“There are constants, though. You’re the man I love. I can say this all to you now because no matter what happens, you will be the man I love. I will always love you, Andrew. It’s my blessing to have that. It gives me the strength right now to tell you to go.”
“What?”
“You need to work this through. I can take fighting with you. I’m not fragile, baby. Not at all. We can have an argument, and we will survive it. You seem to think I’m so broken that even having a tiff with me will damage me. I know you’re not Bill. Couples fight. But people who love each other don’t try to kill one another. Trust me, please, to understand the difference between what we’ve got and what I was before. You can be a total dick, Andrew. But so what? I can be a bitch. We’re a good match.” She grinned for a moment.
“So why are you kicking me out? I love you; you love me. End of story.”
“Not really. Love isn’t everything. It can’t be. There’s all the day-to-day stuff that fills in the rest. You’re afraid, and I can’t give you guarantees, not in the way you need. I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I’m committed to you, and the thought of me carrying our child fills me with so much joy I can’t do it justice. But I can’t promise not to die. I can’t promise we’ll be together forever. I can promise you I will work my ass off every single day for the rest of my life to keep our relationship working, to be the best person I can. What you need to figure out is if that’s enough.”
She had to pause to wrestle tears away.
“You need to figure out if that is enough for you to stay with me. Because while I respect your need for space to process stuff like this shit with your dad and all the hospital stuff, I don’t plan to have this moment over and over. It’s too much. I need assurances of my own. You need to figure out if your fear will choke you so much you can’t give me all of yourself. I want it all. I want Andy, I want Cope and I want Andrew. The good, the bad, all of it. Because that’s what I deserve and it’s what you deserve. I’m giving you this gift because I love you. Go. Take the time and space you need to figure it out. Don’t call me again until you’re breaking up with me or telling me you’re all mine.”
She stood, and he did as well.
“I love you, Ella.”
She nodded. “I know. I love you too. But that’s not good enough for either of us. Take the time and come back to me.”
He hugged her, his head hanging, and then he was gone and she was alone.
Alone enough to finally free the tears she’d been choking back the entire time she’d made the toughest decision of her entire life. If he didn’t come back, she’d still love him, he’d still have changed her life for the better in so many ways she couldn’t begin to add it all up. But boy, she sure hoped her inner voice was right and that he would figure it out and take the risk she’d asked for.
26
Walking out her door was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He had his own tears to shed as he stood there, just outside her apartment, heart aching as he heard the first sob from inside. He could go back in there right now and tell her to forget about it, that he loved her and didn’t need any time to figure that out. He did love her, and she knew it.
But he knew she deserved more. Deserved all of him just as she’d asked, and he had to figure out if he could give it. So he turned and walked away, needing to bounce his situation off someone. But who?
Normally he’d seek out Ben, but Ben had enough problems just then. Adrian had been helpful, but he hadn’t been where Cope was right now. He’d been helpful enough earlier that day, but Cope needed to talk with someone who was in a relationship that worked.
He drove around awhile, in the end, heading to the hospital because he needed to check in anyway.
And maybe because he knew there would be someone there who could help him find his way past this massive roadblock of fear that choked his f**king every thought.
He recognized Brody’s truck in the lot across the way and found the big man talking with Todd in the waiting room.
“I say next time we meet we go for a place with better lighting.” He plopped down next to Todd. “Here.” Cope handed him a bag. “Thought Erin would appreciate something to do. It’s a handheld system with some games.”
Todd laughed. “She’ll love it. Thanks.”
“How is she?”
“The same pretty much. Bored out of her head. Grumpy. Scared. Her protein levels are better today. Alexander is right as rain. He’s active and apparently happy in there.”
“Good. Anything I can do?”
Todd sighed. “For now, no. Ella called earlier to say she’d check in at the café, but I told her Erin gave everyone the day off. She said she’d come in this morning to bring magazines and books. Erin says she’s going to come out here so she can visit with everyone, though. If it wasn’t raining so hard I’d take her out for a walk in the gardens in the back. She needs it.”
“I figured Ella would come in with you.” Brody gave him a once-over.
“It’s complicated.”
Both men goggled at him. “Complicated? What does that mean? You didn’t cheat on her, did you?”
“Why would you think that? I’m not an ape, you know; I can keep my dick in my pants or in my girl. For the record, I have no desire to step out on Ella. What other woman could compare anyway?”
“What?”
“You need to work this through. I can take fighting with you. I’m not fragile, baby. Not at all. We can have an argument, and we will survive it. You seem to think I’m so broken that even having a tiff with me will damage me. I know you’re not Bill. Couples fight. But people who love each other don’t try to kill one another. Trust me, please, to understand the difference between what we’ve got and what I was before. You can be a total dick, Andrew. But so what? I can be a bitch. We’re a good match.” She grinned for a moment.
“So why are you kicking me out? I love you; you love me. End of story.”
“Not really. Love isn’t everything. It can’t be. There’s all the day-to-day stuff that fills in the rest. You’re afraid, and I can’t give you guarantees, not in the way you need. I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I’m committed to you, and the thought of me carrying our child fills me with so much joy I can’t do it justice. But I can’t promise not to die. I can’t promise we’ll be together forever. I can promise you I will work my ass off every single day for the rest of my life to keep our relationship working, to be the best person I can. What you need to figure out is if that’s enough.”
She had to pause to wrestle tears away.
“You need to figure out if that is enough for you to stay with me. Because while I respect your need for space to process stuff like this shit with your dad and all the hospital stuff, I don’t plan to have this moment over and over. It’s too much. I need assurances of my own. You need to figure out if your fear will choke you so much you can’t give me all of yourself. I want it all. I want Andy, I want Cope and I want Andrew. The good, the bad, all of it. Because that’s what I deserve and it’s what you deserve. I’m giving you this gift because I love you. Go. Take the time and space you need to figure it out. Don’t call me again until you’re breaking up with me or telling me you’re all mine.”
She stood, and he did as well.
“I love you, Ella.”
She nodded. “I know. I love you too. But that’s not good enough for either of us. Take the time and come back to me.”
He hugged her, his head hanging, and then he was gone and she was alone.
Alone enough to finally free the tears she’d been choking back the entire time she’d made the toughest decision of her entire life. If he didn’t come back, she’d still love him, he’d still have changed her life for the better in so many ways she couldn’t begin to add it all up. But boy, she sure hoped her inner voice was right and that he would figure it out and take the risk she’d asked for.
26
Walking out her door was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He had his own tears to shed as he stood there, just outside her apartment, heart aching as he heard the first sob from inside. He could go back in there right now and tell her to forget about it, that he loved her and didn’t need any time to figure that out. He did love her, and she knew it.
But he knew she deserved more. Deserved all of him just as she’d asked, and he had to figure out if he could give it. So he turned and walked away, needing to bounce his situation off someone. But who?
Normally he’d seek out Ben, but Ben had enough problems just then. Adrian had been helpful, but he hadn’t been where Cope was right now. He’d been helpful enough earlier that day, but Cope needed to talk with someone who was in a relationship that worked.
He drove around awhile, in the end, heading to the hospital because he needed to check in anyway.
And maybe because he knew there would be someone there who could help him find his way past this massive roadblock of fear that choked his f**king every thought.
He recognized Brody’s truck in the lot across the way and found the big man talking with Todd in the waiting room.
“I say next time we meet we go for a place with better lighting.” He plopped down next to Todd. “Here.” Cope handed him a bag. “Thought Erin would appreciate something to do. It’s a handheld system with some games.”
Todd laughed. “She’ll love it. Thanks.”
“How is she?”
“The same pretty much. Bored out of her head. Grumpy. Scared. Her protein levels are better today. Alexander is right as rain. He’s active and apparently happy in there.”
“Good. Anything I can do?”
Todd sighed. “For now, no. Ella called earlier to say she’d check in at the café, but I told her Erin gave everyone the day off. She said she’d come in this morning to bring magazines and books. Erin says she’s going to come out here so she can visit with everyone, though. If it wasn’t raining so hard I’d take her out for a walk in the gardens in the back. She needs it.”
“I figured Ella would come in with you.” Brody gave him a once-over.
“It’s complicated.”
Both men goggled at him. “Complicated? What does that mean? You didn’t cheat on her, did you?”
“Why would you think that? I’m not an ape, you know; I can keep my dick in my pants or in my girl. For the record, I have no desire to step out on Ella. What other woman could compare anyway?”
