Light in the Shadows
Page 43

Which sort of pissed me off. When had we become strangers? When had we stopped being able to read each other? Because now, staring at him, I wasn’t sure what to expect. And the way he was looking at me set me on edge.
I didn’t get to my feet. Maybe I should get out, but I was feeling oppositionally defiant and I kept my butt right where it was. “Looking for you,” I told him honestly. Clay frowned, still not moving into the room.
He seemed hesitant to step into the space that had once been his. “Are you not staying in here?” I asked, swiping my finger along the bedside table, and then wiping the dust away.
“No, I’ve been sleeping on the couch,” Clay admitted, watching me as I ran my hand down the blue comforter, touching his pillows, smoothing the sheets.
“Why?” I asked him, turning to look at him. Clay shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest as though shielding himself. From me? That was crazy. If anyone should be protecting themselves, it should be me.
“I didn’t think I could sleep in here.” He looked around the room, clearly taking it all in for the first time since he had left. “Too many memories,” he whispered, more to himself than to me.
“I understand about wanting to hide from memories,” I said bitterly. I turned my back to him and picked up the sketch book still on the table. I leafed through the pages leisurely, taking my time. Trying not to get choked up by the pictures inside. So many of them I remembered him drawing. Back when our lives were infinitely more complicated but in some twisted way, much happier.
I hadn’t realized Clay had come into the room until I felt the bed dip. I felt the heat of his body beside me. We weren’t touching; the air between us much wider than it ever would have been before. But it was still the closest we had been in three months. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from sobbing at the relief of seeing him again. Of being near him.
The silence spread out in front of us, neither of us doing anything to break it. As though words would ruin this perfect piece of time we were being blessed with. In our reality, it could be over in an instant. And I wanted to prolong the inevitable, forever.
But like everything, the silence had to end. Clay reached out and took the sketch pad from my hands and closed it, leaning over me to put it back on the bedside table. I could smell the musky scent of his cologne and willed myself to not lean into him.
“I should get downstairs,” Clay said quietly, though he didn’t get to his feet. I laced my hands in my lap and kept my head down.
“I’m sorry, Clay. I know how much you loved Lisa.” I wanted to hold him while I said it, but that’s not where we were. Not where we’d ever be again. Hadn’t I told him just last week that love had stopped being enough? So why did I want to throw my resolve straight out the window?
“Thanks, Maggie. It’s been…rough,” he admitted, plucking at the skin around his fingernail. I looked at his hands, and noticed that all of the nails had been bitten to the quick. I wondered whether there would be any fresh cuts on his arms. Any healing scabs. Or had he defeated that particular demon?
But there was no way I could ask him. “How’s Ruby holding up?” I asked, chancing a look at him up through my hair. I saw his body rise and fall with his deep sigh. He chewed at his bottom lip until it started to bleed. The picking around his fingers became almost frantic.
“Not good. She’s barely keeping it together. I’m scared to leave her. I’m not sure what will happen when I go back.” I think I stopped breathing then.
“So you are going back then?” I asked. I had suspected this was only a temporary visit, but hearing it confirmed definitely hurt. Which was ridiculous. We weren’t together anymore. But my feelings hadn’t changed. And even though I didn’t trust him with my heart, it was his nonetheless.
Clay looked at me, smoothing his raw lip with his tongue. “I had planned on it. I still have a few weeks left at the center where I’ve been staying. But I just feel like I’d be abandoning Ruby. I’m not sure she’ll be able to handle living in this house alone.” He was scared, I could see that. And while part of me wanted to drag more information out of him about where he’d been for the last few months, a bigger part of me just wanted to let it go. There was no point it dredging it up right now. It would accomplish absolutely nothing.
“I wish I could tell you what to do, but Clay that’s a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can decide where you need to be,” I said, sounding way wiser than I actually was.
Clay’s lip quirked into a half smile. “Wow, when did you get so deep?” he joked. I laughed.
“You have no idea how deep I’ve become,” I teased back, though wished I had thought better of my words when I saw Clay’s face fall.
“No, I guess I don’t know much about you anymore.” He sounded so sad and I hated it. I grabbed his hand and held it between mine. My thumb rubbed his skin in purposeful circles.
“There is no one that knows me better,” I said firmly, needing him to believe that. As though he couldn’t help himself, Clay dropped his head to my shoulder and pressed his nose into my hair.
My heart began to beat wildly in my chest but there was nothing sexual in this. It was just two people who loved each other, trying to make some sense in a world where there was none.
I felt the wetness of his tears on my neck as he moved his face further into my hair. I lifted my arm and wrapped it around his back. His body shook with silent sobs and I just held him. Like I had done a thousand times before.