“What are you thinking?” Maddox asks, letting his stoic exterior slip. His head is cocked slightly, his brows furrowed and his lips pursing. He has no idea how attractive he is either, which just adds to his appeal.
“How better off they would have been if Coop had never found me.”
“Excuse me?” His tone is hard and unforgiving.
“Don’t make me repeat myself. I’m not fishing here, but repeating what I was thinking. Things would be so different if that day hadn’t happened.”
“Yeah, you’re damn fucking right it would be.”
“I don’t know why you’re getting so pissed, Mad. I thought it. I can’t exactly control my fleeting thoughts. I was the one he took that bullet for. Take me out of the equation and what do you get? You get Coop. THAT is what you get.”
He shakes his head and moves to pull me closer, but I step away from him. His nostrils flare and his jaw twitches, but he doesn’t say anything.
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
I nod my head and he drops his. I watch as he runs his hand over his scalp and clasps the back of his neck. I can hear him muttering to himself but can’t make out his words.
“Let me explain something to you. If you hadn’t have been there, there would have been a handful of different situations. One, he would have stepped in front of Dee. Two, he would have been late walking in and Dee would have been there alone. We could have had anyone sitting in your desk and it wouldn’t have mattered to Coop. He would have jumped in front of that gun regardless of who the intended target was. That’s just who he was, and I know deep fucking down you know I’m right. Stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and be thankful that you’re alive and knew him for the time you did.” His chest is heaving when he finishes, and before I can open my mouth, he just holds his hand up and walks around me…straight out the door.
I know he’s right. I’ve been using my anger with myself so I haven’t had to feel all of the pain I felt right after he died. The pain of losing someone so dear to me. There isn’t a fear I’ve known in my life like looking into the barrel of a gun-wielding maniac. I think a small part of myself will always feel somewhat responsible for his death because of the fact that he died saving me. Bottom line, Maddox is right. I should be focusing on the fact that I even knew him—regardless of how long that period was.
“Chin up, buttercup.” Oh, the irony.
With no idea where I am or what I’m supposed to do if he doesn’t come back, I settle into the bed and flip on the television. I focus on the program, something about grown woman acting like some hilarious rip-off of Toddlers and Tiaras. I watch but allow my mind to wander. I can’t believe that I’ve been gone for almost five weeks and I haven’t even thought about checking in. What kind of friend doesn’t even give a thought to those left behind?
Maybe Maddox is right. Maybe I should go back. But how do I do that when I’m not sure I can even let go of this guilt? I can’t go back until I know with no doubt that I’m fixed. It’s time to pick up the pieces of my life and stop living in the fear of the unknown.
**
Maddox comes back an hour later. His mood is much better and his arms are full of food. We sit in a somewhat comfortable silence while we eat. For him, that’s normal, but I’m still trying to figure out if I’m willing to go back—or if I should go back to Syn, where I’ve always felt like I would end up rotting away in my destined role of the princess.
“Are you done thinking all that bullshit?” he asks between mouthfuls of his burger.
“Depends on which bullshit you’re referring to.”
“Don’t play games, Em. Do you still think that we’re better off having never met you? That I’m better off?”
“I don’t know how to answer that, okay? I want to believe that I’m just speaking out of my ass, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m working on it, and honestly, Maddox, that’s the best I can give you right now.”
He drops his burger and nods his head. “I used to think the same thing. Had I done something—anything—different that my life would have taken a different path. I used to think that maybe there was one thing that could have stopped the snowball from going out of control.”
“And what changed?”
“You did.” He drops my eyes and starts to clean his mess up. “Are you done?” He doesn’t wait for me to actually respond but continues to clean up around me.
“How the hell did I change your way of thinking?”
“No matter what I did to make you hate me, you still came back for more. You were unbiased with your feelings towards anything I threw at you.”
“You’re making no sense, Maddox.” My mind is swirling with everything he’s saying. I just have no idea what to make of it all.
“Nothing, Em. Just forget I said anything.”
“I can’t just forget that! You don’t sit here and say all of that to me and just say, ‘Oops, just kidding! Forget I finally opened my mouth!’” I stand back from my seat at the desk and march into his space, taking the trash and throwing it on the floor. “What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?”
“What does it matter? I used to think that I could have changed my future. I used to think that I could manipulate those around me into not caring so that, in return, I didn’t harm them. And then you came into my life and there was no changing you. So, yeah, Emmy… I used to think that I could have changed my path in life, but now, I know that I’ve just been playing the game of fate and there isn’t shit I can do to make it any better. I am what I am, and all that is me will do nothing but pull you under a riptide you’ll never survive.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“So don’t say anything,” he says with sadness.
“I wish you could see yourself how I see you. Or maybe if you would let me in, open up to me, I would understand a little better why you continue to break my heart. At this point, Mad, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put it back together again.”
“How better off they would have been if Coop had never found me.”
“Excuse me?” His tone is hard and unforgiving.
“Don’t make me repeat myself. I’m not fishing here, but repeating what I was thinking. Things would be so different if that day hadn’t happened.”
“Yeah, you’re damn fucking right it would be.”
“I don’t know why you’re getting so pissed, Mad. I thought it. I can’t exactly control my fleeting thoughts. I was the one he took that bullet for. Take me out of the equation and what do you get? You get Coop. THAT is what you get.”
He shakes his head and moves to pull me closer, but I step away from him. His nostrils flare and his jaw twitches, but he doesn’t say anything.
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
I nod my head and he drops his. I watch as he runs his hand over his scalp and clasps the back of his neck. I can hear him muttering to himself but can’t make out his words.
“Let me explain something to you. If you hadn’t have been there, there would have been a handful of different situations. One, he would have stepped in front of Dee. Two, he would have been late walking in and Dee would have been there alone. We could have had anyone sitting in your desk and it wouldn’t have mattered to Coop. He would have jumped in front of that gun regardless of who the intended target was. That’s just who he was, and I know deep fucking down you know I’m right. Stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and be thankful that you’re alive and knew him for the time you did.” His chest is heaving when he finishes, and before I can open my mouth, he just holds his hand up and walks around me…straight out the door.
I know he’s right. I’ve been using my anger with myself so I haven’t had to feel all of the pain I felt right after he died. The pain of losing someone so dear to me. There isn’t a fear I’ve known in my life like looking into the barrel of a gun-wielding maniac. I think a small part of myself will always feel somewhat responsible for his death because of the fact that he died saving me. Bottom line, Maddox is right. I should be focusing on the fact that I even knew him—regardless of how long that period was.
“Chin up, buttercup.” Oh, the irony.
With no idea where I am or what I’m supposed to do if he doesn’t come back, I settle into the bed and flip on the television. I focus on the program, something about grown woman acting like some hilarious rip-off of Toddlers and Tiaras. I watch but allow my mind to wander. I can’t believe that I’ve been gone for almost five weeks and I haven’t even thought about checking in. What kind of friend doesn’t even give a thought to those left behind?
Maybe Maddox is right. Maybe I should go back. But how do I do that when I’m not sure I can even let go of this guilt? I can’t go back until I know with no doubt that I’m fixed. It’s time to pick up the pieces of my life and stop living in the fear of the unknown.
**
Maddox comes back an hour later. His mood is much better and his arms are full of food. We sit in a somewhat comfortable silence while we eat. For him, that’s normal, but I’m still trying to figure out if I’m willing to go back—or if I should go back to Syn, where I’ve always felt like I would end up rotting away in my destined role of the princess.
“Are you done thinking all that bullshit?” he asks between mouthfuls of his burger.
“Depends on which bullshit you’re referring to.”
“Don’t play games, Em. Do you still think that we’re better off having never met you? That I’m better off?”
“I don’t know how to answer that, okay? I want to believe that I’m just speaking out of my ass, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m working on it, and honestly, Maddox, that’s the best I can give you right now.”
He drops his burger and nods his head. “I used to think the same thing. Had I done something—anything—different that my life would have taken a different path. I used to think that maybe there was one thing that could have stopped the snowball from going out of control.”
“And what changed?”
“You did.” He drops my eyes and starts to clean his mess up. “Are you done?” He doesn’t wait for me to actually respond but continues to clean up around me.
“How the hell did I change your way of thinking?”
“No matter what I did to make you hate me, you still came back for more. You were unbiased with your feelings towards anything I threw at you.”
“You’re making no sense, Maddox.” My mind is swirling with everything he’s saying. I just have no idea what to make of it all.
“Nothing, Em. Just forget I said anything.”
“I can’t just forget that! You don’t sit here and say all of that to me and just say, ‘Oops, just kidding! Forget I finally opened my mouth!’” I stand back from my seat at the desk and march into his space, taking the trash and throwing it on the floor. “What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?”
“What does it matter? I used to think that I could have changed my future. I used to think that I could manipulate those around me into not caring so that, in return, I didn’t harm them. And then you came into my life and there was no changing you. So, yeah, Emmy… I used to think that I could have changed my path in life, but now, I know that I’ve just been playing the game of fate and there isn’t shit I can do to make it any better. I am what I am, and all that is me will do nothing but pull you under a riptide you’ll never survive.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“So don’t say anything,” he says with sadness.
“I wish you could see yourself how I see you. Or maybe if you would let me in, open up to me, I would understand a little better why you continue to break my heart. At this point, Mad, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put it back together again.”
