I pause and then say quietly, "I don't know. I just need some time, Leo. You've just caught me up on eight years of life… a really f**ked up life… for both of us." I laugh humorlessly. "Can we… can I have some space to think? Please?"
He stares straight ahead for a minute and then he starts to stand, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking me in the eye. "Yeah, it's hard for me because we've lost so much time already. But yeah, I'll give you whatever you need."
He stands up and heads straight for my door. He puts his hand on the doorknob, but doesn't turn it, and doesn't turn to look at me as he says, "Your gift with storytelling, Evie? It's not about you getting lost in your own mind, or living in a dreamland. It's about the beauty of your heart. It's about being able to rise above even the worst of situations. It's one of the reason I've loved you every single day since I was 11 years old."
And with that, he opens my door, exits and closes it quietly behind him.
I stare at the closed door for a minute and then I draw my knees up to my chest, close my eyes and let the tears fall once again.
CHAPTER 28
I end up falling asleep on my couch, exhausted, mentally and physically by everything that's happened over the past twenty four hours.
I feel achy and hollow and I think, numbly that this must be what people mean when they say they're "heartsick."
When I wake up, it's after eight and so I put a single sized frozen pizza in the oven, and then stand at the kitchen counter as I eat it.
I fall into bed at ten after watching Braveheart on dvd and I sleep straight through until seven a.m. when my alarm goes off.
I drag myself to work, and as I pull my cart into the penthouse suite, memories of me and Jake, no Leo, in the chair in the bedroom assault me.
I put in my headphones and begin to clean and my mind goes to work too, trying to make sense of everything Leo dumped in my lap yesterday.
I'm not an expert by any means on male sexual abuse but I have to imagine that it's a really complicated issue, since the abuser most likely doesn't use force or violence. Lauren definitely didn't, although it's clear to me that she took advantage of the naiveté and innocence of a minor, her son for God's sake! Even if Leo himself refuses to put the responsibility entirely on her shoulders.
Maybe I should talk to an expert on this subject to try to understand it better? God, what a completely disgusting situation. I thought I had heard it all. But it was always these types of stories that preceded kids getting put in foster care. I shake my head.
But what of his decision to let me hang because of his own shame? I think back to the devastation and desperation I felt as the months went by with no word from him. And then I picture him there in San Diego, numbing himself with alcohol and drugs, ha**ng s*x with multitudes (apparently) of random girls and then women.
I cringe. But, God, he was 15! And he was a kid from a messed up background, with absolutely no one to guide him. He made the wrong choice, but can I forgive him now for what he did then, knowing he'd go back and council that hurt, confused kid if he could and help him make a different decision?
And then the third issue, the lie he told to insert himself into my life, again putting his own needs and wants before mine. I can't completely say that his thinking was off base. As I'm pondering all this, I have the advantage (disadvantage?) of knowing that me and Leo are magic together, we fit in every way there is to fit. It would be easier to write Leo off as someone from my past who let me down and can't be trusted if I wasn't intimately acquainted now with the man. And he's a good man. I can't deny that.
Is this so confusing? Am I answering my own questions easily? Or am I trying too hard to make this okay because I'm in love with Jake, er, Leo Madsen?
I stop vacuuming as that thought resinates. I'm in love with Jake/Leo Madsen. Yes, I'm definitely in love with the man. I have been for a while now. I loved the boy, yes. But my love for the man is of an intensity I never could have imagined when I was 14 years old.
I just need to live with these thoughts for a day or two. I'm sorry, Leo, I know you don't want to give me a lot of time, but you can't rush this either. I push my cart out of the room and continue down the hall.
**********
The next day, I meet Landon for coffee after work and fill him in on everything that's happened since I last saw him, finally also telling him all about Leo… Jake… who is Leo. God!
He stares at me with his mouth hanging open slightly after I've talked for a solid thirty minutes.
"Is there a reason you invited me to coffee to lay all this on me instead of for shots in a bar? Jesus!"
I smile softly, "Yeah, I'm on the wagon temporarily. If I start drinking now, I might never stop."
"Right. Well, wow is the understatement of the century. What are you going to do?"
I sigh, "I'm still trying to figure it out." Then I start telling him what I've worked out so far and why.
He nods. "I don't condone lying, Fancy, but if I think about it, I can understand his case for wanting to start out with a clean slate and see what you two could be all about together. I don't know that it was right, and it certainly wasn't honest, but I can see where his mind was."
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek, "I don't like it, but at the same time, it is more difficult for me to discount the fact that we are really good together. What's hard is that I think I would have given him a chance to explain and I would have tried to listen to him if he had just presented himself as Leo right off the bat." I frown, "I think."
"He didn't want to count on that though. And he had just spent six months lying in a hospital bed realizing that you were and are the only woman he'll ever love. He kind of had a lot riding on you accepting him back into your life." He holds his hands up, "Just playing devil's advocate."
I sigh, "I know. There are just so many different levels of emotion for me. I'm trying to sort through them all."
He's quiet for a minute or two. "You know, I know a little bit about male sexual abuse." He's looking at me nervously.
"What?" I whisper. "Oh my God, Lan, you never said anything."
"I know. It's a really hard topic for me even though I've made a lot of peace with what happened to me. I wanted to tell you so many times but it's just such a hard thing to bring up. I have to give Leo props for talking about all the details of it with you. It's a really confusing issue for us survivors."
"Who was it? How old were you?" I ask quietly.
"I was 14. It was a neighbor who was a few years older than me. Thankfully, he moved away shortly after he started abusing me. But I carried it with me for a while before I finally told my mom. I had started acting out and she was confused, didn't understand why. One day I broke down and told her everything. She got me into counseling really quickly after that."
He goes on, "One of the most confusing parts for me was feeling like I must have wanted it to happen since my body cooperated. It sounds like maybe Leo struggles with that issue too. It's pretty common."
I nod, "Definitely, he takes responsibility for letting it happen, and then letting it continue."
"The thing is, perpetrators of sexual abuse are master manipulators at making their victim feel at least partially responsible. That way, they're less likely to report it. Plus, he had the added element of his abuser being a woman and his adoptive mom."
He grimaces but continues, "Talking to an expert would help him see that acting out and being sexually promiscuous is actually really common for people who have experienced something like he did. I don't know if I would be doing as well as I am without having talked to someone about it."
My eyes well up and I take Landon's hand. "Thank you for sharing your story with me. Just another reason why you're so incredible, Lan."
He smiles, "I know you have a lot of feelings wrapped up in your boy, good and bad, and I know that you're still deciding if you're going to be able to move past the things he is responsible for that hurt you. But he's a survivor too, just like I am, and he deserves a lot of credit for coming out on the other side of that. Not everyone does so well."
I squeeze his hand and say, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
He grins at me, "I don't blame you. I'm very lovable."
**********
I spend the next couple of days laying low. I basically go to work, come home and go back to work.
I spend two hours on the phone with Nicole Monday night updating her and although re-telling Jake's story makes me emotional once again, Nicole succeeds in making me laugh as usual. I have such amazing friends.
When I get home from work Tuesday night, there is a manila envelope under the door of my apartment and I open it up as I kick off my shoes, arching and flexing my feet to work the soreness out.
There are two pages inside and I pull out the first. My breath catches as I realize that it's from Leo and I realize what it is. It's the letter he had started writing to me when he arrived in San Diego.
Oh God!
I fall to my couch and with shaking hands, I start reading his teenage handwriting. He kept it.
Monday:
Dear Evie,
I miss you already. So much, you wouldn't even believe. Or hopefully you would, because hopefully you're missing me just as much.
We flew in over the ocean last night and all I could think of was how much I wanted to be having that experience with you. I keep collecting things in my mind that I want to tell you, show you, experience with you. I'm going to write them all down so that when I come for you in just four short years, we can start on the list. Nothing is as fun or interesting as it is with you. I don't know how you do that - how you make the most mundane things seem magical. Maybe that's just what love does. And I do love you, Evelyn Cruise. I love you down to my bones.
P.S. I put my address and phone number at the bottom of this letter. Write to me as soon as you get this!
Tuesday:
E - It's so weird to call someone else mom and dad, but that's what Lauren and Phil have asked me to call them - Phil seemed more enthusiastic about it and Lauren looked kind of mad but I think it might just be because she thinks she looks too young to have a teenage son. She's pretty for a mom, but no one is as pretty as you. When you look at me with your big, brown eyes and you smile that smile reserved just for me, I think my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I am picturing your perfect lips right now and I want to kiss you again so much it hurts. I keep reliving our kiss and thinking about how it was the best moment of my whole life.
My mom (Lauren) asked me today if I might want to start going by Jacob, or Jake as sort of a fresh start here. I thought about it and I thought about how it might be nice to leave the person that I was in the past, to leave my life there behind. But then I realized that that would include you and so I said no. Yours, - L
Wednesday:
Hi, Evie,
We went to a restaurant last night where the ocean waves come right up on the glass windows! It was wild, but beautiful. I didn't want to tell my mom and dad that it was the first "real" restaurant I had ever been in because whenever I say stuff like that, they get these sad looks on their faces and it makes me feel small. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. You always do. That's the thing I miss the most about being with you.
I felt sad in the pit of my stomach when I thought about that last night and so instead I thought about how this was the place I was going to take you when I propose to you. I guess it won't be a real surprise if I tell you now, but you already know I'm going to marry you someday and so it's okay if you know the place I want to ask you. I'll try to keep the ring and the words I plan to say to you under wraps. haha.
I love you, Evie. I'll love you forever.
Your Leo
I sob, hot tears of sorrow coursing down my cheeks as I picture myself waiting for that letter and I picture Leo writing it, still hopeful, still my beautiful boy, up until that very next day.
I want to punch something, to throw something and hear it shatter, to make the sound that should accompany the feeling in my chest.
When I calm down, I sit staring at the wall for several minutes, gathering myself before I pull out the second letter, obviously written recently, in his adult hand.
To my Evie, the one who knew how to love me before I knew how to love myself,
I already told you about how I laid in that hospital bed for six months, reflecting on my life, reflecting on all the reasons that I couldn't stand to be alone with myself long enough to really think about who I was or what I was feeling.
What I didn't tell you was what a central role you played in helping me move towards a place of healing. My Evie, the strongest, purest person I've ever known. A person who was placed in the worst of circumstances in this life and yet selflessly loved and cared for those around her. How was it that someone so full of goodness and light ever even noticed a person like me? How did you see in me - what I was struggling so hard to see in myself?
I kept wondering why, all those years, when you looked straight into my eyes, unflinching, seeing the real me, what made you linger and come back? What made you love me despite who I believed myself to be? I thought about that hour after hour and the only conclusion I could come to was that maybe, just maybe, there was something decent in me, maybe something that was close to good. It was the first time I had ever had that thought and it stunned me just to ponder the possibility.
All those months, staring at the ceiling and staring into my own soul, you, Evie, you were the miracle that I kept coming back to again and again - that all those years ago, you chose me.
He stares straight ahead for a minute and then he starts to stand, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking me in the eye. "Yeah, it's hard for me because we've lost so much time already. But yeah, I'll give you whatever you need."
He stands up and heads straight for my door. He puts his hand on the doorknob, but doesn't turn it, and doesn't turn to look at me as he says, "Your gift with storytelling, Evie? It's not about you getting lost in your own mind, or living in a dreamland. It's about the beauty of your heart. It's about being able to rise above even the worst of situations. It's one of the reason I've loved you every single day since I was 11 years old."
And with that, he opens my door, exits and closes it quietly behind him.
I stare at the closed door for a minute and then I draw my knees up to my chest, close my eyes and let the tears fall once again.
CHAPTER 28
I end up falling asleep on my couch, exhausted, mentally and physically by everything that's happened over the past twenty four hours.
I feel achy and hollow and I think, numbly that this must be what people mean when they say they're "heartsick."
When I wake up, it's after eight and so I put a single sized frozen pizza in the oven, and then stand at the kitchen counter as I eat it.
I fall into bed at ten after watching Braveheart on dvd and I sleep straight through until seven a.m. when my alarm goes off.
I drag myself to work, and as I pull my cart into the penthouse suite, memories of me and Jake, no Leo, in the chair in the bedroom assault me.
I put in my headphones and begin to clean and my mind goes to work too, trying to make sense of everything Leo dumped in my lap yesterday.
I'm not an expert by any means on male sexual abuse but I have to imagine that it's a really complicated issue, since the abuser most likely doesn't use force or violence. Lauren definitely didn't, although it's clear to me that she took advantage of the naiveté and innocence of a minor, her son for God's sake! Even if Leo himself refuses to put the responsibility entirely on her shoulders.
Maybe I should talk to an expert on this subject to try to understand it better? God, what a completely disgusting situation. I thought I had heard it all. But it was always these types of stories that preceded kids getting put in foster care. I shake my head.
But what of his decision to let me hang because of his own shame? I think back to the devastation and desperation I felt as the months went by with no word from him. And then I picture him there in San Diego, numbing himself with alcohol and drugs, ha**ng s*x with multitudes (apparently) of random girls and then women.
I cringe. But, God, he was 15! And he was a kid from a messed up background, with absolutely no one to guide him. He made the wrong choice, but can I forgive him now for what he did then, knowing he'd go back and council that hurt, confused kid if he could and help him make a different decision?
And then the third issue, the lie he told to insert himself into my life, again putting his own needs and wants before mine. I can't completely say that his thinking was off base. As I'm pondering all this, I have the advantage (disadvantage?) of knowing that me and Leo are magic together, we fit in every way there is to fit. It would be easier to write Leo off as someone from my past who let me down and can't be trusted if I wasn't intimately acquainted now with the man. And he's a good man. I can't deny that.
Is this so confusing? Am I answering my own questions easily? Or am I trying too hard to make this okay because I'm in love with Jake, er, Leo Madsen?
I stop vacuuming as that thought resinates. I'm in love with Jake/Leo Madsen. Yes, I'm definitely in love with the man. I have been for a while now. I loved the boy, yes. But my love for the man is of an intensity I never could have imagined when I was 14 years old.
I just need to live with these thoughts for a day or two. I'm sorry, Leo, I know you don't want to give me a lot of time, but you can't rush this either. I push my cart out of the room and continue down the hall.
**********
The next day, I meet Landon for coffee after work and fill him in on everything that's happened since I last saw him, finally also telling him all about Leo… Jake… who is Leo. God!
He stares at me with his mouth hanging open slightly after I've talked for a solid thirty minutes.
"Is there a reason you invited me to coffee to lay all this on me instead of for shots in a bar? Jesus!"
I smile softly, "Yeah, I'm on the wagon temporarily. If I start drinking now, I might never stop."
"Right. Well, wow is the understatement of the century. What are you going to do?"
I sigh, "I'm still trying to figure it out." Then I start telling him what I've worked out so far and why.
He nods. "I don't condone lying, Fancy, but if I think about it, I can understand his case for wanting to start out with a clean slate and see what you two could be all about together. I don't know that it was right, and it certainly wasn't honest, but I can see where his mind was."
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek, "I don't like it, but at the same time, it is more difficult for me to discount the fact that we are really good together. What's hard is that I think I would have given him a chance to explain and I would have tried to listen to him if he had just presented himself as Leo right off the bat." I frown, "I think."
"He didn't want to count on that though. And he had just spent six months lying in a hospital bed realizing that you were and are the only woman he'll ever love. He kind of had a lot riding on you accepting him back into your life." He holds his hands up, "Just playing devil's advocate."
I sigh, "I know. There are just so many different levels of emotion for me. I'm trying to sort through them all."
He's quiet for a minute or two. "You know, I know a little bit about male sexual abuse." He's looking at me nervously.
"What?" I whisper. "Oh my God, Lan, you never said anything."
"I know. It's a really hard topic for me even though I've made a lot of peace with what happened to me. I wanted to tell you so many times but it's just such a hard thing to bring up. I have to give Leo props for talking about all the details of it with you. It's a really confusing issue for us survivors."
"Who was it? How old were you?" I ask quietly.
"I was 14. It was a neighbor who was a few years older than me. Thankfully, he moved away shortly after he started abusing me. But I carried it with me for a while before I finally told my mom. I had started acting out and she was confused, didn't understand why. One day I broke down and told her everything. She got me into counseling really quickly after that."
He goes on, "One of the most confusing parts for me was feeling like I must have wanted it to happen since my body cooperated. It sounds like maybe Leo struggles with that issue too. It's pretty common."
I nod, "Definitely, he takes responsibility for letting it happen, and then letting it continue."
"The thing is, perpetrators of sexual abuse are master manipulators at making their victim feel at least partially responsible. That way, they're less likely to report it. Plus, he had the added element of his abuser being a woman and his adoptive mom."
He grimaces but continues, "Talking to an expert would help him see that acting out and being sexually promiscuous is actually really common for people who have experienced something like he did. I don't know if I would be doing as well as I am without having talked to someone about it."
My eyes well up and I take Landon's hand. "Thank you for sharing your story with me. Just another reason why you're so incredible, Lan."
He smiles, "I know you have a lot of feelings wrapped up in your boy, good and bad, and I know that you're still deciding if you're going to be able to move past the things he is responsible for that hurt you. But he's a survivor too, just like I am, and he deserves a lot of credit for coming out on the other side of that. Not everyone does so well."
I squeeze his hand and say, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
He grins at me, "I don't blame you. I'm very lovable."
**********
I spend the next couple of days laying low. I basically go to work, come home and go back to work.
I spend two hours on the phone with Nicole Monday night updating her and although re-telling Jake's story makes me emotional once again, Nicole succeeds in making me laugh as usual. I have such amazing friends.
When I get home from work Tuesday night, there is a manila envelope under the door of my apartment and I open it up as I kick off my shoes, arching and flexing my feet to work the soreness out.
There are two pages inside and I pull out the first. My breath catches as I realize that it's from Leo and I realize what it is. It's the letter he had started writing to me when he arrived in San Diego.
Oh God!
I fall to my couch and with shaking hands, I start reading his teenage handwriting. He kept it.
Monday:
Dear Evie,
I miss you already. So much, you wouldn't even believe. Or hopefully you would, because hopefully you're missing me just as much.
We flew in over the ocean last night and all I could think of was how much I wanted to be having that experience with you. I keep collecting things in my mind that I want to tell you, show you, experience with you. I'm going to write them all down so that when I come for you in just four short years, we can start on the list. Nothing is as fun or interesting as it is with you. I don't know how you do that - how you make the most mundane things seem magical. Maybe that's just what love does. And I do love you, Evelyn Cruise. I love you down to my bones.
P.S. I put my address and phone number at the bottom of this letter. Write to me as soon as you get this!
Tuesday:
E - It's so weird to call someone else mom and dad, but that's what Lauren and Phil have asked me to call them - Phil seemed more enthusiastic about it and Lauren looked kind of mad but I think it might just be because she thinks she looks too young to have a teenage son. She's pretty for a mom, but no one is as pretty as you. When you look at me with your big, brown eyes and you smile that smile reserved just for me, I think my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I am picturing your perfect lips right now and I want to kiss you again so much it hurts. I keep reliving our kiss and thinking about how it was the best moment of my whole life.
My mom (Lauren) asked me today if I might want to start going by Jacob, or Jake as sort of a fresh start here. I thought about it and I thought about how it might be nice to leave the person that I was in the past, to leave my life there behind. But then I realized that that would include you and so I said no. Yours, - L
Wednesday:
Hi, Evie,
We went to a restaurant last night where the ocean waves come right up on the glass windows! It was wild, but beautiful. I didn't want to tell my mom and dad that it was the first "real" restaurant I had ever been in because whenever I say stuff like that, they get these sad looks on their faces and it makes me feel small. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. You always do. That's the thing I miss the most about being with you.
I felt sad in the pit of my stomach when I thought about that last night and so instead I thought about how this was the place I was going to take you when I propose to you. I guess it won't be a real surprise if I tell you now, but you already know I'm going to marry you someday and so it's okay if you know the place I want to ask you. I'll try to keep the ring and the words I plan to say to you under wraps. haha.
I love you, Evie. I'll love you forever.
Your Leo
I sob, hot tears of sorrow coursing down my cheeks as I picture myself waiting for that letter and I picture Leo writing it, still hopeful, still my beautiful boy, up until that very next day.
I want to punch something, to throw something and hear it shatter, to make the sound that should accompany the feeling in my chest.
When I calm down, I sit staring at the wall for several minutes, gathering myself before I pull out the second letter, obviously written recently, in his adult hand.
To my Evie, the one who knew how to love me before I knew how to love myself,
I already told you about how I laid in that hospital bed for six months, reflecting on my life, reflecting on all the reasons that I couldn't stand to be alone with myself long enough to really think about who I was or what I was feeling.
What I didn't tell you was what a central role you played in helping me move towards a place of healing. My Evie, the strongest, purest person I've ever known. A person who was placed in the worst of circumstances in this life and yet selflessly loved and cared for those around her. How was it that someone so full of goodness and light ever even noticed a person like me? How did you see in me - what I was struggling so hard to see in myself?
I kept wondering why, all those years, when you looked straight into my eyes, unflinching, seeing the real me, what made you linger and come back? What made you love me despite who I believed myself to be? I thought about that hour after hour and the only conclusion I could come to was that maybe, just maybe, there was something decent in me, maybe something that was close to good. It was the first time I had ever had that thought and it stunned me just to ponder the possibility.
All those months, staring at the ceiling and staring into my own soul, you, Evie, you were the miracle that I kept coming back to again and again - that all those years ago, you chose me.
