what? Just say it.”
I couldn’t say it because even I was confused with myself.
“Look, I can see you need some time to yourself. Maybe you should stick around for a couple more days and get your head sorted out. Lucinda’s a lovely woman, and you’re here in your hometown. Maybe you should visit your mother’s grave and then figure out this shit with… him.” He wouldn’t say Jaxon’s name, but his nostrils flared as he thought of him.
I nodded in agreement, knowing that was the right route to take for now. He stood up and made his way over to me. Then he plopped down and brought me into his chest, stroking my hair as I rested my cheek against him. This was the exact position I’d been in with Jaxon, I realized. Only… it was all wrong somehow. Daniel gave me comfort, but the desire wasn’t there.
The rest of the day went by quietly. I was ninety percent done by the time it started to darken outside. The only things I hadn’t touched were those boxes.
“Are you going to open them?” Daniel asked.
“Not yet. I’ll… do it tomorrow.” I kept knocking this stupid chore for “tomorrow.” I couldn’t admit that I was terrified of how personal it was going to be sorting through them. I just knew that they would be if she’d placed them so securely in boxes in this room. It had to be something important, and I wasn’t up for that yet.
“Did you want me to drop you back off at Lucinda’s house?” Daniel said as we walked back to the car.
I looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t you staying the night?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” There was apprehension in his demeanour as the thought crossed his mind.
“Where are you going to go, then? We can find a room–”
“I think I’ll drive back home. I sort of cancelled a whole bunch of appointments today, and to do that again tomorrow would be unwise.”
I didn’t reply as I got into the car. Despite everything, he was still affectionate on our way back. He stroked my hand and held it in his as he drove.
When we got to the house, he stopped at the driveway and brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “I meant it when I said I still want you,” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting for you at home, okay?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry for everything, Daniel.”
“Get the answers you need and come back to me. We’ll sort it out.”
“I will.”
“Promise me you’ll come back.”
I looked at him in the dark. He was anxiously staring at me with parted lips. I stroked his cheek, trying to keep the hesitation at bay. “I promise.”
He watched me climb out and make my way to the front door. I looked over at him once and waved, and then he waved back and backed out of the driveway.
When he was gone, I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. I opened my purse and pulled out the house key. I went to put it in when a hand touched my arm.
“Hey.” I nearly jumped out of my skin, screaming before recognizing the voice. I looked up at Jaxon who’d come out of… just where, exactly?
“What the hell!” I yelled furiously.
“Didn’t mean to scare you.” There was a faint smile on his lips.
“What are you doing out here?”
“I was walking.”
I lifted a brow sceptically at him. “Of course you were.”
I unlocked the door and stepped into the house. I could vaguely smell this morning’s bacon in the air as I made my way across the foyer and to the stairs, ignoring the figure walking behind me. He was following me. I stopped midway up the staircase and turned around.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, looking down at him.
“Nope,” he answered casually.
I sighed and continued up the stairs to my bedroom. He followed, of course.
“Does your mom usually work so late?” It was quarter to eight and she wasn’t home.
“She teaches a sewing class Thursday nights,” he said, entering after me and shutting the door. I tried not to pretend I wasn’t nervous as hell being alone in the same room as him. After all, we did sleep in the same room last night.
I set my purse on the dresser and grabbed my bum clothes from my suit case. I changed in the bathroom, making sure the door was locked and took my time while I wondered what he wanted.
When I walked out, he was seated on the edge of the bed. He was in the same clothes from this morning, and under the direct bedroom light I noticed stubble growing in. Absentmindedly I thought he’d look damn good with a beard.
“You should be in better clothes for bed than that,” he remarked, eyeing my oversized sweater and baggy pants.
I shrugged. “They’re comfortable.”
“You used to sleep in hardly anything at all.”
“That’s because I had you pressed up against me to keep me warm all night.” I closed my eyes and winced at my words. Did I just say that? When I opened them again, he looked irritated.
“What is it, Jaxon?”
“Did you tell him?” I didn’t have to wonder what he was referring to.
I nodded. “Yeah, I told him.”
With a look that was bordering hopeful, he asked, “And because he isn’t here, does that mean he left you?”
Now it was my turn to be irritated. “Is that what you’d like to happen?”
“Fuck yes,” he said adamantly.
“You wanted him to break up with me?”
“Absolutely.”
“Did you sleep with me on purpose then? To break us up?”
“No, that just happened.”
“Do you regret doing it?”
He looked at me bewilderedly. “No, I don’t. I’m assuming because you’re asking then you must regret it. Is it because he left you?”
“He didn’t leave me.” My whole body was exhausted, but I didn’t want to be on the same bed as him. I relaxed my back against the wall beside the bathroom instead.
“So I was right. He’s so pussy whipped he’ll take you no matter what–”
“Stop being an asshole. Daniel’s not pussy whipped. He just cares about me and what we have is complicated and–”
“And you want him that badly, huh?” His eyes went dark with anger. “Is it the status? ‘Oh, I’m with a lawyer. We’re a power couple.’”
“Don’t mock me! I’m not like that.”
“You were like that five years ago–”
“Yes, was! As in past tense, Jaxon. As in I’m not like that anymore and haven’t been for years!”
“What, have you changed for this Daniel guy?”
“No!”
“Then what’s so fucking special about him? What’s he doing for you?” The questions were flooding out of his mouth heatedly, and both his fists clenched together as his anger steadily rose. “What part of you have you reserved for him that you couldn’t reserve for me–”
“I haven’t reserved any part of me for him!” I interrupted, feeling my own face heat up.
“Then what’s so great about him that you easily threw away over a mindless, regrettable root?”
I grimaced. “He helped me! He… made me feel less lonely, alright?”
“How?” he growled.
“By fucking, alright? That’s how!” When his face paled, I couldn’t understand why those words would even get to him. “What do you care anyway? You’re out rooting around all you want. Like you said, you can find hotter girls than me that’ll do whatever the hell you want. Voyeuristic, you said, and that’s all after you told me I hit my peak. So why don’t you just get up and go find yourself some slut to slide into?”
He did get up, and that sent daggers to my heart that he was actually going to do what I told him to. But he just stood there, glaring down at me.
“Well go on then!” I goaded him.
“That desperate to get rid me again, huh?” His words were pained and tormented by a heavy sadness that made my chest tighten.
“I wasn’t desperate to get rid of you–”
“You left me!” he shouted, pointing at me as his face reddened. “So fucking desperate to get away that you were too much of a fucking coward to tell it to my face!”
“That’s not why!” I hollered back, feeling hot tears fall down my face. My whole body shook as remorse flood me.
“Why should I believe you? Your word’s shit to me! You left me! You said you never would–”
“I would have destroyed us if I’d stayed! You know it too! I wouldn’t have had the strength to tell it to your face. You wouldn’t have let me go if I did!”
“And what’s so fucking wrong with that?”
“Because I was a monster, Jaxon! I was evil. You deserved better!”
“That wasn’t for you to decide.” His voice broke and he turned away from me, looking in the opposite direction with hands raking through his hair. His chest heaved up and down, and I could hear the heavy breaths escape his mouth as he kept his back to me.
I crossed my arms, suddenly frozen to the core. “I did what was best for you. Look at what became of you. You got what you dreamed of.”
“At what cost?” He looked over at me, fiery eyes and curled lips. “You think you can have it your way all the fucking time. You didn’t give me a better life by walking away.”
“Look at you–”
“I look at me every fucking day!” He interrupted, raising his voice again at a deafening rate. “You killed me more than you saved me!”
“You’re a liar!” I snapped back, tears blurring my vision. “You were happy after I left!”
