Ham didn’t want to come and he’d explained why. He figured I’d have the strength to fight the fight but I’d also have the patience if Zander was an entity out there I knew existed and wanted to connect with. But if he became real, in other words, I saw him, that patience would vanish and Nina had told us this wasn’t exactly a quick process so we’d both need lots of it.
But it had been four days. Four days of knowing he wasn’t too far away. Four days of knowing he was out there, living with Aunt Wilona, breathing, eating, studying, doing kid shit.
Four very long days.
I couldn’t wait any longer.
So when I searched the Internet and found the name of the only private school in three counties, one close to where Aunt Wilona lived, I’d told Ham I was going. He told me it was too soon. I told him I was going even if he didn’t go with me. Ham explained why it was too soon. I told him that made sense, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Then I grabbed my purse and keys.
So Ham took me.
“Zara, baby, it’s not too late. We can—” Ham started.
But I interrupted him by breathing, “Oh my God.”
My heart slid up in my throat, choking me.
There he was.
Oh my God, there he was.
He looked like Dad.
Which meant he looked like me.
But he was already tall, not like me, like Dad. He was also lean and straight, his navy-blue blazer fitting well on him. He wore his charcoal-gray trousers casually, like they were jeans. And he had a graceful gait, like he already was in command of his little man’s body.
And, last, he was laughing and walking with a bunch of boys as other kids called to them.
He had a posse. He had friends. He was clearly popular.
Like his Mom.
“Oh my God,” I repeated, my body stringing tight with the effort it took not to throw open the door and run to him.
As if he sensed it, Ham wrapped his fingers tight around my knee.
“Where is he?” Ham asked.
I barely controlled lifting my finger to point but said, “Right there. Blond hair, like mine. He’s got four boys with him. He’s almost to the end of the buses.”
I knew Ham spotted him when he muttered, “Fuck, looks just like you.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, my eyes glued to the boy who was making the motions of saying good-bye to his friends.
After he looked both ways, I watched him jog across the street. I craned my neck and then watched as he climbed into an SUV with Aunt Wilona behind the wheel.
My heart, still in my throat, started burning, swelling, and I was finding it difficult to breathe.
I watched Zander smile at my aunt and then put on his seatbelt.
Aunt Wilona smiled back and eased the car into the street.
I stared as they passed us. Neither of them turned to look, not that Zander would know who he was seeing. But they were gabbing to each other, sharing their days, like they probably did every day after school since kindergarten.
“Get us out of here, Ham,” I ordered, my voice husky and unsteady. “Get us out of here now.”
Ham wasted no time turning the ignition and moving into traffic.
“Okay, that was a bad idea,” I admitted softly when we were on our way.
“Fuck,” Ham replied.
“A really bad idea,” I stated.
“Knew that’d wreck you. Fuck,” Ham murmured.
“I think I’m gonna cry,” I told him.
“Do it,” Ham invited.
“I hurt all over,” I shared and I did. The pain was radiating out of my throat, blocking every pore.
“Baby.”
My eyes filled with tears. “He’s beautiful, Ham.”
Ham said nothing but his hand came back to my knee.
“She’d be so proud,” I whispered then I lost it.
Leaning forward, I buried my face in my hands and my shoulders started shaking with silent sobs.
About a second later, the truck was at the side of the road, my seatbelt was gone, and I was pulled across the cab and in Ham’s arms.
He held me until my emotion was spent and he kept holding me when, lips at my ear, he stated gently, “From now on, cookie, you gotta listen to me, okay?”
I nodded.
“This is gonna be hard enough, don’t make it harder,” he went on.
I nodded again.
“You listen to me, swear to Christ, honey, I’ll break my back to make that hard as easy on you as it can be.”
Every day in every way I loved this man more and more.
“Okay, darlin’,” I whispered.
“Now kiss me, napkins in the glove compartment, clean up, and let’s get you a mile-high mud pie at The Mark,” he finished.
I smiled a shaky smile into his neck.
Graham Reece so knew me.
I pulled back and gave him my shaky smile before I gave him a light kiss. Then I pulled away, cleaned up my face, and Ham took me to The Mark, where I could mute my sorrow in chocolate cake, fudge frosting, whipped chocolate mousse, and ice cream.
And although The Mark’s mud pie was amazing, what muted my sorrow was the hope that, one day, I’d be sitting there with Ham and Zander, watching my nephew eat one, too.
* * *
Reece
Reece stood in the doorway to the kitchen, shoulder resting against the jamb, eyes aimed through the living room to the doors of the balcony where he saw his girl sitting outside, feet up on the railing, beer in her hand, gaze on the mountains.
He had his phone in his hand. He looked down at it, hit the button, glued his eyes back to his woman, and put the phone to his ear.
“Reece, how’s everything?” Nina asked in his ear.
“We had a situation today,” Reece replied. “Zara couldn’t wait anymore. We went to Zander’s school to see if we could spot him. We did. She lost it.”
“Oh dear,” Nina murmured.
“We need to discuss a new strategy,” Reece informed her.
“And that would be?” she asked cautiously.
“She’s holdin’ it together but I ’spect that’s gonna dissolve. If we gotta make concessions without harmin’ the end goal, we’re gonna have to do that. But we need to get them to agree to arrange for a meeting with Zara and Zander and then regular visits.”
There was a long, weighty pause Reece did not like before Nina shared, “I received word from Xavier Cinders’ attorney today, Reece, and I’m sure it won’t surprise you that they’re already taking a hard line.”
She was right, it didn’t surprise him. But it did piss him off.
“Explain that,” he ordered.
But it had been four days. Four days of knowing he wasn’t too far away. Four days of knowing he was out there, living with Aunt Wilona, breathing, eating, studying, doing kid shit.
Four very long days.
I couldn’t wait any longer.
So when I searched the Internet and found the name of the only private school in three counties, one close to where Aunt Wilona lived, I’d told Ham I was going. He told me it was too soon. I told him I was going even if he didn’t go with me. Ham explained why it was too soon. I told him that made sense, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Then I grabbed my purse and keys.
So Ham took me.
“Zara, baby, it’s not too late. We can—” Ham started.
But I interrupted him by breathing, “Oh my God.”
My heart slid up in my throat, choking me.
There he was.
Oh my God, there he was.
He looked like Dad.
Which meant he looked like me.
But he was already tall, not like me, like Dad. He was also lean and straight, his navy-blue blazer fitting well on him. He wore his charcoal-gray trousers casually, like they were jeans. And he had a graceful gait, like he already was in command of his little man’s body.
And, last, he was laughing and walking with a bunch of boys as other kids called to them.
He had a posse. He had friends. He was clearly popular.
Like his Mom.
“Oh my God,” I repeated, my body stringing tight with the effort it took not to throw open the door and run to him.
As if he sensed it, Ham wrapped his fingers tight around my knee.
“Where is he?” Ham asked.
I barely controlled lifting my finger to point but said, “Right there. Blond hair, like mine. He’s got four boys with him. He’s almost to the end of the buses.”
I knew Ham spotted him when he muttered, “Fuck, looks just like you.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, my eyes glued to the boy who was making the motions of saying good-bye to his friends.
After he looked both ways, I watched him jog across the street. I craned my neck and then watched as he climbed into an SUV with Aunt Wilona behind the wheel.
My heart, still in my throat, started burning, swelling, and I was finding it difficult to breathe.
I watched Zander smile at my aunt and then put on his seatbelt.
Aunt Wilona smiled back and eased the car into the street.
I stared as they passed us. Neither of them turned to look, not that Zander would know who he was seeing. But they were gabbing to each other, sharing their days, like they probably did every day after school since kindergarten.
“Get us out of here, Ham,” I ordered, my voice husky and unsteady. “Get us out of here now.”
Ham wasted no time turning the ignition and moving into traffic.
“Okay, that was a bad idea,” I admitted softly when we were on our way.
“Fuck,” Ham replied.
“A really bad idea,” I stated.
“Knew that’d wreck you. Fuck,” Ham murmured.
“I think I’m gonna cry,” I told him.
“Do it,” Ham invited.
“I hurt all over,” I shared and I did. The pain was radiating out of my throat, blocking every pore.
“Baby.”
My eyes filled with tears. “He’s beautiful, Ham.”
Ham said nothing but his hand came back to my knee.
“She’d be so proud,” I whispered then I lost it.
Leaning forward, I buried my face in my hands and my shoulders started shaking with silent sobs.
About a second later, the truck was at the side of the road, my seatbelt was gone, and I was pulled across the cab and in Ham’s arms.
He held me until my emotion was spent and he kept holding me when, lips at my ear, he stated gently, “From now on, cookie, you gotta listen to me, okay?”
I nodded.
“This is gonna be hard enough, don’t make it harder,” he went on.
I nodded again.
“You listen to me, swear to Christ, honey, I’ll break my back to make that hard as easy on you as it can be.”
Every day in every way I loved this man more and more.
“Okay, darlin’,” I whispered.
“Now kiss me, napkins in the glove compartment, clean up, and let’s get you a mile-high mud pie at The Mark,” he finished.
I smiled a shaky smile into his neck.
Graham Reece so knew me.
I pulled back and gave him my shaky smile before I gave him a light kiss. Then I pulled away, cleaned up my face, and Ham took me to The Mark, where I could mute my sorrow in chocolate cake, fudge frosting, whipped chocolate mousse, and ice cream.
And although The Mark’s mud pie was amazing, what muted my sorrow was the hope that, one day, I’d be sitting there with Ham and Zander, watching my nephew eat one, too.
* * *
Reece
Reece stood in the doorway to the kitchen, shoulder resting against the jamb, eyes aimed through the living room to the doors of the balcony where he saw his girl sitting outside, feet up on the railing, beer in her hand, gaze on the mountains.
He had his phone in his hand. He looked down at it, hit the button, glued his eyes back to his woman, and put the phone to his ear.
“Reece, how’s everything?” Nina asked in his ear.
“We had a situation today,” Reece replied. “Zara couldn’t wait anymore. We went to Zander’s school to see if we could spot him. We did. She lost it.”
“Oh dear,” Nina murmured.
“We need to discuss a new strategy,” Reece informed her.
“And that would be?” she asked cautiously.
“She’s holdin’ it together but I ’spect that’s gonna dissolve. If we gotta make concessions without harmin’ the end goal, we’re gonna have to do that. But we need to get them to agree to arrange for a meeting with Zara and Zander and then regular visits.”
There was a long, weighty pause Reece did not like before Nina shared, “I received word from Xavier Cinders’ attorney today, Reece, and I’m sure it won’t surprise you that they’re already taking a hard line.”
She was right, it didn’t surprise him. But it did piss him off.
“Explain that,” he ordered.
