I had fucked up so badly since she'd come home. I hadn't been ready to face her, never in a million years imagined it'd be under these circumstances . . . here. I'd reacted like a crazy person, or like a complete asshole. She had no way to know that she'd upheaved all my plans. I needed to make this right.
When Tenleigh had let me hold her, comfort her, it'd felt so damn good. If she never forgave me, how would I handle it? The last four years had gone by in dismal misery. But seeing her looking the way she did, classy and sure of herself, it filled me with pride. She'd done exactly what I knew she could do. That same familiar grief and loneliness welled in my chest when I thought about who she used to be, who I used to be. Because as much as I was happy about the ways she'd changed, and as much as I accepted who I was now, back then, she'd been mine. Back then, she'd looked at me with trust and love in her eyes. Back then, she'd wanted me, despite all the ways I was lacking. Back then, she'd been willing to fight tooth and nail for me. Back then . . .
Shut up, Kyland. Now is now, and you have to deal with that.
I needed a shower. This was going to be a long day. I had to be at the mine at ten, but I wanted to stop by and see the library one last time before they tore it down. I figured it'd be today or tomorrow. When I'd driven by, it looked like the construction crew was moving closer to it. That damn library . . . after Tenleigh had left, I had gone and sat in it day after day, just to feel close to her. I had sat at the small table in the back and I'd suffered. And it was no less than I deserved.
**********
I stepped into the small building, empty now—save for the shelves that were still bolted to the wall. I stood there simply looking for several quiet minutes. What was I doing here, really? I inhaled the air, closing my eyes briefly as all the memories, both happy and sad, went through my mind. I heard a small click behind me and whirled around. Tenleigh was standing there, a surprised expression on her face.
"Hi," she breathed, coming in and shutting the door behind her.
"Hi," I said, my heart picking up in speed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and an SDSU T-shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail, a few pieces falling loose.
She was the most beautiful woman in the world. To me, she always had been. She always would be.
As I stood looking at her, I realized that something had shifted between us since last night. She still looked wary, but the look in her eyes was softer, too, and it gave me hope.
"I'm sorry," I said, taking a step toward her. "If I shouldn't be here, I'll—"
"No, it's fine. The crew isn't coming for an hour or so. I just," she bit her lip, glancing away from me for a quick moment, "I just wanted to spend a little time here before they tear it down."
I nodded. "I kind of had the same idea."
Our eyes held for several beats, the air thick with that energy Tenleigh and I always seemed to create whenever we were in the same room. She nodded, walking toward me.
"You got contacts," I said softly.
She looked surprised. "I did. How'd you know?"
I ran my hand through my hair. "You used to squint. It's how I knew when you were looking at me from across a room."
She smiled. "Hmm, I didn't know anyone ever noticed that."
When it came to you, I noticed everything. I fell halfway in love with you before we ever spoke a word.
"And your voice, I mean, your accent—it's back."
She laughed softly. "My sister said the same thing. Didn't take long for my body to remember I'm a Kentucky girl."
My Kentucky girl.
She took a deep breath and looked away, running her hand along the bookshelf. "This place saved me from a lot of loneliness." Her expression was wistful.
I sucked in a big breath of air. "Same here. After you left, I . . . came here a lot."
She looked at me, surprise filling her expression. She tilted her head. "You did?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Why?" she breathed.
"Because I missed you so much, I thought I'd die," I admitted.
Her eyes widened and she swallowed. "You did?"
"Yeah, I did." I paused. "Yeah I did," I repeated, allowing the memory of that anguish to assault me for a brief second.
She bit her lip, her brow creased in a small frown as she watched her finger trail along the shelf.
"Joey isn't mine, Tenleigh. I never even thought he was," I blurted out.
Her finger stilled. "I know."
I froze for a second and then I let out a long breath. "Shelly?"
"Yeah. She came by yesterday."
I brought my arms up and laced my hands behind my head. I couldn't say I was surprised. She'd demanded I tell Tenleigh. And I was going to . . . "I wanted to be the one to tell you myself. I just . . . I was trying to come up with the right time."
She brought her arms up and let them drop. "When is there a 'right time' to tell someone you shattered their heart with a cruel lie?" she asked.
"You wouldn't leave, Tenleigh. You were going to give up that scholarship and stay. I couldn't let you do that. I couldn't."
"There were other ways."
"Maybe. I couldn't think of any at the time. I couldn’t think of any way to guarantee you'd leave and never look back."
She snorted. "Well, you accomplished that, that's for sure." She looked away and then back to me. "Why couldn't you have come with me? Did you even want to? I mean, at the time . . . did you want me at all?" She looked like she was close to crying. I moved closer to her.
When Tenleigh had let me hold her, comfort her, it'd felt so damn good. If she never forgave me, how would I handle it? The last four years had gone by in dismal misery. But seeing her looking the way she did, classy and sure of herself, it filled me with pride. She'd done exactly what I knew she could do. That same familiar grief and loneliness welled in my chest when I thought about who she used to be, who I used to be. Because as much as I was happy about the ways she'd changed, and as much as I accepted who I was now, back then, she'd been mine. Back then, she'd looked at me with trust and love in her eyes. Back then, she'd wanted me, despite all the ways I was lacking. Back then, she'd been willing to fight tooth and nail for me. Back then . . .
Shut up, Kyland. Now is now, and you have to deal with that.
I needed a shower. This was going to be a long day. I had to be at the mine at ten, but I wanted to stop by and see the library one last time before they tore it down. I figured it'd be today or tomorrow. When I'd driven by, it looked like the construction crew was moving closer to it. That damn library . . . after Tenleigh had left, I had gone and sat in it day after day, just to feel close to her. I had sat at the small table in the back and I'd suffered. And it was no less than I deserved.
**********
I stepped into the small building, empty now—save for the shelves that were still bolted to the wall. I stood there simply looking for several quiet minutes. What was I doing here, really? I inhaled the air, closing my eyes briefly as all the memories, both happy and sad, went through my mind. I heard a small click behind me and whirled around. Tenleigh was standing there, a surprised expression on her face.
"Hi," she breathed, coming in and shutting the door behind her.
"Hi," I said, my heart picking up in speed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and an SDSU T-shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail, a few pieces falling loose.
She was the most beautiful woman in the world. To me, she always had been. She always would be.
As I stood looking at her, I realized that something had shifted between us since last night. She still looked wary, but the look in her eyes was softer, too, and it gave me hope.
"I'm sorry," I said, taking a step toward her. "If I shouldn't be here, I'll—"
"No, it's fine. The crew isn't coming for an hour or so. I just," she bit her lip, glancing away from me for a quick moment, "I just wanted to spend a little time here before they tear it down."
I nodded. "I kind of had the same idea."
Our eyes held for several beats, the air thick with that energy Tenleigh and I always seemed to create whenever we were in the same room. She nodded, walking toward me.
"You got contacts," I said softly.
She looked surprised. "I did. How'd you know?"
I ran my hand through my hair. "You used to squint. It's how I knew when you were looking at me from across a room."
She smiled. "Hmm, I didn't know anyone ever noticed that."
When it came to you, I noticed everything. I fell halfway in love with you before we ever spoke a word.
"And your voice, I mean, your accent—it's back."
She laughed softly. "My sister said the same thing. Didn't take long for my body to remember I'm a Kentucky girl."
My Kentucky girl.
She took a deep breath and looked away, running her hand along the bookshelf. "This place saved me from a lot of loneliness." Her expression was wistful.
I sucked in a big breath of air. "Same here. After you left, I . . . came here a lot."
She looked at me, surprise filling her expression. She tilted her head. "You did?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Why?" she breathed.
"Because I missed you so much, I thought I'd die," I admitted.
Her eyes widened and she swallowed. "You did?"
"Yeah, I did." I paused. "Yeah I did," I repeated, allowing the memory of that anguish to assault me for a brief second.
She bit her lip, her brow creased in a small frown as she watched her finger trail along the shelf.
"Joey isn't mine, Tenleigh. I never even thought he was," I blurted out.
Her finger stilled. "I know."
I froze for a second and then I let out a long breath. "Shelly?"
"Yeah. She came by yesterday."
I brought my arms up and laced my hands behind my head. I couldn't say I was surprised. She'd demanded I tell Tenleigh. And I was going to . . . "I wanted to be the one to tell you myself. I just . . . I was trying to come up with the right time."
She brought her arms up and let them drop. "When is there a 'right time' to tell someone you shattered their heart with a cruel lie?" she asked.
"You wouldn't leave, Tenleigh. You were going to give up that scholarship and stay. I couldn't let you do that. I couldn't."
"There were other ways."
"Maybe. I couldn't think of any at the time. I couldn’t think of any way to guarantee you'd leave and never look back."
She snorted. "Well, you accomplished that, that's for sure." She looked away and then back to me. "Why couldn't you have come with me? Did you even want to? I mean, at the time . . . did you want me at all?" She looked like she was close to crying. I moved closer to her.
