When Harrison and I broke up it was ugly. Messy. Shattering. I’d foolishly made him my world without asking myself if he deserved the honor. My once promising academic career had been seriously damaged. My pride was in tatters. I reached out to the guy who’d always been my friend and found he was in far worse shape than I’d guessed. I wanted him to get help. I wanted to comfort him. I held him and offered him my body because we needed each other, because I thought it might give him a reason to get clean, because I selfishly wanted to feel something even a little bit real.
And it was real all right.
I really had sex with my ex-boyfriend’s brother. I really got pregnant. I really woke up one awful morning to the news that Randall Corbett was dead from an overdose. And I really ran back to Hawk Valley with my tail between my legs to hide from the fallout.
I heard myself telling all of this to Nash. He didn’t say anything. I appreciated that. All I really needed was to feel his arms around me while I poured out the words that had been rotting inside of me for far too long.
He remained silent when I reached the end. I had no idea what would happen next. If he wanted to tell me he was disappointed, that he could never excuse the kind of deception I was capable of, then I’d have to find a way to live with that. I’d have to find a way to live without him.
“I can’t imagine what you think of me,” I said, feeling the words catch in my throat. “I’m sorry I’m not the kind of person you thought I was.”
He mulled that over and then sighed. “Give me some credit. I’m not judging you, Kat, if that’s what you’re afraid of. Things happen in life that are complicated and unexpected. If anyone knows that it’s me.”
I traced the muscles of his chest. “Was your life in Oregon complicated?”
He was puzzled by the question. “Not really. I lived alone beside the ocean with my dog. Why do you ask?”
I figured I ought to tell him someone had been sniffing around in his past. “My mother knows some friend of a friend who’s a private detective.”
“And?” he prodded.
“The guy did some digging on you. Found out you were under probation for assault charges.”
Nash nodded. “I see.”
“I wasn’t spying on you.”
“I know.”
“My mother was just concerned. And I wouldn’t even have brought it up except I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
“And there won’t be.” He picked up my hand and kissed the palm. “I used to think of myself as some kind of self-styled vigilante, getting small scale justice, taking action to protect the innocent from an even more violent outcome.”
I smiled. “You sound like a super hero.”
He snorted. “Not even close. Nothing good comes from seeking out violence, from burying your own agony by drawing blood. My dad knew it. He understood me better than I thought. He told me I wasn’t built to live that way, that it would take a piece of me every time. It took me a long time to understand he knew what he was talking about.”
“So what now?” I asked.
“Now I’ll find a better way to battle the Travis Hansons of the world without resorting to my fists. I have to. For me and especially for Colin.”
“Nash,” I said gently and he looked at me. “Your parents would be very proud of you. Both of them.”
He smiled and I saw how much the words meant to him. In the end we always wanted to make our parents proud, even if we didn’t admit it.
“So what about this Harrison dipshit?” he asked. “He must know he’s not Emma’s father.”
“Yeah, he knows.” I winced. “In fact I recall he had some choice words for me the last time I saw him.”
Nash tensed. “He better not come around again.”
I sighed. I had no idea what Harrison was after but it couldn’t be good. “I’ll go talk to Steve Brown tomorrow. He’ll have some ideas about what to do.”
Nash refused to drop the subject. “He’s been following you, right? He’s up to something. I think you and Emma should stay here until he’s dealt with.”
“Nash, I don’t want to overreact.”
“I’ll overreact for the both of us then.” He was scowling and I could tell he wouldn’t tolerate an argument. “You’re staying here. I can’t handle the idea of you and Emma alone and unprotected across town.”
I smiled. “If he shows up again I’ll just bop him over the head with my frying pan.”
“I’m serious, Kat.”
“So am I. That sucker is cast iron. It can do some damage.”
“Knock it off. You’re staying.”
I relented. “All right.”
He tightened his arms around me and I listened to his heartbeat. He hadn’t given me any ideas about what he thought of all the baggage I’d laid out for him.
“You didn’t hide,” he finally said.
I pulled away so I could see his face. “What?”
He reached out and pushed a strand of long hair out of my face. His striking blue eyes were gentle. “You didn’t hide, Kat. You didn’t go to some unknown place where nobody knew you and pretend to be someone else. You came home. You dedicated yourself to your daughter and surrounded her with love in the place you knew best. That’s not hiding.”
My eyes filled with tears. “I’ve never figured out what I’m going to tell her. She’s young now. But someday she’ll have questions. I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me when she hears the answers.”
He drew me close once more and kissed my forehead. “You will figure it out though. I see how you are with Emma. You don’t hold back from letting her know how much she’s loved. She’ll never have any doubts about that.”
I felt shy when I reached up to touch his lips. “I missed you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I wondered.”
My fingers traveled over his collarbone, brushing the muscled skin and I planted a kiss there. “What else did you wonder?”
“If you had any fun in this bed without me.”
“Not really.”
He abruptly changed positions, gripping my hips and sliding my body down until I was flat on my back. “You want to have some fun now?”
“You just finished driving for twenty hours, came home to a virtual brawl on the front lawn and then patiently listened to me cry out my shameful past for an hour. Aren’t you tired?”
Nash didn’t hesitate. He shoved his boxers down and directed my hand to his dick. “Does that feel tired to you?” he demanded.
I stroked the hard length of him. “No.”
“Then stop talking and do something about it.”
I started to wiggle out of my panties. Nash became impatient and yanked them off.
“No shirt either,” he said gruffly and practically tore it off me.
I locked my knees on either side of him, anticipating that tonight he’d want it rough and hard because he was in such a hurry to get there. That was fine with me. I was ready to take it. I braced myself for the first invasive thrust that would make me gasp and arch my back and urge him to go even deeper.
But Nash paused. I felt him against my belly, so thick and solid, and I ached to feel him closer, inside, connected.
“What’s wrong?” I asked because he was looking down at me with a grave expression I wasn’t used to seeing.
And it was real all right.
I really had sex with my ex-boyfriend’s brother. I really got pregnant. I really woke up one awful morning to the news that Randall Corbett was dead from an overdose. And I really ran back to Hawk Valley with my tail between my legs to hide from the fallout.
I heard myself telling all of this to Nash. He didn’t say anything. I appreciated that. All I really needed was to feel his arms around me while I poured out the words that had been rotting inside of me for far too long.
He remained silent when I reached the end. I had no idea what would happen next. If he wanted to tell me he was disappointed, that he could never excuse the kind of deception I was capable of, then I’d have to find a way to live with that. I’d have to find a way to live without him.
“I can’t imagine what you think of me,” I said, feeling the words catch in my throat. “I’m sorry I’m not the kind of person you thought I was.”
He mulled that over and then sighed. “Give me some credit. I’m not judging you, Kat, if that’s what you’re afraid of. Things happen in life that are complicated and unexpected. If anyone knows that it’s me.”
I traced the muscles of his chest. “Was your life in Oregon complicated?”
He was puzzled by the question. “Not really. I lived alone beside the ocean with my dog. Why do you ask?”
I figured I ought to tell him someone had been sniffing around in his past. “My mother knows some friend of a friend who’s a private detective.”
“And?” he prodded.
“The guy did some digging on you. Found out you were under probation for assault charges.”
Nash nodded. “I see.”
“I wasn’t spying on you.”
“I know.”
“My mother was just concerned. And I wouldn’t even have brought it up except I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
“And there won’t be.” He picked up my hand and kissed the palm. “I used to think of myself as some kind of self-styled vigilante, getting small scale justice, taking action to protect the innocent from an even more violent outcome.”
I smiled. “You sound like a super hero.”
He snorted. “Not even close. Nothing good comes from seeking out violence, from burying your own agony by drawing blood. My dad knew it. He understood me better than I thought. He told me I wasn’t built to live that way, that it would take a piece of me every time. It took me a long time to understand he knew what he was talking about.”
“So what now?” I asked.
“Now I’ll find a better way to battle the Travis Hansons of the world without resorting to my fists. I have to. For me and especially for Colin.”
“Nash,” I said gently and he looked at me. “Your parents would be very proud of you. Both of them.”
He smiled and I saw how much the words meant to him. In the end we always wanted to make our parents proud, even if we didn’t admit it.
“So what about this Harrison dipshit?” he asked. “He must know he’s not Emma’s father.”
“Yeah, he knows.” I winced. “In fact I recall he had some choice words for me the last time I saw him.”
Nash tensed. “He better not come around again.”
I sighed. I had no idea what Harrison was after but it couldn’t be good. “I’ll go talk to Steve Brown tomorrow. He’ll have some ideas about what to do.”
Nash refused to drop the subject. “He’s been following you, right? He’s up to something. I think you and Emma should stay here until he’s dealt with.”
“Nash, I don’t want to overreact.”
“I’ll overreact for the both of us then.” He was scowling and I could tell he wouldn’t tolerate an argument. “You’re staying here. I can’t handle the idea of you and Emma alone and unprotected across town.”
I smiled. “If he shows up again I’ll just bop him over the head with my frying pan.”
“I’m serious, Kat.”
“So am I. That sucker is cast iron. It can do some damage.”
“Knock it off. You’re staying.”
I relented. “All right.”
He tightened his arms around me and I listened to his heartbeat. He hadn’t given me any ideas about what he thought of all the baggage I’d laid out for him.
“You didn’t hide,” he finally said.
I pulled away so I could see his face. “What?”
He reached out and pushed a strand of long hair out of my face. His striking blue eyes were gentle. “You didn’t hide, Kat. You didn’t go to some unknown place where nobody knew you and pretend to be someone else. You came home. You dedicated yourself to your daughter and surrounded her with love in the place you knew best. That’s not hiding.”
My eyes filled with tears. “I’ve never figured out what I’m going to tell her. She’s young now. But someday she’ll have questions. I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me when she hears the answers.”
He drew me close once more and kissed my forehead. “You will figure it out though. I see how you are with Emma. You don’t hold back from letting her know how much she’s loved. She’ll never have any doubts about that.”
I felt shy when I reached up to touch his lips. “I missed you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I wondered.”
My fingers traveled over his collarbone, brushing the muscled skin and I planted a kiss there. “What else did you wonder?”
“If you had any fun in this bed without me.”
“Not really.”
He abruptly changed positions, gripping my hips and sliding my body down until I was flat on my back. “You want to have some fun now?”
“You just finished driving for twenty hours, came home to a virtual brawl on the front lawn and then patiently listened to me cry out my shameful past for an hour. Aren’t you tired?”
Nash didn’t hesitate. He shoved his boxers down and directed my hand to his dick. “Does that feel tired to you?” he demanded.
I stroked the hard length of him. “No.”
“Then stop talking and do something about it.”
I started to wiggle out of my panties. Nash became impatient and yanked them off.
“No shirt either,” he said gruffly and practically tore it off me.
I locked my knees on either side of him, anticipating that tonight he’d want it rough and hard because he was in such a hurry to get there. That was fine with me. I was ready to take it. I braced myself for the first invasive thrust that would make me gasp and arch my back and urge him to go even deeper.
But Nash paused. I felt him against my belly, so thick and solid, and I ached to feel him closer, inside, connected.
“What’s wrong?” I asked because he was looking down at me with a grave expression I wasn’t used to seeing.
