Laces and Lace
Page 165
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She nodded slowly. “I won’t,” she promised. “I’m so sorry, Karson.”
“Haven’t I told you before that we are going to make mistakes? We are going to mess up, but the one thing we have to remember is that we love each other and our love will conquer all.”
“I just want to make you happy,” she whispered against his lips.
“Okay, wanna know how?” he asked, leaning back so he could see her whole face. Holding up one finger, he said, “Smile.” And then with each finger he named off something else. “Don’t hold anything back. When you’re mad, tell me. If I’m messy, tell me so I can fix it. Suck me off, I like that,” he said with a grin, causing her to grin back earnestly. He was so silly and all hers. Holding up another finger, he said, “But really, all I want is for you to be happy. As long as you are satisfied with our marriage, with me, there is nothing more I can ask for.”
Her heart sank since she knew there was something more he wanted. “A child?”
Meeting her gaze, his eyes looked sternly into hers as he said, “Let’s nip this kid thing in the bud real quick, okay?”
She could only blink as his hands slid into the waistband of her PJ pants. Her heart started to race because this was the one thing she thought would keep them apart, but by the way he was looking at her, she knew that she was completely wrong. They would work it out even though she had seen no way of that ever happening.
“Did it ever cross your pretty mind that we could adopt?”
“You don’t want that. You want a child of your own.”
“No, I want to watch you be a mother. I want to love a little person with you and raise them to be a fantastic adult. Together.”
Her lip started to quiver as she nodded. “I would love that, but I know you want a child of your own. Hell, I would love one too, but it just scares me so much.”
“I know, baby, but just think of it this way. If it is a girl, then she will be the strongest little shit in the world. Yeah, her grandma didn’t win the fight, but her momma did, and you’ll teach her to be strong. We will be proactive, teach her about everything you went through, and if, by God, it happens, we will fight. Together,” he promised as the tears spilled over her cheeks. “Nothing can stop us as long as we have each other.”
He made it sound so easy, so perfect, but could it be?
“The main thing, Lacey, is that we have to do this together. We have to make the decision together. We have to work together because we will fail if we don’t. You can’t run off or shut down every time you get scared. Talk to me; let me help you fix it because that’s what I am here for. If you need counseling to help with the years that the cancer took, then, baby, tell me and I’ll be right beside you, holding your hand. I am here to love you and support you. That’s my job, and if you don’t depend on me, then what am I supposed to do?”
She didn’t know how to answer him, so she didn’t as her gaze stayed locked with his, her heart clanking against her ribs. She could feel her body vibrating with each beat her heart took. Maybe she could use some counseling. It worked for other people, but she hadn’t gotten it because her dad wouldn’t allow her. It scared her, but with the thought of having Karson beside her, holding her hand and comforting her through all the pain, she knew she could do it. All she needed was him.
Holding her face, his thumbs wiped away her tears as he said, “I can’t promise you today or even tomorrow because I don’t know what the future holds, but, Lacey, I’ll love you no matter what. You bring out the best in me, and I don’t want anyone but you. Every single second of every day I’ll love you, and I’ll never stop.”
“I won’t either,” she vowed as she held him close. “I’ll love you no matter what.”
“Good, then we’ll be fine.”
She nodded slowly as he hugged her tightly. Closing her eyes, she nuzzled her face in his neck, her arms so tight around him, needing him more than he would ever know. He would never realize how much good he did her. How he took her soul and polished it up to perfection. He made her a better person. He gave her the strength and the love she needed.
Kissing his neck, she remembered what Grady had said earlier and cleared her throat before whispering, “My mom had me even after fighting cancer because she said she wanted to live a life that she was proud of, and she knew that a child would do that for her.”
Pulling back, he cupped her jaw as his eyes bored into hers. Swallowing past her sob, she admitted, “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do that. How can I put a death sentence on our child?”
He scoffed. “You’re stronger,” he urged, cupping her jaw. “I know you are scared, baby, I get it, but how can you not have a baby if you want one? Yeah, it could happen, but what if it doesn’t? That’s years of joy we would miss out on, and you’ll regret that. Didn’t we say we didn’t want to live with regret anymore?”
She nodded. “We did.”
“Then tell me, baby, do you want to have a child?”
She did. So fucking bad. Always had. She always imagined having Karson’s baby. Carrying it in her body and loving it more than she loved herself. As the tears fell in streams down her face, she nodded, holding his gaze. “Yes.”
“Then let’s do it. Your mom was right. This is the only life we get, and together it will be the best life we can make it. Just never forget that I’ll be right there with you, helping you, supporting you. I’ll be here as long as you want me.”
“Haven’t I told you before that we are going to make mistakes? We are going to mess up, but the one thing we have to remember is that we love each other and our love will conquer all.”
“I just want to make you happy,” she whispered against his lips.
“Okay, wanna know how?” he asked, leaning back so he could see her whole face. Holding up one finger, he said, “Smile.” And then with each finger he named off something else. “Don’t hold anything back. When you’re mad, tell me. If I’m messy, tell me so I can fix it. Suck me off, I like that,” he said with a grin, causing her to grin back earnestly. He was so silly and all hers. Holding up another finger, he said, “But really, all I want is for you to be happy. As long as you are satisfied with our marriage, with me, there is nothing more I can ask for.”
Her heart sank since she knew there was something more he wanted. “A child?”
Meeting her gaze, his eyes looked sternly into hers as he said, “Let’s nip this kid thing in the bud real quick, okay?”
She could only blink as his hands slid into the waistband of her PJ pants. Her heart started to race because this was the one thing she thought would keep them apart, but by the way he was looking at her, she knew that she was completely wrong. They would work it out even though she had seen no way of that ever happening.
“Did it ever cross your pretty mind that we could adopt?”
“You don’t want that. You want a child of your own.”
“No, I want to watch you be a mother. I want to love a little person with you and raise them to be a fantastic adult. Together.”
Her lip started to quiver as she nodded. “I would love that, but I know you want a child of your own. Hell, I would love one too, but it just scares me so much.”
“I know, baby, but just think of it this way. If it is a girl, then she will be the strongest little shit in the world. Yeah, her grandma didn’t win the fight, but her momma did, and you’ll teach her to be strong. We will be proactive, teach her about everything you went through, and if, by God, it happens, we will fight. Together,” he promised as the tears spilled over her cheeks. “Nothing can stop us as long as we have each other.”
He made it sound so easy, so perfect, but could it be?
“The main thing, Lacey, is that we have to do this together. We have to make the decision together. We have to work together because we will fail if we don’t. You can’t run off or shut down every time you get scared. Talk to me; let me help you fix it because that’s what I am here for. If you need counseling to help with the years that the cancer took, then, baby, tell me and I’ll be right beside you, holding your hand. I am here to love you and support you. That’s my job, and if you don’t depend on me, then what am I supposed to do?”
She didn’t know how to answer him, so she didn’t as her gaze stayed locked with his, her heart clanking against her ribs. She could feel her body vibrating with each beat her heart took. Maybe she could use some counseling. It worked for other people, but she hadn’t gotten it because her dad wouldn’t allow her. It scared her, but with the thought of having Karson beside her, holding her hand and comforting her through all the pain, she knew she could do it. All she needed was him.
Holding her face, his thumbs wiped away her tears as he said, “I can’t promise you today or even tomorrow because I don’t know what the future holds, but, Lacey, I’ll love you no matter what. You bring out the best in me, and I don’t want anyone but you. Every single second of every day I’ll love you, and I’ll never stop.”
“I won’t either,” she vowed as she held him close. “I’ll love you no matter what.”
“Good, then we’ll be fine.”
She nodded slowly as he hugged her tightly. Closing her eyes, she nuzzled her face in his neck, her arms so tight around him, needing him more than he would ever know. He would never realize how much good he did her. How he took her soul and polished it up to perfection. He made her a better person. He gave her the strength and the love she needed.
Kissing his neck, she remembered what Grady had said earlier and cleared her throat before whispering, “My mom had me even after fighting cancer because she said she wanted to live a life that she was proud of, and she knew that a child would do that for her.”
Pulling back, he cupped her jaw as his eyes bored into hers. Swallowing past her sob, she admitted, “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do that. How can I put a death sentence on our child?”
He scoffed. “You’re stronger,” he urged, cupping her jaw. “I know you are scared, baby, I get it, but how can you not have a baby if you want one? Yeah, it could happen, but what if it doesn’t? That’s years of joy we would miss out on, and you’ll regret that. Didn’t we say we didn’t want to live with regret anymore?”
She nodded. “We did.”
“Then tell me, baby, do you want to have a child?”
She did. So fucking bad. Always had. She always imagined having Karson’s baby. Carrying it in her body and loving it more than she loved herself. As the tears fell in streams down her face, she nodded, holding his gaze. “Yes.”
“Then let’s do it. Your mom was right. This is the only life we get, and together it will be the best life we can make it. Just never forget that I’ll be right there with you, helping you, supporting you. I’ll be here as long as you want me.”
