Rob nodded, and I saw water in his eyes, not falling down, like it were his will alone that kept it in.
“There, Em,” Tom said, but it were more a gurgle now, quieter too. “You won’t be alone.”
She wailed and clutched him, but I felt it, the moment when his eyes lost their light and his body went still and slack. I felt tears leaking into the seam of my mouth, and I kept petting his head, like if I never took my hands off him he wouldn’t have died.
But then the monks came, and villagers came with a cart, and they took him away. And soon everyone else went away, and it were just me and Rob in the forest still, with blood on our hands. He were in front of me, and then he were pulling me up. “Come on, love,” he said to me soft.
I clung to him, and tears started coming out faster. Not moving more, I sagged against him, and he clutched me tight, letting me cry on him like I weren’t much used to doing. I weren’t used to tears being a thing I could share with anyone, but there in the woods with death still lurking round us, I wanted to give them to Rob.
“We can’t win, Rob,” I whispered after a bit. “We can’t never win. All of these people—they look to us for hope and help and all we do is get them killed.”
“Yes,” he grunted. “And how many more would die if we weren’t here?”
I shuddered, and he gripped me tighter.
“John died,” he breathed in my ear. “But it wasn’t our fault. He was innocent, and the prince killed him. His death isn’t our fault. It’s our banner. Our cause. Our reason to fight, always.” His head nuzzled against me. “And yes,” he whispered. “He’s also the reason I want to give up every damn day. I miss him, Scar. I miss my brother.”
Rob shattered me. I broke into a million tiny pieces, crying in his arms like I never cried my whole life. I cried for John, who hadn’t gotten near enough of my tears. And I looked around the forest and wondered if it would always be like this, tired and broken beyond all putting back together. Every day we lived, and every day it felt like we had a little less to live for.
We went back to the castle, a place it were dangerous and easy to start calling home, and Rob drew me aside, holding my hand.
“Stay with me tonight,” he asked. “I don’t want . . . after today, I just want you in my arms. Any way you’ll have me.”
I thought about how I loved sleeping against him, wrapped into his heartbeat like I could be tucked into his heart, and I shut my eyes against the temptation. In the dark behind my eyelids, I thought again of when I got to the tree and didn’t see him, and had thought for a moment that he were dead. Dead and gone from me forever.
Opening my eyes, I shook my head. “I know,” I said. “But David will have a fit, and soon enough, we will be married.”
“When?” he whispered. “I know we should finish raising the tax, but Scarlet, if we’re going to do it—”
“Eleanor will be here in a few weeks’ time,” I told him. “Maybe sooner. And we should wait for her blessing.”
He sighed. “You’re so adamant about not acting like a noblewoman, it’s a little strange you care so much about her blessing.”
I wanted to tell him. But I wanted to surprise him more than I wanted to tell him. Especially after a day that were so awful, I wanted there to be something wonderful left. More than anything, I wanted to give him this gift.
“Soon, love,” I told him. “Good night.”
He watched me go, and I went outside and into the forest.
The next days were awful. We were all slow moving, slow from all the work our desperate, scarred hearts had pulled from our bodies the day the tree fell. I ached everywhere, and more than that, there were a sadness that had drifted down onto us like a mist. Cutting peat we were all quiet, digging our hands into the cold, hard earth, and we stumbled home at night without much to say about it. Missy, for her part, had told more and more people about the secret wedding, and I couldn’t even fault her. It were clear on the faces of those that knew, shoring them up like holy water.
By the third afternoon, the sun had scared away the chill of the morning, and the woods were warm and bright. One of the women starting singing something, a song I’d heard before but didn’t know the words for. The rest of the women began to take it up, and the children too, leaving their tasks to dance with one another in the sudden compulsion that little ones have. The women kept singing as one of the little boys took a loose clod of dirt and threw it at a girl and she shrieked, and the dancing turned to running and chasing.
I heard a whistling and a low chorus to the song, and some of the women laughed as the men bundled up the road on the cart to load up the peat, responding to their song. Rob came to me and I stood, his body fitting against mine so easy, my shoulder tucked under his, his hip against the curve of my waist. I looked up at him, and he ducked his head to give me a soft, gentle, easy kiss.
It were a husband’s kiss, I rather thought. It weren’t the first kiss, a thing of hunger and new tastes. It weren’t all our sad kisses of leaving and coming back, full of desperation and scared. It were just a kiss. A kiss that felt like he’d done it before, a kiss that knew he could do it again.
Then again, it also sent lightning crackling down my back, and I remembered there were ways we weren’t husband and wife just yet. I felt a blush running up my face and he stroked my cheek, kissing me again.
“I don’t know, Sheriff,” Bess said. I broke away from Rob, surprised. She hadn’t been here a minute ago. She had the baby with her, and Much weren’t far off, but she had a wicked smile. “Keep kissing her like that and I think we’ll all have to go to your wedding fair soon,” she said.
“There, Em,” Tom said, but it were more a gurgle now, quieter too. “You won’t be alone.”
She wailed and clutched him, but I felt it, the moment when his eyes lost their light and his body went still and slack. I felt tears leaking into the seam of my mouth, and I kept petting his head, like if I never took my hands off him he wouldn’t have died.
But then the monks came, and villagers came with a cart, and they took him away. And soon everyone else went away, and it were just me and Rob in the forest still, with blood on our hands. He were in front of me, and then he were pulling me up. “Come on, love,” he said to me soft.
I clung to him, and tears started coming out faster. Not moving more, I sagged against him, and he clutched me tight, letting me cry on him like I weren’t much used to doing. I weren’t used to tears being a thing I could share with anyone, but there in the woods with death still lurking round us, I wanted to give them to Rob.
“We can’t win, Rob,” I whispered after a bit. “We can’t never win. All of these people—they look to us for hope and help and all we do is get them killed.”
“Yes,” he grunted. “And how many more would die if we weren’t here?”
I shuddered, and he gripped me tighter.
“John died,” he breathed in my ear. “But it wasn’t our fault. He was innocent, and the prince killed him. His death isn’t our fault. It’s our banner. Our cause. Our reason to fight, always.” His head nuzzled against me. “And yes,” he whispered. “He’s also the reason I want to give up every damn day. I miss him, Scar. I miss my brother.”
Rob shattered me. I broke into a million tiny pieces, crying in his arms like I never cried my whole life. I cried for John, who hadn’t gotten near enough of my tears. And I looked around the forest and wondered if it would always be like this, tired and broken beyond all putting back together. Every day we lived, and every day it felt like we had a little less to live for.
We went back to the castle, a place it were dangerous and easy to start calling home, and Rob drew me aside, holding my hand.
“Stay with me tonight,” he asked. “I don’t want . . . after today, I just want you in my arms. Any way you’ll have me.”
I thought about how I loved sleeping against him, wrapped into his heartbeat like I could be tucked into his heart, and I shut my eyes against the temptation. In the dark behind my eyelids, I thought again of when I got to the tree and didn’t see him, and had thought for a moment that he were dead. Dead and gone from me forever.
Opening my eyes, I shook my head. “I know,” I said. “But David will have a fit, and soon enough, we will be married.”
“When?” he whispered. “I know we should finish raising the tax, but Scarlet, if we’re going to do it—”
“Eleanor will be here in a few weeks’ time,” I told him. “Maybe sooner. And we should wait for her blessing.”
He sighed. “You’re so adamant about not acting like a noblewoman, it’s a little strange you care so much about her blessing.”
I wanted to tell him. But I wanted to surprise him more than I wanted to tell him. Especially after a day that were so awful, I wanted there to be something wonderful left. More than anything, I wanted to give him this gift.
“Soon, love,” I told him. “Good night.”
He watched me go, and I went outside and into the forest.
The next days were awful. We were all slow moving, slow from all the work our desperate, scarred hearts had pulled from our bodies the day the tree fell. I ached everywhere, and more than that, there were a sadness that had drifted down onto us like a mist. Cutting peat we were all quiet, digging our hands into the cold, hard earth, and we stumbled home at night without much to say about it. Missy, for her part, had told more and more people about the secret wedding, and I couldn’t even fault her. It were clear on the faces of those that knew, shoring them up like holy water.
By the third afternoon, the sun had scared away the chill of the morning, and the woods were warm and bright. One of the women starting singing something, a song I’d heard before but didn’t know the words for. The rest of the women began to take it up, and the children too, leaving their tasks to dance with one another in the sudden compulsion that little ones have. The women kept singing as one of the little boys took a loose clod of dirt and threw it at a girl and she shrieked, and the dancing turned to running and chasing.
I heard a whistling and a low chorus to the song, and some of the women laughed as the men bundled up the road on the cart to load up the peat, responding to their song. Rob came to me and I stood, his body fitting against mine so easy, my shoulder tucked under his, his hip against the curve of my waist. I looked up at him, and he ducked his head to give me a soft, gentle, easy kiss.
It were a husband’s kiss, I rather thought. It weren’t the first kiss, a thing of hunger and new tastes. It weren’t all our sad kisses of leaving and coming back, full of desperation and scared. It were just a kiss. A kiss that felt like he’d done it before, a kiss that knew he could do it again.
Then again, it also sent lightning crackling down my back, and I remembered there were ways we weren’t husband and wife just yet. I felt a blush running up my face and he stroked my cheek, kissing me again.
“I don’t know, Sheriff,” Bess said. I broke away from Rob, surprised. She hadn’t been here a minute ago. She had the baby with her, and Much weren’t far off, but she had a wicked smile. “Keep kissing her like that and I think we’ll all have to go to your wedding fair soon,” she said.
