Laces and Lace
Page 108
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“Okay,” he agreed before taking her chin in his hand and lifting it up. “But you know you can tell me anything. I love you, no matter what.”
She nodded slowly. “I know. I just want to wait a bit before we discuss that, okay?”
“Sure,” he agreed, but he didn’t agree at all. He didn’t know what was going on, but something wasn’t right.
“I love you,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his.
“I love you too,” he said back, cupping her face and moving his thumb along her lip. As he watched her slowly close her eyes and heard her breathing level out, all he could do was play her question in his mind over and over again.
Is that a deal-breaker?
He wasn’t sure if it was. He wanted kids, but he wanted them with her and only her.
So if she didn’t want them, would he be okay with that?
Lacey could feel his eyes on her, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t look into his knowing eyes, not when he saw right through her. She knew that he was worried about the conversation they’d had and she was too. Practically scared to the core. She didn’t know what to say, how to tell him that she wasn’t ever bringing a child into this world. She didn’t want to break his heart; it was clear how much he wanted a child, but she wouldn’t be the one to do it for him. She didn’t know how long she lay there, but she could sense him drift back to sleep.
Finally opening her eyes, she took in his peaceful face, the way his eyelashes kissed his cheeks, the way his mouth parted, his breathing even. He was utterly gorgeous. The thought of someone else being the mother of his children ripped her to shreds as she watched him sleep. She couldn’t imagine someone else holding him, kissing his lips, and being underneath him as he moved into them. It was a heart-wrenching thought since she loved him so much, but it wouldn’t matter if he couldn’t accept her decision.
Soon tears leaked out of the side of her eyes as she cuddled into his chest, needing his comfort. When they were younger, she had always imagined having his children and watching them grow with him, but then she grew up and saw that it would be cruel for her to bring a child into this world. Especially a little girl. It would basically be a form of murder, and that wasn’t fair to her unborn child.
She wouldn’t do it.
She couldn’t do it.
And while the thought of losing Karson over it practically killed her inside, she knew it was the right choice. Even if it was one that could ultimately ruin her marriage.
She cuddled into his chest and his arms came around her, holding her close as her lips pressed onto the spot above his heart. As she lay in the cocoon of his warm arms, she wondered if she could chance it. Maybe it would work out, maybe their daughter would grow up to be a healthy adult with no problems at all. But then what if she grew up and developed the cancer Lacey had fought. The same cancer her mother and even her grandmother had had to fight? Would it be fair to watch her daughter battle for her life when she had the choice not to bring that child into the world?
She didn’t think so.
Opening her eyes, she looked up at his chin as the tears slowly leaked out of her eyes. She couldn’t do it, but she couldn’t lose him either. Would he understand once she got the balls to voice her fears? She shouldn’t be scared to tell him her deepest and darkest fears. He was supposed to support her no matter what, and she knew he would. That’s why she couldn’t tell him. He would be miserable as long as she was happy, and she couldn’t do that to him. She loved him too much.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered before kissing his chin.
“You won’t,” he answered and she swore her heart stopped. She hadn’t known he was awake. She had thought he had fallen back asleep. Looking down at her, he cupped her face and kissed her nose. “I don’t know what you are holding in, but I can practically hear your brain going a million miles a minute.”
Her heart was in her throat as his eyes searched hers. Clearing his own throat, he said, “I am here and I’m not going anywhere, Lacey, and neither are you. The sooner you realize that, the better. I bet getting all that out of your head would make you feel better too, and when you’re ready to unload it on me, I’ll be here.”
She didn’t know how to answer him so she only nodded before pressing her lips to his. She didn’t want to admit that he was right, but she bet her eyes told him he was.
“I’m sorry, Karson,” she whispered against his lips.
“For what? You’ve done nothing wrong,” he said roughly against her lips, his eyes searching hers. “Even what you are keeping in isn’t as bad as you think, I bet.”
“I just want to be with you forever,” she said and he squeezed his arms around her. Despite their wanting two totally different things, she wanted Karson for the rest of her existence. He was it for her. Her one true love.
“You will be.”
Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed to God he was right.
But she couldn’t shake the feeling that their time was limited like it had been before.
And she couldn’t shake the feeling for the next four days. Of course, Karson was amazing, always the doting husband, and he never brought up what they’d discussed in that bed. She wasn’t sure if he was giving her time or if he knew the truth and didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t know which one was worse. While she loved that he was giving her time to figure everything out, she hated it. She should just be honest, voice her choice, but it scared her that he would just accept it and live unhappily until the moment he decided she wasn’t worth it. And then she would be left alone.
She nodded slowly. “I know. I just want to wait a bit before we discuss that, okay?”
“Sure,” he agreed, but he didn’t agree at all. He didn’t know what was going on, but something wasn’t right.
“I love you,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his.
“I love you too,” he said back, cupping her face and moving his thumb along her lip. As he watched her slowly close her eyes and heard her breathing level out, all he could do was play her question in his mind over and over again.
Is that a deal-breaker?
He wasn’t sure if it was. He wanted kids, but he wanted them with her and only her.
So if she didn’t want them, would he be okay with that?
Lacey could feel his eyes on her, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t look into his knowing eyes, not when he saw right through her. She knew that he was worried about the conversation they’d had and she was too. Practically scared to the core. She didn’t know what to say, how to tell him that she wasn’t ever bringing a child into this world. She didn’t want to break his heart; it was clear how much he wanted a child, but she wouldn’t be the one to do it for him. She didn’t know how long she lay there, but she could sense him drift back to sleep.
Finally opening her eyes, she took in his peaceful face, the way his eyelashes kissed his cheeks, the way his mouth parted, his breathing even. He was utterly gorgeous. The thought of someone else being the mother of his children ripped her to shreds as she watched him sleep. She couldn’t imagine someone else holding him, kissing his lips, and being underneath him as he moved into them. It was a heart-wrenching thought since she loved him so much, but it wouldn’t matter if he couldn’t accept her decision.
Soon tears leaked out of the side of her eyes as she cuddled into his chest, needing his comfort. When they were younger, she had always imagined having his children and watching them grow with him, but then she grew up and saw that it would be cruel for her to bring a child into this world. Especially a little girl. It would basically be a form of murder, and that wasn’t fair to her unborn child.
She wouldn’t do it.
She couldn’t do it.
And while the thought of losing Karson over it practically killed her inside, she knew it was the right choice. Even if it was one that could ultimately ruin her marriage.
She cuddled into his chest and his arms came around her, holding her close as her lips pressed onto the spot above his heart. As she lay in the cocoon of his warm arms, she wondered if she could chance it. Maybe it would work out, maybe their daughter would grow up to be a healthy adult with no problems at all. But then what if she grew up and developed the cancer Lacey had fought. The same cancer her mother and even her grandmother had had to fight? Would it be fair to watch her daughter battle for her life when she had the choice not to bring that child into the world?
She didn’t think so.
Opening her eyes, she looked up at his chin as the tears slowly leaked out of her eyes. She couldn’t do it, but she couldn’t lose him either. Would he understand once she got the balls to voice her fears? She shouldn’t be scared to tell him her deepest and darkest fears. He was supposed to support her no matter what, and she knew he would. That’s why she couldn’t tell him. He would be miserable as long as she was happy, and she couldn’t do that to him. She loved him too much.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered before kissing his chin.
“You won’t,” he answered and she swore her heart stopped. She hadn’t known he was awake. She had thought he had fallen back asleep. Looking down at her, he cupped her face and kissed her nose. “I don’t know what you are holding in, but I can practically hear your brain going a million miles a minute.”
Her heart was in her throat as his eyes searched hers. Clearing his own throat, he said, “I am here and I’m not going anywhere, Lacey, and neither are you. The sooner you realize that, the better. I bet getting all that out of your head would make you feel better too, and when you’re ready to unload it on me, I’ll be here.”
She didn’t know how to answer him so she only nodded before pressing her lips to his. She didn’t want to admit that he was right, but she bet her eyes told him he was.
“I’m sorry, Karson,” she whispered against his lips.
“For what? You’ve done nothing wrong,” he said roughly against her lips, his eyes searching hers. “Even what you are keeping in isn’t as bad as you think, I bet.”
“I just want to be with you forever,” she said and he squeezed his arms around her. Despite their wanting two totally different things, she wanted Karson for the rest of her existence. He was it for her. Her one true love.
“You will be.”
Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed to God he was right.
But she couldn’t shake the feeling that their time was limited like it had been before.
And she couldn’t shake the feeling for the next four days. Of course, Karson was amazing, always the doting husband, and he never brought up what they’d discussed in that bed. She wasn’t sure if he was giving her time or if he knew the truth and didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t know which one was worse. While she loved that he was giving her time to figure everything out, she hated it. She should just be honest, voice her choice, but it scared her that he would just accept it and live unhappily until the moment he decided she wasn’t worth it. And then she would be left alone.
