Love and Lists
Page 16

I shake my head back and forth in denial. “What? No. There’s no way he would just slip me Viagra and not tell me.”
Right? RIGHT?!
“Oh he totally did. But don’t worry, it’s not a problem until your erection lasts for more than eight hours I’ve heard,” Tyler says with another laugh.
“Okay, here’s the Pepto. This should help,” Charlotte says, coming back up to us and handing over the pink bottle while I scramble to hunch back over and dangle my arms in front of me.
“That’s probably not going to help. But I bet taking him around back for about thirty seconds would,” Tyler tells her.
“What?” Charlotte questions.
“Nothing. Just ignore him,” I tell her, taking the bottle of Pepto and swigging some of it for her before handing it back.
“Oooh, look. The photographer is ready to take your picture, Gavin. Make sure both your heads are smiling,” Tyler informs me before putting his arm around Charlotte’s waist and moving a few feet away.
Chris Minney walks back over and puts her arm around my shoulders. “This is so much fun. I’m so glad you were able to make it out tonight and do the cutting for us.”
The crowd gathers close as Chris turns us to face them and gives a little speech, thanking everyone for coming out to the grand opening.
As I move the scissors up to the red ribbon hanging in front of the walkway to the store, Chris pulls me closer and forces me to stand up straight. Right as I make the first cut and the flash of the photographer’s camera goes off, the snipped ribbon falls, draping perfectly on top of my hard-on.
The caption under the picture in the paper two days later reads:
“Employee of Seduction and Snacks was VERY Excited to Cut the Ribbon for Minney’s Adult Mart!”
Chapter 7 – Gag the Groin Ferret
“Hold his calls for the rest of the afternoon, Ava!”
I look up from my desk to see Uncle Drew barging through my office door with Aunt Jenny right behind him.
“I don’t answer his phone, Uncle Drew. Someone else does that,” Ava tells him from the doorway.
“Aren’t you his assistant?” Uncle Drew questions.
“Yeah, so?”
Uncle Drew rolls his eyes and ushers her out into the hallway before closing the door and locking it.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask as Uncle Drew walks up to my desk and perches on the edge of it while Aunt Jenny takes a seat in one of the extra chairs.
“Well, I was originally coming here to commend you on an awesome boner shot in the paper the other day, but we have more pressing concerns to deal with right now. Jenny, tell him what he’s won!”
Jenny looks at Drew in confusion. “Did he win something? I thought we were coming here to talk to him about sex?”
Oh my God.
“Gavin, I just found out from your mother that you’ve got a thing for Charlotte. What the f**k, dude? I can’t believe you didn’t come to me first. This cuts me deep, real deep, little man.”
I groan as I rest my elbows on top of my desk and put my head in my hands. It was bad enough that number five on my list actually happened by accident the other day and that I had to jerk off six times in one night before my f**king hard-on would go away. Now I have to deal with this. Aunt Jenny and Uncle Drew consider themselves sex experts ever since they started giving “Spicing Up Your Sex Life” classes at the local community college. They’ve even been approached by a publisher to write a “How To” book, and all of this has gone to their heads. Their sex life is unconventional to say the least. It usually involves props that defy nature and almost always ends in someone going to the emergency room. Why anyone would want to take advice from them is beyond me. There was an incident when I was younger that involved Skittles. I don’t know much about it, but I know that whenever my mom sees a bag of Skittles at the store, she dry heaves a little.
“I hear there’s a list. Why haven’t I seen this list? I should have had major input for this thing,” Uncle Drew complains.
“Should I bring out the condoms and the banana now or do you want to do that later?” Aunt Jenny asks him.
“Let’s hold off on that, babe. First, I want to make sure this list he’s using is in tip-top shape. Do you have ‘tell her she has moist folds’ on the list? That should definitely be on the list.”
Drew reaches into the bag he brought with him and begins pulling out various items: a blender, a wheel of Vermont Cheddar cheese, and a jock strap are the first to land on my desk.
“Eeeew, that’s … no. No that is not on the list, nor will it ever be,” I reply with a shudder.
“It should really be on the list Gavin,” Aunt Jenny tells me seriously.
“What the hell does a blender and cheese have to do with my sex life?” I ask, picking up the wheel of cheese from my desk and turning it over in my hands.
Uncle Drew quickly grabs it from me and sets it back down. “All in good time, little ass**le. Leave the cheese alone. It needs to stay at room temperature.”
He continues pulling other items out of the bag that I really don’t even want to know what they’re going to be used for. Seriously? A small United States flag on a stick and a potted fern?
“Tell me you at least have something with role-playing on there?” Uncle Drew puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t think that needs to be on the list. The last time we played with rolls you got a yeast infection in your eye,” Aunt Jenny reminds him.