“No, I’m not,” he said. I looked at him and he kept on frowning. “I think you’re confused.”
“My hand’s broke, Much,” I snapped, looking away.
“And you think that’s how you fight,” he said, like light just dawned in his head. “Christ, you think your knives make you what you are?” He came closer and put his hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t turn to him. “You remember when you bought me the kattari?” he asked.
I shrugged under his hand.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Because you were whining and moping all about and complaining that you couldn’t fight.”
“So what did the kattari change?”
“Nothing,” I snapped. “I just gave you a weapon that weren’t hard for you to carry.”
“It changed something. I couldn’t fight without it.”
I shoved his hand off, glaring at him. “Of course you could! You’ve fought every damn day of your life and the person who doesn’t look at your stump of an arm and know it means you’re a better, stronger, harder fighter than someone with two hands is a damn fool.” He started to smile and I pushed him. “And if you’re trying to say I don’t need my knives to fight, it’s different!”
“How?”
My chest felt like it caved in. “Because he will hurt me. Badly. And there won’t be no band. And no Rob. And if he wants to make me every bit the scared, helpless girl, it won’t be hard.” My voice were gone, and the words were bare solid, like dust in the air.
Much stepped forward, looking into my eyes and I looked down. “Scar,” he said soft. “Scar,” he repeated, until I looked at him. “You learned to use your hands to fight for you. And you learned to trust the band to be at your back. You may have even learned to let Rob save you. But you don’t need a damn one of those things. Your power, your great gift, is that you never give up. When something fails you make a new plan, and another, and another. You never accept defeat. You never give up.”
“He’ll kill me.”
“He wants something from you, and I don’t think it’s to kill you.”
“What if it is?”
The corner of his mouth twitched up, and I frowned hard before it turned into a full smile. “Then don’t make it easy.”
I ducked my head.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he told me.
I stood. My body hurt everywhere, and I hated that Gisbourne would see the proof of this shameful thing between me and Rob. I hated that I were going. I hated that I were going alone, for the first time in years without the band behind me. Without Rob.
“Find some way to distract Rob.”
“Scar—” Much said, but he didn’t finish the breath.
“Keep him whole, Much. Find something in those books of yours to make him better. Please.”
Much caught my good arm and squeezed awful hard. “Don’t die, Scar. He doesn’t come back from this if you die.”
That bit, at least, made me smile. “Neither do I. Go on. Make it good so he don’t suspect.”
Much nodded and let go of me. I hoped it wouldn’t be forever.
John followed me to the castle. I told him to leave off, but he wouldn’t neither. He helped me climb with my hurt hand, he waited on the wall beside me as I sat there for most of the night, staring at the residences. There weren’t no candles lit by then. We didn’t talk none. Me and John weren’t the sort for that.
When light started to rise above the trees, I stood from the wall. “Bye, John,” I said to him.
Paying no mind to my bruises, he hugged me straight off my feet, then let me go. “We won’t be far. We’ll be here if you need us.”
That weren’t true. If I needed them, it would be quick and done fast, before they could charge in. I were going, and I were going alone. “I know.”
He nodded, and just stood there. I went over the wall and into the castle, and he just stood there still. Climbing up to the residences were slow and awful, using one hand to climb up while the other were useless. I sat in Gisbourne’s window with one look left for John. He were still standing there, watching.
I took a breath and looked into the room. Gisbourne were sleeping, and my fingers twitched for a knife.
Couldn’t I just kill him right there? While he slept. No mess, just a knife in the throat and he’d wake up in Heaven ’stead of his bed.
Well, it ain’t like I make such decisions, but in truth, I doubted he were meant for Heaven.
But I still wanted to be. And that meant I couldn’t honestly kill him while he slept.
I dropped one leg inside the window and left it there. That were as far into the room as I were willing to go. I let my boot scrape along the rough stone, making a soft bit of noise, and it were enough. Gisbourne pulled awake, brandishing a short sword from under his pillow.
Heave-chested and wild eyed, he found me in the room, his mouth twisted in a snarl. He swore, putting the sword down. “Marian,” he grunted. “You came.”
“Why do you want me here, Gisbourne?” I asked. My heart were hammering but I wouldn’t move none. “Tell me or I’m leaving.”
“No you’re not,” he said, lying back without a care for me. “You want that annulment. You’d never have come otherwise. So shut up and be still and I’ll tell you if I feel like it.”
“My hand’s broke, Much,” I snapped, looking away.
“And you think that’s how you fight,” he said, like light just dawned in his head. “Christ, you think your knives make you what you are?” He came closer and put his hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t turn to him. “You remember when you bought me the kattari?” he asked.
I shrugged under his hand.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Because you were whining and moping all about and complaining that you couldn’t fight.”
“So what did the kattari change?”
“Nothing,” I snapped. “I just gave you a weapon that weren’t hard for you to carry.”
“It changed something. I couldn’t fight without it.”
I shoved his hand off, glaring at him. “Of course you could! You’ve fought every damn day of your life and the person who doesn’t look at your stump of an arm and know it means you’re a better, stronger, harder fighter than someone with two hands is a damn fool.” He started to smile and I pushed him. “And if you’re trying to say I don’t need my knives to fight, it’s different!”
“How?”
My chest felt like it caved in. “Because he will hurt me. Badly. And there won’t be no band. And no Rob. And if he wants to make me every bit the scared, helpless girl, it won’t be hard.” My voice were gone, and the words were bare solid, like dust in the air.
Much stepped forward, looking into my eyes and I looked down. “Scar,” he said soft. “Scar,” he repeated, until I looked at him. “You learned to use your hands to fight for you. And you learned to trust the band to be at your back. You may have even learned to let Rob save you. But you don’t need a damn one of those things. Your power, your great gift, is that you never give up. When something fails you make a new plan, and another, and another. You never accept defeat. You never give up.”
“He’ll kill me.”
“He wants something from you, and I don’t think it’s to kill you.”
“What if it is?”
The corner of his mouth twitched up, and I frowned hard before it turned into a full smile. “Then don’t make it easy.”
I ducked my head.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he told me.
I stood. My body hurt everywhere, and I hated that Gisbourne would see the proof of this shameful thing between me and Rob. I hated that I were going. I hated that I were going alone, for the first time in years without the band behind me. Without Rob.
“Find some way to distract Rob.”
“Scar—” Much said, but he didn’t finish the breath.
“Keep him whole, Much. Find something in those books of yours to make him better. Please.”
Much caught my good arm and squeezed awful hard. “Don’t die, Scar. He doesn’t come back from this if you die.”
That bit, at least, made me smile. “Neither do I. Go on. Make it good so he don’t suspect.”
Much nodded and let go of me. I hoped it wouldn’t be forever.
John followed me to the castle. I told him to leave off, but he wouldn’t neither. He helped me climb with my hurt hand, he waited on the wall beside me as I sat there for most of the night, staring at the residences. There weren’t no candles lit by then. We didn’t talk none. Me and John weren’t the sort for that.
When light started to rise above the trees, I stood from the wall. “Bye, John,” I said to him.
Paying no mind to my bruises, he hugged me straight off my feet, then let me go. “We won’t be far. We’ll be here if you need us.”
That weren’t true. If I needed them, it would be quick and done fast, before they could charge in. I were going, and I were going alone. “I know.”
He nodded, and just stood there. I went over the wall and into the castle, and he just stood there still. Climbing up to the residences were slow and awful, using one hand to climb up while the other were useless. I sat in Gisbourne’s window with one look left for John. He were still standing there, watching.
I took a breath and looked into the room. Gisbourne were sleeping, and my fingers twitched for a knife.
Couldn’t I just kill him right there? While he slept. No mess, just a knife in the throat and he’d wake up in Heaven ’stead of his bed.
Well, it ain’t like I make such decisions, but in truth, I doubted he were meant for Heaven.
But I still wanted to be. And that meant I couldn’t honestly kill him while he slept.
I dropped one leg inside the window and left it there. That were as far into the room as I were willing to go. I let my boot scrape along the rough stone, making a soft bit of noise, and it were enough. Gisbourne pulled awake, brandishing a short sword from under his pillow.
Heave-chested and wild eyed, he found me in the room, his mouth twisted in a snarl. He swore, putting the sword down. “Marian,” he grunted. “You came.”
“Why do you want me here, Gisbourne?” I asked. My heart were hammering but I wouldn’t move none. “Tell me or I’m leaving.”
“No you’re not,” he said, lying back without a care for me. “You want that annulment. You’d never have come otherwise. So shut up and be still and I’ll tell you if I feel like it.”
