“I have that feeling now, Becca, with you in my arms. You’re the reality I want and now I have to go back to real life where I’m going to be away from you. And even though I miss Tommy and I know that I see you every day, it’s not the same. In this room, within these walls, you’ve given me a better reality. A greater existence.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m so deeply, insanely, desperately in love with you.”
“Yeah?” he says again, neither of us looking at each other.
I nod against his chest.
He reaches to the nightstand and grabs my camera, then proceeds to take a shot of us lying exactly how we are. “There’s absolutely nothing to question about what I just captured. It’s perfect. This is perfect.”
20
-Joshua-
Sometimes the most basic of moments become your most treasured memories. Like the time Tommy got on a skateboard for the first time and just stood there, not knowing what to do. He looked up at me with those clear blue eyes and said, “What now, daddy?” I showed him where to place his feet and how to kick off the ground. He rolled for two feet before stopping and throwing his arms in the air. He shouted, “I just like Daddy!” And I laughed at the time, but now I look back on it and wish I’d paid more attention to every detail of that moment—what he was wearing, what the weather was like, what time of day it was.
So now, as I wait for Becca and Tommy who are getting ready to perform some kind of show they’ve apparently been working on for me, I try to remember everything. I look at the time; look at the orange of the sky outside. I try to memorize the sounds of their loud unrestricted laughter coming from Tommy’s room. But most of all, I try to bottle my emotions, not to contain them, but to savor them. I try to remember the excitement and the acceptance I feel and the love. There’s so much love. Not just the love I have for them, but the love I feel from them.
His bedroom door opens and Becca sticks her head out. “Babe! Can you move the coffee table to the side?”
After a nod, I do as she asks.
“Ready, Daddy?”
I sit on the couch and clap my hands together. “I can’t wait!”
A moment later they charge out of his room and my head throws back with laughter. “You guys look ridiculous!” And it’s not a lie. They’re both wearing bed sheets around their necks as capes. Becca has a pile of my hats on her head and Tommy has a metal strainer on his. Tommy’s in the brightest clothes he owns, but they’re on backwards and inside out and in the wrong order—he’s wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants, but the absolute best part, is that Becca’s the same. Only she’s in my clothes. My boxer shorts on the outside of her leggings and close to ten different layers of the ugliest items she would’ve found in my closet. And they’re holding spoons. “What’s with the spoons?” I laugh.
Becca shakes her head at me trying to contain her own cackle. “We are The Spoon Loving League,” she announces, and indicates to Tommy, letting me know it was his idea.
Tommy puts one hand on his hip, the other holding the spoon in the air and as loud as he can, he yells, “I am Captain LoonySpoon!”
I wipe the tears from my eyes, caused by my laughter and look at Becca. “And who are you supposed to be?”
Her gaze drops and her shoulders lift, then she mumbles something incoherent.
“What was that?” I ask her.
Tommy answers, his voice just as loud as earlier. “I am her leader. She is Officer PoopSniffer.”
I contain my laughter, just long enough to get out, “I’d like to hear Becca say it.”
She looks up, her glare in place, which just makes me smile wider. “I am Officer PoopSniffer,” she murmurs.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”
She huffs out a breath. “I wanted to be DesertSpoon but Tommy—”
“Captain LoonySpoon!” he cuts in.
She smiles. “Captain LoonySpoon wouldn’t let me.”
“And what are your powers?” I ask.
Tommy hits his helmet/metal strainer with the spoon and Becca goes flying back, pretending to fall on the ground.
“Did you feel it, Daddy?” Tommy asks, his eyes wide with excitement.
My eyes move from Becca to him. “Feel what?”
“The force field.”
“Oh!”
He does it again, and this time I pretend to be affected by it. “Those are some awesome powers,” I tell him. “What are Becca’s powers?”
“She can smell poop from far away.”
Becca starts to get up but before she can there’s a knock the door. Her eyes widen.
“Open the door, PoopSniffer,” I say.
She stands up and looks down at her clothes, then crosses her arms. “No way.”
Tommy chimes in. “I am your leader so open the door, PoopSniffer!”
I get up and squeeze Tommy’s shoulder as I pass him. “I was just kidding, Tommy.” I open the door, my eyes still on him. “We shouldn’t talk to Becca like that.” Then I turn around and come face to face with Robby and Kim. “Hey. I didn’t know you guys were coming over.” I open the door wider. “Tommy, Uncle Robby and Aunt Kim are here.”
He sidles up next me. “I am Captain LoonySpoon,” he shouts.
But they don’t react. They just stand there, their expressions identical. There’s no hint of smile, no form of happiness to see us. “What’s going on?”
Kim’s eyes move from me to Tommy and I can tell right away that something’s wrong because her eyes cloud with tears but behind that, I can see the pity.
I suck in a breath and hold it, my mind racing with a thousand scenarios. Then I hear it—my name—coming from a voice I hadn’t heard since just after Tommy was born. I square my shoulders, my glare formed and directed at Robby. “Why?” I whisper.
“Sorry,” he says, stepping to the side.
Time hasn’t changed her. She looks exactly like she did the last time I saw her; with tears in her eyes and a pleading look on her face, and instantly, I’m pissed—at Robby for bringing her to my home, and at her for looking at me the way she is… for coming here and ruining a perfectly perfect moment.
After three years of no contact, I do my best to not let the anger show. “What the hell are you doing here?”
But it’s Robby who answers. “Your mom and I—we need to talk to you.”
“You see me every day, Robby. If you needed to say something you could have,” I clip. “You didn’t need to bring her here. This is my house. My home.” I look over at my mom. “This is where I’ve set up a life with my son. Your grandson—just in case you forgot he existed.”
Becca’s hand brushes against my back as she squeezes past me and picks up Tommy. My gaze drops and I wait until Becca’s carried Tommy down the stairs, my heart thumping hard against my chest, and when I hear her front door close and I know she’s taken him away from the destruction I know is about to occur, I look back up at my mother, my jaw tense and every single muscle in my body aching to slam the door in all their faces. I cross my arms and ball my fists. “I’ll ask you again. One last time. What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m so deeply, insanely, desperately in love with you.”
“Yeah?” he says again, neither of us looking at each other.
I nod against his chest.
He reaches to the nightstand and grabs my camera, then proceeds to take a shot of us lying exactly how we are. “There’s absolutely nothing to question about what I just captured. It’s perfect. This is perfect.”
20
-Joshua-
Sometimes the most basic of moments become your most treasured memories. Like the time Tommy got on a skateboard for the first time and just stood there, not knowing what to do. He looked up at me with those clear blue eyes and said, “What now, daddy?” I showed him where to place his feet and how to kick off the ground. He rolled for two feet before stopping and throwing his arms in the air. He shouted, “I just like Daddy!” And I laughed at the time, but now I look back on it and wish I’d paid more attention to every detail of that moment—what he was wearing, what the weather was like, what time of day it was.
So now, as I wait for Becca and Tommy who are getting ready to perform some kind of show they’ve apparently been working on for me, I try to remember everything. I look at the time; look at the orange of the sky outside. I try to memorize the sounds of their loud unrestricted laughter coming from Tommy’s room. But most of all, I try to bottle my emotions, not to contain them, but to savor them. I try to remember the excitement and the acceptance I feel and the love. There’s so much love. Not just the love I have for them, but the love I feel from them.
His bedroom door opens and Becca sticks her head out. “Babe! Can you move the coffee table to the side?”
After a nod, I do as she asks.
“Ready, Daddy?”
I sit on the couch and clap my hands together. “I can’t wait!”
A moment later they charge out of his room and my head throws back with laughter. “You guys look ridiculous!” And it’s not a lie. They’re both wearing bed sheets around their necks as capes. Becca has a pile of my hats on her head and Tommy has a metal strainer on his. Tommy’s in the brightest clothes he owns, but they’re on backwards and inside out and in the wrong order—he’s wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants, but the absolute best part, is that Becca’s the same. Only she’s in my clothes. My boxer shorts on the outside of her leggings and close to ten different layers of the ugliest items she would’ve found in my closet. And they’re holding spoons. “What’s with the spoons?” I laugh.
Becca shakes her head at me trying to contain her own cackle. “We are The Spoon Loving League,” she announces, and indicates to Tommy, letting me know it was his idea.
Tommy puts one hand on his hip, the other holding the spoon in the air and as loud as he can, he yells, “I am Captain LoonySpoon!”
I wipe the tears from my eyes, caused by my laughter and look at Becca. “And who are you supposed to be?”
Her gaze drops and her shoulders lift, then she mumbles something incoherent.
“What was that?” I ask her.
Tommy answers, his voice just as loud as earlier. “I am her leader. She is Officer PoopSniffer.”
I contain my laughter, just long enough to get out, “I’d like to hear Becca say it.”
She looks up, her glare in place, which just makes me smile wider. “I am Officer PoopSniffer,” she murmurs.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”
She huffs out a breath. “I wanted to be DesertSpoon but Tommy—”
“Captain LoonySpoon!” he cuts in.
She smiles. “Captain LoonySpoon wouldn’t let me.”
“And what are your powers?” I ask.
Tommy hits his helmet/metal strainer with the spoon and Becca goes flying back, pretending to fall on the ground.
“Did you feel it, Daddy?” Tommy asks, his eyes wide with excitement.
My eyes move from Becca to him. “Feel what?”
“The force field.”
“Oh!”
He does it again, and this time I pretend to be affected by it. “Those are some awesome powers,” I tell him. “What are Becca’s powers?”
“She can smell poop from far away.”
Becca starts to get up but before she can there’s a knock the door. Her eyes widen.
“Open the door, PoopSniffer,” I say.
She stands up and looks down at her clothes, then crosses her arms. “No way.”
Tommy chimes in. “I am your leader so open the door, PoopSniffer!”
I get up and squeeze Tommy’s shoulder as I pass him. “I was just kidding, Tommy.” I open the door, my eyes still on him. “We shouldn’t talk to Becca like that.” Then I turn around and come face to face with Robby and Kim. “Hey. I didn’t know you guys were coming over.” I open the door wider. “Tommy, Uncle Robby and Aunt Kim are here.”
He sidles up next me. “I am Captain LoonySpoon,” he shouts.
But they don’t react. They just stand there, their expressions identical. There’s no hint of smile, no form of happiness to see us. “What’s going on?”
Kim’s eyes move from me to Tommy and I can tell right away that something’s wrong because her eyes cloud with tears but behind that, I can see the pity.
I suck in a breath and hold it, my mind racing with a thousand scenarios. Then I hear it—my name—coming from a voice I hadn’t heard since just after Tommy was born. I square my shoulders, my glare formed and directed at Robby. “Why?” I whisper.
“Sorry,” he says, stepping to the side.
Time hasn’t changed her. She looks exactly like she did the last time I saw her; with tears in her eyes and a pleading look on her face, and instantly, I’m pissed—at Robby for bringing her to my home, and at her for looking at me the way she is… for coming here and ruining a perfectly perfect moment.
After three years of no contact, I do my best to not let the anger show. “What the hell are you doing here?”
But it’s Robby who answers. “Your mom and I—we need to talk to you.”
“You see me every day, Robby. If you needed to say something you could have,” I clip. “You didn’t need to bring her here. This is my house. My home.” I look over at my mom. “This is where I’ve set up a life with my son. Your grandson—just in case you forgot he existed.”
Becca’s hand brushes against my back as she squeezes past me and picks up Tommy. My gaze drops and I wait until Becca’s carried Tommy down the stairs, my heart thumping hard against my chest, and when I hear her front door close and I know she’s taken him away from the destruction I know is about to occur, I look back up at my mother, my jaw tense and every single muscle in my body aching to slam the door in all their faces. I cross my arms and ball my fists. “I’ll ask you again. One last time. What the fuck are you doing here?”
