The fear and stress of the last two weeks finally made me crumble. The tears hit hard, falling heatedly down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hand, not wanting him to see. I was so angry at him, but I knew he was demanding answers from a good place. But, god, I just wanted this to go away. I wanted to put it behind me quickly. I didn’t want to stay up another damn night thinking about how I was going to fix this.
“Allie,” he then said in a gentler tone, “this is huge.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
A warm hand touched mine. He gripped it gently and drew it away from my face. I blinked hard and stared at him. He turned his body around to face me. Having long adjusted to the darkness, I saw the concerned look on his face.
“Abortion is a huge step,” he said solemnly. “That’s not something to take lightly. That can scar you emotionally, Allie. It might solve a problem now but it might create an even bigger one later. You gotta be sure that this is what you want.”
Speedily, I said, “It is, Heath. It is. I’m sure of it.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Are you really sure though? I think you’re just scared right now and reacting impulsively.”
“I said I’m sure.” Why did he have to keep dragging this out? I was having a hard time as it was convincing myself this was right, I didn’t need him digging around until I was showing that hesitation.
“What if I talked to Ryker? He might see things in a different light –”
“Heath,” I cut in, gripping his hand back tightly, “you know Ryker. You know this is what he’ll want too. He said so himself on many occasions.”
He cursed under his breath and looked away. He knew I was right. There was no way in a hundred years Ryker would tell me to keep this baby. He never wanted to be a father. He had some sort of personal issue about it that I could never get to the bottom of.
“What kind of life would the child have anyway?” I said, more to myself than him. “Growing up without a father figure for five years, and then learning about where he was and why he was in there. That kind of thing could mess a kid up.”
Not to mention I would have to drop out of school and struggle to support a kid that didn’t deserve to grow up in abject poverty in a place like Hedley. Believe me, I was one of those kids, and it sucked.
God dammit it all to hell. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
“Allie,” he suddenly whispered to me, drawing me out of my clusterfuck of thoughts, “if you had nothing to be scared of, would you still abort?”
His question threw me off. My mind went mute, but my body spoke otherwise. I put a hand to my stomach without thought and dropped my head. I stared into my lap, unwilling to admit the truth to that question.
“I can’t,” I told him on a sob. My being shook with defeat. “I’ve got no way to do this, Heath. I’m so alone right now. I can’t do it. I can’t. I’ve only just turned eighteen. I don’t even have a job, and I’ve looked and looked and…”
An arm went around me, and it was so unexpected that I jumped. He’d never been this close to me, and now abruptly his warmth was all over me. He pulled me to him, my forehead hitting his chest as I cried hard against his thin shirt. The smell of sweat and mild cologne cloaked me, reminding me of the safety I used to feel in Ryker’s arms when he held me this near.
“If money wasn’t a problem, if you didn’t care about what Ryker wanted, if you weren’t alone, and if… you had someone to help you, Allie, would you still abort?”
Impossible, I wanted to say. Because he didn’t seem to understand that even if I kept the baby, I’d have a multitude of problems.
But my mouth opened anyway and said what was in my heart. “No, I wouldn’t.” Because what woman would ever want to do it? It was easy to say that you wouldn’t. That it was morally wrong. But when you were faced with the hardship of not being able to care for something that was given to you without planning, reality turned into a broken, unforeseen road. One where the choices you thought you would make became ones you couldn’t.
I felt his hot breath in my ear. The scent of him was as comforting as his closeness. His grip around me tightened when he whispered the five words that would forever change our lives.
“Then let me help you.”
Four
Heath
I walked into the apartment with a bag of fast food I picked up on our way back. I always ate after a good fight, and the second Allie smelled the food in the air at the drive thru, I could tell she was starving too, so I ordered for both of us. She followed closely behind me, eyes red and raw from all the tears spent on our drive here. I went to the kitchen as she stiffly took a seat on the couch.
The apartment was small with the kitchen facing the tiny living room, but Ryker and I never cared about the size. Rent was affordable, we’d each had our own rooms and that was all that really mattered, especially if it meant having privacy with our women. I liked living simply, and since he got locked away, the clutter had stopped piling up. As a result, the place was always neat and tidy.
I filled the plates up with our burgers and fries, all the while I idly watched her wiping away the waterfall of tears. Her body was tense and unmoving. Probably still absorbing the change in her decision. I went to her and handed her a plate. Then I walked to the balcony door and stared out into the dark sky, barely touching my food. I should have been eating, but my mind was too distracted.
I was all kinds of fucked up. My brain felt like a box of scattered puzzle pieces. One minute I was congratulating myself for talking her out of the abortion, and the next I was wondering what kind of help I could possibly offer her. I didn’t know a damn thing about pregnancy or babies. Hell, I was hardly making it by now on my wage as a low level mechanic at a small car shop.
I pissed away my school years by taking nothing seriously. Didn’t help my dyslexia made learning double what it took an average kid. I was paying for it now, but I never could have foreseen this.
I turned my head to look at her. My lips curved up at the sight of her stuffing the food down her throat like she’d been hungry for days. And just that thought alone wiped that smile off my face.
Pregnant. She was hungry because she had a living thing growing inside of her.
Fuck, the girl was tiny. It was next to impossible imagining her with a giant, round belly. She was so young, but you couldn’t really see it in those fierce blue eyes. She’d always been ahead of her years. She’d lived through a life of chaos: a father that inexplicably took his life away, a religious mother that had given her a hard time, and Ryker’s sentencing after the stupid ass got busted for selling a shitload of crack in an alleyway not too far from here.
And now this.
Fuck.
Immediately I sensed I was entering a territory that was out of my depth, and I suddenly wished Ryker hadn’t gone to prison, hadn’t left me alone to pick up the broken pieces in his girlfriend’s life. This was their problem, not mine!
The selfish thoughts ran rampant through me, seeking ways to jump ship from this mess and continue living my bland life. But then her eyes met mine, and the desperation in her face stopped them cold in their tracks, reminding me of my promise to Ryker and the certainty I felt behind my words when I said I’d look out for her.
In some fucked up way this was my fault. I didn’t even know the details and I was already blaming myself. I should have kept a careful eye on Ryker and Allie. I should have made sure Ryker knew what he was doing having sex with a girl two years younger than him and what it might mean for her if he wasn’t careful every damn time. I should have told him the consequences and just how far it could push away someone as pure and good as Allie, because you knew from a mile away she was special. Instead, I got caught up in my own bullshit, my own sob story, and my own struggles.
I failed them.
No. I failed her.
Had I been a better brother I’d have made Ryker into a responsible, good man. Not one that randomly decided he wanted to commit crime to live the better life while deceiving us with lies that he wasn’t. To be fair, he hadn’t always been like that. Ryker had been on the straight and narrow before he got involved in the wrong crowd some years ago, dragging Allie with him through the mud. Why she stuck around him for so long, I couldn’t understand. Sticking out like a sore thumb, she had never integrated within his crowd. Even now she looked nothing like the girls in Hedley. She was always in loose clothes, walking the streets during the day with giant headphones on, her heavy backpack sagging to her bum, and a baseball cap on. It was like she yearned to be invisible to everyone but Ryker.
But I saw her.
I’d always seen Allie Wallace, the quiet little soul that sat in the far back of every social situation, clutching her textbooks to her chest, or staring starry-eyed at my little brother. And Ryker was equally as smitten. They seemed to complement each other well, always disappearing into their own little zone when they were around each other. I often envied their closeness, wondering how it felt to be so compatible with another person.
Still. The dickhead pissed it all away. Threw his beautifully odd girlfriend out the window along with his freedom. He knew the fucking risks. He knew the town was getting hot with tension at the level of crime that’d risen the last year with the hard-core gangs taking over the streets. He knew and chose to continue hanging with the wrong people and selling drugs to boot, and as much as I hated to say it, he deserved to be rotting in jail. He needed it, and maybe he’d get out and straighten himself up once and for all.
“I’m going to pay Ryker a visit soon,” I said, breaking the silence.
Her eyes widened. “You’re going to tell him?”
“He deserves to know, Allie. Right?”
She thought about it for a second, and then she nodded miserably. “I know, but he’s not going to accept my decision.”
“That’s why I’m going to see him. I’m sure I can talk sense into him. You’re more than welcome to come along.” I didn’t know if she’d visited him yet. Since he got locked away a month ago after he’d pled guilty, I hadn’t crossed paths with Allie.
“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m still angry at him after everything. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
She looked down at her plate, pushing aside her fries with one. I sensed that anger, and I was very curious about what was going on between them.
“You still with him?” I found myself asking.
She still wouldn’t look up at me, but her cheeks reddened. “I was angry at him after he got arrested. We had a fight and I… broke up with him.”
“For real kind of broken up? Or did you just do that out of anger?”
She squirmed. “I don’t know.”
“Does he know that?”
“He said to wait for him.”
“He must be out of his mind expecting you to wait around for five years.”
“He said if he’s on good behaviour, he might be out much sooner than that. He promised me he’d turn his life around.”
“And you believe him?”
“With his track record for lying, you think I’m stupid enough to believe him? Even after everything, he refuses to admit he was selling. So of course I don’t believe him, but sometimes prison changes people, so I have to think positively.”
I watched her carefully, trying to grasp her emotions for him after everything. “Still,” I muttered. “That’s a long ass wait, Al, change or no change.”
She cringed at the name I called her, and she didn’t yet know I did it because of the reaction she gave me every time.
“You might move on by then,” I added.
“To be honest, I don’t care if I do,” she replied.
“No?”
“Relationships are hard work. The thought of starting over again from scratch with someone else tires me out. I need to focus on this,” she pointed to her belly, “and my school work. Not some guy in prison who hurt me. Not trying to sound harsh, but Ryker messed up things in a way that can’t be fixed with an apology.”
I nodded. Smart girl. Well, not the getting pregnant part, but everything else. I respected her opinion, was quite impressed she wasn’t like those girls defending their guys when they absolutely fucked up.
“You had a good fight, by the way,” she then said, finally looking up at me. Her blue eyes brightened a bit and she smiled. “I didn’t think you’d win it.”
I smirked. “You and everyone else.”
“Big cut?”
Remembering the wad of cash in my pocket, I nodded heartily. “Oh, yeah.”
My income had me barely making it by, but with a fight here and there, the injection of cash was welcome and always brought my debts back down to zero. I’d never lost a fight, and people had no right to have a negative opinion of me the way they did tonight, but then again they’d never seen me up against a guy double my size.
And I was already a big guy. So that said something.
She took the plate into the kitchen and rinsed it in the sink. Then she came back and grabbed her backpack. “Where do you want me to crash?”
I resisted rolling my eyes. “Ryker’s room is still there and ready, Al.”
Another cringe. I resisted chuckling.
“Okay, well, I appreciate this very much, Heath. I’ll um… try and be out of your way. I don’t want to be a stress to you –”
“You’re not going to be a stress,” I interrupted solemnly. “We’re going to get through this. We’ll figure it out, alright?”
“Allie,” he then said in a gentler tone, “this is huge.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
A warm hand touched mine. He gripped it gently and drew it away from my face. I blinked hard and stared at him. He turned his body around to face me. Having long adjusted to the darkness, I saw the concerned look on his face.
“Abortion is a huge step,” he said solemnly. “That’s not something to take lightly. That can scar you emotionally, Allie. It might solve a problem now but it might create an even bigger one later. You gotta be sure that this is what you want.”
Speedily, I said, “It is, Heath. It is. I’m sure of it.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Are you really sure though? I think you’re just scared right now and reacting impulsively.”
“I said I’m sure.” Why did he have to keep dragging this out? I was having a hard time as it was convincing myself this was right, I didn’t need him digging around until I was showing that hesitation.
“What if I talked to Ryker? He might see things in a different light –”
“Heath,” I cut in, gripping his hand back tightly, “you know Ryker. You know this is what he’ll want too. He said so himself on many occasions.”
He cursed under his breath and looked away. He knew I was right. There was no way in a hundred years Ryker would tell me to keep this baby. He never wanted to be a father. He had some sort of personal issue about it that I could never get to the bottom of.
“What kind of life would the child have anyway?” I said, more to myself than him. “Growing up without a father figure for five years, and then learning about where he was and why he was in there. That kind of thing could mess a kid up.”
Not to mention I would have to drop out of school and struggle to support a kid that didn’t deserve to grow up in abject poverty in a place like Hedley. Believe me, I was one of those kids, and it sucked.
God dammit it all to hell. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
“Allie,” he suddenly whispered to me, drawing me out of my clusterfuck of thoughts, “if you had nothing to be scared of, would you still abort?”
His question threw me off. My mind went mute, but my body spoke otherwise. I put a hand to my stomach without thought and dropped my head. I stared into my lap, unwilling to admit the truth to that question.
“I can’t,” I told him on a sob. My being shook with defeat. “I’ve got no way to do this, Heath. I’m so alone right now. I can’t do it. I can’t. I’ve only just turned eighteen. I don’t even have a job, and I’ve looked and looked and…”
An arm went around me, and it was so unexpected that I jumped. He’d never been this close to me, and now abruptly his warmth was all over me. He pulled me to him, my forehead hitting his chest as I cried hard against his thin shirt. The smell of sweat and mild cologne cloaked me, reminding me of the safety I used to feel in Ryker’s arms when he held me this near.
“If money wasn’t a problem, if you didn’t care about what Ryker wanted, if you weren’t alone, and if… you had someone to help you, Allie, would you still abort?”
Impossible, I wanted to say. Because he didn’t seem to understand that even if I kept the baby, I’d have a multitude of problems.
But my mouth opened anyway and said what was in my heart. “No, I wouldn’t.” Because what woman would ever want to do it? It was easy to say that you wouldn’t. That it was morally wrong. But when you were faced with the hardship of not being able to care for something that was given to you without planning, reality turned into a broken, unforeseen road. One where the choices you thought you would make became ones you couldn’t.
I felt his hot breath in my ear. The scent of him was as comforting as his closeness. His grip around me tightened when he whispered the five words that would forever change our lives.
“Then let me help you.”
Four
Heath
I walked into the apartment with a bag of fast food I picked up on our way back. I always ate after a good fight, and the second Allie smelled the food in the air at the drive thru, I could tell she was starving too, so I ordered for both of us. She followed closely behind me, eyes red and raw from all the tears spent on our drive here. I went to the kitchen as she stiffly took a seat on the couch.
The apartment was small with the kitchen facing the tiny living room, but Ryker and I never cared about the size. Rent was affordable, we’d each had our own rooms and that was all that really mattered, especially if it meant having privacy with our women. I liked living simply, and since he got locked away, the clutter had stopped piling up. As a result, the place was always neat and tidy.
I filled the plates up with our burgers and fries, all the while I idly watched her wiping away the waterfall of tears. Her body was tense and unmoving. Probably still absorbing the change in her decision. I went to her and handed her a plate. Then I walked to the balcony door and stared out into the dark sky, barely touching my food. I should have been eating, but my mind was too distracted.
I was all kinds of fucked up. My brain felt like a box of scattered puzzle pieces. One minute I was congratulating myself for talking her out of the abortion, and the next I was wondering what kind of help I could possibly offer her. I didn’t know a damn thing about pregnancy or babies. Hell, I was hardly making it by now on my wage as a low level mechanic at a small car shop.
I pissed away my school years by taking nothing seriously. Didn’t help my dyslexia made learning double what it took an average kid. I was paying for it now, but I never could have foreseen this.
I turned my head to look at her. My lips curved up at the sight of her stuffing the food down her throat like she’d been hungry for days. And just that thought alone wiped that smile off my face.
Pregnant. She was hungry because she had a living thing growing inside of her.
Fuck, the girl was tiny. It was next to impossible imagining her with a giant, round belly. She was so young, but you couldn’t really see it in those fierce blue eyes. She’d always been ahead of her years. She’d lived through a life of chaos: a father that inexplicably took his life away, a religious mother that had given her a hard time, and Ryker’s sentencing after the stupid ass got busted for selling a shitload of crack in an alleyway not too far from here.
And now this.
Fuck.
Immediately I sensed I was entering a territory that was out of my depth, and I suddenly wished Ryker hadn’t gone to prison, hadn’t left me alone to pick up the broken pieces in his girlfriend’s life. This was their problem, not mine!
The selfish thoughts ran rampant through me, seeking ways to jump ship from this mess and continue living my bland life. But then her eyes met mine, and the desperation in her face stopped them cold in their tracks, reminding me of my promise to Ryker and the certainty I felt behind my words when I said I’d look out for her.
In some fucked up way this was my fault. I didn’t even know the details and I was already blaming myself. I should have kept a careful eye on Ryker and Allie. I should have made sure Ryker knew what he was doing having sex with a girl two years younger than him and what it might mean for her if he wasn’t careful every damn time. I should have told him the consequences and just how far it could push away someone as pure and good as Allie, because you knew from a mile away she was special. Instead, I got caught up in my own bullshit, my own sob story, and my own struggles.
I failed them.
No. I failed her.
Had I been a better brother I’d have made Ryker into a responsible, good man. Not one that randomly decided he wanted to commit crime to live the better life while deceiving us with lies that he wasn’t. To be fair, he hadn’t always been like that. Ryker had been on the straight and narrow before he got involved in the wrong crowd some years ago, dragging Allie with him through the mud. Why she stuck around him for so long, I couldn’t understand. Sticking out like a sore thumb, she had never integrated within his crowd. Even now she looked nothing like the girls in Hedley. She was always in loose clothes, walking the streets during the day with giant headphones on, her heavy backpack sagging to her bum, and a baseball cap on. It was like she yearned to be invisible to everyone but Ryker.
But I saw her.
I’d always seen Allie Wallace, the quiet little soul that sat in the far back of every social situation, clutching her textbooks to her chest, or staring starry-eyed at my little brother. And Ryker was equally as smitten. They seemed to complement each other well, always disappearing into their own little zone when they were around each other. I often envied their closeness, wondering how it felt to be so compatible with another person.
Still. The dickhead pissed it all away. Threw his beautifully odd girlfriend out the window along with his freedom. He knew the fucking risks. He knew the town was getting hot with tension at the level of crime that’d risen the last year with the hard-core gangs taking over the streets. He knew and chose to continue hanging with the wrong people and selling drugs to boot, and as much as I hated to say it, he deserved to be rotting in jail. He needed it, and maybe he’d get out and straighten himself up once and for all.
“I’m going to pay Ryker a visit soon,” I said, breaking the silence.
Her eyes widened. “You’re going to tell him?”
“He deserves to know, Allie. Right?”
She thought about it for a second, and then she nodded miserably. “I know, but he’s not going to accept my decision.”
“That’s why I’m going to see him. I’m sure I can talk sense into him. You’re more than welcome to come along.” I didn’t know if she’d visited him yet. Since he got locked away a month ago after he’d pled guilty, I hadn’t crossed paths with Allie.
“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m still angry at him after everything. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
She looked down at her plate, pushing aside her fries with one. I sensed that anger, and I was very curious about what was going on between them.
“You still with him?” I found myself asking.
She still wouldn’t look up at me, but her cheeks reddened. “I was angry at him after he got arrested. We had a fight and I… broke up with him.”
“For real kind of broken up? Or did you just do that out of anger?”
She squirmed. “I don’t know.”
“Does he know that?”
“He said to wait for him.”
“He must be out of his mind expecting you to wait around for five years.”
“He said if he’s on good behaviour, he might be out much sooner than that. He promised me he’d turn his life around.”
“And you believe him?”
“With his track record for lying, you think I’m stupid enough to believe him? Even after everything, he refuses to admit he was selling. So of course I don’t believe him, but sometimes prison changes people, so I have to think positively.”
I watched her carefully, trying to grasp her emotions for him after everything. “Still,” I muttered. “That’s a long ass wait, Al, change or no change.”
She cringed at the name I called her, and she didn’t yet know I did it because of the reaction she gave me every time.
“You might move on by then,” I added.
“To be honest, I don’t care if I do,” she replied.
“No?”
“Relationships are hard work. The thought of starting over again from scratch with someone else tires me out. I need to focus on this,” she pointed to her belly, “and my school work. Not some guy in prison who hurt me. Not trying to sound harsh, but Ryker messed up things in a way that can’t be fixed with an apology.”
I nodded. Smart girl. Well, not the getting pregnant part, but everything else. I respected her opinion, was quite impressed she wasn’t like those girls defending their guys when they absolutely fucked up.
“You had a good fight, by the way,” she then said, finally looking up at me. Her blue eyes brightened a bit and she smiled. “I didn’t think you’d win it.”
I smirked. “You and everyone else.”
“Big cut?”
Remembering the wad of cash in my pocket, I nodded heartily. “Oh, yeah.”
My income had me barely making it by, but with a fight here and there, the injection of cash was welcome and always brought my debts back down to zero. I’d never lost a fight, and people had no right to have a negative opinion of me the way they did tonight, but then again they’d never seen me up against a guy double my size.
And I was already a big guy. So that said something.
She took the plate into the kitchen and rinsed it in the sink. Then she came back and grabbed her backpack. “Where do you want me to crash?”
I resisted rolling my eyes. “Ryker’s room is still there and ready, Al.”
Another cringe. I resisted chuckling.
“Okay, well, I appreciate this very much, Heath. I’ll um… try and be out of your way. I don’t want to be a stress to you –”
“You’re not going to be a stress,” I interrupted solemnly. “We’re going to get through this. We’ll figure it out, alright?”
