Or worse…that she’ll take that love away and never give it back.
**
When we get to Devon’s cabin, I leave her to her exploring. She retreats to one of the back bedrooms and shuts the door softly behind her. I give her that play, knowing that she’s processing my words.
I make sure that everything is stocked and we’ll be set for the unforeseeable future. When that’s done, I’m left with nothing left to do. The television holds no appeal. I call and check in with Axel then settle on the couch. Knowing that I have some time alone, I take a second to rub the pained muscles in my thighs. I need to get my prosthetic off before I do more damage than necessary to my stump. It’s been a long few weeks and I’ve felt like this was coming for a while now. Usually when the skin gets too irritated for me to wear the prosthetic, I work from home, giving the skin the rest it needs and, sometimes, the sores time to heal. Keeping my weight off it for a while does the trick but never fixes the issue.
I’ve come to live with this part of my future. I hate every moment of it, but it’s my reality.
“What’s wrong with your leg?”
Her question startles me. I was so lost in my own head that I didn’t even hear her coming into the room.
I immediately pull my hand off my leg. “Nothing.”
“Is that how this is going to be now? Okay. Why don’t I tell you what I think is wrong with your leg? I think this might be a little more forthcoming than waiting for you to snap the hell out of it and admit that I’m standing right in front of you, wanting to help carry your fucking burdens.”
I narrow my eyes and do my best to tell her to shut the hell up without words. The feeling of helplessness, an emotion I haven’t felt in years, floods my system.
“Nothing to say, Maddox? Not that I should be surprised.”
“Emersyn, shut your mouth.”
“No!” she screams. “I will not shut my mouth! I’m sick of shutting my mouth. Guess what, big boy? This poor little naïve girl sees you. I see through the bullshit you put up as a shield. I see through the anger you push on others to keep them at arm’s length. I see past it all. The pain that is deep within you. The shame, fear, and helplessness. I see you!” She finishes, screaming her words at me with so much force that her skin is flushed and her breathing is accelerated. “I see you,” she whispers. “All of you.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I dismiss her wrath and try to ignore the shitstorm that’s coming, hoping she gives it up and goes back to the room.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. I know because my soul recognizes its mate. Its kindred spirit. We both have our pain, Maddox. We both have the shame of our past and the fear it holds on the future. The only difference is you let that pain and fear rule your heart. And the difference in me is that I am willing to risk it all day in and day out for just a second of your love.”
She’s right. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
“Tell me why you were massaging your leg, Maddox,” she implores.
I can tell by her tone that she knows. I have no idea how since I’ve been very careful over the years to keep my…disability…hidden from everyone but the guys.
“How do you know?” I sigh.
“Tell. Me. What is wrong, Maddox.” She lifts her arms and plants her hands on her hips. Her stance is screaming that she is unwilling to fold. She won’t give this up until she gets whatever she is after.
“Stop pressing this, Em!” I bellow, my voice loud enough to shake the windows in their frames.
“What is bothering your leg, Mad?!” she yells back, just as pissed with me as I am with her for not giving this up.
“Fuck!” I shout. I don’t take my eyes off hers as I jerk my jeans up, yank my stocking down, and remove my leg. I replace the shame I feel for having her see my crippled body with anger. With my prosthetic in my hand, I toss it in her direction and hold her eyes as it lands right next to her feet. “Is that what you wanted, Emersyn? You want to see just how broken I am? It isn’t enough to know that my fucking head is a mess. You want to see just how badly my body is ruined too?”
We hold each other’s glare—both unwilling to be the first one to break. The rage bubbling inside me is becoming too much to bear. With a roar, I lean forward and flip the coffee table over. The books, so perfectly placed on its surface, go flying, and right before the table crashes with a loud boom through the still cabin, I lose my balance. The force I used to push forward on the couch and the momentum of my rage sends me falling right behind it to the floor.
She doesn’t even flinch. Her stance doesn’t change and her ice-cold fury never leaves its hold on my eyes.
“Do you feel better now?” she grinds out. “Does it feel better to throw things and act like a child? Maybe while you’re down there, you can kick and scream and beg me for a toy before we leave the store next time? Hmm?”
“Shut up, Emersyn.” My weak voice lacks conviction as I let the humiliation and shame of her seeing me like this fall over me.
“I’m not going to shut up! How can you be so foolish? You want to know how long I’ve known you’re an amputee? Three years. For three years, I’ve known, and even through it all, I never let it change how I saw you. I never told anyone because that isn’t my place, but I’ll tell you this much, Maddox. Your pride is misplaced in this situation. I don’t look at you and see someone broken,” she says, echoing my earlier self-loathing like a smack in the face before delivering home her final blow. “I have admired you for everything you’ve overcome and continue to overcome. I see you as perfect, and in my eyes, this makes you honorable, brave, and heroic. It doesn’t lessen you as a person. It’s just another one of the things I’ve loved about you since the very beginning.”
She leaves me on the floor. My leg is still lying carelessly a few feet away, where I threw it in the middle of my tantrum.
The shock of her words hits my system and my breath stills in my throat. The power behind each word she just put out there smacks into my chest and shakes me to my very core.
**
When we get to Devon’s cabin, I leave her to her exploring. She retreats to one of the back bedrooms and shuts the door softly behind her. I give her that play, knowing that she’s processing my words.
I make sure that everything is stocked and we’ll be set for the unforeseeable future. When that’s done, I’m left with nothing left to do. The television holds no appeal. I call and check in with Axel then settle on the couch. Knowing that I have some time alone, I take a second to rub the pained muscles in my thighs. I need to get my prosthetic off before I do more damage than necessary to my stump. It’s been a long few weeks and I’ve felt like this was coming for a while now. Usually when the skin gets too irritated for me to wear the prosthetic, I work from home, giving the skin the rest it needs and, sometimes, the sores time to heal. Keeping my weight off it for a while does the trick but never fixes the issue.
I’ve come to live with this part of my future. I hate every moment of it, but it’s my reality.
“What’s wrong with your leg?”
Her question startles me. I was so lost in my own head that I didn’t even hear her coming into the room.
I immediately pull my hand off my leg. “Nothing.”
“Is that how this is going to be now? Okay. Why don’t I tell you what I think is wrong with your leg? I think this might be a little more forthcoming than waiting for you to snap the hell out of it and admit that I’m standing right in front of you, wanting to help carry your fucking burdens.”
I narrow my eyes and do my best to tell her to shut the hell up without words. The feeling of helplessness, an emotion I haven’t felt in years, floods my system.
“Nothing to say, Maddox? Not that I should be surprised.”
“Emersyn, shut your mouth.”
“No!” she screams. “I will not shut my mouth! I’m sick of shutting my mouth. Guess what, big boy? This poor little naïve girl sees you. I see through the bullshit you put up as a shield. I see through the anger you push on others to keep them at arm’s length. I see past it all. The pain that is deep within you. The shame, fear, and helplessness. I see you!” She finishes, screaming her words at me with so much force that her skin is flushed and her breathing is accelerated. “I see you,” she whispers. “All of you.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I dismiss her wrath and try to ignore the shitstorm that’s coming, hoping she gives it up and goes back to the room.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about. I know because my soul recognizes its mate. Its kindred spirit. We both have our pain, Maddox. We both have the shame of our past and the fear it holds on the future. The only difference is you let that pain and fear rule your heart. And the difference in me is that I am willing to risk it all day in and day out for just a second of your love.”
She’s right. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
“Tell me why you were massaging your leg, Maddox,” she implores.
I can tell by her tone that she knows. I have no idea how since I’ve been very careful over the years to keep my…disability…hidden from everyone but the guys.
“How do you know?” I sigh.
“Tell. Me. What is wrong, Maddox.” She lifts her arms and plants her hands on her hips. Her stance is screaming that she is unwilling to fold. She won’t give this up until she gets whatever she is after.
“Stop pressing this, Em!” I bellow, my voice loud enough to shake the windows in their frames.
“What is bothering your leg, Mad?!” she yells back, just as pissed with me as I am with her for not giving this up.
“Fuck!” I shout. I don’t take my eyes off hers as I jerk my jeans up, yank my stocking down, and remove my leg. I replace the shame I feel for having her see my crippled body with anger. With my prosthetic in my hand, I toss it in her direction and hold her eyes as it lands right next to her feet. “Is that what you wanted, Emersyn? You want to see just how broken I am? It isn’t enough to know that my fucking head is a mess. You want to see just how badly my body is ruined too?”
We hold each other’s glare—both unwilling to be the first one to break. The rage bubbling inside me is becoming too much to bear. With a roar, I lean forward and flip the coffee table over. The books, so perfectly placed on its surface, go flying, and right before the table crashes with a loud boom through the still cabin, I lose my balance. The force I used to push forward on the couch and the momentum of my rage sends me falling right behind it to the floor.
She doesn’t even flinch. Her stance doesn’t change and her ice-cold fury never leaves its hold on my eyes.
“Do you feel better now?” she grinds out. “Does it feel better to throw things and act like a child? Maybe while you’re down there, you can kick and scream and beg me for a toy before we leave the store next time? Hmm?”
“Shut up, Emersyn.” My weak voice lacks conviction as I let the humiliation and shame of her seeing me like this fall over me.
“I’m not going to shut up! How can you be so foolish? You want to know how long I’ve known you’re an amputee? Three years. For three years, I’ve known, and even through it all, I never let it change how I saw you. I never told anyone because that isn’t my place, but I’ll tell you this much, Maddox. Your pride is misplaced in this situation. I don’t look at you and see someone broken,” she says, echoing my earlier self-loathing like a smack in the face before delivering home her final blow. “I have admired you for everything you’ve overcome and continue to overcome. I see you as perfect, and in my eyes, this makes you honorable, brave, and heroic. It doesn’t lessen you as a person. It’s just another one of the things I’ve loved about you since the very beginning.”
She leaves me on the floor. My leg is still lying carelessly a few feet away, where I threw it in the middle of my tantrum.
The shock of her words hits my system and my breath stills in my throat. The power behind each word she just put out there smacks into my chest and shakes me to my very core.
