“I’m not in love with him!”
Graham made a face, and my mom looked at me like she was waiting for me to realize something. But I couldn’t. I refused to think about it. Because if they were right . . . no, they couldn’t be. I couldn’t do that to Ben. Not letting my mind go in that direction, I focused on nothing but memories of Ben as I ran up the stairs and to my room.
Jagger
May 23, 2014
LIFTING THE BOTTLE to my lips, I took a long pull of the beer before setting it down beside me, my eyes never leaving the unfinished drawing at the end of the hall as the fingers of my other hand folded and unfolded a nine-year-old note. As the pad of my thumb ran over the worn paper, the words scrawled on it played over and over in my head, as if they were mocking me. Words I’d wanted to say forever, and words I hadn’t even gotten out today. If I’d thought before that they were words Grey would never hear, I knew now for a fact that if she were to hear them, they would destroy whatever remained of our friendship. Crumpling up the note, I tossed it aside and raked my hands over my head and down my face, keeping my face planted firmly in them as I wished for time to go back.
If only I hadn’t been blasting my music—I would have heard her come in. If only I would have known she was coming over this morning—I wouldn’t have been drawing, she wouldn’t have seen it or the other drawings of her, and I wouldn’t have confessed something that should have never been voiced. A dozen other if-onlys went through my mind as I sat there thinking about her horrified expression when I told her I loved her.
My phone beeped, and I grabbed it off the floor. I sighed roughly and ground my jaw when I saw the name, but opened the message anyway.
Graham: I thought you should know . . . Grey just left for Seattle. She said she’s going to spend the summer with Janie. I’m sorry, man.
I read the message three times, before quickly going through my phone to call Grey. It rang until her voice mail picked up, and I hung up only to call her again—getting the same result. Without leaving a message, I called Graham.
“Hey—”
“When did she leave?” I asked quickly, cutting him off.
“Right before I texted you. I’m really sorry, Jagger, she told us about what happened this morning.”
My eyes widened and I let my head fall back until it hit the wall I was sitting against. I waited for Graham to start yelling, to tell me I wasn’t good enough for Grey, to hate me for being the reason she left . . . but it never came. “Why are you even telling me? Why are you sorry?”
There was a strange laugh on the other end of the phone, and he sighed. “Grey seemed to think I hated you too,” he mused. “I don’t hate you. There were times I wanted to. Times I wondered if you were going to try to mess up things for her and Ben because it wasn’t hard to see how you felt about her. After he died, I kept waiting for you to make your move on her—”
“You f**king ass**le,” I growled, but he spoke louder before I could continue.
“She’s my baby sister, dude. I wasn’t around the three of you enough to know what you would do. Obviously I was wrong in thinking that. But I always kept my guard up with you, because I just never knew what to expect. I told Grey this morning, I respect you. I respect what you did for her as a friend, and what you did for Ben as his. You have no idea how much I appreciate what you’ve done for her in the last two years. You helped her more than any of us could, and you did it without caring that she had no f**king clue how you felt. You think I would have let her leave with just anyone after what happened the night of your graduation? Fuck no. I want to be able to help her; I want to be able to protect her from all the bad shit in the world. She should be my responsibility, but I’ve been here while she was finishing school. Letting her leave with you was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made, because I know you are who she needs.”
I sat there, not able to say anything. I would’ve never expected anything like this from Graham.
“When she was a kid, she needed me and our dad. When she got older, she needed Ben. Now she needs you. I know she’s in love with you too, we all do.”
I forced a laugh, but it sounded pained. “No. No, she’s not. You didn’t see her face this morning.”
“I saw her after. I don’t know what happened there, but I witnessed her freaking out over here. I’m not saying she’s not denying it, but I know she loves you. She’s scared, Jagger, that’s all.”
“I don’t—”
“She thinks she’s not allowed to love you. Because of Ben, because of what you were to him . . . but she does, just trust us on this. She’s always loved you, you’ve always been close, and that’s changed into something more over the last two years. I want to tell you to go after her, but I think she needs this. She needs time away from this place and from you so she can see what exactly you mean to her now. Give her a couple weeks, Jagger, she’ll be back.”
I let the phone slide from my hand after we ended the call, and sat there for another hour until it got to be too much. Stalking through the building, I went up to my room and shrugged into a shirt before jogging out to my car. I drove to the edge of town and parked my car so the headlights were lighting my path.
Squatting down in front of the headstone, I stared at it as I tried to calm my shaking, and broke instead. I stumbled back so I was sitting, and planted my elbows on my knees as a sob tore through my chest.
Graham made a face, and my mom looked at me like she was waiting for me to realize something. But I couldn’t. I refused to think about it. Because if they were right . . . no, they couldn’t be. I couldn’t do that to Ben. Not letting my mind go in that direction, I focused on nothing but memories of Ben as I ran up the stairs and to my room.
Jagger
May 23, 2014
LIFTING THE BOTTLE to my lips, I took a long pull of the beer before setting it down beside me, my eyes never leaving the unfinished drawing at the end of the hall as the fingers of my other hand folded and unfolded a nine-year-old note. As the pad of my thumb ran over the worn paper, the words scrawled on it played over and over in my head, as if they were mocking me. Words I’d wanted to say forever, and words I hadn’t even gotten out today. If I’d thought before that they were words Grey would never hear, I knew now for a fact that if she were to hear them, they would destroy whatever remained of our friendship. Crumpling up the note, I tossed it aside and raked my hands over my head and down my face, keeping my face planted firmly in them as I wished for time to go back.
If only I hadn’t been blasting my music—I would have heard her come in. If only I would have known she was coming over this morning—I wouldn’t have been drawing, she wouldn’t have seen it or the other drawings of her, and I wouldn’t have confessed something that should have never been voiced. A dozen other if-onlys went through my mind as I sat there thinking about her horrified expression when I told her I loved her.
My phone beeped, and I grabbed it off the floor. I sighed roughly and ground my jaw when I saw the name, but opened the message anyway.
Graham: I thought you should know . . . Grey just left for Seattle. She said she’s going to spend the summer with Janie. I’m sorry, man.
I read the message three times, before quickly going through my phone to call Grey. It rang until her voice mail picked up, and I hung up only to call her again—getting the same result. Without leaving a message, I called Graham.
“Hey—”
“When did she leave?” I asked quickly, cutting him off.
“Right before I texted you. I’m really sorry, Jagger, she told us about what happened this morning.”
My eyes widened and I let my head fall back until it hit the wall I was sitting against. I waited for Graham to start yelling, to tell me I wasn’t good enough for Grey, to hate me for being the reason she left . . . but it never came. “Why are you even telling me? Why are you sorry?”
There was a strange laugh on the other end of the phone, and he sighed. “Grey seemed to think I hated you too,” he mused. “I don’t hate you. There were times I wanted to. Times I wondered if you were going to try to mess up things for her and Ben because it wasn’t hard to see how you felt about her. After he died, I kept waiting for you to make your move on her—”
“You f**king ass**le,” I growled, but he spoke louder before I could continue.
“She’s my baby sister, dude. I wasn’t around the three of you enough to know what you would do. Obviously I was wrong in thinking that. But I always kept my guard up with you, because I just never knew what to expect. I told Grey this morning, I respect you. I respect what you did for her as a friend, and what you did for Ben as his. You have no idea how much I appreciate what you’ve done for her in the last two years. You helped her more than any of us could, and you did it without caring that she had no f**king clue how you felt. You think I would have let her leave with just anyone after what happened the night of your graduation? Fuck no. I want to be able to help her; I want to be able to protect her from all the bad shit in the world. She should be my responsibility, but I’ve been here while she was finishing school. Letting her leave with you was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made, because I know you are who she needs.”
I sat there, not able to say anything. I would’ve never expected anything like this from Graham.
“When she was a kid, she needed me and our dad. When she got older, she needed Ben. Now she needs you. I know she’s in love with you too, we all do.”
I forced a laugh, but it sounded pained. “No. No, she’s not. You didn’t see her face this morning.”
“I saw her after. I don’t know what happened there, but I witnessed her freaking out over here. I’m not saying she’s not denying it, but I know she loves you. She’s scared, Jagger, that’s all.”
“I don’t—”
“She thinks she’s not allowed to love you. Because of Ben, because of what you were to him . . . but she does, just trust us on this. She’s always loved you, you’ve always been close, and that’s changed into something more over the last two years. I want to tell you to go after her, but I think she needs this. She needs time away from this place and from you so she can see what exactly you mean to her now. Give her a couple weeks, Jagger, she’ll be back.”
I let the phone slide from my hand after we ended the call, and sat there for another hour until it got to be too much. Stalking through the building, I went up to my room and shrugged into a shirt before jogging out to my car. I drove to the edge of town and parked my car so the headlights were lighting my path.
Squatting down in front of the headstone, I stared at it as I tried to calm my shaking, and broke instead. I stumbled back so I was sitting, and planted my elbows on my knees as a sob tore through my chest.
