“I’m about to finish my shift but I couldn’t leave without finding out something to tell you. Rebecca—”
“Becca,” I cut in. “She doesn’t like Rebecca.”
She smiles the same sad smile. “Becca’s moved from critical to stable. The doctors have been working with her all day. And that’s basically all I can tell you.”
With my heart in my throat, I sigh, relieved. “So she’s okay?”
Nurse Ruby nods once. “Hopefully she will be. I hope you don’t mind but I spoke to her grandmother. I told her you were out here waiting,” she says, but the look on her face isn’t one that’s delivered with good news. “She says that Becca doesn’t—I mean isn’t ready for visitors just yet.”
“Wait. You said doesn’t,” I say, a sob filtering out of me. I rub my hand against my chest, trying to somehow soothe the massive ache; the pain of my heart breaking. “She doesn’t want to see me?”
“That’s not what she said,” Rob says, his hand on my back.
Nurse Ruby glances at him quickly before returning to me and I can see it in her eyes; that’s exactly what she meant and she knows it’s more important for me to know the truth than it is to protect my feelings.
“I’ve convinced Becca’s grandmother to come out and at least speak to you, Josh. I think you deserve that much.”
I hold my breath and nod.
“I have to go now.” She stands up and walks out of nurse’s station and stands right in front of me. “Good luck with everything, okay?”
And then I hug her. I don’t really know why but I feel like I need to and she needs to know that right now, I needed her or at least someone like her on my side. “Thank you so much. For everything.”
An entire hour passes. We sit in silence. All four of us. Not a single word spoken. Then Chazarae walks out from the ER doors and we stand, in unison, slow but steady.
She looks like death.
I feel like death.
There’s no smile on her face—not even a pitiful one. There’s nothing. And it’s exactly what I deserve. She stops in front of me, her hands at her sides as she eyes each of us individually. When she finally settles on me, she clears her throat. “It’s not that she doesn’t want to see you. It’s that she can’t. So go home, Joshua.”
My stomach plummets. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She inhales sharply, her eyes narrowed. Then she takes a step forward, lowering her voice to whisper. “When Becca moved in, I asked you for one thing; to leave her alone. Why couldn’t you have just left her alone?”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s too fucking big, so instead I speak through it. “Can you just tell me what happened? Please.”
“Go home, Josh.”
I refuse to go home.
Not until I see her.
Kim takes over watching Tommy for Chloe. Chloe goes home to her parents’ house where they’d spent New Year’s Eve. I guess that’s how they were able to get to my house so quickly last night. Hunter doesn’t leave. Robby doesn’t leave. Day turns to night. Robby calls my mom. I have no idea why. She shows up with food. They eat the food. I don’t. “Let’s go for a walk,” Robby says. And I agree. Because it’s better than sitting in the waiting room, watching people come and go. Some give up on waiting. Some get to see the people they care about. I don’t do either. I’m an outsider—sitting still—watching the world move on around me.
But I can’t move on without her.
He takes me outside where the air is cool but it doesn’t help me to breathe any easier. We walk just outside the perimeter of the hospital, my phone gripped tightly in my hand in case Hunter calls with any news from Chazarae. I know he won’t call. I know she won’t come.
We sit down on a bench just outside a different entrance. More sitting. I could’ve done this inside. He doesn’t speak. What is there left to say?
“I fucked up,” I tell him.
“We all fuck up sometimes,” he says.
“I hate New Year’s Day,” someone else says, and I look up to see two nurses, both male, standing a few feet away. They’re smoking. One’s super tall. The other’s super short.
The short one says, “Me too. There are so many fuckers in here that take things too far and think they’re invincible.”
“Right?” the tall one agrees. “I had one come in this morning. Here we go again, I thought. But it wasn’t. The girl tried to kill herself.”
My entire body tenses. Next to me, Robby sits forward.
We listen.
“Ugh,” the short nurse says. “Those are the worst. It’s like… I don’t know about you, Danny, but I took this job to save lives of those who actually want to live. Don’t waste my time with this shit. You want to kill yourself? Die, already.”
“Right?” Danny says again, taking a puff of his smoke and crossing an arm over his chest. “It’s fucking sad. Like this girl, she’s young, hot as hell. Her eyes are fucking ridiculous. How hard could life be that you’d want to do that, you know?”
I stand up, my blood boiling and my fists balled.
Robby stands up next to me. “Be careful, Josh,” he warns.
The short nurse says, “That’s fucked. What do you think happened?”
Danny scoffs, blowing smoke out at the same time. “Same old shit. Some fucking guy doesn’t love her and she thinks the world’s over.”
Three steps.
That’s all it takes for me to get to them. I push the short one out of the way and within seconds, my fist is on Danny’s stomach. Blow after blow until he’s on the floor. From the corner of my eye—I see Robby holding back Danny’s friend. I open my mouth to speak, but no words could ever convey how I feel, so instead I communicate with my fist, twice more, before I stand.
Danny scuffles, but I’m ready, waiting for his exchange. “Call the cops,” he tells the other nurse, his eyes on mine. He won’t fight back though. He’s a pussy. And a fucking asshole.
I step back and start walking away—the adrenaline, the anger, the understanding, all of it pulsing through my veins.
“You call the cops,” Robby says, his voice loud but even. “I’ll share with the medical board every single thing I just heard.” I stop in my tracks and turn back around because Robby’s fighting my fight and he doesn’t need to. “What do you think would happen to your license if they hear what I’ve recorded?” He holds up his phone. “Maybe next time you can watch your fucking mouths and keep your fucked up shitty opinions to yourselves.”
Danny silently brushes down his clothes and heads back into the hospital.
Robby comes up beside me and we walk together, side by side, step by step. “Did you really record it?”
“Nah.” After no response from me, he says, “I’m sorry, Josh.”
Neither of us mention what they said and whom it was about. But at least I know why she’s here. Only now I wish I didn’t.
28
-Joshua-
Hunter sleeps on the floor of the waiting room. So does Robby. Eventually, so do I.
“Becca,” I cut in. “She doesn’t like Rebecca.”
She smiles the same sad smile. “Becca’s moved from critical to stable. The doctors have been working with her all day. And that’s basically all I can tell you.”
With my heart in my throat, I sigh, relieved. “So she’s okay?”
Nurse Ruby nods once. “Hopefully she will be. I hope you don’t mind but I spoke to her grandmother. I told her you were out here waiting,” she says, but the look on her face isn’t one that’s delivered with good news. “She says that Becca doesn’t—I mean isn’t ready for visitors just yet.”
“Wait. You said doesn’t,” I say, a sob filtering out of me. I rub my hand against my chest, trying to somehow soothe the massive ache; the pain of my heart breaking. “She doesn’t want to see me?”
“That’s not what she said,” Rob says, his hand on my back.
Nurse Ruby glances at him quickly before returning to me and I can see it in her eyes; that’s exactly what she meant and she knows it’s more important for me to know the truth than it is to protect my feelings.
“I’ve convinced Becca’s grandmother to come out and at least speak to you, Josh. I think you deserve that much.”
I hold my breath and nod.
“I have to go now.” She stands up and walks out of nurse’s station and stands right in front of me. “Good luck with everything, okay?”
And then I hug her. I don’t really know why but I feel like I need to and she needs to know that right now, I needed her or at least someone like her on my side. “Thank you so much. For everything.”
An entire hour passes. We sit in silence. All four of us. Not a single word spoken. Then Chazarae walks out from the ER doors and we stand, in unison, slow but steady.
She looks like death.
I feel like death.
There’s no smile on her face—not even a pitiful one. There’s nothing. And it’s exactly what I deserve. She stops in front of me, her hands at her sides as she eyes each of us individually. When she finally settles on me, she clears her throat. “It’s not that she doesn’t want to see you. It’s that she can’t. So go home, Joshua.”
My stomach plummets. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She inhales sharply, her eyes narrowed. Then she takes a step forward, lowering her voice to whisper. “When Becca moved in, I asked you for one thing; to leave her alone. Why couldn’t you have just left her alone?”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s too fucking big, so instead I speak through it. “Can you just tell me what happened? Please.”
“Go home, Josh.”
I refuse to go home.
Not until I see her.
Kim takes over watching Tommy for Chloe. Chloe goes home to her parents’ house where they’d spent New Year’s Eve. I guess that’s how they were able to get to my house so quickly last night. Hunter doesn’t leave. Robby doesn’t leave. Day turns to night. Robby calls my mom. I have no idea why. She shows up with food. They eat the food. I don’t. “Let’s go for a walk,” Robby says. And I agree. Because it’s better than sitting in the waiting room, watching people come and go. Some give up on waiting. Some get to see the people they care about. I don’t do either. I’m an outsider—sitting still—watching the world move on around me.
But I can’t move on without her.
He takes me outside where the air is cool but it doesn’t help me to breathe any easier. We walk just outside the perimeter of the hospital, my phone gripped tightly in my hand in case Hunter calls with any news from Chazarae. I know he won’t call. I know she won’t come.
We sit down on a bench just outside a different entrance. More sitting. I could’ve done this inside. He doesn’t speak. What is there left to say?
“I fucked up,” I tell him.
“We all fuck up sometimes,” he says.
“I hate New Year’s Day,” someone else says, and I look up to see two nurses, both male, standing a few feet away. They’re smoking. One’s super tall. The other’s super short.
The short one says, “Me too. There are so many fuckers in here that take things too far and think they’re invincible.”
“Right?” the tall one agrees. “I had one come in this morning. Here we go again, I thought. But it wasn’t. The girl tried to kill herself.”
My entire body tenses. Next to me, Robby sits forward.
We listen.
“Ugh,” the short nurse says. “Those are the worst. It’s like… I don’t know about you, Danny, but I took this job to save lives of those who actually want to live. Don’t waste my time with this shit. You want to kill yourself? Die, already.”
“Right?” Danny says again, taking a puff of his smoke and crossing an arm over his chest. “It’s fucking sad. Like this girl, she’s young, hot as hell. Her eyes are fucking ridiculous. How hard could life be that you’d want to do that, you know?”
I stand up, my blood boiling and my fists balled.
Robby stands up next to me. “Be careful, Josh,” he warns.
The short nurse says, “That’s fucked. What do you think happened?”
Danny scoffs, blowing smoke out at the same time. “Same old shit. Some fucking guy doesn’t love her and she thinks the world’s over.”
Three steps.
That’s all it takes for me to get to them. I push the short one out of the way and within seconds, my fist is on Danny’s stomach. Blow after blow until he’s on the floor. From the corner of my eye—I see Robby holding back Danny’s friend. I open my mouth to speak, but no words could ever convey how I feel, so instead I communicate with my fist, twice more, before I stand.
Danny scuffles, but I’m ready, waiting for his exchange. “Call the cops,” he tells the other nurse, his eyes on mine. He won’t fight back though. He’s a pussy. And a fucking asshole.
I step back and start walking away—the adrenaline, the anger, the understanding, all of it pulsing through my veins.
“You call the cops,” Robby says, his voice loud but even. “I’ll share with the medical board every single thing I just heard.” I stop in my tracks and turn back around because Robby’s fighting my fight and he doesn’t need to. “What do you think would happen to your license if they hear what I’ve recorded?” He holds up his phone. “Maybe next time you can watch your fucking mouths and keep your fucked up shitty opinions to yourselves.”
Danny silently brushes down his clothes and heads back into the hospital.
Robby comes up beside me and we walk together, side by side, step by step. “Did you really record it?”
“Nah.” After no response from me, he says, “I’m sorry, Josh.”
Neither of us mention what they said and whom it was about. But at least I know why she’s here. Only now I wish I didn’t.
28
-Joshua-
Hunter sleeps on the floor of the waiting room. So does Robby. Eventually, so do I.
