Our lawyers shake hands and make their introductions.
Mr. Newman sits down.
I don’t.
I keep my eyes on Natalie.
And I wait.
“Miss Christian,” her lawyers says, “It’s time.”
Moments pass and the air turns so thick I struggle to breathe. Just like I struggle with the scattered thoughts in my head and the silence surrounding me. I hate the silence the most—the sound so loud it’s deafening.
Finally, Natalie turns around, looking exactly the same as the first time I saw her when she came back—tears mixed with mascara streaking down her cheeks. Only this time I’m not shocked to see her. I’m not even shocked that she’s been crying. Because after all the shit she’s pulled—nothing she can do will ever surprise me.
“I’m dropping the case, Josh. I want you to have full custody.”
“What?” I ask, because there’s absolutely no way I heard her right.
She takes the steps to get to me, her hands bunching the fabric of her skirt. “There are so many things that I want to say right now and I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry, I guess is a good place,” she says, her voice lowering. “I’m sorry that I walked out on you and our son all those years ago. I’m sorry that I never once—”
“I don’t care,” I tell her, and then shake my head. “Not that I don’t care about your apology, I do. I just… are you serious right now? I mean, that’s it? I can keep Tommy?”
She nods. “You’re the best thing for him and I know that. I’ve always known that. That’s why I left in the first place, because I knew that you’d take care of him better than I could have. It’s not what I wanted—to be a mom—and I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t. And to be honest I still don’t know if I’m completely ready. I just know that I’m not ready to walk away again. But I want to try. I want to do better. For him. I still want to be part of his life, Josh. As long as it’s okay with you.”
I nod quickly.
She adds, “My lawyers have drafted up papers and I was hoping we could discuss it today—come up with some kind of agreement.”
“What kind of agreement?”
Natalie clears her throat and steps closer again. “Two hours a week, two times a week. It can be supervised if that’s what you want. And once a month overnight just like you used to do with my parents. I’ll make sure that they’re home when we set dates.”
“That’s it?”
She wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand, smearing more mascara all over her face. “There’s one more thing.”
“Okay?”
“I want you to go to therapy,” she rushes out, like I’m going to disagree. “It’s just…” Her gaze flicks to her lawyers quickly before returning. “I know that you’re under a lot of stress and you’ve had a lot going on lately and that’s why you lost it the way you did—”
“Nat—”
“No, Josh,” she says, cutting me off and raising her hand. “You’re completely entitled to feel like that. I don’t know if I would’ve handled it any different. It’s just that I know Becca’s gone and your dad’s not well and I just want to make sure that it all doesn’t get on top of you again because I don’t want Tommy to have to witness what I did… he loves you so much and he looks up to you and he should never have reason to fear you and I’m just worried—”
“Okay,” I interrupt. “I’ll do the therapy. I’ll do anything as long as I get to keep him.”
Mr. Newman clears his throat and I face him, but he’s looking down at the papers on the table in front of him. “You just took a job offer, Miss Christian?” he asks her.
“Yes sir,” she says, taking a seat next to her lawyers.
My legs carry me, as if on their own, and I slump down in the nearest chair.
“I start in a month,” Natalie continues. “For the past couple of years I’ve been working on a cruise liner, so I’m going back to work. It’s all written there, it’s three months on and one month off and so I’d like the opportunity to set up Skype calls with Tommy at times that suit Joshua.”
“Is that okay with you?” Mr. Newman asks.
Air.
That’s all I can feel, filling my lungs, free and easy for the first time since my mother knocked on my door. “That’s fine.” I say, but I’m still in a daze. “Natalie, is this some kind of joke because I feel like—”
“No, Josh,” she says. “I love Tommy, and I want what’s best for him and that’s you. He’s such a beautiful, bright and happy kid and that’s because of you.” She looks over at my lawyer and points down to the papers. “It also states that I’m willing to change his last name to Warden.”
“Why?” I ask, ignoring the numbing ache in my chest. “Why are you giving up like this?”
“I’m not giving up, Josh, I’m giving in, because it’s the right thing to do. And your dad and Becca—they showed me that.”
My heart stops, my eyes lock on hers. “What do you mean? How did they—”
“They came to see me, Josh. Last week. Both of them at the same time.”
“How did—”
“They didn’t want me to tell you,” she interrupts. “Even though they may not show you directly, you have the right to know. The two of them—they love you something fierce.”
36
-Becca-
Fight ft/
verb
engage in a war or battle.
Both Nurse Linda and I jump when my phone buzzes on the nightstand of my six by eight foot room. Which, ironically, is the same size as prison cells.
“So?” Linda asks.
I hold up one hand, the other reaching for the phone.
Henry Warden: Win.
I smile—which feels strange. Like my mind knows the emotion but my body forgot the sensation.
“So it worked?” she asks, her eyes wide and her smile matching mine.
I shrug, because I really don’t know if it was our doing or not. When Josh had dropped me off at Grams’ house after SK8F8, Grams came downstairs, tightening her nightgown as she greeted me. “How was it?” she asked. I held up two fingers and she smiled instantly. “So he’s good?”
I nodded.
“Where is he now?”
I shrugged.
“Maybe he’s gone to see his dad,” she mumbled, and my eyes narrowed. “They’ve gotten closer since the whole custody thing.”
“What?” I would’ve yelled if I could’ve but she knew what I meant anyway.
“I didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head frantically.
She proceeded to tell me everything that’d been going on with Josh and Natalie, and I spent the night at her house, tossing and turning until the early hours of the morning. And when the anger had passed and was replaced with worry, I got out of bed, dressed, marched down the hall and pushed opened Grams’ bedroom door so forcefully it hit the dresser behind it. She sat up quickly, her hand to her heart.
Mr. Newman sits down.
I don’t.
I keep my eyes on Natalie.
And I wait.
“Miss Christian,” her lawyers says, “It’s time.”
Moments pass and the air turns so thick I struggle to breathe. Just like I struggle with the scattered thoughts in my head and the silence surrounding me. I hate the silence the most—the sound so loud it’s deafening.
Finally, Natalie turns around, looking exactly the same as the first time I saw her when she came back—tears mixed with mascara streaking down her cheeks. Only this time I’m not shocked to see her. I’m not even shocked that she’s been crying. Because after all the shit she’s pulled—nothing she can do will ever surprise me.
“I’m dropping the case, Josh. I want you to have full custody.”
“What?” I ask, because there’s absolutely no way I heard her right.
She takes the steps to get to me, her hands bunching the fabric of her skirt. “There are so many things that I want to say right now and I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry, I guess is a good place,” she says, her voice lowering. “I’m sorry that I walked out on you and our son all those years ago. I’m sorry that I never once—”
“I don’t care,” I tell her, and then shake my head. “Not that I don’t care about your apology, I do. I just… are you serious right now? I mean, that’s it? I can keep Tommy?”
She nods. “You’re the best thing for him and I know that. I’ve always known that. That’s why I left in the first place, because I knew that you’d take care of him better than I could have. It’s not what I wanted—to be a mom—and I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t. And to be honest I still don’t know if I’m completely ready. I just know that I’m not ready to walk away again. But I want to try. I want to do better. For him. I still want to be part of his life, Josh. As long as it’s okay with you.”
I nod quickly.
She adds, “My lawyers have drafted up papers and I was hoping we could discuss it today—come up with some kind of agreement.”
“What kind of agreement?”
Natalie clears her throat and steps closer again. “Two hours a week, two times a week. It can be supervised if that’s what you want. And once a month overnight just like you used to do with my parents. I’ll make sure that they’re home when we set dates.”
“That’s it?”
She wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand, smearing more mascara all over her face. “There’s one more thing.”
“Okay?”
“I want you to go to therapy,” she rushes out, like I’m going to disagree. “It’s just…” Her gaze flicks to her lawyers quickly before returning. “I know that you’re under a lot of stress and you’ve had a lot going on lately and that’s why you lost it the way you did—”
“Nat—”
“No, Josh,” she says, cutting me off and raising her hand. “You’re completely entitled to feel like that. I don’t know if I would’ve handled it any different. It’s just that I know Becca’s gone and your dad’s not well and I just want to make sure that it all doesn’t get on top of you again because I don’t want Tommy to have to witness what I did… he loves you so much and he looks up to you and he should never have reason to fear you and I’m just worried—”
“Okay,” I interrupt. “I’ll do the therapy. I’ll do anything as long as I get to keep him.”
Mr. Newman clears his throat and I face him, but he’s looking down at the papers on the table in front of him. “You just took a job offer, Miss Christian?” he asks her.
“Yes sir,” she says, taking a seat next to her lawyers.
My legs carry me, as if on their own, and I slump down in the nearest chair.
“I start in a month,” Natalie continues. “For the past couple of years I’ve been working on a cruise liner, so I’m going back to work. It’s all written there, it’s three months on and one month off and so I’d like the opportunity to set up Skype calls with Tommy at times that suit Joshua.”
“Is that okay with you?” Mr. Newman asks.
Air.
That’s all I can feel, filling my lungs, free and easy for the first time since my mother knocked on my door. “That’s fine.” I say, but I’m still in a daze. “Natalie, is this some kind of joke because I feel like—”
“No, Josh,” she says. “I love Tommy, and I want what’s best for him and that’s you. He’s such a beautiful, bright and happy kid and that’s because of you.” She looks over at my lawyer and points down to the papers. “It also states that I’m willing to change his last name to Warden.”
“Why?” I ask, ignoring the numbing ache in my chest. “Why are you giving up like this?”
“I’m not giving up, Josh, I’m giving in, because it’s the right thing to do. And your dad and Becca—they showed me that.”
My heart stops, my eyes lock on hers. “What do you mean? How did they—”
“They came to see me, Josh. Last week. Both of them at the same time.”
“How did—”
“They didn’t want me to tell you,” she interrupts. “Even though they may not show you directly, you have the right to know. The two of them—they love you something fierce.”
36
-Becca-
Fight ft/
verb
engage in a war or battle.
Both Nurse Linda and I jump when my phone buzzes on the nightstand of my six by eight foot room. Which, ironically, is the same size as prison cells.
“So?” Linda asks.
I hold up one hand, the other reaching for the phone.
Henry Warden: Win.
I smile—which feels strange. Like my mind knows the emotion but my body forgot the sensation.
“So it worked?” she asks, her eyes wide and her smile matching mine.
I shrug, because I really don’t know if it was our doing or not. When Josh had dropped me off at Grams’ house after SK8F8, Grams came downstairs, tightening her nightgown as she greeted me. “How was it?” she asked. I held up two fingers and she smiled instantly. “So he’s good?”
I nodded.
“Where is he now?”
I shrugged.
“Maybe he’s gone to see his dad,” she mumbled, and my eyes narrowed. “They’ve gotten closer since the whole custody thing.”
“What?” I would’ve yelled if I could’ve but she knew what I meant anyway.
“I didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head frantically.
She proceeded to tell me everything that’d been going on with Josh and Natalie, and I spent the night at her house, tossing and turning until the early hours of the morning. And when the anger had passed and was replaced with worry, I got out of bed, dressed, marched down the hall and pushed opened Grams’ bedroom door so forcefully it hit the dresser behind it. She sat up quickly, her hand to her heart.
