“Mother, you’ve mentioned Johnathon a handful of times in my entire life. Why was he at Stewart’s funeral?”
She looked at me, her gray eyes clouded with a veil of confusion. “No, Victoria. Not Johnathon. Carlisle.”
What the fuck? Carlisle? Who the fuck was Carlisle? My eyes opened wide in shock. Would her fucking bombshells never stop? I was speechless.
Marilyn’s gaze again went toward the window, momentarily mesmerized with the streets of Miami as building after building passed by. Finally, she continued, “It’s true that I never told you any of this. Part of the reason was that I blamed you for ruining our marriage, but…” Her stone-cold hand reached for mine, its touch sending shivers down my spine. “…I also didn’t tell you, because I wanted to protect you.”
“From what? I don’t understand.”
“Carlisle and I were young and madly in love. It was passionate and volatile. I don’t know if I’d wish that type of love on anyone. In hindsight, I can say it wasn’t healthy. At the time, it was all-consuming. Carlisle came from a different world. He overwhelmed me. Against both of our families’ wishes, we eloped. With mine, it meant we didn’t talk. His was different. He didn’t want to avoid them. He wanted to prove to them that he could be part of the family, the business, and follow his heart.”
She took a breath. “God, Victoria, this is so hard.”
Did she fucking want me to feel sorry for her? “You’re telling me that this man, Carlisle, whom I’ve never heard of before was at my husband’s funeral?”
“Please, let me say what I need to say.”
I gestured with my hand, indicating for her to go on.
“Carlisle’s family was very male dominated. The only way for a woman to move up the hierarchy was to bear sons. For that reason, older women, like Carlisle’s grandmother, were respected. She didn’t like me. When we went to her, to tell her that we had married, she claimed that since we weren’t married in the church, we weren’t really married. She cursed our union and our children. Carlisle was the eldest son. It was his responsibility to have a son, someone to take over the family business. Though his grandmother wasn’t involved in the business, she was still revered by the family. Her curse was that we would never have children. You can imagine how excited we were when I became pregnant. It was a miracle. When the doctors told us that we were having twins, we were elated. Carlisle told his parents. At the time his younger brother was engaged. If Niccolo had the first son, the business would go to him.” She looked out the window. “It was a crazy and scary life. As you can imagine, the family business wasn’t legal.”
I nodded, wanting her to keep talking.
My mother’s expression darkened. “You know what happened with the pregnancy.” She gave me the familiar stare. “Carlisle blamed me.” Her gray eyes narrowed. “He also blamed you, and yes, I blamed you.
“When we learned that our son had died, Carlisle found himself in the position, or maybe I should say, with the opportunity, where he could back out of his commitment to me, to us. It was his chance at a fresh start. Like I said, in his world sons were of utmost importance.” She added, with noticeable sadness, “Women who couldn’t give those to their husbands were disposable. He was still young. If he abandoned us, he had a chance of fulfilling his destiny.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I interrupted. “The woman doesn’t determine the sex. Just because my twin died… you could still bear sons. You have, two.”
“Please, let me go on.”
I nodded.
“Though I begged him and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, he left us. After all, with his grandmother’s curse, there was no guarantee that I could give him the son he wanted. Months before you were born, he left us and had our marriage annulled. I fell apart. I’m not proud to say that I was ready to blame you for two deaths, your brother’s and mine. I was that close. I didn’t realize until later that my death before your birth was what his family wanted.
“Before you were born, I met Johnathon Conway. Johnathon knew enough about Carlisle’s family to know that I needed to get away. Johnathon and I moved up north and married. We stayed up there until after Val was born. Johnathon was a good man, but if I were honest with him or with myself… I never really loved him. My life was void without your father. There was a hole that no one could fill. Johnathon tried; however, instead of allowing him to do that I turned to alcohol. A little over a year after Val was born he left. He was a good man, but after a while he couldn’t handle having a drunk wife and two little girls. I came back to Florida, and tried to re-acclimate with my family. They tried to convince me to stop drinking.” She looked my way and back to the window. “I didn’t want help. Every time I looked at you, I saw Carlisle and thought about what could have been.
“After Johnathon divorced me, I spiraled even farther downward. It’s true: my mother and sisters cared for you when I couldn’t.”
Too much information. My heart sank as I tried to make sense of her confession. “Johnathon Conway was Val’s father, but not mine?”
She looked down. “Valerie doesn’t know. She thinks you’re both Johnathon’s.”
Because that is what we’d been told.
“Please don’t tell her,” she pleaded. “Johnathon encouraged me to tell my family that he fathered both of you.” She looked down. “He really tried. I blamed you for the end of that marriage too. I mean, I drank because as you grew, you looked more and more like your father. I kept thinking that if only you had been the one to not survive. If only your brother had lived.”
She looked at me, her gray eyes clouded with a veil of confusion. “No, Victoria. Not Johnathon. Carlisle.”
What the fuck? Carlisle? Who the fuck was Carlisle? My eyes opened wide in shock. Would her fucking bombshells never stop? I was speechless.
Marilyn’s gaze again went toward the window, momentarily mesmerized with the streets of Miami as building after building passed by. Finally, she continued, “It’s true that I never told you any of this. Part of the reason was that I blamed you for ruining our marriage, but…” Her stone-cold hand reached for mine, its touch sending shivers down my spine. “…I also didn’t tell you, because I wanted to protect you.”
“From what? I don’t understand.”
“Carlisle and I were young and madly in love. It was passionate and volatile. I don’t know if I’d wish that type of love on anyone. In hindsight, I can say it wasn’t healthy. At the time, it was all-consuming. Carlisle came from a different world. He overwhelmed me. Against both of our families’ wishes, we eloped. With mine, it meant we didn’t talk. His was different. He didn’t want to avoid them. He wanted to prove to them that he could be part of the family, the business, and follow his heart.”
She took a breath. “God, Victoria, this is so hard.”
Did she fucking want me to feel sorry for her? “You’re telling me that this man, Carlisle, whom I’ve never heard of before was at my husband’s funeral?”
“Please, let me say what I need to say.”
I gestured with my hand, indicating for her to go on.
“Carlisle’s family was very male dominated. The only way for a woman to move up the hierarchy was to bear sons. For that reason, older women, like Carlisle’s grandmother, were respected. She didn’t like me. When we went to her, to tell her that we had married, she claimed that since we weren’t married in the church, we weren’t really married. She cursed our union and our children. Carlisle was the eldest son. It was his responsibility to have a son, someone to take over the family business. Though his grandmother wasn’t involved in the business, she was still revered by the family. Her curse was that we would never have children. You can imagine how excited we were when I became pregnant. It was a miracle. When the doctors told us that we were having twins, we were elated. Carlisle told his parents. At the time his younger brother was engaged. If Niccolo had the first son, the business would go to him.” She looked out the window. “It was a crazy and scary life. As you can imagine, the family business wasn’t legal.”
I nodded, wanting her to keep talking.
My mother’s expression darkened. “You know what happened with the pregnancy.” She gave me the familiar stare. “Carlisle blamed me.” Her gray eyes narrowed. “He also blamed you, and yes, I blamed you.
“When we learned that our son had died, Carlisle found himself in the position, or maybe I should say, with the opportunity, where he could back out of his commitment to me, to us. It was his chance at a fresh start. Like I said, in his world sons were of utmost importance.” She added, with noticeable sadness, “Women who couldn’t give those to their husbands were disposable. He was still young. If he abandoned us, he had a chance of fulfilling his destiny.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I interrupted. “The woman doesn’t determine the sex. Just because my twin died… you could still bear sons. You have, two.”
“Please, let me go on.”
I nodded.
“Though I begged him and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, he left us. After all, with his grandmother’s curse, there was no guarantee that I could give him the son he wanted. Months before you were born, he left us and had our marriage annulled. I fell apart. I’m not proud to say that I was ready to blame you for two deaths, your brother’s and mine. I was that close. I didn’t realize until later that my death before your birth was what his family wanted.
“Before you were born, I met Johnathon Conway. Johnathon knew enough about Carlisle’s family to know that I needed to get away. Johnathon and I moved up north and married. We stayed up there until after Val was born. Johnathon was a good man, but if I were honest with him or with myself… I never really loved him. My life was void without your father. There was a hole that no one could fill. Johnathon tried; however, instead of allowing him to do that I turned to alcohol. A little over a year after Val was born he left. He was a good man, but after a while he couldn’t handle having a drunk wife and two little girls. I came back to Florida, and tried to re-acclimate with my family. They tried to convince me to stop drinking.” She looked my way and back to the window. “I didn’t want help. Every time I looked at you, I saw Carlisle and thought about what could have been.
“After Johnathon divorced me, I spiraled even farther downward. It’s true: my mother and sisters cared for you when I couldn’t.”
Too much information. My heart sank as I tried to make sense of her confession. “Johnathon Conway was Val’s father, but not mine?”
She looked down. “Valerie doesn’t know. She thinks you’re both Johnathon’s.”
Because that is what we’d been told.
“Please don’t tell her,” she pleaded. “Johnathon encouraged me to tell my family that he fathered both of you.” She looked down. “He really tried. I blamed you for the end of that marriage too. I mean, I drank because as you grew, you looked more and more like your father. I kept thinking that if only you had been the one to not survive. If only your brother had lived.”
