It Must Be Your Love
Page 25
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Chapter Thirteen
Mia was halfway to the door when Ford reached out and slid an arm around her waist to stop her. The blood was pumping in his veins at the thought of opening himself up to her. It would be easier to continue to keep his feelings about his family hidden.
Easy...and empty.
Five years ago, she’d given him everything—not just her body, but her heart and soul, too. But he’d been too scared shitless to do the same. He needed to find a way to fight that fear now.
Or he’d lose her.
“The reason I hate the name Rutherford is because my parents gave it to me.”
He felt her shock at his sudden statement, and the way he’d just made his feelings about his parents perfectly clear to her in one simple sentence. That shock was what held her where she was in his arms a few seconds longer, her back to his front.
“Rutherford is the son they’d planned to have. Blue blood. Privileged. Top of the class in French. English literature. Polo. Lacrosse. Rutherford was supposed to attend an Ivy League school, graduate with top honors, then proceed to acquire a law degree.”
He’d never said this much to anyone else about his parents. Journalists had probed like crazy over the years, but he’d never given them so much as a sound bite. But there was a big difference between telling his story to Rolling Stone and finally sharing it with the woman he loved. So even though each word felt like gravel in his throat, and every instinct in him said he should stop and protect himself the way he always had, Ford knew he only had this one chance to prove to Mia that he could change for her...and that he could now give her what he’d been unable to give her before.
“I remember everything you said to me about how close you are to your family, and I just saw what love means to the Sullivans. It means everything. And that’s obviously what Marcus and Nicola are going to give each other. Absolutely everything, nothing held back, not out of pride or any other reason.” His hand shook where it lay across Mia’s stomach. He needed her now to hold on to and was glad that she hadn’t yet tried to move away from him. “Rutherford never had a chance in hell of finding love. Not with his parents, and not with anyone else. I wasn’t even ten when I figured out that all that kid was ever going to have was money and status and ice-cold emptiness. That’s when I became Ford...and I vowed to never, ever let myself turn back into the machine my parents had tried to create with nannies and tutors and endless lists of what was and was not appropriate.”
Finally, Mia turned to face him, and he wasn’t sure she realized she was still in his arms as she asked, “Do you honestly believe they’re not impressed with you? You’re one of the biggest rock stars in the world, and it didn’t happen because you’re part of some industry machine. It’s because of how good you are at what you do.”
She was so beautiful and so earnest in her belief that any parent would be proud of him, that he was sorely tempted to kiss her. But now that it looked like he’d finally made some headway, he knew better than to blow it with an unwanted kiss.
“My career is inconsequential at best, a total embarrassment at worst. The sons of my parents’ contemporaries are stockbrokers and gallery owners and run charities.”
“But you give away a fortune every year, probably to those very charities.”
He raised an eyebrow at her admission that she knew something about his life.
“I’d have to be deaf and blind not to hear and read the news, but I just don’t see how your parents could miss the fact that they have a truly remarkable son.” She rolled her eyes as she belatedly realized what she’d said. “I mean that from a career achievement point of view, of course. Because even when I hated you, I couldn’t quite bring myself to hate your songs.”
Compliments were a dime a dozen for Ford. But hearing Mia call him remarkable meant more than a million accolades from fans ever could.
“My parents dislike every single song I’ve ever written and performed,” he said with perfect certainty. “Rock music breaks every rule I was bred to follow. Hell, even bringing an oboe into a string quartet is pushing it for them.”
Her mouth tipped up a teeny bit in each corner as she said, “And you love breaking those rules, don’t you?”
He smiled back at her. “I first picked up an electric guitar to hurt them the way they’d hurt me. And the honest truth is that the first time I turned that amp up to eleven and hit the A chord so that it shook the walls all the way down the hall to the formal dining room where they were having a dinner party, is still one of my favorite memories. I had no idea music would save my life by finally giving me something to love. But even though it saved me for so many years, I realized too late that it isn’t enough.”
“You have millions of fans. Everyone around the world loves your songs. How can that not be enough?”
“Because music can’t tell me when I’m being a self-obsessed jerk. Music can’t light up my day with nothing more than a smile. Music can’t love me back. And—” He paused to gently caress her cheek. “—music will never be you.”
Back when they were lovers, Ford had been amazed by the way Mia could let herself be strong in one moment, then soft and pliable the next. Today, with her emotions running high from the wedding, he sensed that he could easily push her into not just another kiss, but so much more. Ford desperately wanted to feel her bare skin against his, needed so badly to hear those beautiful, breathless sounds she made when she came apart in his arms.
But he needed a future with her more than he needed a few fleeting moments of pleasure that would surely end with all of her walls back up.
“I want us to start over fresh, Mia.” He reached out to tip her chin up with his finger so that she had to look him in the eye. “No ultimatums this time. I know you’re going to need time for me to convince you that I can be the man you need me to be.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” She looked truly shocked by her realization that he meant every word he’d said to her since Friday morning. “You actually didn’t set up the showing at the tower house to mess with me for a laugh, did you?”
“I’ve never been more serious about anyone or anything in my life, Mia. I want you back.”
“Why do you keep pushing when I’ve already said no so many times?”
“Because what I see in your eyes, and what I feel in your touch, have both told me something else entirely.”
Mia was halfway to the door when Ford reached out and slid an arm around her waist to stop her. The blood was pumping in his veins at the thought of opening himself up to her. It would be easier to continue to keep his feelings about his family hidden.
Easy...and empty.
Five years ago, she’d given him everything—not just her body, but her heart and soul, too. But he’d been too scared shitless to do the same. He needed to find a way to fight that fear now.
Or he’d lose her.
“The reason I hate the name Rutherford is because my parents gave it to me.”
He felt her shock at his sudden statement, and the way he’d just made his feelings about his parents perfectly clear to her in one simple sentence. That shock was what held her where she was in his arms a few seconds longer, her back to his front.
“Rutherford is the son they’d planned to have. Blue blood. Privileged. Top of the class in French. English literature. Polo. Lacrosse. Rutherford was supposed to attend an Ivy League school, graduate with top honors, then proceed to acquire a law degree.”
He’d never said this much to anyone else about his parents. Journalists had probed like crazy over the years, but he’d never given them so much as a sound bite. But there was a big difference between telling his story to Rolling Stone and finally sharing it with the woman he loved. So even though each word felt like gravel in his throat, and every instinct in him said he should stop and protect himself the way he always had, Ford knew he only had this one chance to prove to Mia that he could change for her...and that he could now give her what he’d been unable to give her before.
“I remember everything you said to me about how close you are to your family, and I just saw what love means to the Sullivans. It means everything. And that’s obviously what Marcus and Nicola are going to give each other. Absolutely everything, nothing held back, not out of pride or any other reason.” His hand shook where it lay across Mia’s stomach. He needed her now to hold on to and was glad that she hadn’t yet tried to move away from him. “Rutherford never had a chance in hell of finding love. Not with his parents, and not with anyone else. I wasn’t even ten when I figured out that all that kid was ever going to have was money and status and ice-cold emptiness. That’s when I became Ford...and I vowed to never, ever let myself turn back into the machine my parents had tried to create with nannies and tutors and endless lists of what was and was not appropriate.”
Finally, Mia turned to face him, and he wasn’t sure she realized she was still in his arms as she asked, “Do you honestly believe they’re not impressed with you? You’re one of the biggest rock stars in the world, and it didn’t happen because you’re part of some industry machine. It’s because of how good you are at what you do.”
She was so beautiful and so earnest in her belief that any parent would be proud of him, that he was sorely tempted to kiss her. But now that it looked like he’d finally made some headway, he knew better than to blow it with an unwanted kiss.
“My career is inconsequential at best, a total embarrassment at worst. The sons of my parents’ contemporaries are stockbrokers and gallery owners and run charities.”
“But you give away a fortune every year, probably to those very charities.”
He raised an eyebrow at her admission that she knew something about his life.
“I’d have to be deaf and blind not to hear and read the news, but I just don’t see how your parents could miss the fact that they have a truly remarkable son.” She rolled her eyes as she belatedly realized what she’d said. “I mean that from a career achievement point of view, of course. Because even when I hated you, I couldn’t quite bring myself to hate your songs.”
Compliments were a dime a dozen for Ford. But hearing Mia call him remarkable meant more than a million accolades from fans ever could.
“My parents dislike every single song I’ve ever written and performed,” he said with perfect certainty. “Rock music breaks every rule I was bred to follow. Hell, even bringing an oboe into a string quartet is pushing it for them.”
Her mouth tipped up a teeny bit in each corner as she said, “And you love breaking those rules, don’t you?”
He smiled back at her. “I first picked up an electric guitar to hurt them the way they’d hurt me. And the honest truth is that the first time I turned that amp up to eleven and hit the A chord so that it shook the walls all the way down the hall to the formal dining room where they were having a dinner party, is still one of my favorite memories. I had no idea music would save my life by finally giving me something to love. But even though it saved me for so many years, I realized too late that it isn’t enough.”
“You have millions of fans. Everyone around the world loves your songs. How can that not be enough?”
“Because music can’t tell me when I’m being a self-obsessed jerk. Music can’t light up my day with nothing more than a smile. Music can’t love me back. And—” He paused to gently caress her cheek. “—music will never be you.”
Back when they were lovers, Ford had been amazed by the way Mia could let herself be strong in one moment, then soft and pliable the next. Today, with her emotions running high from the wedding, he sensed that he could easily push her into not just another kiss, but so much more. Ford desperately wanted to feel her bare skin against his, needed so badly to hear those beautiful, breathless sounds she made when she came apart in his arms.
But he needed a future with her more than he needed a few fleeting moments of pleasure that would surely end with all of her walls back up.
“I want us to start over fresh, Mia.” He reached out to tip her chin up with his finger so that she had to look him in the eye. “No ultimatums this time. I know you’re going to need time for me to convince you that I can be the man you need me to be.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” She looked truly shocked by her realization that he meant every word he’d said to her since Friday morning. “You actually didn’t set up the showing at the tower house to mess with me for a laugh, did you?”
“I’ve never been more serious about anyone or anything in my life, Mia. I want you back.”
“Why do you keep pushing when I’ve already said no so many times?”
“Because what I see in your eyes, and what I feel in your touch, have both told me something else entirely.”
