Her father whipped his head around, his gaze on her narrowing suspiciously. “That so?”
She girded herself against what she knew was her own past coming back to scare her parents even more. “His name is Andrew Copeland. You’ve met Cope at the café a time or two, remember, Mom? He’s tall, dark and ridiculously gorgeous. Co-owns a security consulting business with his brother and Todd Keenan.” Her mother did not understand the two men one woman thing, but she had said if that was Erin’s choice and they all knew the boundaries, it was none of her beeswax. If only some of Ben and Todd’s family members could feel the same.
“How old is he?” Her father had relaxed a little when she’d mentioned Cope owning his own business, but the age thing might be a big deal.
“He’s thirty-six.”
Her father scowled. “He’s like a decade older than you are? What’s he need with a woman so much younger?”
Her mother shook her head. “So exactly how long have you been dating this man?”
“I’ve known him for six years now, but we started dating a little over a month ago. I see him about four times a week when I can. He’s giving me self-defense training, so we do that three times a week.”
Her father’s anger melted a bit. “How do you feel about that?”
She shrugged. “I feel like I have some more control. Like if I was going to be attacked again, I could at least handle it better. Or something. I know it gives me some control over the fear.” It was the most she’d said about the attack and the fear she was left with in a long time.
“Handle it better? You were attacked in your own home by a man who kicked a door in and tried to beat you to death. You fended him off even with the burns. You handled him, Ella. You never quit. I’d say you handled it damned well.”
Her heart kicked in her chest at the way his voice broke at the end. “Do you really see it that way?” She sent him a watery smile.
Her father cocked his head at her. “Baby girl, do you think we’d see it any other way?”
“It’s just that, well, I know you’re disappointed in the choices I make.”
“We’d like you to be safer. And yes, I think you’d be safer here with us. But that doesn’t mean we don’t see you as the fighter you are. Daddy and I didn’t raise quitters.” Her mother’s matter-of-fact delivery made her feel better.
“Don’t you think we get it? We love you, Ella. You came into this world and we guided you up, watched you grow into an amazing woman. You needed to go out and live in a way that you spit in the eye of what happened to you. Every day, even when you’d sweat and try not to cry.” He shook his head at her. “You think we didn’t notice?”
“Just because we knew you had to pull away from us to prove to yourself you could do it, doesn’t mean we weren’t scared for you. Doesn’t mean we couldn’t see the toll on you. You’re my baby. It tore me up every single time I’d watch your hands shake when we got into a crowd. To see the dark circles under your eyes because you worked so hard at school and your job. Of course we wanted you here. Here is safe. We could protect you. So we wanted that. And I still want that. I can’t play cheerleader to some of the stuff you do, because I just can’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t support you and respect the way you have risen above and found your way back to the Ella you were before he came along.”
She sighed, feeling better than she had in a long time for a host of reasons.
“I’m not going to be able to get back that far.” She shrugged. “That person is part of me, but so is who I was with Bill. No, no, he’s not Voldemort; we can say his name.” She paused, trying not to smile at how they had no freaking idea who Voldemort was. “The bad guy in the Harry Potter books. Anyway. I don’t want to forget it. I won’t be that cheerful, carefree person again, not totally. I can’t. What he did to me. What I allowed myself to become has changed me in ways I can’t get past. So I’ve learned to deal with them. To accept that I will always have a darkness inside, maybe a kernel of fear in my belly that will explode for no reason, hurtling me back years to a place when that fear was normal.” She realized this as she spoke. “I think I’ve finally realized and accepted that triumph. It means I react strongly when it happens because it is not a normal occurrence in my life anymore. I do not live in fear. I have my moments. I am not totally over it, and I don’t know that I can be.”
She sipped her tea, accepting totally the truth of what she’d just said. “Being with Andrew has helped me realize many things. I do have good judgment. I was worried I’d just have to give up on men forever as I had such terrible taste or what have you. But he is good and kind, and he gives me the space to be not quite whole and not quite normal. I don’t feel broken when I’m with him. Because those jagged edges are part of who I am. He sees them and accepts that they’re part of me.” She’d been pulling herself away to protect that part of her she needed to survive and get past the fear. It had been right there, though she’d never seen it. Apparently her mother saw it too.
Ella took her mother’s hands and squeezed. “I feel like if he can accept them, I can too.” As she said it, a knot, the low-lying knot in her gut that Andrew would wise up and leave her, was gone. He told her he loved her, and while she fiercely wanted to believe him, the doubt had remained, knotted with the fear. Until she’d spoken aloud the things she supposed her brain had been mulling over as the frenzy of the last few days with Erin out of the hospital had taken top priority. Once she’d said it aloud, the power of it had freed her from the fear.
She girded herself against what she knew was her own past coming back to scare her parents even more. “His name is Andrew Copeland. You’ve met Cope at the café a time or two, remember, Mom? He’s tall, dark and ridiculously gorgeous. Co-owns a security consulting business with his brother and Todd Keenan.” Her mother did not understand the two men one woman thing, but she had said if that was Erin’s choice and they all knew the boundaries, it was none of her beeswax. If only some of Ben and Todd’s family members could feel the same.
“How old is he?” Her father had relaxed a little when she’d mentioned Cope owning his own business, but the age thing might be a big deal.
“He’s thirty-six.”
Her father scowled. “He’s like a decade older than you are? What’s he need with a woman so much younger?”
Her mother shook her head. “So exactly how long have you been dating this man?”
“I’ve known him for six years now, but we started dating a little over a month ago. I see him about four times a week when I can. He’s giving me self-defense training, so we do that three times a week.”
Her father’s anger melted a bit. “How do you feel about that?”
She shrugged. “I feel like I have some more control. Like if I was going to be attacked again, I could at least handle it better. Or something. I know it gives me some control over the fear.” It was the most she’d said about the attack and the fear she was left with in a long time.
“Handle it better? You were attacked in your own home by a man who kicked a door in and tried to beat you to death. You fended him off even with the burns. You handled him, Ella. You never quit. I’d say you handled it damned well.”
Her heart kicked in her chest at the way his voice broke at the end. “Do you really see it that way?” She sent him a watery smile.
Her father cocked his head at her. “Baby girl, do you think we’d see it any other way?”
“It’s just that, well, I know you’re disappointed in the choices I make.”
“We’d like you to be safer. And yes, I think you’d be safer here with us. But that doesn’t mean we don’t see you as the fighter you are. Daddy and I didn’t raise quitters.” Her mother’s matter-of-fact delivery made her feel better.
“Don’t you think we get it? We love you, Ella. You came into this world and we guided you up, watched you grow into an amazing woman. You needed to go out and live in a way that you spit in the eye of what happened to you. Every day, even when you’d sweat and try not to cry.” He shook his head at her. “You think we didn’t notice?”
“Just because we knew you had to pull away from us to prove to yourself you could do it, doesn’t mean we weren’t scared for you. Doesn’t mean we couldn’t see the toll on you. You’re my baby. It tore me up every single time I’d watch your hands shake when we got into a crowd. To see the dark circles under your eyes because you worked so hard at school and your job. Of course we wanted you here. Here is safe. We could protect you. So we wanted that. And I still want that. I can’t play cheerleader to some of the stuff you do, because I just can’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t support you and respect the way you have risen above and found your way back to the Ella you were before he came along.”
She sighed, feeling better than she had in a long time for a host of reasons.
“I’m not going to be able to get back that far.” She shrugged. “That person is part of me, but so is who I was with Bill. No, no, he’s not Voldemort; we can say his name.” She paused, trying not to smile at how they had no freaking idea who Voldemort was. “The bad guy in the Harry Potter books. Anyway. I don’t want to forget it. I won’t be that cheerful, carefree person again, not totally. I can’t. What he did to me. What I allowed myself to become has changed me in ways I can’t get past. So I’ve learned to deal with them. To accept that I will always have a darkness inside, maybe a kernel of fear in my belly that will explode for no reason, hurtling me back years to a place when that fear was normal.” She realized this as she spoke. “I think I’ve finally realized and accepted that triumph. It means I react strongly when it happens because it is not a normal occurrence in my life anymore. I do not live in fear. I have my moments. I am not totally over it, and I don’t know that I can be.”
She sipped her tea, accepting totally the truth of what she’d just said. “Being with Andrew has helped me realize many things. I do have good judgment. I was worried I’d just have to give up on men forever as I had such terrible taste or what have you. But he is good and kind, and he gives me the space to be not quite whole and not quite normal. I don’t feel broken when I’m with him. Because those jagged edges are part of who I am. He sees them and accepts that they’re part of me.” She’d been pulling herself away to protect that part of her she needed to survive and get past the fear. It had been right there, though she’d never seen it. Apparently her mother saw it too.
Ella took her mother’s hands and squeezed. “I feel like if he can accept them, I can too.” As she said it, a knot, the low-lying knot in her gut that Andrew would wise up and leave her, was gone. He told her he loved her, and while she fiercely wanted to believe him, the doubt had remained, knotted with the fear. Until she’d spoken aloud the things she supposed her brain had been mulling over as the frenzy of the last few days with Erin out of the hospital had taken top priority. Once she’d said it aloud, the power of it had freed her from the fear.
