“I had to lose everything before I realized that I didn’t want to be angry at him, I didn’t want to be angry at all. I wanted to love him and remember how special he was. I wanted to cherish the time we had and not taint it by turning his absence into an excuse I could use to be a dick to the people who cared about me. Don’t lose anything, dude. And don’t use what you had with my brother as an excuse not to love someone else. He would hate that.”
I didn’t have any words. All I could do was turn and take this tattooed, pierced replica of my first love into a hug that finally made me feel like I had permission to move on. It was okay to be mad that someone you loved hurt you unintentionally, as long as that’s not all you were. The sentiment and the lessons might have been Rule’s, but the kindness and understanding that I needed all of that felt like shadows of forgiveness and understanding from Remy. He hugged me back and just as I was about to thank him for setting me free, the door to the bar swung open and I heard Dom grumble, “I’m tired. It was a long-ass day and I don’t care if you told Royal you would bring me out for a drink. You tricked me into leaving my apartment, Ari. Next time you tell me you need me to come change your tire I won’t believe you.”
A husky female voice barked back, “Stop being such a sourpuss. One drink won’t hurt you, grouchy pants.”
I looked over Rule’s shoulder where I was still holding onto him and my eyes locked with Dom’s. I saw him do a double-take, his eyes widening as he took in the crowd gathered to celebrate his accomplishment and then narrow into slits as Rule let go of me and took a step to my side. I took a step towards him as he took one back towards the open door, his eyes locked on Remy’s twin. The twin who shared the face of the boy on my wall. The twin who he didn’t know was the surviving one of the set because Remy was dead. My omission, my inability to talk about my first love was about to smack me right across the face.
“Not so out of the picture after all, is he, Lando?” Dom’s voice sounded like acid poured over rusty nails.
“No, Dom …” But my explanation came too late as he stormed back out the door, leaving a room of stunned faces staring after him and his adorable little sister looking like she wanted to take a carving knife to my balls.
“What the hell?” Rule snapped the question out as I rushed towards the door.
“He doesn’t know Remy is dead. I never told him and I still have pictures up in my house of the two of us. I told him things ended badly. He doesn’t know because I was too much of a coward to tell him.” Panic made my words rushed and jumbled together as I threw them back over my shoulder at Rule.
“And we have the same face.” Rule’s voice was understanding, as I was stopped by Dom’s sister, who put her tiny hand on my arm as I hit the door.
“So far I am not a fan of you, Mr. Fancy-Pants. You hurt his feelings by not being there today and now you have him running away from his surprise party. Royal likes you and says you two are good together, but if you keep hurting my brother”—her eyes were narrowed and I noticed they were a much brighter, sharper green than Dom’s—“I will hurt you.”
I pulled out of her grip. “I’m gonna fix it. Just give me a chance.” I was making a shit first impression on the people who mattered most to him, but as long as Dom would hear me out I would worry about fixing that later. If I thought the fear of losing him to something violent and uncontrollable on the streets was bad, I was wrong. The fear of losing him because of my own stupidity, the idea that he could walk away because of my own failings and hang-ups passed fear and went straight into stone-cold terror.
I had to do what I did best. Fix something that seemed unfixable.
Chapter 13
Dominic
When I passed the conditioning test and the sergeant in charge of administering it shook my hand and told me I could get my badge back as early as next week, I thought I would be filled with so much accomplishment and joy that it would burst out of me. Instead, I shook the man’s hand back and wondered why it all felt anticlimactic. I thought maybe it had to do with the fact there was no lanky ginger there to congratulate me or to appreciate how far we had come together. Maybe it had to do with the fact Royal had been there, with her new partner. Making it clear that I was going back to work but things were different … I was different. Maybe it had to do with the fact I ran the course with twenty other recruits, huffing and puffing alongside the new generation, a generation that didn’t know how bad it could be out there on the streets, a generation that still had the same shiny idealism and drive that I started out with but had let slip and slide somewhere along the way.
Whatever it was, I just wanted to be alone for a minute and get my head out of the dark and cloudy place it had slipped into. I wanted a beer and some quiet, but I should’ve known my family wouldn’t stand for that. I’d made such a big deal, such a fuss about going back to work that there was no way they were going to let me throw a pity party when a regular party was just as easy to throw together.
I knew Ari had something up her sleeve when she showed up at my apartment after class and told me she needed me to change her tire for her. First of all, I had taught both my sisters how to change a tire on their own before either of them could drive but because she was my little sister and I never told her no, I dutifully put on shoes and followed her out the door. I was a little surprised when she guided me towards the Bar, considering she wasn’t even old enough to drink until I caught sight Asa’s Nova and Lando’s Jag in the parking lot. Of course, Royal would have a hand in any celebration that was planned on my behalf and all she would’ve had to do was whisper to her boyfriend to clear out the bar for her so that she could have the perfect place to gather everybody.
I was grumbling about leaving the apartment when the door swung open and before I could fake being surprised and happy to see everyone, my gaze landed on the man I was in love with in the arms of the man he was obviously still in love with. There was always that divide, that distance that kept me from getting all the way to him and the canyon between us stood there in all his tattooed and pierced glory. He sure looked a hell of a lot different than the clean-cut boy in the pictures, but there was no missing that wavy dark hair or those unusually tinted blue eyes.
I might have been indifferent after the physical, but I was anything but after seeing Lando cuddled up to that tattooed hottie. I wanted to hit something or break something and since the closest thing to me was my little sister I decided I needed to make a hasty retreat. I backed out of the bar like it was on fire and bolted for my truck. Sure, it was the coward’s way out and I had just turned tail and run in front of everyone I had been trying to convince for so long that I was still the same strong, unbreakable guy I always was – proving what a lie it all was. I just needed to get away and get some space to breathe.
I didn’t have any words. All I could do was turn and take this tattooed, pierced replica of my first love into a hug that finally made me feel like I had permission to move on. It was okay to be mad that someone you loved hurt you unintentionally, as long as that’s not all you were. The sentiment and the lessons might have been Rule’s, but the kindness and understanding that I needed all of that felt like shadows of forgiveness and understanding from Remy. He hugged me back and just as I was about to thank him for setting me free, the door to the bar swung open and I heard Dom grumble, “I’m tired. It was a long-ass day and I don’t care if you told Royal you would bring me out for a drink. You tricked me into leaving my apartment, Ari. Next time you tell me you need me to come change your tire I won’t believe you.”
A husky female voice barked back, “Stop being such a sourpuss. One drink won’t hurt you, grouchy pants.”
I looked over Rule’s shoulder where I was still holding onto him and my eyes locked with Dom’s. I saw him do a double-take, his eyes widening as he took in the crowd gathered to celebrate his accomplishment and then narrow into slits as Rule let go of me and took a step to my side. I took a step towards him as he took one back towards the open door, his eyes locked on Remy’s twin. The twin who shared the face of the boy on my wall. The twin who he didn’t know was the surviving one of the set because Remy was dead. My omission, my inability to talk about my first love was about to smack me right across the face.
“Not so out of the picture after all, is he, Lando?” Dom’s voice sounded like acid poured over rusty nails.
“No, Dom …” But my explanation came too late as he stormed back out the door, leaving a room of stunned faces staring after him and his adorable little sister looking like she wanted to take a carving knife to my balls.
“What the hell?” Rule snapped the question out as I rushed towards the door.
“He doesn’t know Remy is dead. I never told him and I still have pictures up in my house of the two of us. I told him things ended badly. He doesn’t know because I was too much of a coward to tell him.” Panic made my words rushed and jumbled together as I threw them back over my shoulder at Rule.
“And we have the same face.” Rule’s voice was understanding, as I was stopped by Dom’s sister, who put her tiny hand on my arm as I hit the door.
“So far I am not a fan of you, Mr. Fancy-Pants. You hurt his feelings by not being there today and now you have him running away from his surprise party. Royal likes you and says you two are good together, but if you keep hurting my brother”—her eyes were narrowed and I noticed they were a much brighter, sharper green than Dom’s—“I will hurt you.”
I pulled out of her grip. “I’m gonna fix it. Just give me a chance.” I was making a shit first impression on the people who mattered most to him, but as long as Dom would hear me out I would worry about fixing that later. If I thought the fear of losing him to something violent and uncontrollable on the streets was bad, I was wrong. The fear of losing him because of my own stupidity, the idea that he could walk away because of my own failings and hang-ups passed fear and went straight into stone-cold terror.
I had to do what I did best. Fix something that seemed unfixable.
Chapter 13
Dominic
When I passed the conditioning test and the sergeant in charge of administering it shook my hand and told me I could get my badge back as early as next week, I thought I would be filled with so much accomplishment and joy that it would burst out of me. Instead, I shook the man’s hand back and wondered why it all felt anticlimactic. I thought maybe it had to do with the fact there was no lanky ginger there to congratulate me or to appreciate how far we had come together. Maybe it had to do with the fact Royal had been there, with her new partner. Making it clear that I was going back to work but things were different … I was different. Maybe it had to do with the fact I ran the course with twenty other recruits, huffing and puffing alongside the new generation, a generation that didn’t know how bad it could be out there on the streets, a generation that still had the same shiny idealism and drive that I started out with but had let slip and slide somewhere along the way.
Whatever it was, I just wanted to be alone for a minute and get my head out of the dark and cloudy place it had slipped into. I wanted a beer and some quiet, but I should’ve known my family wouldn’t stand for that. I’d made such a big deal, such a fuss about going back to work that there was no way they were going to let me throw a pity party when a regular party was just as easy to throw together.
I knew Ari had something up her sleeve when she showed up at my apartment after class and told me she needed me to change her tire for her. First of all, I had taught both my sisters how to change a tire on their own before either of them could drive but because she was my little sister and I never told her no, I dutifully put on shoes and followed her out the door. I was a little surprised when she guided me towards the Bar, considering she wasn’t even old enough to drink until I caught sight Asa’s Nova and Lando’s Jag in the parking lot. Of course, Royal would have a hand in any celebration that was planned on my behalf and all she would’ve had to do was whisper to her boyfriend to clear out the bar for her so that she could have the perfect place to gather everybody.
I was grumbling about leaving the apartment when the door swung open and before I could fake being surprised and happy to see everyone, my gaze landed on the man I was in love with in the arms of the man he was obviously still in love with. There was always that divide, that distance that kept me from getting all the way to him and the canyon between us stood there in all his tattooed and pierced glory. He sure looked a hell of a lot different than the clean-cut boy in the pictures, but there was no missing that wavy dark hair or those unusually tinted blue eyes.
I might have been indifferent after the physical, but I was anything but after seeing Lando cuddled up to that tattooed hottie. I wanted to hit something or break something and since the closest thing to me was my little sister I decided I needed to make a hasty retreat. I backed out of the bar like it was on fire and bolted for my truck. Sure, it was the coward’s way out and I had just turned tail and run in front of everyone I had been trying to convince for so long that I was still the same strong, unbreakable guy I always was – proving what a lie it all was. I just needed to get away and get some space to breathe.
