Light in the Shadows
Page 95

“I want to do all of those things with you. I really do. There is nothing I want more than to explore this world with you. But it can’t happen. At least not for a while. I can’t make you any specific promises about my future because right now things have to be put on hold. For me at least. For us,” I said slowly, watching as comprehension dawned on her face.
She turned to look at me apprehensively. “What are you trying to say?” she asked, her voice trembling and I hated to do this to her. Not after everything she had already been through because of me. But I honestly felt this was for the best.
“I’m readmitting myself into the Grayson Center for a six month program. Then after that, I will most likely go into a group home for a while longer. I’ve already talked with Dr. Todd and I’m set to be checked in next Wednesday,” I said, seeing the way her face paled.
“You’re going back to Grayson’s? To Florida? But why? I thought things were going fine. That you were doing better,” Maggie seemed so lost and I wish I had the magic answer for her. So instead I just tried to explain.
“I’ve tried, Mags. I really have. And while some things are changing, I still have so far to go. The truth is every day is a struggle. Some days I can barely get out of bed.”
“But your medication…” Maggie started and I shook my head.
“I told you before it wasn’t a cure all. It helps, but it doesn’t fix everything. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about hurting myself. Of ending the pain. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that tells me to do it. That no one loves me, that I’m nothing but a burden,” I could hear the strain in my voice and I couldn’t even look at Maggie.
“But that’s not true, Clay! You have so many people that love you! You have never been a burden! That’s ridiculous!” she implored, as she reached for me. Her hands clutched at my shirt and I almost lost my resolve. Almost.
“But don’t you see, the fact that I think about it at all means I’m not ready. I’m not ready to plan any sort of future. I need to focus on the present and getting my shit sorted. Otherwise I’m not good to myself or to you. I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you!” My voice started to rise and I had to work on keeping it at a normal volume. Particularly when all I wanted to do was scream.
“What about the ring? All those promises you made just a few hours ago? Was that just a way to butter me up, to soften the blow? I can’t believe you!” Maggie’s tears were coming in earnest now.
“No, Maggie! I meant every word I said! But those promises are for what I hope is our future! I won’t leave this time and shut you out. I can’t do that again. To either of us. I want you to take this journey with me, wherever it goes. I hope that you’ll wait for me to get myself together. I know it’s incredibly selfish of me to even ask you to. But knowing you’re waiting for me on the other end of all this will make the process that much easier to deal with,” I said sincerely. Maggie started hiccupping and heaving. Raw, ugly tears ripped from her chest and I felt helpless.
“I understand if that’s asking too much. But I need you to understand that I’m not leaving you this time! I’m going away for a little while to work on my head. But that I hope you will be there every step of the way. I’ll support you and you will support me. We’ll learn together what a healthy and functional relationship looks like. Because as I am right now, I know I can’t give that to you. And I want to give that to you. Because I want my life to begin and end with us together.”
My heart was beating so hard in my chest, the blood rushing through my ears so that I could barely hear Maggie’s whispered response.
I leaned in closer, gripping her hands tightly in my own. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll always wait for you,” she swore. Her tears had stopped and she seemed to have settled down. I cautiously reached out and ran my fingers through her hair, stopping to rest my hand on the back of her neck. I rested my forehead against hers.
“Are you sure?” I asked her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured into it. This had to be her choice. If she chose to walk away, I’d let her; even though I knew I’d never move on from her. I would do it for her.
“I’m sure, Clay. I want to be with you. And even if it takes fifty years, I’ll be there at the end of it all,” she said firmly and I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face.
“I love you, Maggie May Young. Always and forever.” And then my mouth touched hers and I felt my future begin.
***
-Maggie-
So I graduated high school. And Clay left for Florida. I went to Beach Week with my best friends. Ruby sold her house and moved to Key West. Her shop was bought by a couple who turned it into a holistic foods store. I refused to go inside.
I spent the summer working and saving money. I spent time with my parents. I went to the movies with Rachel. I helped Daniel clean out his garage.
And I spoke with Clay three times a week. He had kept his promise to not shut me out. He shared every bit of his treatment with me. He told me about his group therapy and his sessions with his counselors. I told him about my college preparations and getting my school schedule.
We stayed a part of each other’s lives in every way that we could, even with a thousand miles separating us.
And I firmly believed that this was a new chapter for us. Hell, it was brand new freaking book. The Maggie and Clay story was far from over. And we would always be looking for the light…together.