My regrets.
And most of all, my past.
16
-Joshua-
I see the handle on my front door turn for the third time while I stand behind it, fighting a war in my head trying to decide what the right thing to do is. I’ve been hiding all day, skating the hours away at the half-court because I didn’t want to face her. “Josh?” Becca says, her voice barely audible. She knocks again. I curse under my breath and finally open the door, just enough to slip outside and close it behind me. For the first time since she moved here—I don’t want to see her and I sure as hell don’t want to be near her.
I keep my head lowered, my hands in my pockets, and I wait for her to speak—too afraid of what will come out if I do it first.
She takes a step back, then shuffles on her feet.
The silence between us so fucking deafening I almost turn around and go back inside. But then she speaks, and what she says makes me wish I had. “Where were you last night?”
I sigh, shaking my head slightly. “Is your friend gone now?”
“Yes,” she whispers.
“So it’s cool for you to acknowledge me now?”
“That’s why I came here…”
Finally, I look up at her, but she’s looking down at my feet, just like I had been. And I can feel it—the wall slamming between us. “You know, one of my biggest fears in life is that Tommy’s going to grow up being ashamed of who he is because of me. Because I couldn’t keep it in my pants and that’s how he came to.” I sniff once and push down the hurt she’d caused. “The thing is—it’s not me who’s going to make him feel like that, Becca. It’s the people around him who are going to judge him, who are going to belittle him, and who are going to make wrong assumptions about him. And it fucking destroys me to know that I’ll be the cause of that.” I lean against the door, my emotions making me too weak to stand. “So I try really hard to give him a life that’s better than all those shitty judgments. And when he starts school and has his friends over, I don’t want them to see the struggle that’d been his life—the struggles I’ve tried so hard to hide, the ones I’ve overcome to be who I am.” My voice strains against the pain of my words but I push forward, because she needs to know what she did and how much she hurt me. “I just want them to see me—a dad who’ll do anything for his kid. But people are assholes and they’ll choose not to see that. It’s going to be hard enough for him to make friends—not because he’s not an amazing kid—because he is, Becca, and you know that—but because the other kid’s parents are going to look down him because of me. And as much as it isn’t fair—as much as I wish it weren’t the case—it’s the truth. It’ll be hard for him to have friends over because of the stigma that comes with being a male looking after kids—and that’s going to be hard on him. I know that. And I don’t want that for him.” I clear my throat, barely able to speak. “I don’t want to have to hide who I am and what I’ve made of my life. I just want to be respected. That’s all. I know it isn’t always going to happen and I expect that.” I look up at her now, right into the eyes that had me falling for her from the first moment I saw her. “I just never expected that it’d be you—that you’d be the first to make me feel like that.”
Her eyes fill with tears as her mouth opens, but I don’t give her the chance to speak.
“Take care, all right?”
Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t speak.
She doesn’t make a move.
She just blinks, causing her tears to fall.
And it takes everything in me to not reach out.
To not touch her.
To not wipe away the tears so I can see her beautiful emerald eyes.
Then she nods once, her thumb in her mouth before turning away.
She leaves.
And I let her.
My eyes snap open when I hear Becca’s name. For a second I think I’m dreaming but I’m not, because it’s Chazarae voice and she’s screaming. “Becca! Stop!” I throw on my sweats, forget the shirt and, faster than I thought possible, sprint from my apartment to her house. I try to open the door, but it’s locked. “Chaz!” I shout, banging on the door.
“Becca! Please stop!” I hear, and I instantly know there’s no chance she can hear me. Through the darkness of the night, I feel around the top of her doorframe looking for the spare key. When I find it, I use it and run straight up the stairs.
“Please, Becca!” Chaz says, but she’s not shouting anymore. She’s crying, pleading.
Becca’s the first thing I see when I run into her room, she’s in the corner; her eyes squeezed shut and her legs kicking widely. Her thumb’s in her mouth again while Chazarae hovers above her.
“What happened?” I rush out, moving Chazarae out of the way.
“Josh,” she cries, her hand wiping the blood from her mouth.
I ignore Becca for a moment and hold Chaz’s face in my hands. Blood mixed with tears cover her chin. “Did she do this?”
“She didn’t mean it,” she sobs. “I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have touched her when she’s like this.”
“Like what?” I ask, looking back at Becca. Her eyes are still closed, but that doesn’t stop the tears from falling. She’s rocking back and forth, her free hand covering her head.
I drop to my knees and hesitate, just for a second, before touching her.
She squeals, her cry so loud it makes my ears ring.
“She’s having a nightmare,” Chaz cries. “I can’t snap her out of it.”
“Becca,” I whisper, but it does nothing. As gentle as I can, I touch her bare leg, trying not to spook her. She kicks out, her foot finding my knee.
“Stop,” she cries.
And everything inside me turns to stone. What the fuck happened to her to make her like this?
“I don’t know what to do.” Chazarae sobs, her hand on my shoulder.
“Becca. Baby, I need you to wake up.” I try to shake her shoulder but all it does is make her flinch, make her kick, and make her cry harder.
She grunts loudly and bites down harder on her thumb.
“What the hell’s she doing?” I ask, but it’s not really a question. At least not one that warrants an answer.
She kicks again, only this time I see it coming. I grab both her ankles and hold them together. She resists, using every bit of strength she possibly has to try to get out of my hold. The adrenaline pulses through me, beating wildly in my ears. “Becca.”
“She won’t hear you,” Chazarae cries while I quickly pick up Becca, one arm behind her knees, the other around her back. I carry her to her bed and rock her like a baby.
She fights.
With everything she has.
She fights me off her.
“Becca,” I whisper in her ear, “It’s Josh.” I wipe my tears caused by my guilt against her shoulder—because as much as I don’t want to admit it, I know. Deep down, I know I caused this.
I caused this beautiful, fragile girl to break.
A girl I’m pretty sure I’m in love with.
And most of all, my past.
16
-Joshua-
I see the handle on my front door turn for the third time while I stand behind it, fighting a war in my head trying to decide what the right thing to do is. I’ve been hiding all day, skating the hours away at the half-court because I didn’t want to face her. “Josh?” Becca says, her voice barely audible. She knocks again. I curse under my breath and finally open the door, just enough to slip outside and close it behind me. For the first time since she moved here—I don’t want to see her and I sure as hell don’t want to be near her.
I keep my head lowered, my hands in my pockets, and I wait for her to speak—too afraid of what will come out if I do it first.
She takes a step back, then shuffles on her feet.
The silence between us so fucking deafening I almost turn around and go back inside. But then she speaks, and what she says makes me wish I had. “Where were you last night?”
I sigh, shaking my head slightly. “Is your friend gone now?”
“Yes,” she whispers.
“So it’s cool for you to acknowledge me now?”
“That’s why I came here…”
Finally, I look up at her, but she’s looking down at my feet, just like I had been. And I can feel it—the wall slamming between us. “You know, one of my biggest fears in life is that Tommy’s going to grow up being ashamed of who he is because of me. Because I couldn’t keep it in my pants and that’s how he came to.” I sniff once and push down the hurt she’d caused. “The thing is—it’s not me who’s going to make him feel like that, Becca. It’s the people around him who are going to judge him, who are going to belittle him, and who are going to make wrong assumptions about him. And it fucking destroys me to know that I’ll be the cause of that.” I lean against the door, my emotions making me too weak to stand. “So I try really hard to give him a life that’s better than all those shitty judgments. And when he starts school and has his friends over, I don’t want them to see the struggle that’d been his life—the struggles I’ve tried so hard to hide, the ones I’ve overcome to be who I am.” My voice strains against the pain of my words but I push forward, because she needs to know what she did and how much she hurt me. “I just want them to see me—a dad who’ll do anything for his kid. But people are assholes and they’ll choose not to see that. It’s going to be hard enough for him to make friends—not because he’s not an amazing kid—because he is, Becca, and you know that—but because the other kid’s parents are going to look down him because of me. And as much as it isn’t fair—as much as I wish it weren’t the case—it’s the truth. It’ll be hard for him to have friends over because of the stigma that comes with being a male looking after kids—and that’s going to be hard on him. I know that. And I don’t want that for him.” I clear my throat, barely able to speak. “I don’t want to have to hide who I am and what I’ve made of my life. I just want to be respected. That’s all. I know it isn’t always going to happen and I expect that.” I look up at her now, right into the eyes that had me falling for her from the first moment I saw her. “I just never expected that it’d be you—that you’d be the first to make me feel like that.”
Her eyes fill with tears as her mouth opens, but I don’t give her the chance to speak.
“Take care, all right?”
Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t speak.
She doesn’t make a move.
She just blinks, causing her tears to fall.
And it takes everything in me to not reach out.
To not touch her.
To not wipe away the tears so I can see her beautiful emerald eyes.
Then she nods once, her thumb in her mouth before turning away.
She leaves.
And I let her.
My eyes snap open when I hear Becca’s name. For a second I think I’m dreaming but I’m not, because it’s Chazarae voice and she’s screaming. “Becca! Stop!” I throw on my sweats, forget the shirt and, faster than I thought possible, sprint from my apartment to her house. I try to open the door, but it’s locked. “Chaz!” I shout, banging on the door.
“Becca! Please stop!” I hear, and I instantly know there’s no chance she can hear me. Through the darkness of the night, I feel around the top of her doorframe looking for the spare key. When I find it, I use it and run straight up the stairs.
“Please, Becca!” Chaz says, but she’s not shouting anymore. She’s crying, pleading.
Becca’s the first thing I see when I run into her room, she’s in the corner; her eyes squeezed shut and her legs kicking widely. Her thumb’s in her mouth again while Chazarae hovers above her.
“What happened?” I rush out, moving Chazarae out of the way.
“Josh,” she cries, her hand wiping the blood from her mouth.
I ignore Becca for a moment and hold Chaz’s face in my hands. Blood mixed with tears cover her chin. “Did she do this?”
“She didn’t mean it,” she sobs. “I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have touched her when she’s like this.”
“Like what?” I ask, looking back at Becca. Her eyes are still closed, but that doesn’t stop the tears from falling. She’s rocking back and forth, her free hand covering her head.
I drop to my knees and hesitate, just for a second, before touching her.
She squeals, her cry so loud it makes my ears ring.
“She’s having a nightmare,” Chaz cries. “I can’t snap her out of it.”
“Becca,” I whisper, but it does nothing. As gentle as I can, I touch her bare leg, trying not to spook her. She kicks out, her foot finding my knee.
“Stop,” she cries.
And everything inside me turns to stone. What the fuck happened to her to make her like this?
“I don’t know what to do.” Chazarae sobs, her hand on my shoulder.
“Becca. Baby, I need you to wake up.” I try to shake her shoulder but all it does is make her flinch, make her kick, and make her cry harder.
She grunts loudly and bites down harder on her thumb.
“What the hell’s she doing?” I ask, but it’s not really a question. At least not one that warrants an answer.
She kicks again, only this time I see it coming. I grab both her ankles and hold them together. She resists, using every bit of strength she possibly has to try to get out of my hold. The adrenaline pulses through me, beating wildly in my ears. “Becca.”
“She won’t hear you,” Chazarae cries while I quickly pick up Becca, one arm behind her knees, the other around her back. I carry her to her bed and rock her like a baby.
She fights.
With everything she has.
She fights me off her.
“Becca,” I whisper in her ear, “It’s Josh.” I wipe my tears caused by my guilt against her shoulder—because as much as I don’t want to admit it, I know. Deep down, I know I caused this.
I caused this beautiful, fragile girl to break.
A girl I’m pretty sure I’m in love with.
