All of it gone.
And then, on Tommy’s one-month birthday, so was she.
I woke up to him crying in the middle of the night. I searched the house for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I even knocked on her parent’s bedroom door and asked them where she was. They said they had no idea and went back to sleep. All the while my baby cried, hungry, in my arms.
I tried to call her.
She didn’t answer.
I looked for her car.
It wasn’t there.
Then I saw it: the note on the nightstand next to the framed picture of my family.
I’m sorry, Josh. I just couldn’t do it.
It’d only been two weeks since Natalie took off when her parents asked to talk to me. I was still living in their basement, eating their food, using their water and electricity. I’d never asked for more of them. In fact, they barely even looked at their grandchild. “I know this is hard, Josh,” Gloria, Natalie’s mom, started. “But we didn’t agree to this living arrangement.” I stared down at my son, not even two months old, sleeping peacefully in my arms. He had it tough for a few days after Natalie left. I had to buy special formula to wean him off the breast milk. He didn’t take too well to it. I had gone through three different brands before I found one that he could actually keep down. I’d stopped going to school. Hunter—he came around to bring my homework, even though he knew I wouldn’t do it. Honestly, I think he came just to see Tommy. He was kind of obsessed with the kid.
“Josh?” Gloria said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I hope you understand.”
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t understand how anyone could turn their backs on their family… and yet here I was—facing nothing but backs.
I nodded and pushed back the tears threatening to fall. Never looking up from my son, I asked, “Have you heard from her?”
William, Natalie’s dad, cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said. “She asked for money.”
Silence descended on the table, my mind reeling, my rage building. Then I finally spoke. “Did she ask about us?”
Gloria answered, “No, Joshua. She didn’t.”
William stood up, bringing my attention to him. He pulled out his wallet and dumped two hundred-dollar bills in front of me.
“Thank you,” I said, standing up and grabbing the cash.
I called Hunter once I was in my room packing everything I thought we’d need.
“Where to?” he asked after I’d installed Tommy’s car seat in his car and sat in the back with him.
“Home, I guess.”
My dad slammed the door in my face. My mom cried.
When I got back in the car, Hunter looked pissed. “I’ll be back,” he said, and marched up to my parent’s front door. He pushed it open and walked past my dad, slamming the door behind him.
I don’t know what they spoke about, but it was loud. Mom cried harder. Dad yelled louder, but Hunter—he yelled the loudest.
We went to a hotel. Hunter paid for a week in advance on his mom’s credit card. “She’s too tanked to even know it’s missing,” he told me.
I didn’t argue.
After we unloaded his car and he helped us settle into the room, he sat on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slumped and head bent.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”
He looked up at me and I could see the sympathy behind his glazed eyes. “I hate that this is happening to you.”
I sighed. “Tell you what…” I removed Tommy from his car seat and handed him to Hunter. Hunter looked down at him, smiling as soon as my son was in his arms. “Look at him, Hunter. Look at him from my eyes and tell me any of this isn’t worth it.”
Hunter let me borrow his car, opting to skate anywhere he needed.
Thank God for Hunter.
I spent the week looking for jobs. Turns out no one wanted to hire a seventeen-year-old high school dropout who brought their baby to interviews.
Even though two hundred dollars seems like a lot—it’s not, especially when you have a baby.
“Your card’s been declined,” the clerk behind the register said.
My heart stopped. “What?”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
I took out my wallet and fished around for cash. I had a twenty but that wouldn’t cover what I needed. I looked at the formula, wipes, and diapers sitting on the register, trying to decide which one I needed less. “Take out the wipes.”
She shook her head. “Still not enough.”
I ignored the grumbles from people in the line behind me. My heart was thumping now, finally cracking under the pressure. “I need the formula and diapers,” I pleaded with her, knowing it was useless.
She shrugged again. “Sorry.”
She wasn’t sorry. She didn’t give a fuck.
“Fine. Just the formula.”
I walked to my car in a complete daze, wondering what the hell else I could possibly do. I searched the diaper bag in the trunk of Hunter’s car, hoping Natalie may have hidden an emergency stash. Nothing. I searched my plastic bag of clothes and found an old T-shirt. I looked from the shirt, to Tommy, and back again. And then I had no choice but to use it as a diaper. I had no idea how to wrap it, or what to do, and this wouldn’t last long before he needed to be changed again.
I needed money.
And I needed it fast.
Then I saw it—hiding beneath Tommy’s port-a-crib. My IXO longboard. I’d saved up almost a year just to drop $1500 on it. I’d used it to compete in street comps. It was my pride and joy pre-Tommy.
I pulled it out without a thought and finished dressing him, then walked to Deck and Check, the skate shop two doors down from the grocery store.
“I’ll give you fifty for it,” Aiden said from behind the glass counter.
“Bullshit, Aiden, you know what this is worth.”
Aiden leaned forward to examine the board again. “I get it, Josh. But the punks around here—they don’t care for this kind of shit. Only you do.”
Tommy started crying.
I tried to soothe him.
Aiden added, “You’re the only one around here that knows what this is worth. I don’t want it for myself, and I can’t sell it. I’ll give you a hundred.”
I felt my heart tighten. Another crack. Tommy cried harder.
“Aiden, please!” I begged. “A hundred won’t cover his diapers. I need diapers. I need gas. I need a place to fucking sleep tonight. You gotta help me out, bro. Please.”
Aiden stood taller. “I feel for you, Josh, but this is my business. One fifty. That’s it.”
Tommy was wailing now.
I dropped my gaze. “One fifty will barely get me a hotel room.”
“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.
“Fine.”
I took his cash and in return, I said goodbye to my old life.
I bumped into someone waiting behind me, apologized, and walked out the doors to my uncertain future.
I took three steps around the corner and into an alley. And then I finally let the cracks from the pressure break me.
I placed Tommy, in his car seat, on the ground and I cursed.
And then, on Tommy’s one-month birthday, so was she.
I woke up to him crying in the middle of the night. I searched the house for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I even knocked on her parent’s bedroom door and asked them where she was. They said they had no idea and went back to sleep. All the while my baby cried, hungry, in my arms.
I tried to call her.
She didn’t answer.
I looked for her car.
It wasn’t there.
Then I saw it: the note on the nightstand next to the framed picture of my family.
I’m sorry, Josh. I just couldn’t do it.
It’d only been two weeks since Natalie took off when her parents asked to talk to me. I was still living in their basement, eating their food, using their water and electricity. I’d never asked for more of them. In fact, they barely even looked at their grandchild. “I know this is hard, Josh,” Gloria, Natalie’s mom, started. “But we didn’t agree to this living arrangement.” I stared down at my son, not even two months old, sleeping peacefully in my arms. He had it tough for a few days after Natalie left. I had to buy special formula to wean him off the breast milk. He didn’t take too well to it. I had gone through three different brands before I found one that he could actually keep down. I’d stopped going to school. Hunter—he came around to bring my homework, even though he knew I wouldn’t do it. Honestly, I think he came just to see Tommy. He was kind of obsessed with the kid.
“Josh?” Gloria said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I hope you understand.”
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t understand how anyone could turn their backs on their family… and yet here I was—facing nothing but backs.
I nodded and pushed back the tears threatening to fall. Never looking up from my son, I asked, “Have you heard from her?”
William, Natalie’s dad, cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said. “She asked for money.”
Silence descended on the table, my mind reeling, my rage building. Then I finally spoke. “Did she ask about us?”
Gloria answered, “No, Joshua. She didn’t.”
William stood up, bringing my attention to him. He pulled out his wallet and dumped two hundred-dollar bills in front of me.
“Thank you,” I said, standing up and grabbing the cash.
I called Hunter once I was in my room packing everything I thought we’d need.
“Where to?” he asked after I’d installed Tommy’s car seat in his car and sat in the back with him.
“Home, I guess.”
My dad slammed the door in my face. My mom cried.
When I got back in the car, Hunter looked pissed. “I’ll be back,” he said, and marched up to my parent’s front door. He pushed it open and walked past my dad, slamming the door behind him.
I don’t know what they spoke about, but it was loud. Mom cried harder. Dad yelled louder, but Hunter—he yelled the loudest.
We went to a hotel. Hunter paid for a week in advance on his mom’s credit card. “She’s too tanked to even know it’s missing,” he told me.
I didn’t argue.
After we unloaded his car and he helped us settle into the room, he sat on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slumped and head bent.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”
He looked up at me and I could see the sympathy behind his glazed eyes. “I hate that this is happening to you.”
I sighed. “Tell you what…” I removed Tommy from his car seat and handed him to Hunter. Hunter looked down at him, smiling as soon as my son was in his arms. “Look at him, Hunter. Look at him from my eyes and tell me any of this isn’t worth it.”
Hunter let me borrow his car, opting to skate anywhere he needed.
Thank God for Hunter.
I spent the week looking for jobs. Turns out no one wanted to hire a seventeen-year-old high school dropout who brought their baby to interviews.
Even though two hundred dollars seems like a lot—it’s not, especially when you have a baby.
“Your card’s been declined,” the clerk behind the register said.
My heart stopped. “What?”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
I took out my wallet and fished around for cash. I had a twenty but that wouldn’t cover what I needed. I looked at the formula, wipes, and diapers sitting on the register, trying to decide which one I needed less. “Take out the wipes.”
She shook her head. “Still not enough.”
I ignored the grumbles from people in the line behind me. My heart was thumping now, finally cracking under the pressure. “I need the formula and diapers,” I pleaded with her, knowing it was useless.
She shrugged again. “Sorry.”
She wasn’t sorry. She didn’t give a fuck.
“Fine. Just the formula.”
I walked to my car in a complete daze, wondering what the hell else I could possibly do. I searched the diaper bag in the trunk of Hunter’s car, hoping Natalie may have hidden an emergency stash. Nothing. I searched my plastic bag of clothes and found an old T-shirt. I looked from the shirt, to Tommy, and back again. And then I had no choice but to use it as a diaper. I had no idea how to wrap it, or what to do, and this wouldn’t last long before he needed to be changed again.
I needed money.
And I needed it fast.
Then I saw it—hiding beneath Tommy’s port-a-crib. My IXO longboard. I’d saved up almost a year just to drop $1500 on it. I’d used it to compete in street comps. It was my pride and joy pre-Tommy.
I pulled it out without a thought and finished dressing him, then walked to Deck and Check, the skate shop two doors down from the grocery store.
“I’ll give you fifty for it,” Aiden said from behind the glass counter.
“Bullshit, Aiden, you know what this is worth.”
Aiden leaned forward to examine the board again. “I get it, Josh. But the punks around here—they don’t care for this kind of shit. Only you do.”
Tommy started crying.
I tried to soothe him.
Aiden added, “You’re the only one around here that knows what this is worth. I don’t want it for myself, and I can’t sell it. I’ll give you a hundred.”
I felt my heart tighten. Another crack. Tommy cried harder.
“Aiden, please!” I begged. “A hundred won’t cover his diapers. I need diapers. I need gas. I need a place to fucking sleep tonight. You gotta help me out, bro. Please.”
Aiden stood taller. “I feel for you, Josh, but this is my business. One fifty. That’s it.”
Tommy was wailing now.
I dropped my gaze. “One fifty will barely get me a hotel room.”
“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.
“Fine.”
I took his cash and in return, I said goodbye to my old life.
I bumped into someone waiting behind me, apologized, and walked out the doors to my uncertain future.
I took three steps around the corner and into an alley. And then I finally let the cracks from the pressure break me.
I placed Tommy, in his car seat, on the ground and I cursed.
