Grey looked at the picture of her and Ben for a little while longer before putting my phone down, and a broken sigh filled my car. Reaching out, I grabbed her hand and was relieved when she squeezed mine tightly.
“We’ll figure it out,” I promised.
“I know. It’s just hard, and it makes it worse because I still can’t figure out who would want to do this to both of us.” She said the last part to herself and stayed silent for the rest of the drive to the lake; the entire time I was dreading telling her about Charlie.
I tried thinking of a dozen different ways of telling her so it wouldn’t reflect badly on my sister. But by the time Grey again asked me where I’d gone, when we were lying on the dock, I still hadn’t figured out a better way to tell her, and I ended up saying it exactly as it had gone. From that first night in my place to how Charlie had reacted when she found out we were together, and then finally tonight.
It was safe to say Charlie had been the last person Gray had expected me to start talking about, and I hated how unsure of herself she looked, and confused about everything she’d thought she’d known. Like me, Grey hadn’t had any clue that Charlie had been in love with Ben, and everything my sister had confessed to me tonight seemed to hit Grey twice as hard as it had hit me.
“It makes sense, I guess. Ben always had a soft spot for Charlie . . . he was just as protective of her as you were. Why wouldn’t she fall in love with a guy who treated her the way Ben did?” she mumbled a couple minutes after I’d finished telling her everything. “God, I feel so stupid. Every time I’ve seen her I’ve thought—I don’t know, but I feel like—I just don’t understand,” she rambled. “And what does that say about me if I’m moving on, and she’s not—and she wasn’t even with him?”
“Grey,” I crooned. “Nothing. It says nothing about you. It just says that Charlie hasn’t tried to get past it. No one knew about her feelings for Ben, so she probably didn’t grieve the way she should have. But this . . .” I rolled over so I was looking down at her and cupped her cheek. “Us? It doesn’t say anything about either of us, I promise.”
She nodded, but I knew by her expression that she wasn’t sure whether or not she should believe me, and that terrified me. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to tell her what she meant to me, but only because I needed to reassure myself that we were okay, that she wasn’t pulling away from me again because of what had happened. And I knew I couldn’t do that when it was only days ago that we’d gotten past her shutting me out . . . and now it was happening all over again. The one thing that had stopped her from acknowledging her feelings about me in the first place—her relationship with Ben—was now constantly being thrown in her face.
What she and Ben had before he died was something I knew I’d never be able to have with her. They’d promised each other forever—and now she was moving on with me . . . his best friend. I knew she felt like she was cheating on Ben again; it was all over her face.
Trying to hide my own pain and fear, I rolled back over and stared up at the night sky as we fell into a silence—only this one felt weighted. It was scaring the shit out of me.
By the time I’d gotten her back to her parents’ house, she’d said only a handful of words, and she hugged me good-bye as if it were an afterthought. I stood there for long minutes after she shut the door before I was able to force myself to my car and drive back home. I’d known I was slowly losing her over the last two weeks, but everything about tonight screamed that I wasn’t losing her anymore. I’d lost her.
Chapter 12
Grey
August 13, 2014
I GOT READY to go to bed in a daze, everything Jagger had told me tonight playing through my mind over and over. I was embarrassed that I’d been going on with my friendship with Charlie when she’d been so upset and angry with me. I didn’t know what to feel anymore about everything from “Ben,” and I was back to feeling like I was betraying him.
It wasn’t until I was in my bed that I realized I couldn’t remember even driving back to the house with Jagger, and I didn’t remember saying good night to him. I didn’t know what he was thinking about all of this, and at the moment, I didn’t know where we stood in our relationship.
I lay there for what felt like hours, going over everything that had happened with Jagger, and everything from my time with Ben. I’d told Jagger that I couldn’t lose him, and promised him that he wasn’t losing me, but it felt like that was exactly what was happening. And I was causing it to happen. I was the reason there was this sudden distance between us, and I knew it would only grow if I let it—and I knew I would. I could easily get so lost in my grief to the point where I’d make sure my future with Jagger never happened.
Gripping Ben’s ring in my hand, I blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes and scrambled out of bed. I didn’t bother with a bra, I just slipped into my sandals and threw my hair up in a messy bun as I ran down the stairs and out to my car.
I raced down the roads of our small town, and was thankful none of the sheriffs were around since I’d left my purse and driver’s license at the house in my rush to leave. Pulling into the lot, I stared ahead as I gripped the steering wheel and, after a few calming breaths, finally got out of my car. I walked slowly until I was in front of the shiny stone, and sank down to the ground.
“Hey,” I whispered as I traced the letters and dates. “I miss you so much,” I choked out, and had to swallow down the tightness in my throat a few times before I could speak again. “I miss you, and I still love you. I know whoever is doing this isn’t you. I know that even though there are times when it’s easy to let myself think you’re the one trying to force Jagger and me apart. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? Just like I would want for you to be happy, I know that’s what you want for both of us. And somehow I know that Jagger is the only man you would trust to keep me safe. Maybe it’s because you knew he loved me and tried not to flaunt our relationship in front of him. Maybe it’s because you knew him better than anyone. Whatever the reason, I know when I’m with him that this is right. I love you, Ben, but I love him too.”
“We’ll figure it out,” I promised.
“I know. It’s just hard, and it makes it worse because I still can’t figure out who would want to do this to both of us.” She said the last part to herself and stayed silent for the rest of the drive to the lake; the entire time I was dreading telling her about Charlie.
I tried thinking of a dozen different ways of telling her so it wouldn’t reflect badly on my sister. But by the time Grey again asked me where I’d gone, when we were lying on the dock, I still hadn’t figured out a better way to tell her, and I ended up saying it exactly as it had gone. From that first night in my place to how Charlie had reacted when she found out we were together, and then finally tonight.
It was safe to say Charlie had been the last person Gray had expected me to start talking about, and I hated how unsure of herself she looked, and confused about everything she’d thought she’d known. Like me, Grey hadn’t had any clue that Charlie had been in love with Ben, and everything my sister had confessed to me tonight seemed to hit Grey twice as hard as it had hit me.
“It makes sense, I guess. Ben always had a soft spot for Charlie . . . he was just as protective of her as you were. Why wouldn’t she fall in love with a guy who treated her the way Ben did?” she mumbled a couple minutes after I’d finished telling her everything. “God, I feel so stupid. Every time I’ve seen her I’ve thought—I don’t know, but I feel like—I just don’t understand,” she rambled. “And what does that say about me if I’m moving on, and she’s not—and she wasn’t even with him?”
“Grey,” I crooned. “Nothing. It says nothing about you. It just says that Charlie hasn’t tried to get past it. No one knew about her feelings for Ben, so she probably didn’t grieve the way she should have. But this . . .” I rolled over so I was looking down at her and cupped her cheek. “Us? It doesn’t say anything about either of us, I promise.”
She nodded, but I knew by her expression that she wasn’t sure whether or not she should believe me, and that terrified me. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to tell her what she meant to me, but only because I needed to reassure myself that we were okay, that she wasn’t pulling away from me again because of what had happened. And I knew I couldn’t do that when it was only days ago that we’d gotten past her shutting me out . . . and now it was happening all over again. The one thing that had stopped her from acknowledging her feelings about me in the first place—her relationship with Ben—was now constantly being thrown in her face.
What she and Ben had before he died was something I knew I’d never be able to have with her. They’d promised each other forever—and now she was moving on with me . . . his best friend. I knew she felt like she was cheating on Ben again; it was all over her face.
Trying to hide my own pain and fear, I rolled back over and stared up at the night sky as we fell into a silence—only this one felt weighted. It was scaring the shit out of me.
By the time I’d gotten her back to her parents’ house, she’d said only a handful of words, and she hugged me good-bye as if it were an afterthought. I stood there for long minutes after she shut the door before I was able to force myself to my car and drive back home. I’d known I was slowly losing her over the last two weeks, but everything about tonight screamed that I wasn’t losing her anymore. I’d lost her.
Chapter 12
Grey
August 13, 2014
I GOT READY to go to bed in a daze, everything Jagger had told me tonight playing through my mind over and over. I was embarrassed that I’d been going on with my friendship with Charlie when she’d been so upset and angry with me. I didn’t know what to feel anymore about everything from “Ben,” and I was back to feeling like I was betraying him.
It wasn’t until I was in my bed that I realized I couldn’t remember even driving back to the house with Jagger, and I didn’t remember saying good night to him. I didn’t know what he was thinking about all of this, and at the moment, I didn’t know where we stood in our relationship.
I lay there for what felt like hours, going over everything that had happened with Jagger, and everything from my time with Ben. I’d told Jagger that I couldn’t lose him, and promised him that he wasn’t losing me, but it felt like that was exactly what was happening. And I was causing it to happen. I was the reason there was this sudden distance between us, and I knew it would only grow if I let it—and I knew I would. I could easily get so lost in my grief to the point where I’d make sure my future with Jagger never happened.
Gripping Ben’s ring in my hand, I blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes and scrambled out of bed. I didn’t bother with a bra, I just slipped into my sandals and threw my hair up in a messy bun as I ran down the stairs and out to my car.
I raced down the roads of our small town, and was thankful none of the sheriffs were around since I’d left my purse and driver’s license at the house in my rush to leave. Pulling into the lot, I stared ahead as I gripped the steering wheel and, after a few calming breaths, finally got out of my car. I walked slowly until I was in front of the shiny stone, and sank down to the ground.
“Hey,” I whispered as I traced the letters and dates. “I miss you so much,” I choked out, and had to swallow down the tightness in my throat a few times before I could speak again. “I miss you, and I still love you. I know whoever is doing this isn’t you. I know that even though there are times when it’s easy to let myself think you’re the one trying to force Jagger and me apart. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? Just like I would want for you to be happy, I know that’s what you want for both of us. And somehow I know that Jagger is the only man you would trust to keep me safe. Maybe it’s because you knew he loved me and tried not to flaunt our relationship in front of him. Maybe it’s because you knew him better than anyone. Whatever the reason, I know when I’m with him that this is right. I love you, Ben, but I love him too.”
