“I miss her. And I miss Daddy too.”
“And they miss you, sweet girl. So much.” I clear my throat and force myself to be strong. I’ve spent so many nights crying over Kelly. I can’t do it in front of her child. I need to be strong.
“I don’t like when Mommy sleeps so much.”
“Is that why you’re scared?” Her little head nods as she squeezes her lamb tighter.
“I had a bad dream.”
“It’s okay, Mia. Everyone has bad dreams. Everything is going to be okay, sweetie. Close your eyes. I’ll be here if you have another one.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. I reach up and stroke her hair, lulling her back to sleep. After a few minutes it works, she’s back in a deep sleep.
“She asleep?” Beau shifts closer to me as my silent tears fall.
“Yeah, she had a bad dream.”
“Another one?”
“Do you blame her? Poor thing is barely coping,” I whisper, still stroking her hair.
“She’s doing the best considering the circumstances, Kenz.” He tries to put it all in perspective, but I only see it one way.
“No, she needs stability. Brooks needs to sort his priorities out.”
“Darlin’, he’s trying to get there. He’s got a lot of shit on his plate.”
“Well, that’s not good enough. I’m sorry, but he’s also this little girl’s only person right now. She’s all alone, Beau. She should be with him.” I try to keep my voice in a low whisper, hoping not to wake Mia, but I can sense myself getting worked up. I know I’m the last person to judge. The last four weeks I’ve done the same thing, until Beau pulled me back.
“Darlin’, she’s sleeping snuggled up close. She might miss her mom and dad, but she’s not alone.”
“It’s not the same, and you know it.”
“No, it’s not. But we’re her family and we’re what she’s got right now. You can’t judge Brooks for reacting. He’s hurting, Kenz.”
I know he’s right. The club is family, and no matter what, we’re all here for one another, even when we make bad decisions.
“When did you become so smart?” I tilt my head back and let him whisper a soft kiss over my lips.
“When I met you.” He chuckles when I make a snorting sound at the back of my throat.
“Shhh, you’ll wake Mia.” I pull back and look down at her. Her lambie is still nestled under her arm, and I eye the condition it is in.
“Maybe I should wash Lambie,” I whisper over my shoulder.
“I don’t think a wash is gonna save it.” He leans over my shoulder and looks down at her.
“It’s so cute. Don’t you think?”
“It’s ugly and probably infested with germs.” He pulls back, not at all enamored with the small toy.
“I’ll wash it a couple of times,” I tell him, freaked out by the thought of it being infested with germs. Gross. And she has it on her face all night. The room falls quiet for a few minutes before Beau speaks again.
“Do you want kids one day, Kenz?” His question shocks me for a second. We haven’t had a discussion about our future. Everything kind of happened so fast, before shit started falling apart around us.
“I always thought I would be a mother, have three kids, white picket fence, you know? But I think it’s too late for me,” I tell him honestly. I’d love nothing more than to be a mother, but I gave up that hope when I left Chad.
“Never too late for anything, darlin’. Still have a few years in you.” He pinches my ass and I squirm.
“What about you?” I still, while I wait for his answer.
“Didn’t think I did. Then I just woke up and heard you console a scared little girl, pull her into our bed, then stand up for her as any protective mother would. All I can see now is you sitting on our porch swing, cradling our daughter.” I shift slightly, trying to process his words. Everything the last month has become ours. Our bed. Our swing. I can’t help reacting when he does it.
“What are you saying?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I just know the thought of having your belly swollen with my kid is something I need to happen.”
“You’re nuts. It’s too soon,” I try to reason with him. I know what we have going on right now is deep, but we’re talking about a lifelong commitment.
“If anything, the last few months have taught me not to wait. It all can be over in a minute, taken from us. I don’t want to turn around in a year’s time and wish I did things differently.”
“Beau, you’re talking crazy. Go to sleep.” I roll back, willing my erratic heart to calm down. Of course everything he’s saying is wheedling its way into my heart, spreading itself through me, giving me hope and possibility, but like I said, it’s way too soon.
“You want it. Don’t even have to see your face to know it. I can sense it right here. Right now.” He leans over, places his hand over my heart and whispers in my ear.
“Yeah, I want it. God, even the possibility of having that kind of goodness in my life is more than I ever imagined. But we’re not even married.”
“Don’t need to be married to have a baby, darlin’.”
“Ahh, yeah I do,” I whisper back. It’s not like a deal breaker for me, but it’s definitely something I’ve always thought would happen. Like a natural progression of things.
“And they miss you, sweet girl. So much.” I clear my throat and force myself to be strong. I’ve spent so many nights crying over Kelly. I can’t do it in front of her child. I need to be strong.
“I don’t like when Mommy sleeps so much.”
“Is that why you’re scared?” Her little head nods as she squeezes her lamb tighter.
“I had a bad dream.”
“It’s okay, Mia. Everyone has bad dreams. Everything is going to be okay, sweetie. Close your eyes. I’ll be here if you have another one.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. I reach up and stroke her hair, lulling her back to sleep. After a few minutes it works, she’s back in a deep sleep.
“She asleep?” Beau shifts closer to me as my silent tears fall.
“Yeah, she had a bad dream.”
“Another one?”
“Do you blame her? Poor thing is barely coping,” I whisper, still stroking her hair.
“She’s doing the best considering the circumstances, Kenz.” He tries to put it all in perspective, but I only see it one way.
“No, she needs stability. Brooks needs to sort his priorities out.”
“Darlin’, he’s trying to get there. He’s got a lot of shit on his plate.”
“Well, that’s not good enough. I’m sorry, but he’s also this little girl’s only person right now. She’s all alone, Beau. She should be with him.” I try to keep my voice in a low whisper, hoping not to wake Mia, but I can sense myself getting worked up. I know I’m the last person to judge. The last four weeks I’ve done the same thing, until Beau pulled me back.
“Darlin’, she’s sleeping snuggled up close. She might miss her mom and dad, but she’s not alone.”
“It’s not the same, and you know it.”
“No, it’s not. But we’re her family and we’re what she’s got right now. You can’t judge Brooks for reacting. He’s hurting, Kenz.”
I know he’s right. The club is family, and no matter what, we’re all here for one another, even when we make bad decisions.
“When did you become so smart?” I tilt my head back and let him whisper a soft kiss over my lips.
“When I met you.” He chuckles when I make a snorting sound at the back of my throat.
“Shhh, you’ll wake Mia.” I pull back and look down at her. Her lambie is still nestled under her arm, and I eye the condition it is in.
“Maybe I should wash Lambie,” I whisper over my shoulder.
“I don’t think a wash is gonna save it.” He leans over my shoulder and looks down at her.
“It’s so cute. Don’t you think?”
“It’s ugly and probably infested with germs.” He pulls back, not at all enamored with the small toy.
“I’ll wash it a couple of times,” I tell him, freaked out by the thought of it being infested with germs. Gross. And she has it on her face all night. The room falls quiet for a few minutes before Beau speaks again.
“Do you want kids one day, Kenz?” His question shocks me for a second. We haven’t had a discussion about our future. Everything kind of happened so fast, before shit started falling apart around us.
“I always thought I would be a mother, have three kids, white picket fence, you know? But I think it’s too late for me,” I tell him honestly. I’d love nothing more than to be a mother, but I gave up that hope when I left Chad.
“Never too late for anything, darlin’. Still have a few years in you.” He pinches my ass and I squirm.
“What about you?” I still, while I wait for his answer.
“Didn’t think I did. Then I just woke up and heard you console a scared little girl, pull her into our bed, then stand up for her as any protective mother would. All I can see now is you sitting on our porch swing, cradling our daughter.” I shift slightly, trying to process his words. Everything the last month has become ours. Our bed. Our swing. I can’t help reacting when he does it.
“What are you saying?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I just know the thought of having your belly swollen with my kid is something I need to happen.”
“You’re nuts. It’s too soon,” I try to reason with him. I know what we have going on right now is deep, but we’re talking about a lifelong commitment.
“If anything, the last few months have taught me not to wait. It all can be over in a minute, taken from us. I don’t want to turn around in a year’s time and wish I did things differently.”
“Beau, you’re talking crazy. Go to sleep.” I roll back, willing my erratic heart to calm down. Of course everything he’s saying is wheedling its way into my heart, spreading itself through me, giving me hope and possibility, but like I said, it’s way too soon.
“You want it. Don’t even have to see your face to know it. I can sense it right here. Right now.” He leans over, places his hand over my heart and whispers in my ear.
“Yeah, I want it. God, even the possibility of having that kind of goodness in my life is more than I ever imagined. But we’re not even married.”
“Don’t need to be married to have a baby, darlin’.”
“Ahh, yeah I do,” I whisper back. It’s not like a deal breaker for me, but it’s definitely something I’ve always thought would happen. Like a natural progression of things.
