Light in the Shadows
Page 32
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“Nice to hear from you, Mom,” I replied sarcastically. She completely ignored my statement.
“You are not going to Virginia. How could you even think of doing something so stupid? After everything you put your father and I through with your little suicide attempt! And now you’re trying to ruin everything all over again! Do you have no self-respect?” She sounded disgusted. And I’m sure she was. I wish I didn’t care. And some part of me had learned to stop being so hung up in my desire for her approval.
But that didn’t completely drown out that small part of me that did still care. And that part of me needed to be cut the hell out. Forcibly if necessary.
“Ruby needs me. I’m sure you’ve heard about Lisa. Aren’t you planning on attending the funeral?” I don’t know why I bothered to ask such a ridiculous question. Neither of my parents had ever approved of Lisa or Ruby’s “lifestyle.” But I guess I had some bizarre hope that family ties would mean more than misplaced morals.
“I don’t think that would be appropriate. Not with your father running for Congress this year. What would it look like if the conservative candidate attended the funeral of…a homosexual.” She said the word as though it were something dirty. God, what a bitch.
“It would look like the two of you had a heart. Even if it was a lie,” I said angrily, hating that I allowed her to get under my skin like that.
“Enough with the dramatics, Clayton. You will not be going anywhere. You are in treatment. You cannot afford to leave right now. You could relapse. Because I can assure you if there is another embarrassing incident, your father and I will not be there to help you this time.”
I barked out a harsh laugh. “Help me? Are you f**king high? When have you EVER helped me?” I heard my mother’s sharp intake of breath.
“Don’t you dare speak to me that way.” Her voice was dangerously low and I knew I had over stepped a line. The one that demanded total and complete compliance. Too bad for her that I had kicked the obedient fool out on his ass.
“You will not be leaving the Grayson Center, Clay. Your father and I admitted you and if you refuse to stay in treatment, we will be forced to take drastic measures to make sure you aren’t posing a risk to yourself.” I could almost see the derisive curl of her lip as her threat spewed from her mouth.
“You do that, Mother. Just try and lock me up again and you will find a very disobedient son. And I don’t think that’s something you or Dad can afford right now. Particularly with it being an election year and all.” My mother went quiet. I could hear her silently fuming. The thing she didn’t realize was I had learned a thing or two from my manipulative parents. And that was knowing how to get what I wanted. Because I had hit her Achilles’ heel. Her fear of public disclosure. And I meant every word of what I had said. If she and my father fought me on this, I would be a thorn in their f**king side.
Finally, my mother said, “If that’s how you want it, fine. But don’t expect any further assistance from your father or me. That includes financially. You want to defy us and self-destruct, do it on your own.” I snorted, not remotely bothered by her statement.
“I’ve been on my own most of my life,” I muttered and then hung up.
Wow, that felt…good. I left the office to find Lydia working on her laptop. She looked up and gave me a reassuring smile. “All finished up?” she asked.
I nodded. Yeah, I was finished. And it was about f**king time.
After that, I got my stuff together, including my meds, said my goodbyes and headed to the airport with Jonathan. I boarded the plane and we took off ten minutes early. That had to be a positive sign, right?
I tried not to fixate on what would be waiting for me when I landed. Instead I watched a couple of TV shows, ate some pretzels and stared out the window. The flight was short, only two and a half hours. I checked the time on my cellphone after we landed. It was only a little after nine-thirty.
I hung back, letting everyone else get off of the plane before I did. I didn’t want to keep Ruby waiting, but being here, my feet on Virginian soil, made all of this way too real. It wasn’t some horrible dream I could wake up from.
I pushed my way through the crowded airport and headed toward the baggage claim. I started to look around for Ruby, knowing this is where we were supposed to meet up. I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a wreck and already my body craved the worst kind of release.
Three hours away from the center and I was already losing it. I cut across the sea of people and practically ran into the restroom. Thank god it was mercifully empty. I ran water in the sink and splashed my face. Running my hands through my hair and along the back of my neck in an effort to calm down.
I needed to control my breathing. It was then that I realized I hadn’t taken my medication yet. I dug through my laptop bag and pulled out the small brown bottle. Popping the top I shook two pills into my palm. I swallowed them quickly, without water.
I thought about taking some of my anxiety medication but I had been hesitant to do so. So instead, I chose the pep talk route and waited for the Tegretol to kick in, hoping that had the desired effect.
I fished my cellphone out of my pocket and realized I had been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes. Ruby was probably starting to worry. I picked up my bag and headed back toward the baggage carousel.
I saw Ruby before she saw me. She was sitting on a bench, watching people as they walked by, obviously looking for me. She looked like shit. I know that’s a messed up thing to say, but God it was true. She looked like she had lost ten pounds, her clothes that she wore big anyway, were practically swimming on her.
“You are not going to Virginia. How could you even think of doing something so stupid? After everything you put your father and I through with your little suicide attempt! And now you’re trying to ruin everything all over again! Do you have no self-respect?” She sounded disgusted. And I’m sure she was. I wish I didn’t care. And some part of me had learned to stop being so hung up in my desire for her approval.
But that didn’t completely drown out that small part of me that did still care. And that part of me needed to be cut the hell out. Forcibly if necessary.
“Ruby needs me. I’m sure you’ve heard about Lisa. Aren’t you planning on attending the funeral?” I don’t know why I bothered to ask such a ridiculous question. Neither of my parents had ever approved of Lisa or Ruby’s “lifestyle.” But I guess I had some bizarre hope that family ties would mean more than misplaced morals.
“I don’t think that would be appropriate. Not with your father running for Congress this year. What would it look like if the conservative candidate attended the funeral of…a homosexual.” She said the word as though it were something dirty. God, what a bitch.
“It would look like the two of you had a heart. Even if it was a lie,” I said angrily, hating that I allowed her to get under my skin like that.
“Enough with the dramatics, Clayton. You will not be going anywhere. You are in treatment. You cannot afford to leave right now. You could relapse. Because I can assure you if there is another embarrassing incident, your father and I will not be there to help you this time.”
I barked out a harsh laugh. “Help me? Are you f**king high? When have you EVER helped me?” I heard my mother’s sharp intake of breath.
“Don’t you dare speak to me that way.” Her voice was dangerously low and I knew I had over stepped a line. The one that demanded total and complete compliance. Too bad for her that I had kicked the obedient fool out on his ass.
“You will not be leaving the Grayson Center, Clay. Your father and I admitted you and if you refuse to stay in treatment, we will be forced to take drastic measures to make sure you aren’t posing a risk to yourself.” I could almost see the derisive curl of her lip as her threat spewed from her mouth.
“You do that, Mother. Just try and lock me up again and you will find a very disobedient son. And I don’t think that’s something you or Dad can afford right now. Particularly with it being an election year and all.” My mother went quiet. I could hear her silently fuming. The thing she didn’t realize was I had learned a thing or two from my manipulative parents. And that was knowing how to get what I wanted. Because I had hit her Achilles’ heel. Her fear of public disclosure. And I meant every word of what I had said. If she and my father fought me on this, I would be a thorn in their f**king side.
Finally, my mother said, “If that’s how you want it, fine. But don’t expect any further assistance from your father or me. That includes financially. You want to defy us and self-destruct, do it on your own.” I snorted, not remotely bothered by her statement.
“I’ve been on my own most of my life,” I muttered and then hung up.
Wow, that felt…good. I left the office to find Lydia working on her laptop. She looked up and gave me a reassuring smile. “All finished up?” she asked.
I nodded. Yeah, I was finished. And it was about f**king time.
After that, I got my stuff together, including my meds, said my goodbyes and headed to the airport with Jonathan. I boarded the plane and we took off ten minutes early. That had to be a positive sign, right?
I tried not to fixate on what would be waiting for me when I landed. Instead I watched a couple of TV shows, ate some pretzels and stared out the window. The flight was short, only two and a half hours. I checked the time on my cellphone after we landed. It was only a little after nine-thirty.
I hung back, letting everyone else get off of the plane before I did. I didn’t want to keep Ruby waiting, but being here, my feet on Virginian soil, made all of this way too real. It wasn’t some horrible dream I could wake up from.
I pushed my way through the crowded airport and headed toward the baggage claim. I started to look around for Ruby, knowing this is where we were supposed to meet up. I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a wreck and already my body craved the worst kind of release.
Three hours away from the center and I was already losing it. I cut across the sea of people and practically ran into the restroom. Thank god it was mercifully empty. I ran water in the sink and splashed my face. Running my hands through my hair and along the back of my neck in an effort to calm down.
I needed to control my breathing. It was then that I realized I hadn’t taken my medication yet. I dug through my laptop bag and pulled out the small brown bottle. Popping the top I shook two pills into my palm. I swallowed them quickly, without water.
I thought about taking some of my anxiety medication but I had been hesitant to do so. So instead, I chose the pep talk route and waited for the Tegretol to kick in, hoping that had the desired effect.
I fished my cellphone out of my pocket and realized I had been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes. Ruby was probably starting to worry. I picked up my bag and headed back toward the baggage carousel.
I saw Ruby before she saw me. She was sitting on a bench, watching people as they walked by, obviously looking for me. She looked like shit. I know that’s a messed up thing to say, but God it was true. She looked like she had lost ten pounds, her clothes that she wore big anyway, were practically swimming on her.
