Kissing Sin
Chapter Five

Memories reeled through a sea of agony, fractured images of a violent movie, viewed through a broken projector. The car that had hit mine from behind; the tree I couldn't avoid. The warm flush of blood on my face and arms, then pain, and darkness, and the sensation of floating. Nothing but floating, for what seemed like forever.
Then sounds crept into the mix. A steady beeping. The click of heels against flooring. The slap of flesh against flesh, and the sense of violation.
Finally, smells. Antiseptic. Sex. Forest, pine and orange blossom.
The last three were a strange combination I'd smelled before.
Riley!
The voice was distant. Demanding. It echoed through the agony locking my mind, nipping like a terrier. But the pain swirled, and I couldn't tell where the voice came from. Couldn't reach it.
Riley!
It was sharper this time, more urgent. The clouds of agony stirred, dissipating. Suddenly, Quinn was in my mind, standing between me and the pain, holding out a ghostly hand I clasped it, and it felt real, and solid, and oh so warm.
This way, he said, and led me back to the light.
Awareness returned, and I gasped.
"Its all right." Rhoan's voice was soft, soothing. His arms were wrapped around me, and he was rocking me as a father would a child "You're all right."
The air that swirled around us was cool against my fevered skin, and the air I sucked fiercely into my lungs filled with the scent of eucalyptus and night. We were outside again.
I opened my eyes. Quinn's gaze met mine, dark depths as expressionless as his face.
"The door wasn't open," I said.
"No," he agreed softly.
"Door?" Rhoan said. "Which door?"
I pulled my gaze from Quinn's and looked at my brother. "Nothing. It doesn't matter " But it did matter, because Quinn had just breached my shields and entered my mind after telling me not so long ago that he couldn't.
Rhoan touched a hand to my cheek. "Did you remember anything important?"
"Just a smell. A man, someone I've met before."
He raised an eyebrow. "Nothing else?"
I shook my head, and he sighed. "Enough is enough. We're taking you home tonight."
And I was ready to go. Ready to just sleep and forget, if only for a few hours. "Is it safe to go home?"
He grimaced. "Not really. The three of us are heading to a safe house for the time being. When Jack and Kade sort out the mess here, they'll join us."
"Why is Kade staying rather than you or Quinn?" I asked, surprised.
"Because Kade was here for over two months, and knows this place better than any of us."
Which sounded perfectly logical, but I wasn't believing it. Jack had plans for Kade, that much was obvious. "So where is this Directorate safe house? And has it got a bath big enough for a werewolf to laze in?"
He grinned. "It's a penthouse suite in a hotel right on the shores of Brighton beach. I think it's safe to presume it has a decent size bath."
A smile tugged my lips. "Well, I guess if we're going to be locked up, we might as well do so in style."
"Exactly. You okay to stand?"
I nodded, and he helped me to my feet. I wobbled a little, and was glad of his support those first few seconds. "I'm fine," I said, when I was.
He released me. "I'll just go see Jack, then we can leave."
I nodded and leaned back against the concrete wall. The coldness crept through my sweater, and felt so good against my overwarmed skin.
Once he'd left, I looked at Quinn. "You have some explaining to do."
He shrugged. "There's nothing sinister in what happened. You were in great pain, and your psychic shields were low. I simply slipped past them."
"That time I was shot with the silver bullet, you said you could read no more than surface thoughts. This time it was more than that."
He studied me for a second, dark eyes glinting dangerously in the night. "What did you want me to do? Stand back and watch you suffer needlessly?"
"You lied to me." Again.
"Only a little."
I crossed my arms. "I've got a feeling your version of little and mine are two entirely different things."
"It's only when you're in pain that your shields are lowered enough for me to enter uninvited. In some respects, your mind is almost as untouchable as your brother's."
I didn't believe him. "So you're saying it's only when I'm sick or injured that you can rifle through my thoughts?"
He hesitated. "Yes."
"Liar. When else?"
He looked away. "In times of passion. If I chose to, I could enter then."
Anger curled through me. "And have you?"
"No."
I only had his word on that, and right now, I wasn't up to trusting his word. "Well, thanks for pulling me out of that mess of memories, but if you ever pry into my mind without invitation again, I'll - " I stopped. What could I threaten a vampire with? Especially one as old as Quinn apparently was?
"Fine." His voice was flat. Cold. "Next time, I'll let you find your own way out."
"Good."
Silence fell between us. A silence that was tense and unbreathable. But I wasn't entirely unhappy about it, because it gave me an excuse to ignore my hormones, and keep him at arm's length that much longer.
Still, I stared up at the cloud-filled night sky, and hoped like hell my brother hurried back. Naturally, he didn't, and the silence itched at my skin until I felt ready to scream in frustration.
When he finally did get back, he hooked his arm through mine and began guiding me away from the building. "Let's get going. You look beat."
"That's because I am." I yawned hugely, then added, "How are we getting to this place?"
"There's a helicopter waiting. It'll take us to the Directorate's jet, which is being prepped as we speak."
"Good. I need sleep."
"You can once we reach the plane."
Which I most certainly did. And when we reached the hotel, I slept some more. Only I didn't just sleep, I dreamed. And while this dream was new, it was similar to many I'd had since Quinn had walked away from me in Talon's lair.
Well, I think they were just dreams, though they felt pretty damn real.
I was in a shower. Water sprayed against my skin, the needle-sharp jets soothing and yet exhilarating. Or was it the warmth of another body so close, the scent of sandal-wood and man, that had my pulse racing?
Hands touched me, turned me, then lips came down on mine, lips that were warm and familiar and oh so wonderful. We kissed, long and hard, as the water drummed our skins, skimming our bodies, tickling and teasing.
Then he turned me, so that my back was against the hard heat of his body, his erection nudging my butt as he reached for the soap and began washing my breasts and belly. The scent of lavender touched the air, filling every breath, and it seemed so real, as real as the hands that were washing me so lovingly.
And oh, it felt good.
But being caught between the heat of his body, the drum of the water, and the caress of his hands was nothing short of tortuous, and I was pretty much steaming in an instant.
When I could stand it no more, I grabbed the soap from him and turned around. His beautiful body gleamed like sculptured pale-gold marble in the half-light of the bathroom, the water reverently caressing every muscle, every curve. I followed the water's lead, soaping every marvelous inch, until he was quivering as badly as I.
He took the soap and put it back in the holder, then twined his hands in mine, raising them above my head as he pressed me back against the wet, cool tiles. The heat of him flowed around me, through me, burning my skin and contrasting sharply with the coolness seeping from the tiles.
His gaze met mine, the obsidian depths gleaming with lust and determination. "You are mine, Riley," he said softly, as he nudged my legs wider with one knee. "And I have every intention of loving you so completely - in every single way possible - that you will have no desire to turn to anyone else but me."
"That won't ever happen."
But it came out little more than a pant of air as he slid into me, filling me, liquefying me. His thick groan of pleasure was a sound I echoed. Then he began to move, and there was nothing gentle about it. His body and movements were urgent, fierce, and so very wonderful. The rich ache grew, becoming a kaleidoscope of sensations that washed through every corner of my mind. Then the shuddering took hold and I gasped, grabbing his shoulders, clambering up his body to wrap my lees around his waist and push him deeper still. Pleasure exploded between us and my orgasm ripped through my body, shuddered through my soul.
I woke, still shaking in the aftermath of that orgasm, Quinn's name dying on my lips.
For several seconds I simply lay there, staring almost blindly up at the ceiling.
God, it had felt so real. My skin still tingled from the drumming of the water, and the scent of lavender seemed to hang in the air. Not to mention the fact I felt well and truly sated.
Where the hell had dreams like that been during the few brief dry spells in my love life?
I stretched like a contented cat, then looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was nearly noon. I'd barely slept six hours, which was surprising. It felt like I'd slept twenty.
I rose up on my elbows. I couldn't actually remember how I'd gotten into bed last night but given the trail of clothes from the doorway, I'd obviously walked and stripped at the same time.
The room itself was huge. Directly in front was a curved wall of glass. Sunlight flooded in, lending the sand-colored walls an extra richness. The carpet was thick, and sea blue in color, as were the two well-stuffed sofas. To the left was a door that led into a tiled area, and what looked like the biggest damn shower ever made - though it wasn't the shower from my dream. But this one had obviously been designed with a party in mind, and I was definitely going to try it out.
Of course, my hormones were all for trying it out with a friend, but who that friend would be was the million dollar question. Common sense said Kade, but after the dream, my hormones were all for sampling a real bit of wet vampire loving.
Which probably meant I'd do neither. It was certainly the saner, if less fun, option right now.
I Bung off the covers and paddled into the oversized bathroom, enjoying the luxurious shower alone and spending a whole lot more time than necessary simply standing under the water, letting the jets massage my skin and warm my body.
When the water finally started to cool, I stepped out. Once I'd dried myself, I went to search for clothes. And discovered several dresses and skirts hanging up in the wardrobe. Rhoan had obviously gone shopping, because everything was new, even the shoes. I frowned, hoping he hadn't blown our entire savings account. Rhoan and shopping were always a dangerous combination, and he'd overspent and landed us in trouble come rent time more than once.
Seeing the day was so warm, I picked out a flowing white cotton dress that had shoestring straps, a low back, and a hem that swirled almost indecently around my thighs. After slipping my feet into a pair of cute red and white sandals - complete with a wooden stiletto heel, which had certainly come in handy a few times in the past when I'd been caught in situations that required something more persuasive than a mere fist, but less deadly than a werewolf's teeth - I headed out to find the kitchen, Quinn, and my brother.
I found Quinn sitting in the living room, reading the newspaper. His gaze was a caress that slid down my body, and one that had me hot and bothered in an instant. God, what was it about this vampire that could get to me so easily? Okay, he was gorgeous, he was rich, and any woman with half a brain would fuck him in an instant - but there was something else between us. Something deeper.
His gaze slid back up to my hair. "You've cut it."
I nodded, surprised he hadn't noticed earlier. "Yeah. Summer's coming on, and shoulder length is easier to manage."
"It suits you."
"Thanks." I walked into the kitchen, and smelled the caffeine before I found it. "You want a coffee?"
"Yes, thanks."
I poured two then headed back out, handing him a cup before moving over to the window. Ten floors up had my stomach stirring uneasily, but I was careful not to get too close to the edge. If I couldn't see the drop, I'd be okay. Port Phillip Bay stretched out before me, filled with whitecaps that moseyed toward the shore. But given the way the trees tossed, those gentle waves were no indication of the wind's strength. I watched a beach umbrella tumble along the yellow sand, then turned and asked, "Where's Rhoan?"
"He had to go into the Directorate to chase down some files for Jack."
"Then Jack and Kade aren't back yet?"
"No."
I wondered if that was a good sign or a bad sign. Wondered if they'd uncovered anything useful in that place. Somehow, I was doubting this. This whole operation just seemed too slickly run for clues to be left behind haphazardly.
"Any idea how long we're going to be cooped up here?"
He shook his head and folded the newspaper one-handed. "No. Could be a while from the sound of it." His voice was as polite as mine, but his gaze kept slipping down my body and his hunger stirred the air. Hunger that was both sexual and blood need.
"Have you eaten lately?" I asked sharply.
He hesitated. "No."
"Why not?"
He raised an eyebrow. "What does it matter to you?"
"It matters because I can feel your need to eat."
He shrugged. "There's synth blood in the fridge. That'll do for a while."
"In the long run, you can't survive on synth blood."
"No. When that happens, I shall go seduce someone."
Oh yeah. I'd forgotten he only took blood while making love. "Don't leave it to the last second."
He studied me for a moment, then said in a neutral voice, "I have lived more years than I care to remember as a vampire. I don't need a pretty pup telling me what I should be doing."
"This pup was only showing a little concern." I turned away. "I should have known better."
He was silent for a while, but his gaze burned into my back, and slithers of awareness scattered across my skin.
"Can I ask a question?"
"What?" I kept my voice as flat as his.
"Are you wearing any knickers under that dress?"
I almost choked on my coffee. Of all the things I'd been expecting him to ask, it wasn't that. "That's for me to know, and you to wonder."
"Well, I'm certainly wondering. And in case you're wondering, that dress is practically see-through when lit by sunlight."
I hid my smile and walked over to the sofa. "Sorry if the view is annoying you."
He gave me his vampire face, but underneath, frustration reigned. I could feel it, even if I couldn't see it.
"Why are you determined to take everything I say the wrong way?"
"Perhaps it has something to do with being a little pissed off at you." I grabbed the newspaper as I sat down.
"When you've stopped being pissed off, are you actually going to listen to what I have to say?"
"I don't know." I unfolded the paper. "Maybe."
"And when might that be?"
I shrugged. "Let's see - I spent a good month trying to talk to you and getting rejected. So I think a month would be fair payback."
"And here I was thinking bitchiness was beyond you."
"In case you are forgetting, I was born a bitch."
My gaze caught the front page banner, and I almost had a heart failure when I saw the date.
"It's Friday?" I asked, looking at the time. It was nearly two-thirty.
"Yes." He frowned. "Why?"
"I slept a whole day?" I stared at him in disbelief.
A smile touched the corners of his dark eyes. "Yes, you did."
"Shit." I ran a hand through my hair. "I have a doctor's appointment at four."
He frowned. "Rhoan never mentioned it."
"Rhoan never knew about it. I made the appointment the day of the accident." I surged to my feet. "Wonder if he thought to retrieve my handbag and wallet from the car wreck?"
"You can't go to this appointment," Quinn said, following me into the bedroom.
"You try and stop me, and you'll regret it."
He crossed his arms, and leaned against the doorframe. And even though I was hunting around for my handbag, I was acutely aware of his presence. Of the tightness of the jade shirtsleeves against his forearms. The way his khakis defined his hips and groin.
"What is so important about it that it cannot wait until it's safe to venture out?"
"That is none of your business." I found my wallet, but no handbag. Not that it mattered. All I needed was my credit and insurance cards.
I walked back to the door, but Quinn didn't move.
"Get out of my way."
"You can't go out alone. At least let me come with you."
I didn't want Quinn there. Didn't want anyone there. Not when this might be the very worst news I'd ever hear. "I'll be all - "
"No." His voice was cold. Determined. "Not alone. I either escort you there and back, or you remain here."
"Escort, not come in."
He nodded, and moved aside. I walked into the living room and scrawled a note for Rhoan. "What time is he due back?"
"He wasn't sure. Could be late." Keys jangled behind me. "He left us a Merc in case we needed it."
When the Directorate had personnel go under safe cover, they obviously didn't do it by halves. "Fine. Let's go, then."
We took the lift down to the basement, and walked across to the penthouse parking bay. Quinn did the gentlemanly thing and opened the door, ushering me inside before climbing into the driver's side.
For a good ten minutes, he didn't say anything. I stared out the window, thinking about the future, and hoping like hell I actually had something decent to look forward to.
"What is the appointment for?" he asked, eventually.
"As I said, that's none of your business."
"Are you ill?"
I snorted softly. Part of me wished I was ill. It would be better than probably being sterile. "No."
"Then why a specialist?"
Annoyance ran through me, and I glanced at him. "You have no right to ask these questions."
"And no right to care?" he bit back. "You're a fool if you think that I don't."
I wasn't a fool. His caring had always been in his touch, and occasionally, in his eyes, even when his words had denied the possibility. But I couldn't afford to dwell on it, because right now I couldn't afford to do exclusive with a vampire. And he would want exclusive, even though he hadn't actually come out and said it.
"Quinn, I'm not up to dealing with what you want right now." Not when I had tried. Not when I had far bigger problems.
He didn't say anything, and we continued on in silence. He asked for the address once we reached the city, and pulled to a halt outside the Collins Street building. Ignoring the "no standing" signs, he parked the car then got out, walking around to open the door.
I ignored his offer of assistance, and looked up at the thirty floors above me. Dr. Harvey was on the twentieth, which was something of a stretch for my fear of heights. And while, technically, that fear shouldn't appear when I was in a building with four walls all around, it didn't seem to matter a damn to my stomach. Last time, I'd almost puked every time I'd looked out the doctor's office windows. And the lift ride back down to ground level had left me shaking and sweating. Not an experience I was looking forward to reliving.
"Are you sure you're going to be all right?"
"Of course. I'm not ill, as I said."
"I guess not," he replied shortly. "Even though you've gone as white as a sheet."
"My doctor is on the twentieth floor." And he knew about my ridiculous fear of tall, tall buildings and their awful elevators.
"You want me to accompany you in the lift? It might be easier if you have company."
I shook my head and ignored the caring in his voice. "I have no idea how long I'll be."
"I'll be waiting in the foyer."
"Fine." Tightly gripping my wallet, I walked past him and into the building. I didn't get far.
"Riley?"
I froze, recognizing the rich tones, knowing who it was even before I turned around.
Misha.
My ex-mate, and the very last person in the world I wanted to see right now.
He rose from the chair and strolled toward me, a tall, lean figure who caught the eye as much for the gracefulness of his movements as the expensive cut of his clothes. The sunlight streaming through the glass turned his silver hair a rich, burnished gold, but nothing could warm the cold calculation from his icy eyes.
"Misha," I said, glad to hear my voice was even. "What are you doing here?"
"Waiting for you." He stopped when there were several feet between us. His familiar, musky scent swam around me, stirring memories of all the good times we'd had together. Memories that might just be a lie, like everything else from that period of my life had been a lie.
I raised an eyebrow. "And how did you know I'd be here this afternoon?"
"Easy. There aren't many doctors specializing in nonhuman fertility problems. I merely hacked into the computers of the half dozen listed here in Melbourne, and went through their files until I found you."
If Misha knew about my fertility problems, then he was involved in whatever was going on deeper than I'd thought. "And why would you be doing that?"
"Because I needed to talk to you, and I doubted whether you'd come to me willingly."
He was only half right. I wouldn't go to him willing, but I'd certainly fuck him willingly once he'd made the first approach. He - or rather, the information he could give me - was my path back to a normal life. "You and I have nothing to talk about."
His smile was warm, yet it did little to lift the calculation in his eyes. "Oh, I think we do."
I glanced past him, looking at the clock on the wall. "I have an appointment in ten minutes. You have three to say what you came here to say."
He raised an eyebrow, his expression mocking. "Then I will get straight down to business. I know Talon was giving you ARC1-23. I know why. And I know the results."
I raised an eyebrow. "And here I was believing when you said you had nothing to do with Moneisha or Genoveve."
"I didn't. But we both know that Talon giving you the drug had nothing to do with either of those places. Or anything else he was involved with."
Jack was right. This wolf knew a whole lot more about what was going on than any of us did. "He'd been trying to get me pregnant."
"As was I."
I blinked. "What?"
He shrugged. "Talon and I have been competitors for a long time. I thought it would be interesting to see what sort of child you and I could produce."
There was more behind his decision than just a competitive urge. I could see it in his eyes. "You're both mad."
"Maybe. It was certainly a risk on my behalf."
I frowned. "Meaning what?"
"Meaning, Talon was given no specific instructions other than to fuck you senseless in an effort to learn more about Jack. I, on the other hand, was told to keep away." Humor briefly touched his eyes, warming the chill depths. "I thought you worth the risk."
Yeah, right. I was really believing that. "I'm not in the least bit flattered. And why would it be risky for you to fuck or impregnate me?"
"As I said, I was ordered to stay away."
"So who gave these so-called orders?"
He gave another shark smile and sidestepped the question. "Did you know Talon was sterile?"
I nodded, and surprise flitted briefly through his eyes. "Interesting, because Talon certainly didn't."
"Talon thought himself the perfect specimen."
My voice was tart, and Misha's smile warmed, becoming genuine for the first time. "He was never one to see his faults."
"And you are?"
He shrugged. "It pays to know one's faults. That way you can work around them." He studied me for a minute, the warmth of his smile fading, sending a chill skittering across my skin. "I have a proposition for you."
"I don't want to hear it." Such a lie, but one Misha fell for hook and sinker.
"Oh, I think you will once you go up and see your specialist."
My heart lodged somewhere in my throat, and refused to budge. For several seconds, I couldn't even breathe. "What do you mean?"
He raised a pale eyebrow. "My proposition has benefits for you, the Directorate, and myself. More than that I am not willing to say right now." He glanced at his watch. "My time is officially up. If you wish to discuss this matter further, ring me on this number." He handed me a card. "It's the only secure line I have left."
I glanced at the handwritten number, quickly memorizing it before tearing the card into strips. "Don't be expecting me to."
He smiled, and turned away. Then he stopped and looked over his shoulder. "One more thing you should know."
Trepidation crawled through me. "What?"
"I haven't had the hormone chip replaced. Right now, I'm the most fertile wolf you know."
With that, he turned and walked away, leaving me dry mouthed and shaking. God, what was he saying? That I could have kids? Why else would he say something like that?
There was only one way to find out. Spinning, I all but ran to the lifts, my stomach churning so much that the twenty floor climb didn't really make a noticeable impression.
As usual, Dr. Harvey was running behind schedule, leaving me sitting in the waiting room, twitching and shifting and sweating.
When the nurse finally called me in, I all but ran.
Dr. Harvey looked over his black-framed glasses at me. "You're looking a little peaked this afternoon."
I sat down on the chair and crossed my legs. "I'm worried." No lie there, that was for sure. "These results may well change the direction of my life."
He nodded in understanding, his gaze flicking to the com-screen on one end of the desk. I shifted, but couldn't quite see what was on the screen.
"Would you prefer the good or the bad news first?"
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Hit me with the bad." Might as well know the worst first.
"There's no easy way to put this, so I'll say it straight out. Indications are that within a year or so, your body will fully imitate a vampire's in that you will neither be fertile nor be able to carry a child."
I simply stared at him. Deep down, I guess I'd always expected something like this would happen. Rhoan might be more vampire in his makeup than wolf, but we were fraternal twins, sharing the same father if not the same seed. Yet I'd always hoped that because past tests had indicated the werewolf gene was stronger in me, I'd be able to have a child. Or would at least be able to turn to some form of IVF when all else failed. Now even that was snatched from me, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to cry.
Though right now, both were looking good.
"The good news," he continued, as if he hadn't noticed me sitting there in a lump of misery, "is that the experimental drug you were given has actually achieved its aim. Young woman, your cycle has finally kicked into gear, and you are actually menstruating for the first time in your life."
I stared at him for several long minutes. "No, I'm not."
He smiled. "Yes, you are. If the results we got back were any indication, you should have had your first period six days ago."
Six days ago I'd been barely alive. "I can't remember."
He raised his eyebrows at that, but didn't question. He knew I was Directorate. Knew some things just had to be accepted without question. He clasped his hands in front of him. "Of course, given that you are no longer taking the drug, I would envisage the effects will not last very-long. A last burst, perhaps, before infertility."
I blinked, and suddenly his words hit me. Ohmygod. I could have kids. I was fertile, however briefly. I felt like screaming. Dancing. Running through the building shouting the news.
"Of course," he said, his voice full of a sternness that somehow kept me anchored, "we will have to keep a close eye on what is happening, and run weekly tests. If you do become pregnant, it might mean hospitalization, as we cannot predict how your body, with the changes it is undergoing, will react."
I didn't care if I had to be hospitalized the whole nine months. Not if it meant having a child at the end of it. I shifted on my seat, and had to resist the impulse to ring Rhoan and tell him the news. God, he'd be over the moon!
"And," the doctor continued, "because you have such a narrow margin of fertility and will need to ensure maximum opportunity for pregnancy, you will have to watch your body's chemical and physical changes, and ensure the sexual act occurs during hours of peak receptiveness."
"And the monitoring involves... ?"
"These days, it involves nothing more tedious than wearing a small monitor under your skin. It'll tingle softly to warn you when a peak has been reached."
I nodded, and wondered if I was grinning like a fool.
"Remember though, that even this machine cannot guarantee conception. It may be that you will not fall pregnant, especially given your history. There is never any certainties when it comes to life, even in this day and age."
"I have a chance, Doc. That's all I wanted."
He nodded. "Then you wish to have the monitor implanted immediately?"
I opened my mouth to say, "Yes, of course," but the words froze somewhere in my throat as his earlier words hit me. The experimental drug you were given has actually achieved its aim. The same experimental drug that had changed the very cell structure of past half-breed recipients. The same drug that, even now, could be changing my body in unknown ways.
Oh, fuck.
I closed my eyes, and rubbed them wearily. "I need to think about all this," I said slowly. "As much as I want to rush into having a kid, there are other considerations."
He nodded. "Just remember that it is a small window, and time is of the essence if you wish to attempt conception."
Like I didn't know that. I stood. "I just need a little time to think about it."
He studied me for a moment, eyes full of understanding. "I'll be here until at least nine-thirty tonight. Ring me if you come to a decision or want to discuss things further. Other than that, we'll make your next appointment for tomorrow, same time. Will twenty-four hours be enough?"
Twenty-four hours to decide whether or not I should risk following a long held dream? God, no. But I nodded, and left, and was in such a daze that the elevator ride back down to the ground didn't even stir my usually fragile stomach.
The doors opened, and Quinn was standing there, expression concerned as he reached out and gently cupped my elbow. "Are you all right?"
My laugh was shaky. "Yeah. Just got some wonderful news."
He frowned. "Then why are you as white as a sheet and shaking?"
"I'm scared of tall buildings, remember?"
"I remember. But I also know you're lying." He hesitated, his dark gaze boring into mine, as if trying to reach my soul. "There was a time you trusted me."
I still trusted him. I just needed to think about things first, before I told anyone. But I couldn't think here. Couldn't decide here. I rubbed my hand across my eyes again. They burned, as if filled with unshed tears. "Can you drop the questions and just drive me to Mt. Macedon?"
The elevators doors tried to close. Quinn put a hand against them and said, "Why?"
"Because I have a decision to make, and I think better when I'm running through trees." And Mt. Macedon was the least developed of the big parks that surrounded metropolitan Melbourne.
He stared at me a minute longer, then his grip tightened on my elbow, and he led me out of the building.
The strength of the sun was waning into dusk, and the wind carried the chill of the storm predicted to hit later this evening. I glanced up, watching the clouds race across the pink tinted sky. The wolf within me hoped it did rain, because there was nothing more refreshing, more isolating, and more primordial than racing the thunder of a storm through rain-lashed trees.
We climbed into the car and headed for Mt. Macedon. Quinn didn't say anything, and for that, I was grateful. My thoughts were a mess, going fifty different ways, and right then, I didn't have a hope of coping with any sort of conversation.
The rain began to splatter across the windshield as we entered the Mt. Macedon township. Quinn glanced at me, eyebrow raised in question.
"Go on," I said. "I don't care if it rains. Besides, I'm a wolf. We don't feel the cold."
"Werewolves mightn't, but you do."
He had a good memory. I'd only mentioned that once, in passing. "Maybe. But right now, I need to run more than I need to keep warm."
He nodded, and continued on up the mountain. We entered the park, and stopped in the bays closest to the trees. There were maybe a dozen other cars here, and most of those were parked up near the Old Tea Rooms restaurant. I climbed out. The wind tore at my dress and hair, touching my skin with chill reminders of the winter just passed. I shivered, and glanced across the roof of the car at Quinn. "This could take a while."
"Be careful," was all he said.
I nodded, then stripped off my clothes, placing them in the car before calling to the wildness within. In wolf form, I headed for the trees, and just kept on running through the ferny undergrowth. I wasn't really thinking, just letting the night, the cold, and the storm run over my body. Letting the electricity that danced through the thunderous skies clear the cobwebs and confusion from my mind.
I ran for hours. Ran until my limbs were beginning to shake with tiredness, and my tongue lolled so far out of my mouth I'd swear it was about to drag the ground. Ran until the storm had swept past, and the clean scent of wet earth mingled with eucalyptus on the night air. Even then, I didn't head back immediately to the car, but rather changed to human form and headed for the huge memorial cross that was the centerpiece of the park.
Sitting on the steps, my back to the cross, I hugged my knees close to my chest, trying to keep warm as I stared at the lights that stretched like a twinkling carpet far in the distance.
Within a few minutes, the warm scent of sandalwood mingled with the fresh aromas of the night. He handed me my dress without comment. Once I'd put it on, he placed a leather jacket across my shoulders and sat on the step beside me, a shadow whose heat I could feel even though we weren't touching.
"I've booked a table in the restaurant, if you wish something to eat," he said, after a moment.
"I might." I slipped my arms inside the jacket and zipped it up. It smelled of leather and man, and stirred me in a hundred different ways. Which was scary, because I really couldn't afford to fall for this vampire any more than I already had.
"And have you fallen for me, Riley Jensen?"
I glanced at him sharply. "Two days ago you said you could only catch my thoughts when I was in pain or during passion. So how come you're reading them now?"
His gaze, when it met mine, was flat and uncompromising. "We've shared blood, remember. I did warn you that makes me more attuned to unguarded thoughts."
I looked away. "Then I must remember to guard my thoughts at all times."
"Perhaps you should, if you don't want me reading them."
"You could be a gentleman, and not intrude."
"I could. But given the fact our talks so far have gotten interrupted for various reasons, intruding on your thoughts is my only way of getting information."
He obviously hadn't read too much, then, or he probably wouldn't be sitting there so calmly. I chewed my lip, watching the twinkling carpet of lights, trying not to think of anything in particular.
Yet a decision had to be made. Here. Tonight. Because if I went back to Jack, he'd make it for me. Though, considering he wanted me as a guardian, I doubt he'd want me pregnant.
"Tell me what causes you such anguish," Quinn demanded softly.
I briefly contemplated the wisdom of not telling him, but in the end, he had the right to know. It did involve him - us - in some respects.
"You're not going to like it," I hedged.
He reached out, his hand twining in mine, wrapping my fingers in heat and courage. "Tell me."
So I did. About what the doctor had said. About Misha. About the decision I'd come up here to make.
He was silent for a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice was as emotionless as ever. Yet his dark eyes held echoes of pain as his gaze met mine.
"Rhoan told you about Eryn, didn't he?"
Eryn was the wolf Quinn had been engaged to six months before I'd met him. A wolf who had used a drug to snare and keep him. A wolf who had confirmed his opinion that all wolves were whores.
"Rhoan hasn't said anything about Eryn." I studied him for a moment. "How does she fit in with the decision I have to make?"
"She doesn't. But I thought she might have been the reason you were unwilling to really talk about us continuing our relationship."
"And why would you think that?"
He looked away. I touched his arm lightly, feeling the tension in his muscles, tasting the anger that still lingered in his mind.
"We weren't just engaged," he said eventually. "We swore our love to the moon."
My heart just about plummeted to my ankles. Of all the things I'd been expecting to hear, that certainly hadn't been one of them. "What? But that means... "
"I would not be free to fuck anyone." His gaze met mine, dark depths smoldering. "But I am free to be with whom I wish, because the ceremony that should have bound us as one didn't work."
"Because both parties have to be in love to perform that ceremony. Eryn obviously never was."
"In truth, neither was I. It was the drug, not real emotion."
"Yes." I paused. There was more. There had to be more. "But I'm gathering that is the least of her crimes?"
He looked away. "At the time, I did believe the ceremony had locked us together for life and prevented either of us from taking other partners. I discovered her lie the hard way."
Oh dear... "You found her with another wolf?"
He nodded. "And she was pregnant to him."
"Shit." No wonder he hated the werewolf lifestyle so much.
He nodded. "Hence my suspicion that Eryn might have had something to do with your reluctance to get involved with me again."
"Well, she doesn't. But like her, I want a kid, whether now or later. And that makes getting involved with someone who can never offer me that a difficult choice."
Especially when they didn't like being one of many.
A smile briefly lifted the grim set of his lips. "And here I was thinking you were playing games, making me pay for walking away."
"I won't deny that was there as well."
He nodded again. "So, what do you intend to do?"
"I honestly don't know."
"And Misha?"
"I was always intending to fuck Misha. I need the answers he can give me."
"So you plan to become a whore for the Directorate?"
I ripped my fingers from his and stood. "Damn you to hell." I crossed my arms and stomped down the steps. "That's such a human way of viewing the situation. Besides, it's not that simple."
"It is that simple. Rhoan willingly sleeps with enemies to gather news. Isn't that what you'd be doing with Misha?"
"It's just sex." I blew out a frustrated breath. Quinn's views were never likely to change, no matter what I said. "And we don't know that Misha is an enemy yet."
"We don't know that he's a friend, either."
"True. But he may be the only fertile wolf I currently know."
"Then you believe he was telling the truth about that?"
"It would be easy enough to check." I walked to the black metal fence that stopped visitors getting too close to the edge of the mountain. The wind was fiercer away from the cross, chilling my wet legs and feet.
"Sounds to me like your decision has been made."
I closed my eyes. "It might have been, except for the fact that it was ARC 1-23 that kick-started my fertility."
"Meaning?" Though he was still sitting on the steps, his soft words cut through the rush of the wind as clearly as if he was standing beside me.
"Meaning, ARC1-23 can have deadly side effects on us half-breeds. They won't know for at least another few months what, if any, effect it will have on me."
And if they couldn't predict what effects the ARC1-23 would have on me just yet, then how could they predict what effect it might have on any child I conceived? If the drug could totally mutate my system, then what the hell could it do to a child growing in my womb?
That was the problem. That was the choice I faced.
Did I have the right to endanger my child in such a manner? Did I have the right to bring a life into this world who might not even live to see their first birthday?
Deep in my heart, I knew the answer was no.
But that would mean blowing the only chance I had of having a child myself. Oh, there were other options - freezing eggs, finding a surrogate, but it just wasn't the same. Wasn't what I'd dreamed of all these years.
I closed my eyes and took a shuddery breath. God, fate was a bitch sometimes.
Arms touched me, turned me around. I sunk into the warmth of his embrace, enjoying the momentary peace it offered.
"If there's one thing I've learned over the years" - his breath stirred warmth past my ear - "it's that nature often has its own way of sorting out right from wrong."
"Nature has very little to do with what is happening to me now. If nature had its way, I would still be infertile."
"Then perhaps there lies the answer to your problems."
I pulled back a little, and met his dark gaze. "There could be more than a little self-interest in that statement."
He grimaced, and raised a hand, brushing my cheeks with his fingers. Longing shivered through me. "There is."
I stepped out of his arms, not wanting to be distracted by the warmth and promise of his touch. "Even if I make the decision not to go ahead and have a child, the situation between you and me is still a difficult one - and for many different reasons."
"There is nothing to stop us resuming where we left off."
"Where we left off was you declaring you had no intention of getting involved with another werewolf." I took a deep breath, and slowly released it. "My soul mate is still out there, somewhere. I won't risk losing him on top of maybe never being able to have a child."
"That doesn't mean we can't come to some arrangement - "
"But could you come to an arrangement?" I cut in. "Knowing that I have the intention of doing what I have to do - even if it means kissing or fucking every sinner in the goddamn state - to stop these bastards coming after me ever again?"
Which didn't mean I intended becoming a guardian - not unless the drug left me with absolutely no choice. But stopping these bastards was a priority, and if that meant I had to sleep with some of them, so be it. At least if I did my bit to help stop them, I could safely follow whatever path fate wanted me to go down without having to look over my shoulder at the ghosts I'd betrayed.
And if that future path meant a life without kids, then I guess I had to accept that.
Which meant the decision I'd come up here to make was, in the end, easy. The drug running havoc through my system had caused my fertility, and because of that, I dare not fall pregnant, no matter how desperately I wanted to take the chance. The future I faced was unknown, and as much as I didn't want to, I had to face the fact that any changes the drug forced on me would make me a guardian. It was either that, or be compelled into military service, as the other half-breed recipients of the drug had been.
I had no right to bring a child into that sort of environment, especially when neither Rhoan nor I had the support of our pack to help care for, and raise, a child if anything happened to us.
Quinn didn't answer my question, but he didn't really need to. We both knew he could never put up with me taking on all comers in the sex stakes. That sort of acceptance wasn't in his all-too-human attitudes.
"Look, Quinn, I'm not denying I want you, but I want you without strings. If you can't handle that - can't handle what I am, or what I intend to do - then back off and leave me alone."
Though his face was carefully neutral, I could see the annoyance burning in his eyes. Feel the force of it crawling across the electric night. It reminded me that he was a very old vampire, and obviously, despite all his urbane and courteous mannerisms, well used to getting his own way.
He might want me, he might be quoting pretty words about compromise, but deep down he was a territorial creature and he wasn't at all willing to share.
"So if I want you," he said, voice a little clipped, "I have to put up with you being the whore I think your race is?"
Anger surged and I clenched my fists, battling the urge to hit him. "You want to know why I'd rather fuck a stranger like Kade than you right now? Because he accepts who and what I am. You, on the other hand, want to change a basic part of me."
Anger burned around me, through me, and I wasn't entirely sure if it was mine, his, or a combination of both. But all the frustration that had built up over the months since Quinn had walked away came spewing forth, and I didn't have a hope in hell of stopping it now.
"I don't - "
"Then why do you call all wolves whores? Why even> thinks that when the moon dance, and the celebration of life and love, is a basic part of what we are? We're not human. How dare you even try to judge us by human standards."
"I'm not - "
"Then why call us whores?"
"Isn't fucking someone for money or information a definition of prostitution? Isn't that what you'd be doing?"
"It's a human definition. Werewolves have no such word, because we don't think that way."
"So you'll happily sleep with all and sundry to get information?"
"Happily? No. Will I do it? Yes, because his only sex, and sex is as vital to wolves as blood is to vampires."
"A vampire can die without blood. I doubt a werewolf would die without sex."
"Maybe not." I crossed my arms and continued to meet him glare for glare. "But we can certainly die if we don't meet our soul mate."
He snorted. "I doubt - "
"Don't doubt, just listen. Werewolves believe that true love is not something that happens by chance, but rather, it is something determined by fate itself. We believe that love is as immortal as the soul, and that we are destined to meet the same lover over and over again, right through all of our lifetimes. For wolves, there is only one person on this earth who is destined to be our perfect mate. One person who is our match, heart and soul. And if we do not find that person, our heart and soul suffers. Many do fade away, and many do die."
He didn't answer for a moment, then said, "Could not the connection we share mean there is something worth exploring between us?"
"Definitely. But I have cared deeply for two other men in my life, and loved one. None of those three were my soul mate. The connection between us might have been emotionally and physically deep, but it wasn't soul deep." Something that had been proven when Haden, the wolf I'd loved so much as a teenager, had met his soul mate exactly one year into our relationship. Had we been exclusive, that would never have happened.
"So, where does that leave you and me?" Quinn asked.
"You tell me. I'm not the one trying to place boundaries on our relationship."
He sighed, and looked past me. The anger burning the air seemed to dissipate quickly on the cool breeze. "I'm a vampire. We tend to be very territorial."
I nodded. "Then it is you who has the decision to make, not me. I want to continue exploring what we share, but I will not risk restricting myself to you alone. I cannot. Nor, might I add, do I expect you to restrict yourself to me. I cannot be the only supply of the blood you need to sustain yourself."
He snorted softly. "A small comfort that makes little difference in the scheme of things."
"That's all I can offer right at this moment."
"I don't know if I could handle an open relationship. I'm just not built that way."
I raised an eyebrow. "We weren't exactly exclusive a month ago. I was still with both Talon and Misha then."
"A month ago I thought it was nothing more than a casual dalliance, one that would be easily forgotten once I got home."
"So what changed your mind?"
His look just about liquefied my insides. "The fact that you kept invading my thoughts and my dreams."
He'd invaded my dreams, too. I wondered if, somehow, we'd been reaching out to each other through the link we'd created. "Yet you rebuked just about every attempt I made to see or talk to you. Even when I finally got you to come to dinner, you still stated you weren't interested in continuing any sort of relationship."
He shrugged. "I thought it was for the best. After Eryn, I had no wish for anything permanent."
"I wasn't suggesting anything permanent."
He looked at me, and didn't answer.
"And despite all those refusals," I continued, "here you are, all but demanding I be with you, and you alone."
"Because what we have deserves exploration."
"To what end, if you have no wish for anything permanent?"
Again, he didn't answer. Maybe that was a question he had no answer for.
"How many exclusive relationships have you actually had over your many years?"
His expression could only be described as dark. "Two or three."
I snorted softly. "In how many centuries?"
"It is hard to love someone when you know you must watch them grow old and die."
"Then why did you commit to Eryn?"
"As I said before, that was more a product of the drug than love. Had I been in my right state of mind, I would never have attempted that ceremony." His eyes were hard as he added, "I swore never to marry another woman four hundred years ago. It is a promise I hold to."
Which begged the question, what happened four hundred years ago? But I didn't bother asking, because I knew he wouldn't tell me. "Then you've never turned a lover?"
"No. It rarely works out well, anyway."
"Because of the territorial thing?"
He hesitated. "And because vampires cannot live on each other's blood."
They couldn't? That was interesting. I'd thought blood was blood, no matter what the source. I glanced at my watch and saw it was eight-thirty. The doctor would still be in his office if I rang now. "What happens next is up to you to decide. Just be well aware that I will have other partners, and I will not stop attending the moon dances. I can't afford to." I hesitated, watching his eyes, watching my words sink in. He wasn't liking them, wasn't accepting them. Not yet. "In the meantime, you got a phone I can use?"
He fished the keys out of his pocket, and tossed them to me. "In the car."
"Thanks. I'll meet you in the restaurant, if you like."
He nodded. I strode past him, and went to make the call that would end any hopes I had of having a child of my own.
In the end, we didn't get to eat. Quinn drove me back to the medical center, and the doctor inserted the intrauterine device that would stop any threat of pregnancy - it was also the only device that wasn't going to be detected by the blood tests I had no doubt Misha would insist on. He also inserted the monitor, as I suspected Misha would keep an eye on my file, and would be suspicious if it wasn't inserted. For that reason, I asked the doctor not to put anything on my file about the IUD, and though he was far from happy about it, he agreed. He had no choice really, as he knew I was Directorate and could easily have gotten the request enforced.
I don't really remember the lift ride back down to the ground, though I do remember Quinn taking me in his arms and holding me for what seemed like forever. He never said a word, but then, he didn't need to. Though the link between us was locked down tight, I knew he understood my pain. He was a vampire, after all, and knew all about never being able to have kids.
It was after midnight by the time we got back to the apartment. Jack was there, sitting at his com-screen, and a somewhat fierce scowl crossed his features as we walked in.
"Where the hell have you two been?"
"Thinking," I said.
"And this thinking couldn't have been interrupted for a quick phone call update on what the hell was going on?"
"No." Actually, I hadn't even thought of it.
I glanced toward the other bedrooms. I knew my brother was in one, but there were snores coming from the other room. Kade, undoubtedly. Why the hell was he was still here? What did Jack plan to do with him?
And was there any way I could uncover the mystery of the horse-shifter?
"Want a coffee, boss?"
"Thanks."
I raised an eyebrow at Quinn, who nodded, then headed into the kitchen to get us all a coffee. With that done, I sat down on the sofa opposite Jack and filled him in on everything that had happened. We talked for a good hour, after which I rang Misha. He was awake, as I knew he would be.
"We should talk," I said, the minute he answered the phone.
"Yes, we should."
I glanced at Jack, who was hooked up to my cell phone, listening in, as well as talking to the director on a second phone. He met my gaze and nodded, indicating everything had been arranged.
"Three o'clock. Macey Jane's, in Lygon Street."
My gaze slid passed Jack, and settled on Quinn. I was willing to meet him halfway, even though it wasn't entirely wise to do so. Whether he was willing to do the same remained to be seen. But the mere fact that his disapproval stung the air suggested he hadn't yet come to grips with the situation. Maybe he never would.
And as much as I wanted to be with him, I wasn't willing to change my entire life for him. Nor would I back down from this investigation. I needed to be a part of its ending, needed to see it ended with my own eyes, to be totally sure I was safe. If Quinn couldn't accept that, and accept me, then we were never meant to be. No matter how rich a piece of chocolate my hormones considered him to be.
"Sorry, that ain't going to happen," came Misha's drawl. "For a start, I don't trust the mob you work for that much. And secondly, I dare not step beyond known haunts at the moment. I'm being watched."
"Yeah, by the Directorate."
"And by those you hunt."
"Meaning they don't trust you?" My gaze went to Jack again. Did he know the Directorate wasn't the only one watching Misha? The raised eyebrows suggested not. "Why am I not surprised?"
His chuckle whispered down the line, stirring memories that were best forgotten.
"We'll meet at the Blue Moon."
Jack shook his head. I ignored him. We needed to find out what Misha knew, and while the Blue Moon wasn't a Directorate-patrolled safe place, it was somewhere I felt safe. I knew the people, knew the layout. And of all the werewolves' clubs, the Blue Moon was the strictest when it came to patron safety.
"I'd hardly call that a regular haunt of yours."
"Ah, but it has been since your disappearance."
A cold lump formed in my stomach. "You couldn't have known I'd escape that place."
"No, but I knew he'd underestimate you. He always has - "
"He who?" I cut in.
This time his soft chuckle made my skin crawl. "We'll have to discuss terms before we get to an exchange of... information."
"You'd better be offering some good information, Misha, or it's no deal. And it wouldn't matter if you were the only fertile wolf on the damn planet."
"I'm your only way out of a return to another of those pens," he said softly. "Believe that, if you believe nothing else."
The soft certainty in his voice sent another chill across my skin. I did believe him, though God only knew I was probably being stupid for doing so.
"When?"
Jack rolled his eyes, and looked decidedly unhappy as he began speaking into the second phone.
"Three's fine by me. I'll book one of the private rooms, just to ensure our conversation isn't overheard, but we'll meet on the dance floor. It'll look more like a coincidence to my watchers."
"If you know about them, why not get rid of them?"
"Because right now, they have their uses." Amusement was evident in his voice. I'd always thought Misha to be the quieter, saner of the two mates I'd had over the last few years, but that assumption was proving to be very wrong.
"Tomorrow is a werewolf-only day," he continued, "so neither the vampire or that horse-shifter you escaped with will get in. Rhoan can, but if I spot him, I'm out the door and the deal is off."
How had he known that Kade was still with us? Or was it simply a guess on his part?
"I don't think any of us trust you enough to agree to a deal like that."
"Tough. It's my way or the highway. They can put a tracker under your skin if they think I'm going to do a runner with you."
They could, and they would. I'd be damned if I'd risk getting snatched again. "Why just me?"
"Because I'm walking the edge of a sword right now, and have no intention of slipping over that edge until I'm sure of what lies below."
Which was a poetic way of saying he wanted to test the waters first. "You'd better not be bullshitting us, Misha."
"I'm not, believe me." He paused, and shifted. Silk sighed, and I had sudden visions of black sheets sliding over pale skin. "To prove this, may I suggest you get out of that Brighton penthouse within the next five minutes?"
Blood drained from my face, and my gaze jerked from Quinn to Jack. "How do you know we're in a Brighton penthouse?"
Even before I'd said the words, Jack was ordering Quinn to wake Rhoan and Kade.
"Same way I know you're about be attacked by air. I suggest you move your pretty butt, Riley, if you want to make the meeting tomorrow."
By air? We were ten stories up, for fuck's sake...
I hung up, and swung around.
Just in time to see several blue things blast through the plate glass windows.