Leaving Paradise
Page 9

Mom's smile loses its brightness for a second. "I'm sure it's a mistake."
I look over at my dad. He glances at me before saying, "Caleb went through the academic program at the, uh, Department of Corrections."
Meyer puts a hand up. "That may be, Dr. Becker. But he didn't pass social studies or rack up enough credits to be a senior."
I'm going to say what I've been wanting to say all along, to hell with the consequences. "I could just drop out."
Mom frowns. "Caleb, no." Yeah, a real live public reaction!
Dad's eyebrows furrow. "Son, you're not dropping out. I'm sure Mr. Meyer can work something out. Right?"
The guy takes a deep breath and pulls out yet another folder, which seriously makes me want to laugh. He studies the contents while we all wait in silence. "Well, I could put him into a junior level social studies but keep all of his other subjects at the senior level."
"Oh, that's a wonderful idea," Mom shrieks.
Dad nods.
"He'll have to take summer school and graduate late. It's not ideal but--"
"That's fine, isn't it, Caleb?"
Oh, man. Summer school? Why don't they just stick bamboo under my fingernails instead? "Whatever it takes, Dad."
I stare out the window at the cars driving past the school and birds flying to who knows where.
"Caleb, why don't you get a class schedule from my secretary," the principal says, then checks his watch. "You can catch the last half of third period if you hurry."
Dad and Mom are silent as we exit Meyers office.
The secretary hands me a piece of paper. "Here's your class schedule."
I walk to senior English. Leave it to old Meyer to make me enter the classroom smack in the middle of class. I wince as I open the door.
I can almost hear an announcer's voice in my head. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the main attraction ... straight from juvenile jail... Caleb Becker! I feel sixty eyes on me, burning into my skull as I walk up to the teacher, Mr. Edelsen. "Can I help you?" he asks.
"I'm in this class."
Silence.
Eyes.
Muscles tightening. "Well, have a seat then."
I walk to the back of the class and pick a seat next to Drew Rudolph. We used to hang out. You know ... before.
After class I have lunch. I pay for an apple and Coke from money my parents gave me this morning. As I walk through the lunchroom, I hold my head high. Let them talk about the ex-con all they want. Facing these kids is nothing compared to the guys at the DOC.
When I turn the corner, I bump into Kendra. It's the first time we've been this close since my arrest.
"Hi, Caleb," she says with a teasing lilt to her voice. "Drew told me he saw you in English class." I nod.
"Remember when we had English together?"
Boy, do I. We used to take bathroom breaks at the same time and meet in some deserted hallway to make out and feel each other up. "I remember."
She smiles at me with her bright teeth and killer full lips. I could have kissed those lips forever. I still can.
"Well, I guess I'll catch you later," she says.
"Later," I say, watching her butt sway as she walks away.
After school, for community service, I fixed an old lady's fence and hung up her light fixture.
Before I got convicted I'd come home to find at least ten messages from Kendra, begging me to call. But this time I got home and the answering machine only had one message ... from Damon.
I called him back. Our conversation went like this.
"Caleb?"
"Yeah?"
"Good job today. On time and everything. "
"Thanks."
"Keep it up. I'll call in two days."
Woo hoo! He'll leave me alone for a whopping two days. My dad is working late tonight so it's only me, my mom, and Leah. Leah is pushing her food around on her plate, not really eating. Mom is too busy yakking to her friends on the phone. I don't think she even realizes Leah and I are sitting at the table with her. I'm thankful when everyone in my house is sleeping. It's the only time it resembles the old days.
At night I'm lying in my bed, staring at the clock like I've been doing for the past two hours. Three o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. Too many thoughts running through my useless head. Maybe I need an uncomfortable and overly used mattress like I had in the DOC in order to get a full night of sleep.
Throwing the covers back, I stand up and pace my bedroom. The picture of Kendra on my headboard is staring back at me, her smile a secret promise between the two of us. I snatch the cordless phone from the living room and take it back to my bedroom.
I dial Kendra's number, her private line that only rings in her bedroom, but I hang up before it rings. What if she's dating someone else and doesn't want to talk to me? I sure as hell don't want to be running after her if she's hanging with another guy.
I look out the window, gauging how long it'll be until the sun comes creeping up. In the DOC, there were always guys who couldn't sleep. You could see them across the way sitting in their bunks, or you could hear them tossing and turning. The new guys and youngest kids had the hardest time. They'd be crying silently, the only indication being a random sniffle or shoulders slumped over and shaking. Even though some of them were just twelve or thirteen, they tried to act like men.
But they were, in the end, just boys.
I notice a light turn on in Maggie's bedroom, the glow outlining the curtains covering her window. I have computer class with her, but usually I sit in the back while she takes a seat in the front row. I keep my head down because the kids in class are analyzing my every move. When the bell rings, Maggie is the first one out ... sometimes I think she's out of there before the bell even rings. Does she think she's the only one affected by the accident?
FOURTEEN
Maggie
I can't sleep after my nightmares and have to turn my light on to stay awake. At least this time I didn't wake Mom up screaming.
This nightmare was different. Kendra Greene drove the car, not Caleb. In all my other nightmares, it's Caleb at the wheel of the car that hit me.
I guess it's because I saw Kendra talking to Caleb in the cafeteria yesterday. He didn't see me because I sit right next to the doors so I can leave as soon as I've finished eating.
The cafeteria is a strange place. The populars can be spotted right away. They're loud and laugh a lot. The regular people sit in their own cliques, totally separate from the popular lunch tables.
I used to be a popular. Most athletes in Paradise are populars. But now I'm a loner who doesn't even mingle with the regulars, not even the lowest ones.
Loners sit by themselves, scattered throughout the lunchroom. They eat alone, then make their hasty exits.
I never knew where the loners went to, they just disappeared during lunch hour. But now that I am a loner I know that secret place.
The school library. It's the mysterious place you can go to and not be seen.
Caleb isn't afraid of attention. He walked right into the cafeteria yesterday, his head held high as if he was Mr. Meyer himself. Then he went right up to Kendra Greene and said something to make her smile. I swear everyone in the room was silent, watching them reunite. Does he know Brian and Kendra are a couple? The way Caleb stared at her butt when she walked away from him makes me think he's oblivious to what's been going on since he was in jail. Some things haven't changed.
I pull back my window curtains and stare out at Caleb's window. It's a little past three a.m. He's probably sleeping like a baby without a care in the world.
But he's not. His light is on and I see his silhouette pacing his room.
I let the curtains fall back to cover the window, turn the light off, and hurry back to bed. I can't fall into old habits, not now after everything that's happened.
The reality is I had a crush on Caleb since first grade.
He used to tease Leah and me as we played with our Barbie dolls and dressed up in costumes. But when we needed a boy to play a part in one of our shows, we could always coerce him into acting the part. And if we made up a ballet show, we could count on him to be an audience member as we jeté'd and plié'd our hearts out in front of him.
But the time I fell head over heels in love with Caleb Becker was in sixth grade, when he took the blame after I broke his mom's ceramic statue of an owl that had been given to her great-great-grandmother from some former U.S. president.
Leah was upstairs getting ready and I was waiting for her in their living room. We were going to play tennis at the park. Caleb surprised me by flying down the stairs with a Star Wars lightsaber in his hand, waving it around. I laughed and put up my racquet as a weapon, challenging him. He came at me with the saber, and I swung my racquet to ward off his attack. I counted on whacking his saber, not the ceramic owl on his mom's credenza.
His mother heard the crash and came running. Caleb said it was his fault, that he was playing around with the saber. He never named me as the one who broke the statue; he didn't even name me as an accomplice. I was too scared at the time to tell the truth, even when I knew he got grounded for a whole month. Without even realizing it, he became my hero.
After that, I used to watch Caleb through my window when he played catch with his friends or had Boy Scout
meetings in his backyard. When we were in seventh grade he started mowing the lawn while listening to music. I could hardly concentrate on my homework while I watched him weave back and forth across the lawn with the mower, his muscles bunching through his t-shirt as he gathered grass clippings and shoved them into garbage bags.
Sometimes he'd catch me looking at him and wave. Sometimes I tentatively waved back, but then I'd close my curtains and keep them closed for a week so he'd never know how I really felt about him. Other times I'd pretend I didn't see him, although I suppose he knew I'd been spying.
Caleb never let on that he liked me more than a friend. That was okay by me. I just kept up hope that one day he'd see me as a girl and not his twin sister's pesky friend.
He had girlfriends over the years, but was never serious about any of them.
Until Kendra.
They started dating in the beginning of our freshman year. Kendra hung out at his house every day after school; they were inseparable from the start. Every time I happened to glance out my window and spot them in an intimate embrace, my hopeful heart crumbled little by little.
That was also about the time my dad left. So here I was, desperately waiting for my dad and Caleb to love me as much as I loved them.
What could I do to make the ones I loved love me back? The only thing I was good at was tennis. So I practiced and played and challenged myself every day during
the summer between our freshman and sophomore year. Surely, once Caleb saw I was the only sophomore on the varsity squad, he'd notice me.
And I sent my dad articles from the local paper about my success, never forgetting to add the tennis coach's prediction that I'd make it to the Illinois state championship in October.
That season my dad never saw me play.
That season was also when Caleb lost his virginity to Kendra.
Once, just once, I saw them having sex one night under a blanket in his backyard. I never told anyone, although I could have sworn Caleb looked up at my window and knew I'd been watching.
He never said anything to me about it. And I never told Leah. She'd be grossed out anyway. In fact, after that I felt so embarrassed I stopped watching Caleb.