His lips formed a thin line. “When I first saw you at the office, the physical similarities, your hair color and size, even some of your mannerisms were hard to distinguish. Over time I saw the pain behind your eyes, the emptiness.” He paused and looked to me, his fingers ghosting over my cheek. “I saw the mask you wore.”
He took a deep breath before continuing. “I resigned myself to a solitary existence. Convinced myself I would never love again. And then you came crashing into my life. You didn’t fawn over me like the others, and you saw through my façade into the man hiding inside: destroyed and angry.”
“You slipped around me.”
“I did,” he agreed. “You do that to me. I tried to ignore you for weeks. I saw it in you, the same pain and loneliness in myself. At first I thought it was because you reminded me of Grace in some ways, but then, after the first few times I was with you, I realized that, while it was something that drew me to you in the beginning, it no longer applied. I wanted you, craved you. I struggled every day with that knowledge. You saw the evidence. I pushed you away, along with the pull and feelings you were stirring within me. But when I took you, I gave everything I could and it was raw and primal. I craved you to the point of insanity.”
I pursed my lips, the war raging inside between wanting to believe him and wanting to protect myself. “Are you sure? Are you sure that’s what you’re feeling? Are you certain you aren’t using me as a replacement for her? If she was alive, you would still be with her, not me. You don’t really feel about me the same way I feel about you.”
He stared at me for a moment, trying to form words for feelings. “I’m struggling with the realization of my feelings for you. What it means for you and for me. I never thought I’d fall in love again. Then I met you, and no matter how hard I pushed you away or how much I tried to not feel anything, it didn’t do any good. If I believed in fate, I would say I was destined to meet you; that I had to go through all this so I would understand you and see you.”
I thought about it for a moment. The feeling I had was the same, like something tied us together. “It’s a force, but is it love?”
“I loved Grace, very much, and I’m struggling with guilt over the fact I love another and you could mean more to me than she did. That I want you more. That this connection we have is greater. To be honest, it scares me, because I would be decimated if anything were to happen to you, especially if it was because of me. Every time I said I didn’t want you, it was me trying to convince myself.”
“What about your nightmares?” I asked, finally having an arena to ask a long wondered upon thought.
“My nightmares?” He paused and looked deep into my eyes. He was gauging me for something, but I couldn’t tell what. “They were about losing you, seeing you dead. The day of your accident, I saw one of my nightmares come to life.”
My chest constricted, and I was on the verge of crying. “Why wouldn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“Because I couldn’t admit it to myself, but your accident split me open and made me look…at you, at us, at the feelings I was trying to disown. The thought that I lost you…well, you saw.”
“You’ve had a session with Dr. Morg… with Darren, haven’t you?”
He nodded in response. “I refused to acknowledge how I felt about you. I thought if I didn’t admit it to myself, then it wasn’t true and you would be safe from them. That backfired and made you unsafe from me. Darren helped me to realize everything I kept closed off. I was angry at myself and the situation I created. You didn’t deserve to see that anger.” His hands fidgeted with the fabric of his shirt that lay over his heart. “I want to live again…with you. You’ve changed my world. I’m altered, no longer stuck in purgatory.”
Tears welled in my eyes before they began to slide unbidden down my cheeks, hot and heavy. His hands moved to my face, thumbs gently wiping the small beads from my skin.
"After seeing and hearing all this, do you still want me? Do you want to try, really try?"
I thought about it; my mouth opened to say yes when something nagged at me. That voice I knew so well in my head. You’ll always be second best in his heart. I sat back and slumped against the pillows.
"No," I replied in a whisper. I watched the hope drain from his face, his jaw clenched tight. Tears welled in his eyes, and I took his hand in mine. "I can't be a replacement. I won't be. You haven't had closure and until then…after all that has happened between us, I need to matter more than a memory. Not only that, I don’t know if I can let you back in. You hurt me more than anyone else has in my life.”
He nodded. “I understand. A small part of me wants you to tell me to f**k off, because I’m afraid. I’ve only ever loved my wife; this is all new to me. I don’t want you to be hurt or killed because of me…because you’re with me. At the same time I don’t want to let you go, I won’t. I need you, so bad. It’s your decision to give it a try with me, to be in a real, healthy relationship. If I’m honest, that scares me almost as much, but I promise to work at getting better, and I won’t push you away anymore.”
“How do I know I can trust all that?”
“I’ve never made you any promises, because that would be confirmation of the feelings I wouldn’t allow myself to have. So I buried them.” He picked up my hand and placed it palm down on his chest over his heart. “As cheesy as it sounds, this changes now because I’m promising you – my heart is yours.”
My brow scrunched together. “Not all of it.”
Sadness washed over his features. He couldn’t deny it.
CHAPTER 6
We lay there for a while, me absorbing everything, Nathan taking in my answer. I scratched at one of the scabs on my thigh and looked down. My legs were hairy and had bothered me all week. It shouldn’t have, but what else did I have to think about after I was done counting the dots on the ceiling? It hit me that I was home now; I could bathe.
“Nathan,” I began, breaking the silence. “I want a shower.”
I turned to look at him, and he nodded. “Okay.”
Climbing off the bed, he moved to my side and picked me up, carrying me into the adjoining bathroom. Once there, he sat me down on my good foot, careful not to bang my bad leg on anything before stripping me of my clothing.
He took a deep breath before continuing. “I resigned myself to a solitary existence. Convinced myself I would never love again. And then you came crashing into my life. You didn’t fawn over me like the others, and you saw through my façade into the man hiding inside: destroyed and angry.”
“You slipped around me.”
“I did,” he agreed. “You do that to me. I tried to ignore you for weeks. I saw it in you, the same pain and loneliness in myself. At first I thought it was because you reminded me of Grace in some ways, but then, after the first few times I was with you, I realized that, while it was something that drew me to you in the beginning, it no longer applied. I wanted you, craved you. I struggled every day with that knowledge. You saw the evidence. I pushed you away, along with the pull and feelings you were stirring within me. But when I took you, I gave everything I could and it was raw and primal. I craved you to the point of insanity.”
I pursed my lips, the war raging inside between wanting to believe him and wanting to protect myself. “Are you sure? Are you sure that’s what you’re feeling? Are you certain you aren’t using me as a replacement for her? If she was alive, you would still be with her, not me. You don’t really feel about me the same way I feel about you.”
He stared at me for a moment, trying to form words for feelings. “I’m struggling with the realization of my feelings for you. What it means for you and for me. I never thought I’d fall in love again. Then I met you, and no matter how hard I pushed you away or how much I tried to not feel anything, it didn’t do any good. If I believed in fate, I would say I was destined to meet you; that I had to go through all this so I would understand you and see you.”
I thought about it for a moment. The feeling I had was the same, like something tied us together. “It’s a force, but is it love?”
“I loved Grace, very much, and I’m struggling with guilt over the fact I love another and you could mean more to me than she did. That I want you more. That this connection we have is greater. To be honest, it scares me, because I would be decimated if anything were to happen to you, especially if it was because of me. Every time I said I didn’t want you, it was me trying to convince myself.”
“What about your nightmares?” I asked, finally having an arena to ask a long wondered upon thought.
“My nightmares?” He paused and looked deep into my eyes. He was gauging me for something, but I couldn’t tell what. “They were about losing you, seeing you dead. The day of your accident, I saw one of my nightmares come to life.”
My chest constricted, and I was on the verge of crying. “Why wouldn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“Because I couldn’t admit it to myself, but your accident split me open and made me look…at you, at us, at the feelings I was trying to disown. The thought that I lost you…well, you saw.”
“You’ve had a session with Dr. Morg… with Darren, haven’t you?”
He nodded in response. “I refused to acknowledge how I felt about you. I thought if I didn’t admit it to myself, then it wasn’t true and you would be safe from them. That backfired and made you unsafe from me. Darren helped me to realize everything I kept closed off. I was angry at myself and the situation I created. You didn’t deserve to see that anger.” His hands fidgeted with the fabric of his shirt that lay over his heart. “I want to live again…with you. You’ve changed my world. I’m altered, no longer stuck in purgatory.”
Tears welled in my eyes before they began to slide unbidden down my cheeks, hot and heavy. His hands moved to my face, thumbs gently wiping the small beads from my skin.
"After seeing and hearing all this, do you still want me? Do you want to try, really try?"
I thought about it; my mouth opened to say yes when something nagged at me. That voice I knew so well in my head. You’ll always be second best in his heart. I sat back and slumped against the pillows.
"No," I replied in a whisper. I watched the hope drain from his face, his jaw clenched tight. Tears welled in his eyes, and I took his hand in mine. "I can't be a replacement. I won't be. You haven't had closure and until then…after all that has happened between us, I need to matter more than a memory. Not only that, I don’t know if I can let you back in. You hurt me more than anyone else has in my life.”
He nodded. “I understand. A small part of me wants you to tell me to f**k off, because I’m afraid. I’ve only ever loved my wife; this is all new to me. I don’t want you to be hurt or killed because of me…because you’re with me. At the same time I don’t want to let you go, I won’t. I need you, so bad. It’s your decision to give it a try with me, to be in a real, healthy relationship. If I’m honest, that scares me almost as much, but I promise to work at getting better, and I won’t push you away anymore.”
“How do I know I can trust all that?”
“I’ve never made you any promises, because that would be confirmation of the feelings I wouldn’t allow myself to have. So I buried them.” He picked up my hand and placed it palm down on his chest over his heart. “As cheesy as it sounds, this changes now because I’m promising you – my heart is yours.”
My brow scrunched together. “Not all of it.”
Sadness washed over his features. He couldn’t deny it.
CHAPTER 6
We lay there for a while, me absorbing everything, Nathan taking in my answer. I scratched at one of the scabs on my thigh and looked down. My legs were hairy and had bothered me all week. It shouldn’t have, but what else did I have to think about after I was done counting the dots on the ceiling? It hit me that I was home now; I could bathe.
“Nathan,” I began, breaking the silence. “I want a shower.”
I turned to look at him, and he nodded. “Okay.”
Climbing off the bed, he moved to my side and picked me up, carrying me into the adjoining bathroom. Once there, he sat me down on my good foot, careful not to bang my bad leg on anything before stripping me of my clothing.
