Just To Be With You
Page 49
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“So, you’re saying he didn’t push you to make a decision about the state of your relationship, but...” Tatiana paused to try to think of a subtle way to say the next part, but when she couldn’t, she finally just blurted, “Weren’t you guys having all kinds of wild and wicked sex the whole time you were working through things?”
“Given that you found us in the screening room that night on set,” Valentina said with a slightly embarrassed laugh, “I think we both know the answer to that question is a big, fat yes.”
“But why did you keep sleeping with Smith if you were unsure about sticking with him in the long run? Why didn’t you make yourself stay away, or tell him to keep his distance, until you’d made up your mind one way or the other?” When her sister didn’t answer right away, Tatiana belatedly realized she’d gone too far with her questions. Just like Ian always said she did. “I’m sorry. I know this is really personal stuff and I’m being way too nosy. You don’t have to answer any more of my questions about your sex life with Smith, obviously.”
“You can ask me anything, T. You know that. So don’t apologize. It’s just we’ve never really talked much about sex before, so I’m a little surprised.” Her sister paused for a beat before saying, “The answer is that I couldn’t stop myself from being with him. Smith is...well, you know how he is. Gorgeous. Sexy. Brilliant.”
“And totally, completely in love with you.”
“Yes, just as much as I finally admitted I loved him. And the truth is that part of that realization of how much I loved him came because I simply couldn’t find a way to resist going to bed with him, even when I was certain that I needed to. At first, I tried to call what we were doing just sex, just a fling, a way to let off steam, but I think I always knew I was lying to myself. I never realized how closely connected the body and heart are until I met him.”
Tatiana felt as though the light bulb went back on inside of her, then, burning more brightly now than it ever had before. That deep connection between her heart and her body was precisely why she’d never slept with anyone before Ian. Because she simply couldn’t have given her body to a man who didn’t also have her heart.
From the answers her sister had just given her, Tatiana now knew that while Smith had given Valentina space to accept her feelings for him, he’d also been smart enough to keep their physical connection burning hot and steady so that her sister couldn’t shut herself off from him.
Tatiana had said it herself in the limo on the night of the gala—Ian wasn’t a man who changed his mind easily. She hadn’t planned to use sex to change his mind. But while she was giving him the space to come around to realizing he could risk loving her without hurting either of them, was it so wrong to hope that their intense attraction and sensual connection would help him see the light a little sooner?
“Tatiana?” Her name was mostly static. “My connection’s just gotten bad. Are you still there?”
Before they were cut off, Tatiana quickly said, “Thank you, Val. For everything.”
All her life, her big sister had protected her and guided her toward making good decisions. Yet again, Valentina had helped her. More than she even knew.
Tatiana could now see that she’d been naïve to believe that she could heal Ian’s past and show him that it was safe to love her in one short week. But while she wasn’t naïve anymore...she wasn’t giving up, either.
And now, thanks to this conversation with her sister, she knew exactly what she needed to do.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
By Monday morning, the skies that had been so clear all weekend had turned a dark purple-gray. Just as dark as Ian’s mood.
All weekend long, he had firmed his resolve to keep his distance from Tatiana. Again and again, when she crept into his mind, he pushed thoughts of her away. Discipline. Determination. Focus. Work. That was all he’d ever needed to get himself back on track, he reminded himself as his driver pulled up on the tarmac behind his private plane. Surely, if he just kept his eye on the ball, he’d eventually be able to forget her. Especially now that he wouldn’t be seeing her every single day anymore. By the time they met again at a family dinner or party, he would have his head back on straight...and his life back on track with no emotional or romantic entanglements screwing with things.
And if he missed her, if the week already felt too empty, too dark, too wrong without her, well, that was just too damned bad, because—
What the hell?
He blinked hard to clear his vision, but when he looked again, Tatiana was still standing beside his plane chatting with his pilots, David and Linda. She had a medium-sized canvas bag slung over her shoulder and was wearing dark jeans, a blue and white striped sweater, and flat-heeled black boots that ended just below the knee.
Clearly, she was planning on making the trip to Alaska with him.
As soon as he stepped out of the town car, Tatiana turned to greet him. “Good morning, Ian.”
She looked truly happy to see him, her expression as bright and sunny as ever. Just as happy as the sudden leap of his heart in his chest proved he was to see her.
He’d told her to go shadow someone else, but she hadn’t listened. Talk about determination. He could learn something from her.
“Good morning, Tatiana.”
Knowing he couldn’t ask her what she was doing there in front of his pilots without embarrassing her, he turned to greet them, as well. They’d come with him to England years ago and then had followed him back to Seattle, but he hadn’t seen them since their return to the States.
“Are you both settling back in to life in Seattle all right?”
“Everything’s great,” David said.
“Thanks again for the maternity hospital recommendation you got from your mother.” Holding her husband’s hand, Linda was radiant. “We just did the tour yesterday and it looks amazing.”
“Oh, how lovely that you’re pregnant!” Tatiana exclaimed. “When are you due?”
“In five months. We’ve been trying for a while, so we’re very excited.”
“Do you know yet if you’re having a boy or a girl?”
David drew Linda closer as she said, “We want to be surprised.”
“I would, too,” Tatiana agreed. “I love surprises, and that would be one of the very best.”
Knowing Linda had had some trouble with morning sickness in her first trimester, Ian asked, “Are you feeling back to your normal self yet?”
“Given that you found us in the screening room that night on set,” Valentina said with a slightly embarrassed laugh, “I think we both know the answer to that question is a big, fat yes.”
“But why did you keep sleeping with Smith if you were unsure about sticking with him in the long run? Why didn’t you make yourself stay away, or tell him to keep his distance, until you’d made up your mind one way or the other?” When her sister didn’t answer right away, Tatiana belatedly realized she’d gone too far with her questions. Just like Ian always said she did. “I’m sorry. I know this is really personal stuff and I’m being way too nosy. You don’t have to answer any more of my questions about your sex life with Smith, obviously.”
“You can ask me anything, T. You know that. So don’t apologize. It’s just we’ve never really talked much about sex before, so I’m a little surprised.” Her sister paused for a beat before saying, “The answer is that I couldn’t stop myself from being with him. Smith is...well, you know how he is. Gorgeous. Sexy. Brilliant.”
“And totally, completely in love with you.”
“Yes, just as much as I finally admitted I loved him. And the truth is that part of that realization of how much I loved him came because I simply couldn’t find a way to resist going to bed with him, even when I was certain that I needed to. At first, I tried to call what we were doing just sex, just a fling, a way to let off steam, but I think I always knew I was lying to myself. I never realized how closely connected the body and heart are until I met him.”
Tatiana felt as though the light bulb went back on inside of her, then, burning more brightly now than it ever had before. That deep connection between her heart and her body was precisely why she’d never slept with anyone before Ian. Because she simply couldn’t have given her body to a man who didn’t also have her heart.
From the answers her sister had just given her, Tatiana now knew that while Smith had given Valentina space to accept her feelings for him, he’d also been smart enough to keep their physical connection burning hot and steady so that her sister couldn’t shut herself off from him.
Tatiana had said it herself in the limo on the night of the gala—Ian wasn’t a man who changed his mind easily. She hadn’t planned to use sex to change his mind. But while she was giving him the space to come around to realizing he could risk loving her without hurting either of them, was it so wrong to hope that their intense attraction and sensual connection would help him see the light a little sooner?
“Tatiana?” Her name was mostly static. “My connection’s just gotten bad. Are you still there?”
Before they were cut off, Tatiana quickly said, “Thank you, Val. For everything.”
All her life, her big sister had protected her and guided her toward making good decisions. Yet again, Valentina had helped her. More than she even knew.
Tatiana could now see that she’d been naïve to believe that she could heal Ian’s past and show him that it was safe to love her in one short week. But while she wasn’t naïve anymore...she wasn’t giving up, either.
And now, thanks to this conversation with her sister, she knew exactly what she needed to do.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
By Monday morning, the skies that had been so clear all weekend had turned a dark purple-gray. Just as dark as Ian’s mood.
All weekend long, he had firmed his resolve to keep his distance from Tatiana. Again and again, when she crept into his mind, he pushed thoughts of her away. Discipline. Determination. Focus. Work. That was all he’d ever needed to get himself back on track, he reminded himself as his driver pulled up on the tarmac behind his private plane. Surely, if he just kept his eye on the ball, he’d eventually be able to forget her. Especially now that he wouldn’t be seeing her every single day anymore. By the time they met again at a family dinner or party, he would have his head back on straight...and his life back on track with no emotional or romantic entanglements screwing with things.
And if he missed her, if the week already felt too empty, too dark, too wrong without her, well, that was just too damned bad, because—
What the hell?
He blinked hard to clear his vision, but when he looked again, Tatiana was still standing beside his plane chatting with his pilots, David and Linda. She had a medium-sized canvas bag slung over her shoulder and was wearing dark jeans, a blue and white striped sweater, and flat-heeled black boots that ended just below the knee.
Clearly, she was planning on making the trip to Alaska with him.
As soon as he stepped out of the town car, Tatiana turned to greet him. “Good morning, Ian.”
She looked truly happy to see him, her expression as bright and sunny as ever. Just as happy as the sudden leap of his heart in his chest proved he was to see her.
He’d told her to go shadow someone else, but she hadn’t listened. Talk about determination. He could learn something from her.
“Good morning, Tatiana.”
Knowing he couldn’t ask her what she was doing there in front of his pilots without embarrassing her, he turned to greet them, as well. They’d come with him to England years ago and then had followed him back to Seattle, but he hadn’t seen them since their return to the States.
“Are you both settling back in to life in Seattle all right?”
“Everything’s great,” David said.
“Thanks again for the maternity hospital recommendation you got from your mother.” Holding her husband’s hand, Linda was radiant. “We just did the tour yesterday and it looks amazing.”
“Oh, how lovely that you’re pregnant!” Tatiana exclaimed. “When are you due?”
“In five months. We’ve been trying for a while, so we’re very excited.”
“Do you know yet if you’re having a boy or a girl?”
David drew Linda closer as she said, “We want to be surprised.”
“I would, too,” Tatiana agreed. “I love surprises, and that would be one of the very best.”
Knowing Linda had had some trouble with morning sickness in her first trimester, Ian asked, “Are you feeling back to your normal self yet?”
