Light in the Shadows
Page 74
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“You don’t think Clay is responsible for his behavior? That he isn’t ultimately culpable for what happened to him?” Shaemus asked her curiously.
When I opened my eyes it was to find Maggie glaring at my therapist. Her chest heaved with her erratic breathing. “How can you blame him? He couldn’t control himself! He has been suffering from bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders most of his life! What kind of person would that make me if I blamed him for something he that wasn’t his fault?” Maggie’s voice was getting loud but Shaemus’ neutral expression never faltered. I recognized the look. He was getting ready to shrink her.
“I’d think you were normal. Human. How can you not blame him for putting you through that? What I’m hearing right now is a young girl who was put in a horrible situation. That’s a lot for someone so young to deal with. No one would blame you for being angry with Clay.”
Fuck me; this was like ripping your fingernails off. I felt like interjecting something. Perhaps defend myself. But I realized that this session was just as much about Maggie as it was about me. That it was about the fundamental dysfunction of the relationship we had had. Getting Maggie to identify those things were important. Even if it hurt like hell to hear.
Maggie dropped my hand and covered her face. I shot Shaemus a look but he just held up his hand, watching Maggie closely. Her shoulders shook and I felt horrible for bringing her here. This was beyond messed up. How could I put her through this shit all over again? Making her relive one of the most gut wrenchingly painful periods of both of our lives.
“Yes, I’m mad at him. I’m furious at him for hurting himself. For leaving me behind and cutting off all contact. But more than that, I love him. And I think…no I know that outweighs everything else.” Maggie wiped the tears from her face and I could see the determined set of her jaw.
Shaemus smiled. “And that, we can work with. But don’t make excuses for him or for yourself. Denial hurts more than it helps,” he warned.
We spent the next hour talking about how we communicate with each other. We talked about my jealousy issues and Maggie’s insecurities. I was shocked to hear how little she really thought about herself. And I recognized that I hadn’t done anything to make that better for her. In fact, I had made it ten times worse.
We discussed what had occurred in the cafeteria yesterday. Shaemus proved to be an excellent sounding board to deal with the way were treating each other. I felt mostly to blame for the problems between us, but Shaemus pointed out the ways both of us could work on communicating better.
By the time our session was winding down, I felt like I had run a marathon. I was exhausted. Looking at Maggie, I knew she was as drained as well. Shaemus handed Maggie a notebook.
“I recommend you to start journaling. It’s great in helping to identify feelings and motivations you perhaps didn’t know you had.” I tried not to roll my eyes. Therapists and their f**king journals.
Shaemus followed us out of his office. “You both did well today. That was a lot to share. I’d really like for you both to meet with me again. Clay comes twice a week. Maggie, perhaps you could come every other week. What are your thoughts?” Shaemus suggested.
Maggie was holding my hand again and she peered up at me and my heart stopped. There was real happiness in her eyes.
“I think I’d like that,” she said. Shaemus smiled at the both of us.
“Wonderful. Well then you two, have a good evening. Clay, I will see you next Tuesday and Maggie I’ll see you in two weeks. It was wonderful to meet such an amazing young woman.” He shook her hand again and Maggie flushed at the compliment.
Walking outside, it felt like we had spent days inside the office. We had entered one way and left as something completely different.
Once we were both buckled in our seats and I was pulling out into traffic, Maggie popped a CD into the player. “Wow. That was intense. Is that how it always is?” she asked.
I laughed, relieved that she didn’t hate me for dragging her there.
“No, it’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s actually pretty chill. But usually the first few times can be rough,” I told her.
Maggie tapped her fingers on the dashboard in time to the music. She stopped abruptly and pressed her hands down on the plastic.
“I’m glad I went. I feel like this could be good for us,” she said seriously.
I reached over and placed my hand on her thigh, just needing to touch her. I always needed to touch her.
“Me too, Mags,” I agreed softly and then fell silent. Neither of us spoke again, letting our newfound contentment do all the talking for us.
Chapter Twenty
-Maggie-
Things were pretty freaking fantastic. Better than I could have ever dared to hope for. After that horrible day in the cafeteria and then accompanying Clay to therapy, I felt like we had entered a new chapter. I was done with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now that I was hearing, straight from Clay’s mouth, how he struggled, about how hard things still were for him, I didn’t obsess so much about being blindsided. I felt like for once all of our cards were on the table.
I still worried about him. Hearing him tell Shaemus about how he still thought of cutting himself. That I unwittingly triggered these responses because of his deep seeded feelings of shame and guilt were damn near impossible to listen to.
I would stare at Rachel and Daniel and wish like hell Clay and I could get to that point where we were passed the bullshit and just living our lives, with each other. Like any other normal couple.
When I opened my eyes it was to find Maggie glaring at my therapist. Her chest heaved with her erratic breathing. “How can you blame him? He couldn’t control himself! He has been suffering from bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders most of his life! What kind of person would that make me if I blamed him for something he that wasn’t his fault?” Maggie’s voice was getting loud but Shaemus’ neutral expression never faltered. I recognized the look. He was getting ready to shrink her.
“I’d think you were normal. Human. How can you not blame him for putting you through that? What I’m hearing right now is a young girl who was put in a horrible situation. That’s a lot for someone so young to deal with. No one would blame you for being angry with Clay.”
Fuck me; this was like ripping your fingernails off. I felt like interjecting something. Perhaps defend myself. But I realized that this session was just as much about Maggie as it was about me. That it was about the fundamental dysfunction of the relationship we had had. Getting Maggie to identify those things were important. Even if it hurt like hell to hear.
Maggie dropped my hand and covered her face. I shot Shaemus a look but he just held up his hand, watching Maggie closely. Her shoulders shook and I felt horrible for bringing her here. This was beyond messed up. How could I put her through this shit all over again? Making her relive one of the most gut wrenchingly painful periods of both of our lives.
“Yes, I’m mad at him. I’m furious at him for hurting himself. For leaving me behind and cutting off all contact. But more than that, I love him. And I think…no I know that outweighs everything else.” Maggie wiped the tears from her face and I could see the determined set of her jaw.
Shaemus smiled. “And that, we can work with. But don’t make excuses for him or for yourself. Denial hurts more than it helps,” he warned.
We spent the next hour talking about how we communicate with each other. We talked about my jealousy issues and Maggie’s insecurities. I was shocked to hear how little she really thought about herself. And I recognized that I hadn’t done anything to make that better for her. In fact, I had made it ten times worse.
We discussed what had occurred in the cafeteria yesterday. Shaemus proved to be an excellent sounding board to deal with the way were treating each other. I felt mostly to blame for the problems between us, but Shaemus pointed out the ways both of us could work on communicating better.
By the time our session was winding down, I felt like I had run a marathon. I was exhausted. Looking at Maggie, I knew she was as drained as well. Shaemus handed Maggie a notebook.
“I recommend you to start journaling. It’s great in helping to identify feelings and motivations you perhaps didn’t know you had.” I tried not to roll my eyes. Therapists and their f**king journals.
Shaemus followed us out of his office. “You both did well today. That was a lot to share. I’d really like for you both to meet with me again. Clay comes twice a week. Maggie, perhaps you could come every other week. What are your thoughts?” Shaemus suggested.
Maggie was holding my hand again and she peered up at me and my heart stopped. There was real happiness in her eyes.
“I think I’d like that,” she said. Shaemus smiled at the both of us.
“Wonderful. Well then you two, have a good evening. Clay, I will see you next Tuesday and Maggie I’ll see you in two weeks. It was wonderful to meet such an amazing young woman.” He shook her hand again and Maggie flushed at the compliment.
Walking outside, it felt like we had spent days inside the office. We had entered one way and left as something completely different.
Once we were both buckled in our seats and I was pulling out into traffic, Maggie popped a CD into the player. “Wow. That was intense. Is that how it always is?” she asked.
I laughed, relieved that she didn’t hate me for dragging her there.
“No, it’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s actually pretty chill. But usually the first few times can be rough,” I told her.
Maggie tapped her fingers on the dashboard in time to the music. She stopped abruptly and pressed her hands down on the plastic.
“I’m glad I went. I feel like this could be good for us,” she said seriously.
I reached over and placed my hand on her thigh, just needing to touch her. I always needed to touch her.
“Me too, Mags,” I agreed softly and then fell silent. Neither of us spoke again, letting our newfound contentment do all the talking for us.
Chapter Twenty
-Maggie-
Things were pretty freaking fantastic. Better than I could have ever dared to hope for. After that horrible day in the cafeteria and then accompanying Clay to therapy, I felt like we had entered a new chapter. I was done with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now that I was hearing, straight from Clay’s mouth, how he struggled, about how hard things still were for him, I didn’t obsess so much about being blindsided. I felt like for once all of our cards were on the table.
I still worried about him. Hearing him tell Shaemus about how he still thought of cutting himself. That I unwittingly triggered these responses because of his deep seeded feelings of shame and guilt were damn near impossible to listen to.
I would stare at Rachel and Daniel and wish like hell Clay and I could get to that point where we were passed the bullshit and just living our lives, with each other. Like any other normal couple.
