Jake Undone
Page 37

I can’t lose you.
I closed my eyes and listened to the heartbeat one last time before they took the machine away. I never wanted to forget the sound that would replay in my mind over and over, from this day forward, becoming the soundtrack of my life.
CHAPTER 30
NINA
ONE YEAR LATER
I dreaded Saturday because that was the day he always went to see her. I tried really hard not to feel bitter and always smiled when he left, but some days were harder than others. He was only doing what was right, and he shouldn’t have had to feel bad about it. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decision to be with him; she was always going to be part of the deal.
It helped a little that I knew in my heart that he would have much rather stayed home. It was written all over his face and I could feel it in the intensity of the last kiss he’d give me before he’d walk out the door. But it was impossible to love him like crazy and not feel some jealousy over his spending time with his ex-wife. It wasn’t like he was visiting a sister. This was someone he had loved and made love to, even if it was a long time ago. She had experienced some of the same things I had with him and that made me uneasy.
At the same time, I felt sorry for her, because I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes, having to see Jake week after week, knowing that his heart belonged to someone else. She couldn’t have possibly loved him as much as I did, because I could never handle that. Maybe her mind was so far gone sometimes, that it didn’t bother her as much as it should have. I had never met her, probably never would…but I did feel for her.
This arrangement was a little easier, now that we lived in Boston. We have been temporarily staying in the guest room at his sister’s house until we could find an apartment. Jake was finally able to find a job worth leaving New York for. Being here certainly made Saturdays less painful because it meant I would never have to go twenty-four hours without him again. I knew that when he went to see her, he would be back with me by early evening and in my bed at night.
The ironic thing was, as much as his going to her bothered me…it made me love him even more. It showed me how deeply devoted he was to the people he cared about, and it was proof he would treat me the same. Some of the stories he had told me—what Ivy had said and done to him over the years when she wasn’t in her right mind—were horrifying, which made his unwavering dedication even more remarkable.
Lately, the routine was the same every Saturday. He would get up, shower, we’d have breakfast together, and then he would leave for the day to go see her. Today, that pattern was going to be broken, because I wasn’t ready to share him.
Jake was sitting up at the edge of our bed, about to get up. His hair was getting longer and was sticking out in all directions. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and was sporting a five o’clock shadow. Some might call it messy, but to me, he looked hot as hell, better than ever. I had the perfect view of the tribal tattoo on the side of his torso, the one that always teased me. His skin was more tan than usual from working out in the yard, payment to his sister for letting us live here for the time being. My attraction to him had only grown stronger over time, but lately I had been depressed, stuck inside my own head, self-conscious and had stopped giving him what he needed. Right now, though, I was seeing things very clearly, almost too much so, feeling possessive and wanting him to make love to me more than anything. It felt like my mind was coming out of a fog. It had been a while since I had really showed him how much I wanted him. I was not going to let him leave here with any shred of doubt about that.
“Hey,” I nudged his back with my foot.
He turned to me and put his hand on my leg, rubbing it gently. His voice was groggy. “Hey…I thought you were sleeping.”
“Don’t leave just yet. Stay.”
He saw the look on my face, and his eyes bugged out of his head. “Are you sure?”
I pulled the sheets off of myself revealing my fully na**d body. He hadn’t seen me like that, in the light of day, in months. “Yes. Get over here.”
He let out a long unsteady breath, and within seconds, he was on top of me. His skin was warm, and he was fully hard as he covered me with soft kisses from my neck down to my stomach. “I have been dying, baby. I missed this. I missed you. God…I love…your body,” he whispered in between breaths, kissing his way back up to my mouth.
I wanted to tell him how badly I missed this too but couldn’t speak, having become completely absorbed in him once his lips covered mine. The kiss started out slow, then he nudged my mouth open greedily, and it became desperate as if we were competing with each other to prove who wanted the other more.
He broke away just long enough to say, “I need to be inside of you…right now…please…”
I nodded through our kiss, and he spread my legs open, entering me without further permission. I gasped at the feeling, made more intense by weeks of absence. I had been cruel, undeserving of this reward…of him. It felt better than I ever remembered it.
It had been too damn long.
He moved inside of me fast and hard; there was no option to be gentle after the long torturous wait I had put him through. He groaned deeply from the back of his throat, and it was loud. He bit my shoulder to stifle the sounds of his pleasure, defeating the purpose, because the feel of his teeth biting into me made me moan even louder than he had.
Then, as if on cue, came the cries from across the room.
No.
No.
No.
Not yet.
Jake spoke into my neck and pushed deeper into me in retaliation. “Fuck…not now. I can’t stop.”
The crying became louder.
“Shit. Jake…I have to get him. He never woke up for his four-am feeding. He’s hungry.”
“So am I,” he said hoarsely in my ear. Still inside of me, his movements slowed as he conceded defeat, eventually pulling out.
“I know…I’m sorry.”
I searched for my robe as Jake got up, threw his pants on and walked over to the corner of the room, lifting our son out of the crib. A.J.’s dark hair was sticking up, wild and crazy, just like his daddy’s. Jake kissed him on the head. “I love you, you little cockblocker.”
I laughed as I sat up against the headboard and grabbed the Boppy pillow, as he handed me the baby and placed him on my breast. A.J. immediately started suckling, and I was glad at least one of my guys was happy for the moment.
He sat next to me, and we both looked down at our son in awe, then up at each other. Jake’s unsatisfied desire for me still shown all over his eyes when they met mine. He caressed my other breast gently with the back of his index finger. “You have never looked more beautiful to me as you do right now,” he said before laying his head on my shoulder.
I wanted so badly to pick up in the shower where we left off, once A.J had been fed, but Jake was already running late. On top of that, I had asked him to come home early, because we would be leaving for a visit to New York this afternoon. It would be our first time back since A.J was born.
“I need to go,” he said.
“I know.” I nodded, offering a slight smile, determined not to show my sadness.
He got up from the bed and walked toward the bathroom, turning around and gesturing down to his pants. He was still hard. “I have to take care of this in the shower real quick.” He snarled. “I’d rather be taking care of it inside of you.”
I smiled. “Rain check?”
He walked back over to the bed and kneeled over me, kissing my forehead. “I am so glad you’re feeling better.”
“Me too.”
His eyes smoldered, and his expression turned serious. “I’m using that rain check tonight. I want you…all to myself. Promise me.”
I want you now. I want you to stay. I hate it when you leave me to go see her.
“I promise.”
He shook his head, and his eyes looked watery. “I love you so much, Nina.”
I knew that my behavior lately had scared him. Really scared him. He thought he was losing me. Hell, I thought I was losing myself.
“I love you, too.”
With no time for breakfast, he showered and left but not before stopping to kiss A.J. and me goodbye, lingering longer than usual this time.
I looked down at our son, who was now falling asleep on my breast, his mouth moving slowly but no longer drinking. “It’s just you and me, Bubs. What do you want to do today?” I bent down to kiss his head as his breathing slowed. “I think you’re doing it right now.”
Alan James was named after Jake’s father and my brother Jimmy. He was born six months ago after a difficult pregnancy that forced me to drop out of nursing school. The majority of it was spent on bed rest, and it ended in a planned c-section, due to the placenta previa, which hadn’t ever corrected itself. The recovery from surgery was tough. We had just moved to Boston right before A.J arrived, because Jake had to start his new job. Even though my mother had come to stay with us for the first two weeks, after she left, it was a really tough adjustment. Jake’s sister, Allison, has been great and tries to help give me a break when she’s not working, but living here, as big as their house is, was not the ideal situation. We really needed our own space, but it’s been difficult to find something affordable close to Jake’s family, which is what we want. Six months later, we were still living in his sister’s house, but it’s helped us work towards saving up for our own home.
My parents hadn’t even met Jake yet when I had to tell them I was pregnant. They were extremely upset at first, but eventually, they accepted everything. After getting to know him, they have warmed up to him somewhat. My relationship with Ryan is still rocky, although he and Jake talked everything out one night but not before Jake decked him in the heat of the moment. Ryan and Tarah have since broken up, and she moved out of the apartment. She and I still talk on the phone but have grown apart somewhat since A.J. was born. Ryan is now living with three brand new roommates.
Basically, my entire life was turned upside down in the course of a year. Looking down at my son, peacefully sleeping in my arms, he was the spitting image of his father. I knew everything ended up the way it was meant to. As difficult as all of these transitions have been, they’ve helped me grow as a person.
My only real regret was how I’ve treated Jake over the past couple of months as a result of what my doctor diagnosed as postpartum depression. Even though I seemed to be coming out of it now, when it was at its worst, I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I was convinced my body was ruined from the baby, even though he assured me that he had never wanted me more and that I was more beautiful than ever to him.
I had also felt really inadequate as a mother and began worrying that I couldn’t properly take care of my son. I would have nightmares about harming him that would keep me up at night. I was left alone a lot during the day and had too much time to think. It felt like I was going crazy. But with a light dose of medication that the doctor says is safe to use while breastfeeding, along with a weekly therapy session, I’ve felt a lot better lately. Apparently, with my history of anxiety issues and the hormonal changes I was going through, it was the perfect storm.
Jake had really wanted to get married before our son was born, but his divorce wasn’t finalized until two months after. Even then, I told him it was too early to get married, so soon after his divorce. He and I fought about it, because he felt that I doubted his love for me or that there might have been something else holding me back because of the way I had been acting. I realize now that my feelings at the time were a direct result of the postpartum depression. Lately, he’s backed off completely from the marriage issue. The last fight we had, he vowed never to bring it up again for as long as he lived. I almost wished he would, because now I worry that he’s moved past it. And I do want to be his wife…badly. When he walked out that door today, I wished so much that I was.
That ship may have sailed, though. My strong reluctance to make it legal as soon as we were able to, really upset him. During one argument, I had accused him of only wanting to marry me because of the baby. I knew that was a low blow and never really believed that. This was around the same time I stopped letting him touch me, at the height of the depression. One night, he came home late from work. I had just put the baby down to sleep, when he walked in and backed me up against the wall into a passionate kiss. Then, he held up his hand. He had tattooed my name around his ring finger and said with tears in his eyes, “You won’t make it permanent…well, I just did.” That had killed me inside, but my head still wasn’t in a good enough place then to make it right.
Thank God, I was coming out of it now and could see so clearly how lucky I was.
I needed to make it right.
***
Jake made it home right on time and A.J. and I were waiting at the window.
When he walked in the door, I forced my usual question. “How was she?”
“She was okay today…in a good mood,” he said. “She didn’t kick me out.” He always searched my eyes to make sure he wasn’t upsetting me.
“Good.”
He hugged me tightly, and I felt his muscles relax in my arms. “Still feeling okay, baby?”
“Yeah…I am.” I smiled. “Really.”
“That makes me so happy.” He kissed me, moaning under his breath. “Let’s hit the road. I can’t get you in that hotel room tonight fast enough.”
“You better pray he sleeps then.”
“I’ll be spending the entire four hour drive praying for that, believe me.”
Since it was a Saturday, there was no rush hour traffic, and we made it to New York in under four hours. Jake held my hand the entire car ride, sneaking side glances more than usual, apparently waiting for the ball to drop, for my mood to change. It amazed me how his mood often depended on mine. If I was happy, so was he. It was just another testament to how strongly he loved me. At one point, he smiled and said, “Please tell me my baby is back.”