The lack of furniture and decorations made the decision much easier. When they were fixing the walls and repainting Nathan’s condo, Sarah and Erin had begged to decorate, but Nathan was against it. Even then he knew we would move in together one day, or at least hoped, so he didn’t see the need. My armoire would be moved into the master bedroom, while the rest of the bedroom furniture and my guest room items were moved into the two empty bedrooms. My office was to be moved and merged in with his. So on and so forth.
Entering my condo, crossing the threshold, was the easy part. Shutting the door and being surrounded by the stifling air was the hard part. I made it through, but the toll it took on me was staggering.
I was fine as long as I wasn’t in that area. He only tainted the space around the entry and the fond memories I had with Nathan there. Calm filled me in my bedroom, but there was also a little bit of sadness. Much of my relationship with Nathan happened within the expanse of those walls, some of my happiest times. I’d never felt attached to my home until he came into my life.
A few times I needed to go to the entry, to answer the door, take a box up, and each time, my pace picked up. The longer I was in the space, the more I was haunted by the memories.
I thought I was okay, that I beat down my demons, but Adam marked more than my skin. Even Nathan’s touch wasn’t the same, and I hurt him, pushed him away. He understood, and was taking things slower.
By noon I was running through the entry, feeling as if a phantom was waiting to grab me if I lingered too long. Nathan caught me, halting me on my fourth pass, and I was afraid to meet his gaze.
“Honeybear, please look at me.” My head rose, and the worried look of pain on his face caused my heart to clench. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I looked over my shoulder and shook my head. His arms wrapped around me, drawing me close. I relaxed then, his presence so soothing.
“I keep remembering every time I’m in that area. I know I said I was all right, and it did feel good to tell you everything, but still… I can’t shake the feelings it evokes. I can almost feel his fingers wrap around my neck, squeezing so hard I can’t breathe. The back of his hand as it came down across my face. The sheer terror that he was going to rape me, and those would be my last memories.”
Nathan’s grip tightened, and he was shaking. “He’ll never touch you again.” His voice was strained. “I’m going to work with the prosecutor’s office to make sure of that. If I can get a Marconi imprisoned, I can get him put away for life.”
I pulled back and looked up at him. Determination and anger flickered in his eyes. This was exactly what I was afraid of.
“That’s more than just helping out. Do you… Are you ready for that? To return to the courtroom? Would they even let you help in that capacity? It would put you in danger, wouldn’t it?”
“Free consultant in the form of a former Federal Prosecutor? I hope they wouldn’t pass that up. It’ll be fine.” His hands rubbed up and down my arms.
I let out a shuddering breath. “I just… It worries me.”
He bent down, his lips kissing at my worry lines. “What is this about?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
His brow scrunched. “That’s my line. Are you the one thinking about the Marconi family this time?” I nodded and he sighed, pulling me back to his chest and kissing the top of my head. “I won’t tell you it hasn’t crossed my mind, but your safety is more important than my own. I need to do this. I wasn’t there to protect you from him, so I’ll protect you by making sure he doesn’t even have the opportunity to do it again.”
“You couldn’t have known—there was no way.” I shuffled around a bit, uneasy at the thought of him being a target. My jaw tightened, and a pang in my chest made me feel slightly hollow. I wanted to keep him safe with me.
“He tried to take you from me. I want to kill him with my bare hands for that, but that would take me from you, so this is what I do.” His voice was imploring me to understand.
“I get that.”
“But?” he pressed.
“There are things I’m afraid of.”
“Things?”
I pursed my lips. “First, I know how upset you get when I tell you about the past. In order to do this, you’ll need to pull information from back then to show his history of violence. Second, what if…what if I see my father and Cheryl?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my forehead with a sigh.
“For what?”
“I hadn’t even thought about what this will do to you. You’re right; we’ll have to show a history of violence to help put him away for good.”
“All of the charges along with the evidence are enough to keep him there for a while. Thank God he didn’t have the money to make bail and will be in jail for the months before the trial, but that will be needed to drive home the attempted…” my voice trailed off, the word stuck in my throat. Nathan squeezed me tighter. “… murder. That this wasn’t a crime of passion, it was premeditated. The evidence Noah found proves that.”
“I’m going to push for a jury trial. Not that a judge trial would really hurt due to the evidence we have, but the sympathy from the jurors might help seal the deal. We’ll both have to make sure not to miss any sessions with Darren until this is all over. It’s going to dig up some major skeletons for you,” he said, brushing my hair back from my face.
“Yes, and you know how much I don’t like to talk about it. But I think this will be good in the end. Cleansing. Vindicating. I’m going to need a lot of lovey hugs, and I may not be able to ask for them.”
He smiled against my neck and chuckled. “I’ll make certain you are well supplied.”
There was a clearing of throats as we were interrupted; Andrew and Trent wanting to know where the couch was headed. Moving day continued into the night, and by dinnertime it was empty, no trace of me to be found.
As the days passed, I found it harder to convince myself I was okay, that the attack was no different, but things only seemed to get worse.
I awoke unable to breathe, my nightmare following me. Ghostly fingers were wrapped around my neck, and I was gasping, clawing at invisible hands.
The light flipped on and Nathan loomed over me. The images in my mind began to fade, and the tightness lessened. A scream clawed its way out of me, loud and raw.
Entering my condo, crossing the threshold, was the easy part. Shutting the door and being surrounded by the stifling air was the hard part. I made it through, but the toll it took on me was staggering.
I was fine as long as I wasn’t in that area. He only tainted the space around the entry and the fond memories I had with Nathan there. Calm filled me in my bedroom, but there was also a little bit of sadness. Much of my relationship with Nathan happened within the expanse of those walls, some of my happiest times. I’d never felt attached to my home until he came into my life.
A few times I needed to go to the entry, to answer the door, take a box up, and each time, my pace picked up. The longer I was in the space, the more I was haunted by the memories.
I thought I was okay, that I beat down my demons, but Adam marked more than my skin. Even Nathan’s touch wasn’t the same, and I hurt him, pushed him away. He understood, and was taking things slower.
By noon I was running through the entry, feeling as if a phantom was waiting to grab me if I lingered too long. Nathan caught me, halting me on my fourth pass, and I was afraid to meet his gaze.
“Honeybear, please look at me.” My head rose, and the worried look of pain on his face caused my heart to clench. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I looked over my shoulder and shook my head. His arms wrapped around me, drawing me close. I relaxed then, his presence so soothing.
“I keep remembering every time I’m in that area. I know I said I was all right, and it did feel good to tell you everything, but still… I can’t shake the feelings it evokes. I can almost feel his fingers wrap around my neck, squeezing so hard I can’t breathe. The back of his hand as it came down across my face. The sheer terror that he was going to rape me, and those would be my last memories.”
Nathan’s grip tightened, and he was shaking. “He’ll never touch you again.” His voice was strained. “I’m going to work with the prosecutor’s office to make sure of that. If I can get a Marconi imprisoned, I can get him put away for life.”
I pulled back and looked up at him. Determination and anger flickered in his eyes. This was exactly what I was afraid of.
“That’s more than just helping out. Do you… Are you ready for that? To return to the courtroom? Would they even let you help in that capacity? It would put you in danger, wouldn’t it?”
“Free consultant in the form of a former Federal Prosecutor? I hope they wouldn’t pass that up. It’ll be fine.” His hands rubbed up and down my arms.
I let out a shuddering breath. “I just… It worries me.”
He bent down, his lips kissing at my worry lines. “What is this about?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
His brow scrunched. “That’s my line. Are you the one thinking about the Marconi family this time?” I nodded and he sighed, pulling me back to his chest and kissing the top of my head. “I won’t tell you it hasn’t crossed my mind, but your safety is more important than my own. I need to do this. I wasn’t there to protect you from him, so I’ll protect you by making sure he doesn’t even have the opportunity to do it again.”
“You couldn’t have known—there was no way.” I shuffled around a bit, uneasy at the thought of him being a target. My jaw tightened, and a pang in my chest made me feel slightly hollow. I wanted to keep him safe with me.
“He tried to take you from me. I want to kill him with my bare hands for that, but that would take me from you, so this is what I do.” His voice was imploring me to understand.
“I get that.”
“But?” he pressed.
“There are things I’m afraid of.”
“Things?”
I pursed my lips. “First, I know how upset you get when I tell you about the past. In order to do this, you’ll need to pull information from back then to show his history of violence. Second, what if…what if I see my father and Cheryl?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my forehead with a sigh.
“For what?”
“I hadn’t even thought about what this will do to you. You’re right; we’ll have to show a history of violence to help put him away for good.”
“All of the charges along with the evidence are enough to keep him there for a while. Thank God he didn’t have the money to make bail and will be in jail for the months before the trial, but that will be needed to drive home the attempted…” my voice trailed off, the word stuck in my throat. Nathan squeezed me tighter. “… murder. That this wasn’t a crime of passion, it was premeditated. The evidence Noah found proves that.”
“I’m going to push for a jury trial. Not that a judge trial would really hurt due to the evidence we have, but the sympathy from the jurors might help seal the deal. We’ll both have to make sure not to miss any sessions with Darren until this is all over. It’s going to dig up some major skeletons for you,” he said, brushing my hair back from my face.
“Yes, and you know how much I don’t like to talk about it. But I think this will be good in the end. Cleansing. Vindicating. I’m going to need a lot of lovey hugs, and I may not be able to ask for them.”
He smiled against my neck and chuckled. “I’ll make certain you are well supplied.”
There was a clearing of throats as we were interrupted; Andrew and Trent wanting to know where the couch was headed. Moving day continued into the night, and by dinnertime it was empty, no trace of me to be found.
As the days passed, I found it harder to convince myself I was okay, that the attack was no different, but things only seemed to get worse.
I awoke unable to breathe, my nightmare following me. Ghostly fingers were wrapped around my neck, and I was gasping, clawing at invisible hands.
The light flipped on and Nathan loomed over me. The images in my mind began to fade, and the tightness lessened. A scream clawed its way out of me, loud and raw.
